When Not Enough Is Too Much
The baby had been up and down all night and then got up for good way too early, and after a small infinity of minutes of tandem fuss-ignoring, Simon finally broke and whisked him away to the kitchen. When Wombat got up uncharacteristically early a few minutes later, Simon took him too and then shut the door to our bedroom so I could sleep for another thirty minutes in relative peace, minus some suspicious clanking of pots and pans.
When I got up I saw he had made pancakes and sausages for everyone. On a Thursday. A school day.
I should have been grateful.
I should have been grateful PERIOD, not grateful AND. But I was grateful AND annoyed AND frustrated AND feeling guilty for not being simply grateful PERIOD. But help is in the eye of the beholder, I guess, and doing me a favor does not look like making a mess of the kitchen, making Wombat late for school (he wasn’t even dressed!), making the baby’s nap happen in the car instead of at home where I could get some work done, and making me guiltily eat pancakes when I’m on a diet and it’s well-established that one of the greatest joys in my life is a bowl of cereal.
Of course I did appreciate that I got some extra sleep and that I got to see Simon in the morning because he didn’t leave to work out at 5:45 as usual, and that’s what I should have said: “Thank you for letting me sleep, and it’s nice to see you!” Instead I said all that other stuff.
When I saw the pancakes, I knew I’d have to eat one whether I wanted to or not (and I didn’t), and so I did, and all was well, and then I had to open my big sticky mouth and say, “You have to clean up the kitchen before you go.” I could tell immediately those were the wrong words at the wrong time in the wrong context.
“It’s never enough, is it?” he snapped, more defeated than angry. “I got the kids up and out of the bedroom so you could sleep, I made breakfast, and it’s still not enough.” He does so much, you guys. So much.
The problem, I told him, was that it’s too much. Helping would be getting the kids dressed and ready to go. Helping would be taking the older one to preschool. Helping would be letting me just have my five-minute bowl of cereal, the one I start looking forward to the night before. Helping would be getting us all to status quo, not throwing that out the window in the name of “something special.” I’m one of those impossible people who likes to schedule my “something special”s. I just want a bowl of cereal.
The thing is, we fall so below taking care of just the basics every day that I often have trouble reconciling these little extras. I feel like we should save elaborate breakfasts for when the house is sparkling clean. We should go to the park after all the yard work is done. But of course the house is never going to be sparkling clean and the plants outside just keep growing and growing. If I were in charge, we’d never have pancake feasts and never know the static buzz of the playground spiral slide. I need to shut up so we can seize the day and make special moments out of ordinary ones at every opportunity. He’s the one who’s right here.
I’ve been trying to think how to write about this without hurting Simon’s feelings or coming off like a bitch, but…I did hurt his feelings and I probably did come off like a bitch. I just…the way my brain likes everything Just So, it can be really hard for people to do nice things for me. I don’t want house guests washing my dishes or cooking me dinner. I get heart-poundingly annoyed when Simon folds the laundry wrong; I would honestly rather do it all myself. And ever the pragmatist, I feel like I have to say something in these instances so the misguided niceness isn’t perpetuated. If I say nothing, I’m leaving the door open for more Thursday pancakes. If I say “Thank you,” I’m encouraging them. Even my best compromise doesn’t work very well: I should just say “Thank you PERIOD,” but I always say “Thank you BUT.”
It might be time to organize Operation BUT OUT.
Give me some help here, Internets. Is there a way to say “Please don’t make Thursday pancakes/wash the dishes/fold the laundry” without sounding like an ungrateful wretch? Do I just need to suck it up and breathe through my annoyance when the other person’s intentions are good? I’m trying really hard to see the benefit of letting people do me favors that are not actually favors, but I still think I should be able to say “Thanks but no thanks,” since if they really want to help, they should appreciate knowing what help looks like to me rather than what it looks like to them, right? Especially if it means less work for them! Or is this comparable to someone giving me a gift I really don’t want? Is the correct response only and always “Thank you PERIOD”?
I’m open to being wrong here. Let me have it.
I think, as usual when I’m hearing stories about your household, that you’re both right. Don’t ask me how you both always manage that. You’re clearly just very clever and attractive people.
