Thinking Cap
St. Patrick’s Day? Although we haven’t yet acquired our own copy of The Leprechaun (Simon negotiated a trade for it via Craigslist), The Departed showed up in the mail and just so happened to be fortuitously swarming with Irish, so that worked out well. Also, neither of us wore green, which meant pinches all around! (My dad never wore green–not on St. Patrick’s Day, not ever–and when I was little I always loved waiting for him to emerge from his room dressed for work on St. Patrick’s Day so I could spring out and give him a smart pinch on the forearm. (When I pinched Simon, it was not on the forearm.))
So Simon and I spent the day pinching each other while adventuring out and about in the greater Bay Area (taking many pictures, surprise, surprise), but in lieu of a recent development, all that is going to have to wait until tomorrow, for today, as I was eating my Pad Thai (stabbing at it with twin sticks; Saturday sushi reconfirmed my need to practice with chopsticks so I don’t look like a damn fool whenever in the presence of nigiri), I came upon the news that the funny and fabulous Mrs. Flinger has awarded me an award.
Gulp.
(I got my share of awards in high school, but it was never that big of a deal since it was bound to happen an overachieving perfectionist type such as I. My baby brother, on the other hand, while a genius, is not a perfectionist and certainly not an “achiever” in the traditional sense, and so it was kind of a Precious Moment the year he got sent home with a letter that read “Dear Mr. and Mrs. Parent, Your son/daughter did something good. Please get dressed up in your ‘Sunday best’ (to us churchless heathens that always raised the cry of “pajamas!”) and attend the award ceremony to celebrate your spawn’s mystery accomplishment.” So we got all dressed up and spent the evening speculating with much giddy anticipation what the award could be for. Band? Computers? Attendance? Personal hygiene? We sat patiently in the audience awaiting his moment to stride onto the spotlit stage, shake hands awkwardly with a member of the adminstration, and collect his certificate/plaque/trophy/oversized novelty check, but it never happened. They never called his name! The program ended and the lights came up and we all just sat there and looked at each other and blinked our eyelids up and down a couple dozen times. Then my brother stood up against the wall by the school seal and gave two huge thumbs up and my mom took his picture and we laughed like lunatics and then went out for frozen yogurt. It was one of those things that really sucked the big one at the time but is infinitely more memorable than any award ceremony I ever took part in, plaques and all.)
So, anyway, Mrs. Flinger awarded me a Thinking Blogger Award and then said some very flattering things about me and then made my stats go BOING, and so now I have come to my Movable Type template today to Think.
Durr…
Actually, I do have something to say that’s pretty “thinky,” but first I have to start with a disclaimer lest bringing up familiar issues raises the familiar hackles for people outside my primary relationship (read: all of you save Simon). I am going to talk (briefly) about babies (specifically, the having of them; specifically, my having of them), but please know that there is no pressuring, convincing, cajoling, manipulating, or any other kind of mental or emotional trickery going on in the subtext of what I write here. In fact, there is no subtext. I want babies–that much is apparent–but that’s all there is to it right now, and rest assured that this website is not my primary mode of communication with the one other person involved in the babymaking, so there’s nothing to be worried about. Okay? Cool.
Ahem.
I’ve written before about babylust and even about combatting babylust with a celebration of childlessness that involves flinging onesself off a mountaintop. But after the latest (serious, unpleasant) bout with the baby bug (but not the Baby Bug), I found myself wondering what to do with all energy and mindspace taken up by the topic because it clearly wasn’t doing anyone any good just stewing about in my brain. Everywhere I turned, coworkers were showing up to parties with babes in Bjorns, bloggers were Flickring sonograms, every commercial was babycentric. Most significant of all, we found out over Christmas that Simon’s sister–she of the brilliant England wedding–is due in August.
