An Heir and a Spare

Oh, man, this is a doozy. Right now, we've started talking about if/when we want kids at all. I was always a "no, thanks," person, until recently. The Horse Whisperer was always a "hell yes," person... until recently. My change of heart has been largely biological (ahem), while his was driven by a friend's experience with a newborn.

Anyway.

I don't think there's a wrong answer here. Whatever you decide, you both seem like incredible parents, and thoughtful citizens of the world.

This comment is long and unhelpful. Sorry.

As you know, we have one that's two years (and four months) old. And I can not, for the LIFE OF ME, imagine already having a second right now. I see people with kids 18 months a part and run screaming for the hills. I'm not there. Clearly.

But like you I want a second for Theo. I am an only child and I want him to have a sibling.

I honestly hope I feel the burn and desire as strongly (and physically. It was a full body ACHE as for wanting Theo) as I did the first time. Theo was so colicky and I had PPD and was beyond exhausted, especially when I had the mat leave from HELL and had to go back at 10 weeks. I just don't know if I can go there again.

But! The second time! We can PREPARE! We KNOW what to expect the next time and in another small way I want another kid so I can fix some things I regret about handling the first.

But! Theo is perfect! Like Simon I worry about jinxing the second. I had a rough last month of my pregnancy and we were blessed to have a healthy kid even at a month early. What about a second pregnancy? I know so many preemies in NICU--will that happen to us again? Worse? Will my body cooperate and cook a full term kid this next time?

We think we'll be good to try again in a year. Get some financial things figured out, take care of some things around the house and then there you have it. Another pregnancy perhaps?

I just hope I feel the burn and strong desire along the way. Because is any time a perfect time? Not really. But it can be, eventually.

I'm the third kid; I have two older brothers.
We didn't really get along growing up. In that standard, "God my older brother is a dick/younger sister is annoying"

Flash forward: my older brother and I were neighbors for five years. When he needed a place to live when he started his first company, he moved in with me. When my other brother got married this year, I was a groomsman. And while we're all scattered from where we grew up, now that we're all married and thinking about babies, we're actively trying to get to a place where we can live in the same city and have our kids know each other.

Of course we fight. We let each other down. We revert to old roles and play old tapes and argue like teenagers. And the house was hectic growing up, and we all struggled to find our own place. But I can tell you without hesitation, my entire adult life, I have looked forward to going home for the holidays. Being friends with my brothers is one of my favorite things about my life, without question.

If I'm lucky enough to have a child, I hope to God I'm lucky enough to have two, if not more. Partially for me, but also partially because I can only imagine how lonely, and how much LESS my life would be without my brothers.

I am ready for a second baby! I never wanted to stop at one, I want Jacob to have a sibling or two. I'm not ready to be pregnant and nursing again but I feel that pull toward having a baby so strongly right now. But I know now is not the time. I do want to have a wedding and I do not want to be pregnant or nursing for it. I want to know my life is stable and I have a roof over my head and some security in the bank. I know it doesn't always work like that, but I know I need to wait.

My plan is to get pregnant next summer, before Jacob is three. He'll be a little older than I would like, but we are just not ready now!

Abby--I can't imagine how totally disorienting it must be for you guys to have switched roles like that. I've known couples who've gone from "no kids" to "yes, please!" but they've had the benefit of being on the same page with that. I hope you guys find something that works! (And remind your guy that the newborn stage is just a blink, even if it's really, really bad!)

Samanthajocampen--I think about that too--that now that we know what we're doing, we should be LESS scared to have a second. That said, now we also have specific, first-hand experience with the various ways in which having a kid can suck, and we're also wise enough to know that even if you plan and prepare, you really don't know what you're going to get. Because the universe is a bitch, yo. Prepare for an early baby and it'll be overdue. Prepare for a non-sleeper and you'll get a non-eater. Prepare for a "just one more" and you'll get twins. I keep having to remind myself that having had a great pregnancy and a dream labor/birth and an amazingly easy newborn means ZILCH about what might come down the pike next. EEK. (Also, I'll add you to the list of only children who grew up to have two or more kids herself. For me, this is VERY TELLING.)