I think that he can have good intentions and you can have reasonable requests at the same time. I’m not really answering your question directly because I don’t feel like there IS a right or wrong answer, but it seems to me that one potential solution, if he wants to be of practical help to you and make sure you appreciate his admirable efforts, is for him to simply ask what you need first, should he find himself in the mood to make your life easier. This is terribly unromantic and dull and on the surface reduces him to some kind of automaton, but the surprising fact of my adult life is that the best relationship solutions are often terribly unromantic and dull, so what can you do. (Ask me about the sexy, sexy way that Andy and I handle our budget! So sexy!) The therapists were right, man: communication really is everything, even if more ambitiously whimsical people will complain that it takes all the fun out of things. (In my opinion, it doesn’t, but results may vary, I guess.)
As for that whimsy, I think scheduled whimsy can absolutely be a thing. The difference between me WANTING TO KILL YOU and me happily going along for the ride comes down to whether I had any idea that any whimsy would be underfoot. I don’t need details, but I do need a heads-up that my schedule isn’t going to be open, or you better believe I’ll be sulking and resentful that I don’t get to just enjoy my pajama pants and my book tonight, no matter what awesome thing you came up with.
I don’t think anyone can ask you to enjoy what you don’t enjoy. That’s just a recipe for relationship disaster. That said, Simon is such a great dad and I don’t think making changes to the system has to be this admission that he did something wrong. He did something awesome, even if it didn’t quite have the desired effect.
Without having read the other comments yet, I wanted to say that this is truly wonderful advice. And completely without judgment. People of the Internet, please do more of this.
I totally get where you’re coming from. As a fellow control freak and surprise-hater, I would much rather get to define exactly how someone can best be nice to me rather than be presented with the not-perfect fait accompli.
I suppose the thing is that once the accompli is fait (no, the fait is accompli), it’s too late to change it, so the best thing is to appreciate the good parts and thank the provider without criticism. Easier said than done and I’m not saying that’s what I’d actually manage to do.
And then, later on, some other time, you could say “It was lovely to sleep late and have breakfast made. You know what would be great some other morning you feel like being so nice?” and direct things a little.
But it sounds like Simon is the free spirit in your relationship, and I know he’s the ying to your yang. Directing things might ruin them. Maybe you just have to take what you get because that’s his style and you love him.
Oh, dear. I do this too, especially with a new baby around. I remember breaking down last spring on family vacation in our hotel room after a particularly hard night with Elm when Matt & my mom offered to take both kids down to the pool so I could take a morning nap. “I DON’T WANT TO TAKE A NAP!” I shouted unflatteringly and realizing it. “It feels like double punishment,” I explained. I don’t get to sleep at night AND then I have to miss out on them doing fun things during the day, too? It sounded like a nice thing for them to offer. They were, in fact, trying to BE nice. But it wasn’t HELPFUL. Kind and helpful are not the same thing. And so I think the reasonable way to address this with someone where it isn’t going to come up again is just to say Thank you if they’ve already done it or No Thank you if they’re offering and leave it at that. The reasonable way to address this with someone where it’s going to come up over and over again like you’re afraid of (husband, parents, etc.) is to explain that while you appreciate their kindness this particular act isn’t actually helpful to you. “Thank you for offering to make breakfast but it would really be more helpful if you would get Wombat dressed instead.” “Thanks for offering to keep the baby but it would really be more helpful if you would fold laundry instead.” Etc. It doesn’t make you a bitch to need what you need. Simon is a good husband and father and while making a special breakfast on a weekday is something that might make him happy and make good memories for your kids, it isn’t something he’s doing for YOU. And that’s ok.
I don’t have any advice for you as I am much the same way. My husband tried the help me fold laundry on Wednesday night after I had been in the hospital all weekend was undergoing (minor) surgery the next day and I told him no, I don’t like the way he folds (wads) our clothes.
I want to follow along with these comments to perhaps learn something myself. I was reading this whole post thinking… yeah, that. It’s never nice to repay a kindness with ungratefulness (and all the BUTs in the world) but it also isn’t great when that kindness isn’t helpful (as noted by another commenter) and does not give the receiver of said kindness what they really would see as helpful. But how do you navigate that minefield? No idea… an honest conversation at a completely separate time? Maybe so. Framing the “Thank you BUT…” with a validation of “I so appreciate that you do this and I get what you are trying to do but right now, it would also be helpful if you…”
I loved the “It’s too much” part, while potentially hurtful, it is true. Sometimes you just want a bowl of cereal.
