Bitches
Here’s what’s bullshit: I was scheduled to have my membranes stripped by the nurse practitioner yesterday (Wednesday) afternoon, and when I showed up I was told that said nurse practitioner–the sole nurse practitcioner–is only in on Tuesdays, so I was out of luck. Oopsies!(Suicide-murdersies!)
Hoooooow the receptionists were able to schedule me an appointment with someone on a day she NEVER works is a mystery for the Nepalese sage who lives atop a mountain, who, incidentally, is probably the only one who didn’t feel my silent scream ripple through the atmosphere when I was told that my OB herself was on vacation for the rest of the week, meaning I wouldn’t be able to see anyone about anything until Monday. MONDAY. I.e., Five days later, i.e., five days overdue, i.e., the day my dad flies in, i.e., four days before both my parents LEAVE. So unless old Mompthy decides to get his groove on before then, it’s very possible my parents will come and go without seeing the baby and/or see him only in sporadic bursts at the hospital (where they will not be allowed into the kitchen to prepare me the awesome meals I’ve been anticipating since November).
I know, I know, not the end of the world, but in the meantime, I have to apologize that my folks’ vacation to see the grandsons might be spent minus one grandson and plus one daughter who is now quite inconsolably cranky. Again, I’m fully aware that none of this actually matters in the grand scheme, but I’m still upset because (a) PREGNANT AND CRANKY and (b) the damn receptionists screwed up something they shouldn’t have screwed up. Again. (My disability checks will be late because they didn’t give me all the correct paperwork when they should have, and Simon and I also spent all those work hours in triage a few weeks ago because they were supposed to call the U/S clinic to approve a quickie appointment and then just…didn’t. Morons.) (They’re very nice, but they’re not my favorite right now.)
I feel like I should be silver-lining this and doing something valuable with the extra time (I tried to stage a family-of-three photoshoot last night but was called “bitchy” because I was trying to get it done in the 10 minutes before the sun went down, and most of the pictures are terrible and, anyway, now I look at them and can only think “bitchy” (which was totally unfair considering it was everyone else who was being IMPOSSIBLE)), so…I think I’ll just sit here and brood instead.
Simon the Magnanimous of course offered to do a little DIY membrane stripping himself, and when I declined, he generously (and without her permission) offered the services of my mother because thirty-five years ago at the start of her medical career she was a pediatric nurse and that’s “close enough.” In a fit of fantasy, it also occurred to me that Daycare Lady used to be some sort of L&D nurse back in Japan (is anyone surprised?) and, say!, I could totally ask her to do the dirty work for a small fee or maybe a basket of lemons from our tree.
The stupidest part of all this (besides the receptionists) is that I feel FINE, which is infuriating because were it not for the family-in-town situation and my missing an extra week of work and my back-of-the-brain worries about things like amniotic fluid levels and placenta function and growing a baby whose daily embiggening is increasingly threatening the out-hole, I should just be relaxing. Taking baths, eating Oreos, sniffing freshly laundered miniature overalls. Instead I’m furrowing and wringing and unproductively contracting just like I’ve been doing since the beginning of the second trimester.
Also, it’d be really nice if people would stop saying things like, “Go on and have the baby already!” as if I had any control over anything. The best I can do is devote some time to making freezer meals and maybe finally get around to actually packing my hospital bag, the contents of which are currently dumped into a laundry basket in the living room because I was just positive packing it ahead of time would assure I’d go overdue. I say I’m not superstitious, I do crap like that, and then I learn the lesson for the frillionth time that I really shouldn’t be superstitious because it clearly doesn’t change a damn thing. Phooey.
To do:
- Prepare some freezer meals.
- Pack my hospital bag.
- Write angry letter to receptionists and use it as kindling when I burn their likenesses in non-superstitious effigy.
- Jumping jacks.
Here’s me being bitchy:
Bitchface!
Insufferable shrew!
Okay, I was maybe being a little bossy here:
How DO they stand me?!
Being past your due date is MISERABLE. I totally understand your pain/ rage and it is valid. With Beckett, when I went in for the NST (non-stress test) four days past due (when is your first?), he slept through the whole thing and didn’t pass it, so they scheduled induction for the next day. Maybe the same will happen with you? I saw 42 weeks pregnant once, and it’s not something I’d wish on anyone. Good luck!
No NSTs scheduled at all, which feels weird, since this is the doc who’s been talking induction since 39 weeks. I guess when you’re on vacation you just care less about silly old things like MAKING SURE THE BABY IS OKAY. (I love my OB, but COME ON.)
I have (more than) half a mind to fake a panic and show up at L&D for an NST aaaaand a membrane stripping in the next day or so.
I think those photos are lovely. Also:
http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m6jyv9hZzw1rys4czo1_500.gif
You have my utmost sympathy. Was overdue for both my pregnancies. I’m 5’2″ and had a 10lb baby. *Somebody* should’ve done something a lot sooner to prevent THAT in my opinion. I tried it all: Black Cohosh tea, sex, climbing stairs, sex, spicy food, sex…you get the idea. Really hope you’re able to squeeze out the lazy bugger soon. (Ironically, my most overdue is also my most “active” — really doesn’t make ANY sense). Good luck!
5’2″ and a 10 lb baby. OY.
I’m just getting SO ANTSY because if I end up having to be induced, I’m going to be really pissed I didn’t just do it earlier, when it would have made everything else so much easier. I need a crystal ball.
“I know, I know, not the end of the world…”
IT IS WHEN YOU’RE NINE MONTHS PREGNANT AND PAST YOUR DUE DATE. It is a fucking miracle I didn’t strangle the 346,685,345,723,501 people who would stop by my desk each day past my due date and say “HAR HAR HAR Are you still here?!” No, I’m a fucking hologram. CLAM IT.