On the one hand I’m happy happy happy for everybody, so deliriously happy that I want to babysit for them and go shopping for them and check their websites forty times a day for more pictures because I just can’t get enough. I want to watch their belly growth and track their adoption process and even think fertile thoughts on behalf of the couples I know who are trying for a baby. On the other hand, though, it’s bittersweet for me, and I can’t help but wonder if I need to just back away from it all. It’s not right for me to feel sad when I flip past A Baby Story on TLC. I shouldn’t have to decline babysitting jobs (which I love) because I know they’ll just turn into fodder for moping later on. But if I truly can’t be a part of those things without them getting me down, maybe the best thing is to extract myself from those sensitive situations that I can.
On the other other hand, though, isn’t living vicariously one way to fill the void? If I can’t have my own, shouldn’t I take advantage of time with everybody else’s? Shouldn’t I look forward to trips to Babies R Us, gift registries in hand? Shouldn’t I consider it all preparation for my own inevitable (*fingers crossed*) future? Yes, to answer my own question, I think I should. But doing it with a whole-hearted smile on my face…that’s the challenge.
About a month ago, the wantyness was wearing on me so much that I was ready to cut myself off from all blogs written by moms, pregnant ladies, or girls trying to get pregnant. While I was at it, I also needed to stop reading sites by married people, newlyweds, engaged couples planning weddings, or dating couples planning engagements. The more categories of people I eliminated from my life, the more I realized I was painting myself into a corner with a bunch of teenagers on MySpace who, although probably very lovely, aren’t really people I identify with, what with their skinny jeans and gold hoop earrings and ignorance of Jimmy Carter.
But, you know, that’s just not fair. And it wouldn’t work anyway since, given a few years, all those kids will be getting engaged and married and having babies along with everyone else anyway. My solution, for now, seems to be smiling pleasantly and trying not to think about it. How’s that for a conclusion to my Thinking Blogger Award entry: I’ve decided to stop thinking about things! *applause*
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Part 2 of the award is passing it along to five fellow bloggers. (Part 1, apparently, was blushing profusely.) Here are my picks:
–I started reading Molly at Les Cadeaux a handful of months ago and think she has an enviable talent for writing with simplicity and grace about things that aren’t always simple and graceful themselves. She’s that quiet kind of funny that makes my eyes go all twinkly.
–Julia of Here Be Hippogriffs is one of those people who has been around forever and has legions of fans, and yet I didn’t hop on the bandwagon until recently. She also falls into that grace-and-simplicity-in-the-face-of-all-else category, and I admire the way she can write with such humility and groundedness about controversial things, private things, and deeply painful things.
–Emily of Pantalones del Fuego is an internet friend turned real life friend, and at least once a week I read something on her site that makes me go “Yes! Exactly!” We’re different in a lot of ways, but she’s one of those people whose brain is wired similarly to mine, and I love that. She writes without being overtly writerly, and that’s a lot harder than most people know it is.
–Schnozz over at Schnozzfest wrote a few months ago the most eloquent essay on childlessness by choice that ever I have seen. Everyone should read it because it’s just so damn well written. Although I personally find the topic fascinating, this girl has proven she can write about anything and make it fascinating, so do go check her out. Also, she has bunnies!
–Laywerish, I love. She radiates smarts and yet never puts forth even an ounce of anything remotely offputting. She’s accomplished without being self-congratulatory, humble without being self-deprecating, and pretty and redheaded and able to run marathons without making me hate her. I like how she looks at things, thinks about things, and writes about things. Love her (that’s both a confession and an order).
Now go ye forth and be enlightened!
Mmmmm….Lawyerish and Schnozz. Love them.
Also, the whole “not thinking” thing is a challenge indeed. I know that feeling, and it really is hard when you want things and you want! them! now!
And I don’t have any good advice about that. But I don’t think this is an advice kind of problem.
You totally deserve the award! You make me think. And make me long for the days when I had time to think
Congrats on your award.
Found you through comments on whoorl.
I am mom, so I understand if you don’t come reading my stuff. It can all get mundane after awhile and it IS my life. Trying to keep it fresh is a challenge.
Happy non-thinking. Think I will try not thinking too.
Aw, thanks.
I’m sorry there are baby issues. That has to be painful, and I’ve struggled myself in the past. I hope that you find peace with it. Or that you find a baby. And by “find” I mean “grow in your uterus.” Oh, this just keeps getting more awkward.