I do that, and i have to remind myself that I want my boy to have fun memories with his messy dad, his annoying in-law grandparents who let him watch TV, my parents who give him candy, his aunts and uncles who forget bug spray…those memories are just as important as the ones i give him, and probably more precious since they haven’t been planned and orchestrated and perfected to death by me. And it’s kind of essential that I occasionally remember that special moments are when and where they want to be, not because I scheduled them at 3 o’clock this afternoon AFTER the floors are clean, the nutritious lunch is eaten, the dishes are washed, and my deadline is finished. So I’m afraid, I’m going to have to not necessarily side with Simon on that, because I did more than my fair share of “you’re doing it wrong and making more work for me” when my baby was small, but instead to tell you what I tell myself daily: Stick perfection in the glass case where it belongs and go get dirty and sticky and funny with your family…or some derivative thereof. Either sleep and be grateful, OR get up, pitch in on sticky pancake Thursday AND eat your bowl of cereal without the guilt. Because cereal is not only delicious, but it’s a dumb thing to feel guilty about.
You aren’t wrong IMO. There is a difference between doing something sweet and nice, and helping. Helping should actually be helpful to the person you are doing it for. A similar scenario sometimes happens in my house, and when it does I say thank you PERIOD because it is a nice thing. However, in order to circumvent it from happening, I just straight up tell my husband what would be helpful. In your case, I would have said, “Since you are up, would you mind getting the kids dressed?” Because I’m particular about how the clothes are folded, last night I handed the baby to my husband and asked him to do pajamas and a diaper change while I fold clothes. And we both often ask the other what we can do to help.
It’s really no different than the advice we always see about having specific tasks for visitors to do after you have a baby, He should ask and you should not e shy about telling him.
“should not BE shy…”
First, what kind of cereal do you eat??
Second, I too can see both sides and no sides. It sounds like you appreciate the balance of your personalities. If this is a once in a great while, then you’re all likely to remember it for a variety of reasons. If it’s a regular thing, then new plan!
Either way, you’re all doing to work of loving each other and living in the moment!
Heh. Ha. Ugh.
So. Maybe this will resonate with you or maybe not, but for me, I am such a freakin’ perfectionist that nothing I do for mySELF is ever good enough so then it follows that every one else is ultimately always wrong no matter what and should have known/said/did/BEEN different than they were/are. I’m highly critical of myself (and or think that my way is always the best way (exagerating only slightly to make the point) and so I’m highly critical of everyone else. Especially those close enough to me that I’m fairly certain won’t just up and leave if I’m extra or OVERLY extra rude/bitchy/critical.
Anyhow, this reminded me SO MUCH of my own mindset: “I feel like we should save elaborate breakfasts for when the house is sparkling clean. We should go to the park after all the yard work is done.” Like I have to earn or work for the lovely special things or that they must always be a reward.
I find it hard to accept myself just the way I am and so then I find it hard to (in practice) accept my spouse just the way he is, whenever and however he happens to be the way he is (which, in my opinion is super highly unfortunate at times, and super highly wonderful at other times.) And so he often ends up feeling as though nothing is ever enough and it’s always “oh thank you so much, BUT…” and then I proceed to ruin any sort of gratitude he may have felt from me.
Okay so anyhow. I could go on much longer. =) The point is, for me, I have found tremendous help for myself and figuring out how to deal with my procrastinating, perfectionistic pessimism (the three Ps, I like to call ‘em) in, believe it or not, that 12 step program Codependents Anonymous. It has probably been the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. It’s changing ME and I beginning to see myself a whole lot more graciously as well him/others. I’m (usually more) able to accept whatever he does or doesn’t do (or even what I do or don’t do!) and be at peace, most of the time. Serenity, as they say. =) The only person I can change is me, yada yada yada, and yes, supposing my husband never does change, when then will I do about it? What do I want?
And OMG have I ever been as specifically specific as I possibly specifically could about what IS wanted/appreciated/helpful to me and what is NOT… and you know what? HE KEPT ON (mostly) DOING STUFF HOW HE DOES STUFF! The NERVE! It’s almost as if I can’t control him! WT Effing F! =)
Ahem, so anyhow, there’s my two dollars worth of solicited advice. Take what’s useful and leave the rest or all of it. =)
I agree with one of the above, and would add that not only is kindness not necessarily helpful, but also not necessarily thoughtful. I find there has to be a line between how much you grin and bear it and when you should say something, even if it leads to hurt feelings because niceness can lead to hurt as well.
For example, a guy once got me piles of chocolate over a two-month span that would take me ages to eat … after both of us talked about actively trying to eat healthier. He was being nice, and I appreciated it, but I finally had to say something because his niceness was both making me feel bad (for not being simply appreciative) and making me feel aggravated for his disregard of our conversations and desires to be healthier.