LizScott--I think what you said is really important, because we don't always think about the whole picture of the sibling relationship. A horrible childhood relationship can turn into a really wonderful adult relationship and vice versa (at which point, as adults, at least you don't have to live together anymore, right?). I totally miss my brother now that we live so far apart, and even though we don't talk very often, I wouldn't give him up for anything.

This is such a tough one! We are in the can't-have-a-baby-fast-enough camp currently (what do you MEAN they take nine months to cook?), but haven't even mentioned more than one. Other than those wistful "our kids/children" conversations.

Here's the part that's sticky: my brother is one of my best friends. Even better than that, he's one of my husbands best friends. We live in different cities, but talk all the time and are really close. Our age gap is the same as my husband and his older sister's. They do NOT get along. They love one another, but are not now, nor have they ever been friends. They spent their entire childhoods FIGHTING TO THE DEATH (physically as well as screaming matches).

I think our questions will all be around which of our sibling patterns will potential kidlets follow? And is it worth the risk? Ack!

Hey guess what! I think about this A LOT.

First and foremost: I am an only child. So my immediate thought is HAVE ANOTHER ONE! I hate being an only child. HATE IT. Yes, it has its advantages, but my parents are older and a little...difficult. And it is my sole responsibility to care for them. And that is hard. And God forbid, what if something happens to them? I feel like I'll be all alone. Obviously I won't be because I'm married and have a child and have many, many in-laws, but they haven't know me my whole life. They haven't experienced life in my house with my parents for 18+ years. I dearly wish I had someone else to share that experience with.

HOWEVER, I had a MISERABLE pregnancy and labor. Jack is happy and healthy now, but I was mega depressed and really sick for a solid year. It was a very difficult time in which I lost a few friendships and my marriage was REALLY strained. AND my labor SUCKED and I had to have an emergency C and I wound up back in the hospital after I had the baby. So do I want to do that again? HELL NO!

BUT, I hate to let Jack be an only child. Plus, I always wanted to have at least 2 kids. So what do we do? Alex isn't on board the adoption train, so we're left thinking about doin' it the natural way. And honestly? The only reason I'd do it again is for Jack. I want him to have a sibling. I don't want him to grow up alone in our house. We don't have family nearby so his cousins wont'be around to help fill the void. We're not ready yet and we may never be. I have no idea what we'll eventually decide.

Oh, I so get this. I was someone who knew at a very young age I wanted to be a mom- a mom many times over in fact. When we had our daughter in February 2009, we decided we'd reevaluate the situation when she turned 1 and decide then if we were ready for a second. Her first birthday came and went and we still weren't sure. I've been thinking a lot the last few months and I keep coming up with: I'm completely satisfied IF we end up with just our daughter. She's everything I'd hoped for and we totally got things right with her. I think I'd like another child (just one more) but the reason we're currently trying is solely because I think she'd be a great big sister and she deserves a sibling. It's totally for her. I'm 7 years older than my sister and that's been a big age difference for us and I don't want that for my children. So, IF it happens in the next year or so- great. I'll be over the moon. But if not? Well, I'll still be over the moon in love with my daughter and our family of three.

Before I had kids, I could not (! for the life of me!) understand how people would only have one child. Why? Of course, I had one child myself, and BOOM, yes, I can now understand why/how people stop at one. The love. The wonder. The sleepless nights. The way their head smells. The diapers. The smiles and "mama's". The bloody boobs. You get my point.

That did not stop us, however, from having just one. We started trying when my son was 15 months (it took us a LONG TIME to get pregnant the first time). What we ended up with was kids with exactly the same due date, two years apart. (I never ended up with the dreaded "two under two", as they were born two years, 11 days apart.)

Yes, it was hard. But the best kind of hard.

I had a friend tell me once that the major difference in having kids close together and farther apart is how "long and dark your tunnel will be". Close together? Your "tunnel" is shorter, but darker. Farther apart? Your "tunnel" will be longer, but lighter.

