That Is the Question
Seeing as I have a shiny, new, responsive forum in which to publicly unravel, allow me to wax neurotic about preschool for a moment.
Now, I haven’t gotten myself good and worked up about preschool in a while, and the reasons for that are two-fold:
1. We found some good options, and that calmed me way the heck down, and
2. The preschool issue that’s still a bit of a thorn is the matter of WHEN we make the transition, and because that falls firmly in the I’ve Never Done This Before and Therefore Have No Idea What I’m Doing column, I really wanted your advice. Now that comments are working, I hope you have some to share.
So here’s the deal: We found two great preschools and both have current openings and rolling admissions, which means we can start Wombat pretty much whenever. The rub is this whole “baby thing,” as we sometimes lovingly refer to the fourth member of our family. Mompth (whom Wombat now insists should be called by the “very good name” Fox Lorax), will be joining us sometime in July, and maybe I’m just underestimating my flexible firstborn’s flexibility, but it seems that transitioning him to preschool from the daycare he’s been at for eight hours a day, five days a week, for TWO WHOLE YEARS (can you believe that?) is probably best not done within a certain window of proximity to welcoming a newborn into the house.
I’m pretty sure I’m right on that point for starters.
But…when is a good time? By which I of course mean “When is the Best Time, a.k.a. the only Right Time, because there must be a Perfect Way to do this, yes? Because parenting is an exact science? I think I read that somewhere.
On the one hand, I feel like the best option would be to transition him well before the baby comes (i.e., uh…NOW) because it will give him time to settle (and give me time to figure out the new rhythm and routine of the place), such that come July preschool will feel like a comfortable and familiar sanctuary during what will be at the very least a minorly turbulent first few months with a newborn. If he happens to regress and/or metamorphose into some sort of hellbeast in response to the baby, I would also like the preschool staff to have known the Before Wombat, when he was about as tractable and full of reason as one could expect from a three-year-old.
Also making a case for the Send Him Now option is the fact that he protests “I don’t want to go to daycare!” more mornings than not, and although he always has a great time and I think his resistance is mostly due to his threeness (a frequent exchange: “You’re a contrary little boy.” “No I’m not!”), I also know that he’s beyond ready for this next stage in his social, emotional, and educational development, and that will be especially true when all the kids his age at daycare transition to preschool this summer and fall, with or without him.
On the other hand…
I’m not ready to lose the comfort and familiarity and support of daycare (not to mention that his fluency in Japanese will vanish in a matter of months; I’m taking that very hard). Daycare = my happy place. I know it, I love it, it’s stable and predictable, and I feel more confident in my ability to muddle through the old-hat daycare routine under the influence of a newborn than I do adjusting to the unfamiliar demands of brand new preschool. (There are mandatory parent co-op hours and rules about licensed characters on clothing (bah), and I will have to make his lunch EVERY DAY, people. I barely manage to make myself lunch every day. I called bullshit on a microwave meal that insisted I get up out of my chair and stir it halfway through the cooking time. What do they think I am? Some sort of elite athlete?)
So far, the one person whose advice we’ve sought on the matter is Daycare Lady, who Lady thinks we should wait to send Wombat to preschool after the baby’s here so we can legally leave Wombat with her during however many days and nights we’re in the hospital (although I suspect she just doesn’t want to lose him because she loooooooves him), but…I don’t know. My mom is planning to come for the birth, so childcare shouldn’t be an issue, and doesn’t it seem weird to keep a kid out of preschool for an extra four, five, or six months when he’s SO READY, just because it might make those two or three days easier, if we even need her on those days at all?
I realize that the overarching pickle I’m in here is that I’m caught between What’s Good for Me vs. What’s Good for Him, and, yeah, when you look at it that way, there really should be no contest, BUT…I also think I’m fooling myself if I pretend that either option will make a significant difference to Wombat himself (or how he adjusts to the new baby), because it’s really all just a crap shoot that depends on so many factors, including the time and conditions of Mompth’s arrival plus Wombat’s attitude toward it plus luck and barometric pressure and whether the wind is blowing north-north-west or southerly. I simply cannot tell a hawk from a handsaw at this point is what I’m saying.