When niceness makes other parts of life more difficult/stressful, it’s worth talking about it. If he rarely does something wacky, out of the blue, and kind, deal with it. If it’s a habit that continually pops up in different ways, have a talk about what each of you view as kind, and how each of you can show the other that kindness in a way where the recipient sees it as such. Otherwise, the “kind” acts aren’t so kind and are actually defeating the point. I think a lot of people struggle with that — we have a tendency to do what WE think is kind, and we don’t think about what the recipient would find kind/helpful.
I’m taking over your comments section. I live here now. Sorry.
This is the tricky thing for a perfectionist: When to grin and bear it, and when to not. My case has more practical consequences than yours, so I don’t mean to imply that what I’m talking about is directly related to your situation, but it’s a good example of when you should absolutely speak up instead of just accepting gifts graciously. My boyfriend and I had a budget. A lot of times, his “nice things” didn’t stick to the budget. Maybe they were kind, but they were not what I wanted or what we had talked about, and they certainly didn’t make me happy. I don’t want to be taken out to a surprise fancy dinner that costs the earth; I want a balanced budget. That makes me the happiest.
People think that perfectionists are these neurotic messes who are never going to be happy, but that’s really not true. I am QUITE happy when I’ve taken steps to make sure my life is not stressful. Chaos stresses me out, and a budget that’s running into the red definitely falls into the realm of chaos as far as I’m concerned.
Sometimes, “nice things” we do for others have more to do with what we wanted to experience, and who we want to be, than what we wanted our loved ones to experience, or who our loved ones want us to be. I’ve found that the Hollywood-esque gestures or “fun” ideas really aren’t as fun in my adult life, a lot of the time, as just having things organized and relatively stress-free, so I can relax and feel content in my peace of mind that my tasks are taken care of.
This means that people assume I’m so miserably frugal that I won’t take that big vacation when we can’t afford it. And oh, girlfriend, they are wrong. I sometimes blame the defensive “responsible, practical people are such a draaaag” culture for making me out to be the one who isn’t any fun. Vacations I can actually afford are plenty fun!
So, on one hand, yes, of course we could all stand to just breathe and get some perspective. On the other hand, perfectionists can be treated as people who aren’t going to be happy unless they learn to relax and go with the flow, which I don’t think is entirely fair. If it weren’t for my perfectionism, my household would be in serious financial danger, and I’m glad I didn’t just say “Thank you” with no BUT after it. It’s interesting to me that, in a lot of people’s eyes, when one of us wants a balanced budget and the other wants a surprise dinner, the one who wants the dinner is seen as the one with the ability to let himself be happy and enjoy life. Maybe that person just needs more stimulation and excitement than I do.
Anyway, all of this epic comment is just to say that I understand why sometimes it’s better to pick your battles and just say thank you, but I absolutely disagree with the notion that it’s the thought that counts, and thus any unfortunate outcome of that kind thought should be accepted without protest.
I personally would not want to be humored. If my “helping” is not really helping, I would want to know, even if it’s hurtful, because ultimately I do care about that person and do want to find a way to make that person’s life better. Who wants to spend ten years making someone their “favorite cookies” only to find out later that the recipient is allergic and was just being polite? That’s even more awkward.
I have the same problem in some ways. in that my husband is a do-er for-er, and sometimes not in a way that I would have, or would have asked for, or really needed, but it ways he thought about and put into action for reasons that were at the very least, certainly not malicious, and in most cases, with the very best of intentions.
In my experience, once the whatever has been done for you, it’s too late to say something. I mean, it’s not REALLY too late. You can ALWAYS say something. But it’s too late to say something without being a ruiner. Without ruining something nice. Or at least, something that was genuinely intended to be nice.
And you say you feel like you HAVE to say something so these things don’t keep happening in a way that doesn’t work for you, but it doesn’t have to be said right that SECOND. I have to try consciously, sometimes, to not ruin right THEN. To just… go with it. And then make it a communication issue later, not a fun-ruining issue. You know, “Hey, I appreciate the effort you made earlier, but blah blah whatever.” And, you know, even then, there’s butt hurt, because someone did something nice, but at least it’s not ruining the nice while it’s HAPPENING.