Now that we're on the "other side" of the tunnel (my kids are now 5 and 7), the tunnel haunts me no longer. We're now at the sweet spot - kids who can wipe their own butts, sleep all night (they even SLEEP IN sometimes), and are more fun than you could ever imagine. And they love EACH OTHER more that I could ever have imagined.

I would even, GOD FORBID, consider a third child, but no, that ship as sailed.

I'm going to tell Simon something, I think, in this context, even though this is your blog. I was always FIRMLY in the "have one!" camp because I was essentially raised an only child (two brothers, 15 and 16 years older and not moving abroad with us) and I loved it. I love my brothers, but also, I loved having my parents all to myself and I know they did too, and I think they did a good job of making up for the inherent flaws (less socialized, more entitled) of single-childhood.

But then my Dad died, and I think Simon can relate to this, but suddenly I realized WHY I have these older brothers. Well, the one that's still close to my family, anyway. Because I need someone else to help me be the child to my grieving mother, and I need someone else who at least partially understands what I've lost more than Stuart does (who loved my dad a lot, too). And I need someone who comes from the same place I come from.

So, Leah, your strongest case is for Wombat. You really won't be around forever, and neither will Simon. You both have relatively small-ish families, and you at least currently live farther away from them than active family-ing requires. Having a sibling will mean that - and even if they DON'T get along that well, like my husband and his sister - there's someone with that shared imprint of experience, someone to help, or just be there, for ALL the steps in life, including grief at losing, well, you guys.

This convinced me. We'll have two, if we can, because the stuff that's hard (parenting two kids, handling the finances, dealing with sibling rivalries) are hard for us, but the stuff that's worth it (the shared experience, the being-there-when-we're-gone) is stuff that in our wisdom, we know they'll need, so we can give it to them.

That's what I think, anyway.

We were a little oblivious to the percentage increase of sacrifice another child adds.

A rough pregnancy and a kid that needs constant holding has been mighty hard for me. A two year old and a seven month old takes all of our arms, legs, childcare budget (holy hell) and attention.

People in the grocery store stop and tell me that I will forget how hard it is right now and it will be worth it when they can play together.

If you want to do weekly trade offs, I'll take all four kids for a week, you guys can have them on opposing weeks and we'll all be able to pay our electric bills with some money for BlogHer shoes.

Grin, what do you think?

Cora--Yes to Eeactly what you said about having someone else who experienced life growing up in your family (even though, sure, children have different experiences of their parents and what not, but we all know what you're saying here). And now I'm adding YOU to my list of only children who think siblings are a good idea.

Miranda and BethanyWD--Yes to what you guys have said about the age gap. When Simon talks about the crappy/hard parts of having a newborn/baby/toddler, I say, "So then why shouldn't we try to get through that phase quicker?" Having them closer together rather than farther apart means less time changing diapers, less time planning baby-friendly-only vacations, less time structuring our weekends around naptimes. I'd love to hit that two-to-three-year sweet spot (there's still time!) but man, I still just can wrap my head around doing it all again so soon!

Ack, I didn't mean to say "tell" Simon something, that's so bossy (only child!) of me. What I meant was, I wanted to share this specifically with Simon, because I think he might see my point, and to share with him that Dad dying is when I stopped thinking about it terms of "how will this be for me/us?" and started thinking about it in terms of "what will this mean for him/her?". It doesn't mean, either, that just because we're in the Dead Dads club together (do not join! is not fun!), he's necessarily going to agree with me.

Okay! Parameters over.

But wait, how am I supposed to know if (or when, I guess) I want the FIRST kid? Did you cover this on a day I was absent for class? I think I need to go back to 101.

As you know, I have two brothers and a sister and I wouldn't change it for the world; sure, I love the times I get my parents all to myself, but when the four of us siblings are hanging out (and it's so much easier now that we're all older), I can't imagine what it would be like to be an only child. Not saying you need to convince Simon to agree to THREE more now or anything, but definitely putting a check in the "yeah, have another one!" column in case it counts. I mean, Wombat isn't going to fit into that adorable newsboy cap forever and it would be a shame for it to go to waste...