“Yeah, no kidding, lady.”
And let’s not forget that Simon starts a new job on June 1, which obviously complicates things considering he’s been 100% in charge of all daycare responsibilities for the last two months, a luxury I will miss dearly and also one that has me straight-up wanting to whimper into my WordPress for another ten paragraphs (although I won’t) because hooooooow in the wooooooorld am I going to dooooooo this?
The current plan–if you can say “default mode” is a plan, since we’ve made no moves in either direction–is that we keep him in daycare until after the baby’s born (late August? September?). And yet I kind of feel like we’re holding him hostage there and also that if I’m really committed to avoiding a string of spectacular public failures in front of strangers, I should probably get the hang of preschool NOW instead of start from scratch when I’m sleep-deprived and hormonal and living the reality that WHOA, two kids is, like, A LOT.
But, ah, I’m torn (and a little mad, forsooth). Which is where you come in. Tell me what to dooooooo!
So. We had a summer baby, and started preschool shortly after that. We weren’t dealing with the daycare situation, but I don’t think transitioning him after the baby is born is a problem. We sold it as something fun that was JUST for him. Big kid friends, big kid snacks, big kid messy crafts, big kid toys with a million small pieces. NO BABY SISTERS ALLOWED.
As for what’s better for you, well, it’s hard to say. Is being very pregnant and tired and learning the new school ropes any easier than being new-mom tired? Also, since it’s preschool, and not daycare, there will be a lot of people all starting at the same time, all figuring it out as they go, right? Is there a natural start of the year there? Because you might want him there when everyone else is starting, rather than jumping in at the end of the school year when he’ll be the new kid.
Megan–Both schools have rolling admissions, so there’s no official start date, which means he’s going to be the new kid and I’m going to be the scatterbrained parent no matter what. I’d love it if there were an official start to the year, since then I wouldn’t have to make any decisions!
I do love the idea of the preschool transition being linked to the baby’s birth as a Big Kid Thing Wombat gets to do now that there’s a little one around. I’d been trying to keep the two events separate, figuring too much change at once would be overwhelming, but considering his personality, he might really dig connecting the two.
Thank you!
We tried to get most of the big transitions (big boy bed, potty training, new child care arrangements and preschool) settled a couple of months before the baby arrived. And with the exception of several days when we had family in town, we stuck to the preschool/daycare routines per usual to maintain some sense of normalcy. This worked out pretty well for us, I personally think it would have been much harder on me to make any transitions post-baby (even several months later). It was way too easy to fall back on the comfortable routine. The baby’s schedule (ha!) changed so much early on that it could have taken me months to make any big changes to the rest of our lives. But, kids are so flexible, so you’re probably right that it doesn’t matter to him at all. I vote for doing whatever you think will make it easiest on you.
That’s totally what I’ve been thinking all along. (Me me me!) It took me a LONG time to get the daycare routine down, and that was without a newborn at home. Simon suggested we start preschool at the beginning of August (um…two weeks after the baby is due?!), and I think that’s CRAYAYAYAYZEE. I know it would be so much easier on me to be able to fall back on the routine of daycare (and the forgiveness and understanding of Daycare Lady) for those first few months of newborn insanity, but I’m also REALLY worried that W’s getting the raw end of the deal if we have to keep him in daycare until we have our act together, which could be as late as six months from now.
Ugh! Decisions!
Tough one. My short answer is, I think it depends on your kid (sorry not super helpful). I just had #2 and #1 has fared quite well, but she has always been easy with transitions. She adjusted quickly to things like moving to a new room at daycare, dropping her naps, changes in teachers – she rolls with it and carries on. So if anything, I have been trying to find new experiences for her now that #2 is here to keep her stimulated (otherwise she gets a little cagey.)
But I know some kids who struggle with any kind of transition and take longer to adjust – including becoming a sibling – in which case maybe status quo would feel more comfortable for the kid too? I don’t know if that’s useful. Good luck! I’m sure you can’t really go wrong either way.
Yeah, he’s super flexible and super easygoing and he wants to go to preschool SO BAD. I think I’m letting myself getting psyched out by the stories I’ve heard about flexible and easygoing children regressing and becoming completely unreasonable in response to a new baby. I don’t *think* that will happen with Wombat, but you never really know until it happens, I guess.