But overall, what it comes down to in the end, for us, at least, is that my husband shows his affection by DOING, a lot like some of the examples you listed, and surprises, and all of that, and whether or not that works for me, that’s HIM, and sometimes he undoes something I was in the middle of doing another way, or sometimes he makes more work for me, or any number of things, but I can’t just be all, “No, you can’t do this,” every single time. Because… I don’t know, sometimes you’ve just got to stuff in another pancake when you find yourself about to say something, you know?
I am exactly the same way, and I’m not proud of it, either. I’m just trying to be more aware of what I say and my actions…I was exhausted last week and on my way to bed when I remembered that the dishwasher needed to be unloaded…and if it wasn’t unloaded that night, I’d be rushing in the morning to unload it…but I just really wanted to go to bed, the Boy said he would unload it before he came to bed. He did. And I am still finding things in the wrong places, but I’m not going to say a thing, because it was a nice, unexpected thing for him to offer to do. Start with the little things, right?
I am guilty of his type of ungracious behavior toward my husband, too. When it comes to parenting our two children, he will often remind me “they’re not just your kids”. I think I have trouble accepting this sometimes.
This is so tricky. I can very much relate on many levels, but I wonder if maybe the “issue” is actually the fact that life with a baby and a preschooler is just hard. You are exhausted and therefore everything is HUGE and nothing is simple and AHHHHHHH.
I have told my husband several times in very specific terms what helps me. He doesn’t always get it right. In fact, mostly he messes everything up a little. (Case in point: bringing coffee to me on my morning to sleep in = great. Bringing coffee AND THE KIDS who cry and scream and want me = not so great.) But now that my baby is 16 months and my daughter is 3.5, things feel a little easier overall and it lets me roll with it overall.
So my advice (assvice): it’s probably okay to keep trying to be very clear and very specific in terms of what you need and it’s probably okay that Simon will kinda sorta do it but maybe not always. You are both just trying your best during this very challenging & exhausting time and you are both very different in terms of how you operate.
So really, my advice is: it gets a little easier! Hang in there
Two words for you: FEELINGS CLUB.
As someone who started her day with tears and then labeled herself “an actual menace,” I’m glad to see someone else has lots of feelings to share.
I have nothing wise to say beyond what all the other lovely wise people have said, but I do want to say, I love you both. And I know you love each other. I think as long as you are respectful and gentle with one another, you’ll come up with a compromise that works for you both.
You eat cereal when on a diet? I don’t get it.
I read your whole post and felt compelled to answer instead of going to bed to my two kids and nurse this cold. But I have not read the comments; may be I’ll sound repetitive? Or dull?
I would say always say “Thank You PERIOD”. I don’t think Simon’s intention was just to be nice, but also to be helpful. And to that I say “Thank You PERIOD”. Of course I am an intention-matters kind of girl: he wants you to feel good, and the appropriate response to that is gratitude. But I dare to say, intention is not the only thing that matters, so once you have offered your gratefulness, offer some guidance on the method, bring on the “BUT”. For example, you can grab a pancake, take a bite of it, and pass it on to him saying: “These are good. Too bad I can’t enjoy them because I am on a diet and I will have my cereal now” (I am assuming he makes good pancakes even though you may not feel like having them). You can find a time to talk to him about how when you need help, him taking care of the basics is the best help he can give. But later, may be over a glass of wine after the kids are in bed and you are both exhausted. Not right then and there. Sure it would be nice if he cleaned the kitchen, but may be you can live with a dirty kitchen for a day, or say to him as you pour milk on your cereal: “Dishes or getting Wombat ready? I’ll flip you for it”.
I am particularly interested in your “If I say nothing, I’m leaving the door open for more Thursday pancakes” bit. I have discovered in the past years that I tend to “mingle” things that are not necessary “mingling” on their own. Like when a problem arises, I get really tight and serious and say “we have to do something”. My husband tends to smile and be more relaxed, and forever this pissed me off, and it was because in my mind, if he was not getting really tight and serious, and expressing out loud the obvious, he didn’t care or he was not going to do something about it. I have realized, though, that the association was all in my mind, and that it is indeed possible that he is as concerned as I am, he just responds differently. You are doing this same “unnecessary mingling” between the saying nothing and the fear of leaving the door open for more Thursday pancakes. As I said above, you can say something later on a more relaxed way which will not undermine your gratefulness if you don’t have the fear of being to soft and the belief that immediacy is required.
By the way, I have been in both ends of this “it’s never enough” situations over and over, and I rarely take my own advice because I am being too speedy to see what I am doing. So although I recommend “Thank You PERIOD”, I wouldn’t say this is always the answer. Give yourself permission to be a bitch once in a while.
