27 Nov
2004

Spanksgiving

Thanksgiving went well despite more than one indication that it could turn into a total disaster. For starters, I was in charge of cooking everything. Granted, it wasn’t that big of a deal since I’d done three successful Thanksgivings with Ethan in the past, but this time there was no Ethan and I was going to be cooking in someone else’s kitchen–a kitchen that didn’t have potato mashers or vegetable peelers or serving spoons or milk or butter or even salt and pepper shakers. Planning for the cooking was actually more stressful than the actual cooking, and I ended up taking three huge bags full of kitchenwares across the bay, through the busy city, and up four flights of stairs. The only thing I forgot was my big shiny serving platter, but the turkey was just as moist and juicy and delicious off a regular old plate, so nothing was lost. Dinner was excellent (if I do say so myself), and when the guests arrived, everyone wanted to lend a hand, so there was actually a point at which I found myself leaning against the wall with folded arms directing all the mashing and stirring and fluffing and carving without having to lift a finger.

thanksgiving2004.jpg

See those two girls in the lower left picture? Those aren’t just two friends invited over for a friendly Thanksgiving get-together. Those are the two girls Teddy is dating right now, as in simultaneously, as in AT THE SAME TIME. Yes, that’s right, genius boy invited both of them to dinner by accident, he claims. “I can handle it,” he said. “I won’t feel awkward,” he said. He didn’t realize the potential complications of the situation until I spelled out a very clear scenario in which one of them tries to hold his hand or rub his leg or mention something they did on their date last week and the other one realizes something fishy’s going on. His solution? “I’ll just get really drunk so if anything happens, I’ll just blame the liquor.” Nice.

Well, he got good and drunk all right and did some heavy flirting with the short, giggly, sweet one, which left the tall, intense, know-it-all free to talk my freaking ear off all night long. I spent six hours with the woman and I know more about her Republican/Black Panther family and her friend Millicent and Millicent’s wedding and Millicent’s work and Millicent’s kids than I know about myself. She (girlfriend #2, not Millicent) was nice and smart and interesting and all, but there. is. a. limit. lady. and you passed it somewhere between the stuffing and the mashed potatoes.

One thing I was thankful for on Thanksgiving was that Teddy’s roommate Stephanie was not home for dinner. See, she “has” a “boyfriend” who lives “elsewhere,” but she’s had a mad crush on Teddy for several years and is a bit on the jealous side, so having her plus two girlfriends plus me plus some guy who doesn’t speak English so well, and man, that would have been, um, interesting. As it was, however, no drama happened and as far as I know everyone’s still on good terms with everyone else, even me and The Woman Who Would Not Be Silenced.

It was one of the best Thanksgivings in recent memory, as there was a conspicuous lack of Ethan’s mom crying and Ethan’s brother calling in the middle of dinner to make everyone guilty and angry and Ethan’s dad giving me the please-just-shoot-me-now look over the pumpkin pie. I am thankful I didn’t have to put up with any of that.

But the universe had plenty more in store for me.

To Be Continued…

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