I strongly advise starting him in preschool NOW. He is telling you how ready he is. Listen to him. Best wishes.
I know, right? I KNOW. And yet…
My boy’s transition to preschool was rough. He started at 2y3m from previously being cared for at home by his gramma. His school also had rolling admission and he missed their “first day of school” in the fall by several weeks. So when he started there were very few other kids who were new. I’m not sure that was a big deal compared to being left alone with strangers for the first time. It took quite a bit of adjusting on our part but his part was the toughest.
Given that your boy is fine going to daycare and you are all used to getting him out of the house that part wouldn’t worry me. But the new job for hubby plus a school setting PLUS a baby would have me moving him sooner to get you all used to it before you add the baby. If the preschool has rolling admission, it may not be as big a deal to start now as it would be at other schools. My boy’s school is a full-time Montessori school with infant, toddler and preschool groups. It serves as daycare for most families, and kids come and go all year round. New kids don’t stick out quite as much as at a school with a more rigid schedule I think.
I’m definitely way less worried about him being the new kid than I am worried about being the new mom who doesn’t know what she’s doing. Wombat is friendly and outgoing and confident and will be fine fine fine, but I’m kind of a scatterbrain about real-life stuff even when I’m *not* hugely pregnant or recently postpartum, so…I really wish I could just do what was best for him (preschool now!) instead of having to deal with my own shortcomings and anxieties.
I don’t have a ton of insight, as we’ll only be sending our fresh 3-year-old to preschool starting this fall…. BUT… if I were to use those strategies I learned somewhere along the line in counselor education courses, I’d say, “What I hear you saying is….” and then sum up that it really sounds like you are leaning towards preschool NOW and maybe just looking for validation. ? Maybe ? I don’t know, you painted a really good picture for the benefits of starting right away, rather than waiting. Hope that is helpful somehow.
Good luck!
You hit the nail on the head, Shari.
Hm. I do think you answered all your own questions in your post, and yet I totally get why it’s hard to come to a decision. I’m on the side of DO IT NOW. Communicate with the school – I’m sure you’re not the first person to send a kid to preschool for the first time in a late-pregnancy/new baby fog, and maybe they can find ways to help you keep up and not feel lost or scattered. You already know it’s what W. wants, and that he will be fine – you have to trust that you will be fine too. Which you will, even when you’re not, if that makes sense. Don’t worry about your flexible and easy child regressing – maybe he will, maybe he won’t, but you can’t control it in any case. At some point, he’s going to go to preschool and the baby is going to come and Simon is going to go to work and you’re going to make lunch, and it will all end up fine. Now if only I could take my own advice re potty training…
Yep, everything you said. I just have to keep reminding myself: It’ll be fine, it’ll be fine, it’ll be fine. Even when it’s not, it’ll be fine.
Not much insight here on the preschool situation, but for small-sample statistics my week-old boy here will be about 3 months when the girl starts preschool at barely-three.
Don’t count out Wombat’s name suggestions entirely! We asked the toddler what the baby’s middle name should be a couple of months ago, and she shrieked “Fox”! We loved it so much that we now have a little Louis Fox.
It’s no coincidence that the thing in the baby carriage in my new blog header is a little red fox…
One last thought based on something my almost-kindergartner has taught me is to think about how long he will be in preschool for. My child spent two full years in preschool and that was more than enough time there. If he starts now, he will spend two plus years there, will he be bored by the end of that?
He’ll be spending almost exactly two years there, but he’s aging out of daycare, so there’s not really much we can do about that (and he’s been there two years already and is definitely bored). Good to think about, though. (I’d probably start him a year early in kindergarten if I could (when he’s almost 5 instead of almost 6), but that’s pretty tricky here, apparently.)
Would it help to pretend it’s the other sort of school without rolling admissions, and just start him in September? Sort of as a precursor to every other academic year of his life, when he’ll move to a new classroom with a new teacher in September/late August? It sounds like you’re just agonizing over this because it’s more choice than you want. If you say “School starts in September,” then that’s just how it is.