My husband and I have been perusing ‘The 5 Love Languages’ (google it), while not normally our thing, it has been immeasurably helpful to realise we have different ideas of how to express love. We realised, for example, that I really love and need Words of Affirmation which I give my husband, unfailingly pretty much everyday (when what he really wants is some physical connection). He appreciates Physical Touch (not as weird as it sounds) and, as a consequence, he is very physically affectionate with me, (when what I really want is some of those affirmative words). So, maybe Simon really appreciates and feels love from Acts of Service and so giving them to you is is way of saying I love you, but you’re needing something else. Anyway, has been vaguely insightful for us. Good luck.
First, good for you for being open to being wrong. I am not–ever–so I applaud your mindset.
Second, “Thank you,” end of discussion is what I go with. Mostly because my husband does not accept criticism well (neither do I, actually, which is something of a problem) and would be likely to be all, “FINE. I won’t do ANYTHING EVER AGAIN.”
To be fair, that’s usually my response to criticism too, and we probably both need to grow up a little. Simon might be more mature than we are, however. Only you know how to handle yourself and your parenting relationship. A sad but true aspect of this parenting gig: No one can tell you how to navigate it for yourself.
Though Lord knows, we do all like to give advice anyway.
I post this comment has someone who’s been there and done that, firstly.
BUT there seems to be a whole lot of “I understand” and “you should nicely redirect Simon.” We cannot change other people, we can only look at and adapt our own reactions to things. You can CHOOSE to get angry at him trying to do something nice (and really, why is it all about redirecting SIMON and what SIMON does when he feels like being nice and no one saying you need to redirect YOURSELF.) Why are you reacting the way that you are? In the grand scheme of things, does it really matter if Wombat winds up being late for preschool one time? (And would he really be *that late*?)
It’s true that I think this seems to be a female thing – we, as women, seem to get so caught up in running things that we miss the forest for the trees. If Simon says, “It’s never enough, is it” then a) he’s probably pretty hurt that he tried to do something nice for you and you blew it off and b) this is a common occurrence in which case, YES, leave the door open to more Thursday pancakes sometimes. Why must it always be the way you want things and not sometimes the way *he* wants them? I’m a helluva lot happier now that I stopped micro managing and being so concerned with all these little things. The house has not fallen apart. If too many dishes pile up or husband makes a mess, I just point to it and nicely ask him to clean it up. He’s happy, I’m happy.
The first thing that jumped out at me about this post, Leah, is that it seems like you’re beating yourself up about being who you are. Not about how you reacted to this one situation (though you’re being very harsh on yourself about that, too), but about how you are intrinsically a different person than Simon — the whole “if I were in charge, we’d never have any fun” part sort of bothers me, because (a) it’s not true — people who like to be punctual and punctilious can be fun, too; and (b) it’s 100% fine for you to be that way. After all, children DO need to get to school on time, and chores need to get done, and so on. It’s great that you have, in Simon, a husband who can add levity and spontaneity to your family’s life, but that doesn’t mean that your nature is worse, that your reactions are wrong, or that you’re “being a bitch” when you’re upset by the way a given situation plays out.
I mean, we all do well to examine our reactions and behaviors, and to try to recognize when we’re being unreasonable, and I think it’s good that you’re doing so (what else is blogging for, after all?!); but I object to the concept (implicit or explicit) that being an enforcer/type-A/just-like-me person makes you lesser in some way. The fact that you and Simon are two different people doesn’t make for a black-and-white, right-or-wrong dichotomy between who you are and who Simon is (both equally terrific in your own unique ways, obviously). As Jen (wise, wise Jen) suggests, you both have valid positions, and the joy of a sustained relationship is navigating, from BOTH sides, the way toward common ground that you can both live with. So maybe pancake day is only on Sunday, and if Mom gets to sleep in, Dad gets the kids ready for school — everybody wins!
So I suppose, to address the “Thank you” vs. “Thank you BUT” quandary, I don’t think that a simple “thank you” quite applies here. Or, more precisely, maybe it applies in the moment because it’s not going to lead to a productive, non-hurtful, non-snappish conversation at that time, but there’s a conversation that has to happen (calmly, post-clean-up) to make sure that you don’t end up in this space where you feel like the bad guy/bitch, and he feels deflated and hurt. Needing to have that conversation doesn’t make you a joy-killer, but it also doesn’t suggest that Simon’s an insensitive cad (since neither of you are those things).