You are amazing. See? Do you SEE? This is why you rock.
And I so enjoy your honest expression of your life. And even though I’m in ‘that other place’, I so so relate on some other level of “I was there. I know that feeling.”
Then one day you’ll be here. And I’ll still be reading.
YAY! You absolutely deserved that award. You think, therefor you write – and you do it so well.
And I, for one, love that you write about the baby thing, for selfish reasons. It makes me feel more normal for feeling it, and it makes me feel less apologetic about it.
And LAST thing – I was just wishing for some new blogs to check out, since I’m online all day again and… ya know… when you sit in front of a computer you need to read stuff from time to time… not that you’re NOT doing work or anything, but… I’ve immediately bookmarked your new (to me) list of blogs.
You know, in today’s world, instead of taking your family out for frozen yogurt, your mom and/or dad would have created a huge scene at the assembly, crucified the administrator who made the error, and demanded the resignation of the teacher who sent you the letter in error!
You know, in today’s world, instead of taking your family out for frozen yogurt, your mom and/or dad would have created a huge scene at the assembly, crucified the administrator who made the error, and demanded the resignation of the teacher who sent you the letter in error!
congrats. as for the wanting… i got nothing. i want too. i want so bad sometimes that i ache. when you find the cure, you let me know. i’ll pay you for it.
Wow, do I love that story about your brother. Great post as always. Congrats on the award.
Seriously love the Schnozz, Lawyerish and Julia.
And re this “The more categories of people I eliminated from my life, the more I realized I was painting myself into a corner with a bunch of teenagers on MySpace who, although probably very lovely, aren’t really people I identify with, what with their skinny jeans and gold hoop earrings and ignorance of Jimmy Carter.”
You’d also be painted into the same corner as moi. Though that probably doesn’t make you feel any better, I figured I should try.
Thanks for not thinking of me.
Ya, the awards ceremony. Aside from having to get dressed up, and wasting about 3 hours of our lifes which we’ll never get back, it was pretty hilarious if you stepped back and looked at the big picture. I guess the joke was on us! Better to laugh it off and go out for ice cream, than get pissed off and pout. I laughed out loud when I read this, and have a big grin on my face each time I’ve thought about it since. I guess the memory of the event is just as valuable as a certificate/plaque/trophy. (Thanks for resurrecting that memory.)
Oh, how sweet are you? The love is all mutual. And you know, this entry gave me comfort in my own “not thinking about it” situation — the not thinking about the LONG-ASSED WAIT for the adoption to be complete. Which, because I have to accept it inasmuch as it just IS, I have decided to take with a gulp and a smile and try not to be all “wwaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh” about it.
For both you and me, and everyone else, things will happen. Things will unfold. They’ll unfold according to someone else’s timeline that we may find long and frustrating, but the less we struggle against it, the better we’ll feel.
Mwah!
Congratulations! Awards are lovely, lovely things. You should wallow in it. Roll around a bit.
I don’t know what to say except thanks! and you rock! and also, man, a whole lot of people have now looked at my blog. Wow.
wow, much thanks for the shout-out and ever more for reading and identifying with anything i’ve written – i can really appreciate all the baby related angst; mine tends to fall on the other side of the same coin as you, but for all my Should We’s, there is also the question of Can We, and believe me when I tell you that I know the bittersweet feeling that comes along with all the (much loved!) new babies in your life.
Award much deserved.
One thing I have always enjoyed about your blog is the “thinkiness” and the self-examination you let us all steal a peek into.
Blogging and thinking at the same time? What will they think of next??
Delurking to say – Congrats on your award and thanks for the new reading material! Mostly to say – I hear you on the baby front. My friends have produced at least 10 babies in the last year and I have loved every moment, BUT that ache is there and now the fear – I’m getting old. What if….? Oh and sometimes I think I read the “mom” blogs just to make myself crazy. What I’m trying to say – you are so not alone!
Hi! I just came over from Lawyerish…this is such a complex topic, and your eloquence just blew me away. Now, please excuse me, as I must go read your archives for the foreseeable future.