Random lady at the craft store yesterday told me I was either having twins or a GIGANTIC baby. People like that have either never met a pregnant woman before or have zero self-preservation instincts. I wanted to stab her with an embossing tool and sprinkle glitter on her corpse.
These pictures are adorable! Also, Simon’s face is each is THE EXACT SAME. How does he do this?! Did you put him under a bitchy hex?
After I bitched at him for not smiling, he surreptitiously replaced himself with a cardboard cutout.
She said smile. So I smiled.
Also — totally off-topic but I am dying to share this with someone. This made me laugh so hard this morning, I nearly pulled a muscle. Maybe it will make you go into labor? And if it does, it will kick off the best damn birth story ever:
http://memewhore.tumblr.com/post/27014700572
That is some seriously passionate tambourine playing. He must practice a lot.
Simon’s face cracks me the heck up.
I totally LOVE your dress.
Sending all manner of labor-inducing thoughts your way!
You are the cutest bitch in the whole world! And the light is GORGEOUS! Whatever you did, it totally paid off to get those amazing shots. You (and the guys) look beautiful.
I’m sure you’ve looked up all the get-labor going tricks, right? Acupuncture and a foot massage might help. Will I piss you off if I tell you to try to relax? All the stress will surely keep labor away. Try a long walk, or a hot bath/shower, deep breathing, calm music. I know it’s all very new-agey, but it really did help me to be open, relaxed and ready for labor to start.
I’m sending magic labor vibes your way and hoping the baby decides to arrive tonight! Come on little Mompthy!
Hey, I thought “just relax” only works for people trying to get pregnant!
Ha! No, it’s pretty much an answer for everything. Sorry! I guess the truth is really that you are at the mercy of Mompthy and the gods of labor. You are powerless to affect any kind of change over the situation, but if you want to *feel* productive, relaxing is as good as anything. Or sex, that’s usually fun.
You are the cutest bitch in the whole world! And the light is GORGEOUS! Whatever you did, it totally paid off to get those amazing shots. You (and the guys) look beautiful.
I’m sure you’ve looked up all the get-labor-going tricks, right? Acupuncture and a foot massage might help. Will I piss you off if I tell you to try to relax? All the stress will surely keep labor away. Try a long walk, or a hot bath/shower, deep breathing, calm music. I know it’s all very new-agey, but it really did help me to be open, relaxed and ready for labor to start.
I’m sending magic labor vibes your way and hoping the baby decides to arrive tonight! Come on little Mompthy!
Your bitchy pictures are pretty great. Crossing my fingers for labor soon soon SOON!
well, this is my first time here and I can tell you that I am thoroughly entertained! I also have a 7 month old, so I also was in the 9th month of h.e.double toothpicks not to long ago.
I do think they hire the most insanely frustrating (stupid) people to be receptionists at OB practices. I don’t think I’ve ever had a good experience with them. Or… maybe it was me? and pregnancy?
You look beautiful. Godspeed mama!
Thank you, and welcome! We’re all nice here, so stick around.
I am sure as Leslie points out you have looked at all the labor-getting tricks. Consider:
1) Sex
2) Red tea
3) Crack (actually works but I AM JUST JOKING ABOUT THIS ONE PLEASE DO NOT TRY).
CRACK! That’s a new one. I’m sure it works wonders… (Speedy delivery?)
Just popping in to say I’m sending you good vibes. Both of mine were born at 41 weeks. Slow cooked, and thus pissy, is just how we do it over here.
I say three strikes and you’re out. The receptionists have got to go.
The pictures are really great. No bitchface at all!
” I wanted to stab her with an embossing tool and sprinkle glitter on her corpse.” I can see her tombstone in my head, it would read, “Bedazzled for asking a pregnant woman who was past her due date if she was ONLY having one baby.”
Sending happy baby come soon vibes!
I would DEFINITELY be ranting a mile a minute if my clinic had done that to me. Totally justified. Also, I have talked to A LOT of incredibly stupid receptionists of medical facilities in the last few years. Maybe they spent all their payroll money on doctors and nurses and had to hire monkeys to answer the phones? Anyway, what I do in situations like this is keep saying to myself, “There is nothing I can do. It’s done, over, and it’s time to move on.” With slow breathing. This keeps me from my default mode of replaying it over and over and imagining best and worst scenarios that could possibly have happened, etc, until the end of time.
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I’m 39 weeks, 6 days pregnant, so I can relate to how you’re feeling! I was looking forward to the membrane stripping for a week (well, as much as one can look forward to something like that), so if the plans were unexpectedly derailed by a receptionist’s mistake, I would have been insanely PISSED OFF. To the point where I would keep calling until she found a qualified person to do it for me. I think your idea about faking a minor emergency and popping into labor and delivery (baby isn’t moving as much) or something could potentially work. Good luck!
Loved this post by the way.
It’s totally understandable that you are cranky right now. I was so pissed I cried when I was sent home from the hospital because the docs said my labor wasn’t going enough yet. I knew I would have the baby no more than a day later, but I wanted it over NOW. (An hour later, labor was rockin and rollin. I think I brought it on thru shear determination and being so angry).
I really liked your blog. Keep writing.
Wow that was unusual. I just wrote an very long comment but after I clicked submit my comment didn’t show up. Grrrr… well I’m not writing all that over again. Anyways, just wanted to say fantastic blog!
CUTE DRESS. Hope you can still wear it now that Fox has arrived!!!
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