Perhaps in the moment, he gets a “Thanks, honey…” with a subtext of, “Let’s talk about this later” would be where I would come out. Personally, I do a crap job of tamping down my own seething when my husband does something well-intentioned but that creates work for me/stresses me out/etc — I am terrible at not reacting (negatively) in the moment, usually in the form of barbed criticism, when usually the more productive way to respond is to defer discussion to a later time, and then figure out how you can make the next time better.
Everything Kacey said.
Yeah – I agree with what someone else said, we can really only change our own behavior and reactions. I am not a morning person AT ALL. I’m kind of a ragey B*tch. Husband gets up with the kid and I get to lay in bed for a bit and wake up quietly on my own time. I come out and the dishwasher is unloaded and maybe husband even gave our son breakfast already and he makes me coffee. But my M.O is always to grumble and find something to complain about. Even though, in the moment, I think my complaints are valid, later I always find myself realizing that it’s not such a big deal or I could talk to him about it later. (Like, watching for crusty bits on the dishes as he unloads them.) THANK YOU. PERIOD. is in order because I know that *I* am not perfect and have plenty of irritating habits, too, even if I like to pretend that I don’t. I am not perfect and there’s two people in the relationship and it needs to be worked out that we BOTH are involved and BOTH get to have things we want.
There are a lot of things that annoy the crap out of me or make me angry. That’s part of relationships, I suppose. But I learned that nagging him and getting angry about what he does does not solve anything. I need to be responsible for MYSELF and my own reactions. I’ve tried to find ways to tone down my reactions or examine whether they’re really necessary or if I’m insisting on MY way and not giving room for HIS way. Sometimes my annoyance and anger is out of some other issue that’s entirely my own and nothing to do with him. (Like, I got pissed off at him for giving our son a bagel for breakfast instead of waiting for me to come out and make his oatmeal. huh? ) I realized that *I* needed to change my own pattern. One morning I came out, ignored all the “annoyances” (which were forgotten later, anyway) and simply took the coffee that he made for me and I said, “I adore this coffee!!” (I took that idea from a book, long story.) I saw the look on his face – it totally made his day. Seriously. Men are really easy.
And I enjoyed that so much more than complaining about not wiping up the coffee grinds.
Another thing I thought of – my husband also likes to get up with our son and let me take my time getting up because he works long hours and treasures that little bit of time he gets in the morning. You mentioned Simon usually getting up at 5:45 am (OUCH. YUCK) and leaving early for work. It could be that he was really happy to have that extra time with his sons and wanted the pleasure of bonding with Wombat by making him pancakes. I think we often forget that fathers need that, too. And really, our kids having good memories with their parents and these little, offbeat bonding moments are SO much more valuable than the little annoyances, aren’t they? For what it’s worth.
You are so not a bitch in this instance. You are one hundred percent correct that during the work/school week–help needs to come in the form of keeping everyone moving forward. Weekends are for breaking out the special treats, fly by the seat of your pants activities, etc. I could go on about this but others have said it more eloquently. I think it comes down to a simple, respectful conversation where you explain what help looks like/feels like and then give him free reign on the weekends. Simon comes off like the victim in this scenario. He is not.
my way: I have a new mantra: “it’s his house too.”
my sister’s advice: First time – observe; Second time – mention it (at another time); Third time – actually deal with it. Often we don’t make it past the second time. Recently I was irritated because of the time worn not putting dishes in the dishwasher in the evening (he works nights and comes home late, I am in bed). How hard could it be? First time (well twentieth) I watched both of us – him doing it and my reaction. Then I assessed my reaction. Second time – I mentioned it (at another time and using “I” statements instead of ‘you”) Turns out, he knows I am a light sleeper and because of medical issues never get enough sleep. We live in an apartment, he wasn’t putting things in the dishwasher so he wouldn’t be noisy and wake me up – yes that kind of noise, slight as it would be, might wake me up. So he was being considerate. Now the dishes on the counter don’t bother me at all.
You are fine, he is fine, you’ve just bumped into each other … no harm done, I’m sure.
I’ve had to let this post (and comments) sit and marinate for quite sometime before I felt ready to comment. I’ve really rolled the phrase ‘kind, but not thoughtful’ over in my brain a million times (as mentioned by Jen) because I think it manages to get to the root of a lot of the issues. Intent, different love languages, understanding each others’ needs and weaknesses, so on and so on.