On the other (other, other) hand, I hear all the commenters saying “He’s ready, do it now,” and they have a really good point. Especially if he’d love it and he’s resisting going to daycare and you don’t want to have to deal with that for another three (it’s only three) months. But you can’t tell for sure that he’ll love it – you know your kid, but for example, I was sure when Mabel started preschool last year that she’d slot right in happily – she’s been dropping her brother off there and wanting to stay for her whole life, after all – but it turned out to coincide unfortunately with a separation anxiety phase and she took a good two weeks to settle in. Somehow I don’t see Wombat doing separation anxiety, but you just never know. Kids. They like to confound you.
Do what feels right. Go with your gut. I’m no help, am I?
You’re so right: I DO have too many choices/too much control in the matter, and it would be way easier if I could say, “Well, I’m just following the rules”–especially because then I have someone to blame if it doesn’t go smoothly. (Only kind of joking there.) The way it is, I feel like because I have the freedom to choose, the onus is on me to make the BEST choice–rather than just A choice–which of course also means any fallout will also be my (well, our) fault. This is not a good position to be in for an indecisive person who also happens to hate change!
When my #2 was born, my #1 was 2yrs4mo old and she was NOT happy with the arrival of #2. She was super-clingy and all of a sudden needed me to do EVERYTHING for her. Part of this, I’m sure, is that she stopped going to her caregiver and was home with me.
So…have you considered taking your #1 out of daycare for the summer, having him home with you until starting preschool in September? This is what worked for us and honestly, in hindsight, the days were long for me (#1 wasn’t napping anymore) but it was nice for me to have #1 around. Newborns aren’t very interactive so I got to do some “big kid” things with #1.
Oh dear lord, I can’t even imagine the horror that would be for us. One of the reasons Wombat goes to daycare (which costs exactly as much as I make at my day job) is because he neeeeeeds to be with other kids, and with other adults who can give him their full attention in a way I can’t. Aside from the fact that I need to work (for financial as well as emotional/sanity reasons) and that I can’t do my job with a three-year-old in the vicinity, I am REALLY not cut out to be a stay-at-home mom to a kid as active and social as Wombat. Whenever he has to stay home sick or because of a holiday, I feel terrible that I’m so boring compared to all the fun he has at daycare, not to mention that I’m also always distracted because I have a million other things I need to get done each day.
That said, I hope someone who reads this can use that advice, since it sounds like it worked out really well for you guys.
Honestly you will all be fine either way. However, reading your post, it sounds like moving him to preschool is more about him, keeping him in daycare is more about you. Who wins? That’s of course up to you. With our #2 we worked to get most transitions out of the way for #1 before her sister got here. The one I was really reluctant with was potty training. My daughter begged to be potty trained, and I felt I couldn’t hold her back, but dealing with 2 year old on the potty and newborn, sounded like insanity. It actually all worked out fine and I was ultimately glad she insisted on being potty trained. We did not change day cares at that time. We weren’t planning to anyway. Another thing I noticed about what you said is that your son is easy going, social etc. You’re worried about doing it wrong. But really, how can you do preschool wrong? You’re not there, you’re just dropping off. You don’t really have to do too much except show up when you’re supposed to. I guess for me a deciding factor would be ease of access. Is the daycare or preschool closer to your house? Is there a lot of traffic to get to one or the other? You don’t want to be stuck in traffic with a brand new newborn in tow. Good luck. It really will be fine. You will be fine.
You’re totally right about one choice being about me and my comfort and the other about W and his needs. I guess the struggle is that although he would probably prefer to go to preschool NOW, he will be perfectly fine in either case, whereas I think *I’m* going to fare much worse if I pick one scenario over the other. I honestly am worried about not being able to do basic things like get him dressed in appropriate clothing and pack him his lunch, because it look me MONTHS to get the routine down with daycare, and that was without being pregnant/having a newborn.
The one thing I will congratulate myself on, though, is that preschool is exactly as far away from home as daycare is (7-minute drive; I could walk there if it weren’t ghetto) and that we made that a priority knowing I’d be making that commute twice a day with a newborn very soon. So yay us on making one “perfect” decision!
Wombat’s hat is killing me with cuteness. Also, I miss that kid. And oh, OK, his parents, too.