The majority of our disagreements really probably stem from this structure. Yes, I’m a bit anxious and a perfectionist, but that doesn’t mean if I have tips, suggestions, or critiques about how things could be done better it’s from a place of control rather than a place of helpfulness. We have two laundry baskets, one for the kids’ stuff, and one for ours. It helps speed up the process of getting clothes put away. When you have a 10 year old you’re trying to model responsibility to, it’s much easier for her to only have to dig through one basket of kid-sized clothing, rather than two, yet he consistently just throws clean clothes all willy nilly between the two. Or when he decides to throw a load of laundry in, but refrains from checking for stains. He’s trying to be kind, but he’s a grown-up living with a toddler in which this step should be ALWAYS mandatory, and I’m the one who usually ends up spending time with elbow grease to remove now set-in stain.
As Jen said, something kind isn’t always helpful, and when we are in close relationships (whether romantic, familial, work, etc) I think we all owe it to the dynamic to be wise enough to try to find the balance.
I do have to respectfully disagree with Kacey that it’s not a big deal, or that Simon shouldn’t try to change, or that ‘his’ way isn’t valid as well. I think it’s apparent from the post that you’ve contemplated this quite a bit not just for your own benefit, but for his and your family too. If you, Leah, have to give, why wouldn’t Simon?
Why?
We recently fought over time management, because my husband randomly started mowing while he had the chance and it completely threw my whole day and plans for a loop. I’d wanted to go to the shoe store for their 25% off sale to get the kids some fall shoes. This ended up not being possible. We are on a very tight budget, so it means that had we gone (I nixed the trip) the girls would have ended up with fewer shoes, or maybe not the favorites they wanted. As the step-mother to a 10 year old fashion conscious girl (whose mom buys her the latest fashions, no bottom line), this creates a myriad of issues (all valid) beyond just him trying to be kind (mowing the lawn ASAP). Budgetary, logistics of taking two kids to the store on my own while pregnant (he then had band practice), blended family dynamics, etc. I’m SO glad our lawn is fairly well kept, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have legit beefs with the way it went down. However, I will say this post has given me a new framing reference, so when we do need to talk about it, it’s hopefully more diplomatic.
@Curly Girl I understand your points and that in some instances, one way works better. But why do you disagree that Simon’s way isn’t valid, as well? I don’t think the ways of the “perfectionists” that seem more practical invalidate all other “ways.”
Just speaking from my own experience, I have always argued on point of principle, “Well it has to be this way because of points x,y,z time constraints, cleanliness, etc.” But just because my husband does the dishes at a different time than I’d like, for example, doesn’t make his way invalid. It means we have two different ways, each are valid, and we need to find a compromise.
Read thru all the comments, and you’ve got some pretty smart people here. I tend to weigh heavily on the “Thank You. Period.” end of the commentary. And that’s hard to say because I am almost insane when my schedule gets thrown for a loop.
What I’m trying to do, though failing regularly and miserably, is to just own how I’m feeling. To accept the gift and acknowledge the wonderful heart that it comes from, and then to still share how it’s affecting you is really hard.
What about saying something like, “Thank you. You are so kind and generous and such a great father. And I am a little panicked about how we’re going to get this morning thing done. Talk me down from the ledge?”
I don’t know. Just hoping you can find peace in the midst of morning chaos. {{hugs}}
I guess the way I see it is, what are you going to remember at the end of the day/week/month/year/life? The fact that the dishes were dirty and that the baby had to nap in the car? Or the kind gesture from Simon (for, whatever else the fallout was, his intent was to be kind)? The reality, as you pointed out, is that the work is never done. The house will never be completely spotless, the dishes and kitchen will never remain clean, the yard will ever more need tending. Life is messy, untidy, unpredictable. What do we miss out on when we eschew pancake breakfasts? I really, really hope I’m not sounding judgmental or holier-than-thou, but I also really want you to see the forest and not just the trees.
This sentence, this right here: “the way my brain likes everything Just So, it can be really hard for people to do nice things for me” resonated with me SO MUCH.
Learning to let others help is a learned skill for people like us. I think that, sometimes, if you want your spouse to continue to try, you have to just say thank you, period, and then maybe later you could talk gently with him about how that worked in some ways and not in others. (Breakfast for the family while mom sleeps in? Good. On Thursday? Not so good.) That is what works for us. Whenever I interfere with or critique Graham’s attempts to clean or help, he feels like I don’t appreciate his attempts so I try to just say thanks and show him how he has helped. And he continues to try.