Well.

Initially, my husband and I were both of the "at least four" camp. I know. (We had and still have fantastic relationships with each of our 3 siblings.) So we plowed right in only to come to a grinding halt after kid #2. Which is where we remain.

I never expected to give birth only twice but the more I ponder it the more I'm thinking this will be it for us. I just don't think it would be... smart/wise/whatever for me personally to have another biological baby, knowing what I now know about my body's postpartum tendencies. =) My husband would be willing to get pregnant tomorrow if I was down with it. I'm not down with it, yet, and I may never be.

Now, that's not to say that we'll never ever have a baby in our lives again. We both adore kids and can't imagine our family being "done" right now. So we're seriously considering foster care. Or maybe adoption. There are lots and lots of babies out there in need of serious love, so maybe this is the perfect solution for our family.

I'm really glad we did have the two kids. Watching their relationship unfold is hilarious and amazing. I hope they become as close as I am with my siblings and I'm doing what I can as a parent to foster that closeness.

I have a brother who is 6+ yrs older than me, so it was as if I was an only child in all of the ways that counted. I was only ever an object to torture (tickle torture not actual pain) and tease for my brother. I longed to be an official only child. Of course I like my brother now that we're both adults. Go figure.

My parents divorced when I was 9 and my dad remarried a few years later. I have a step-sister (same age, but a year apart in school) with whom I lived part-time and a step-brother with whom I didn't.

Regardless of what my parents planned when they had me, this was what happened. And it worked out. There were a few not-so-peaceful years when there were two teenage girls in the house, but we all get along fine now and are of great support. I'm glad to have them.

If our plans (JB and I) had gone as we'd hoped, we'd have had the same discussion. I wanted two close in age and he'd have wanted to stop at one. It's a conundrum.

My fiance and I talk A LOT about Babies: When and How Many? and we're both fine with one to start (or if we somehow end up with twins, we are DONE) and see if we have the stamina/desire/financial ability to have another. My fear, though, is that one of us will be on ready to go again while the other is finished. And I don't know how to ensure that it doesn't become a serious source of resentment until we're in the trenches. I'm hoping that the answers are obvious and clear and mutual when we head down that road...

I'm sort of defensive when people say things like, "But you're going to have more than one, right? You don't want an only child*!" since I am an only child! I don't think I'm a total train wreck, but what do I know? I probably wasn't properly socialized :)

*This is usually uttered in hushed, concerned tones.

Aw crap. Now you have me wanting a third and fourth kid. THIS FEELING WILL PASS, right?

Yes, I always knew I wanted more then one kid because I wanted my kids to have siblings. I thought maybe I wanted three but now that I have two I feel like I am done. Watching my daughter interact with my son is woderful and I'm so glad they will have each other in life and not just me and my husband.

I wish I could contribute to this discussion, but we're both still a little freaked out about getting our first DOG in just a month, so the kid thing...yeah. I got nothing.

I am an only child and had never ONCE - until now - thought about what it would be like for me when my parents die. And now I'm a little depressed! Thanks, commenters!

Anyway, being an only, I always wanted just one ("Why have another kid when I struck perfection the first time?" my mom always used to tell me :-) But then seeing my husband and his 3 younger brothers, I don't think there's any way I could NOT have more than one. Their bond is just too, too much.

Regardless, none of this matters, as I don't even have ONE yet!

I didn't feel 100% ready for the second, or the third, for that matter, until I actually got pregnant with them. It was a kind of "let's just close our eyes and take a leap of faith" thing and then once we found out we were pregnant with the subsequent children then I got excited about how our family would turn out. That being said, I think that more of my motivation for more kids laid with wanting a positive sibling experience for THEM (family bonds, sisters and brothers to play with, etc) than my simply wanting more.

My 2 are 3 1/2 years apart and I have to say, it was pretty good timing. The older was able to help himself while I was nursing or just general baby caring. I'd put things down low like snacks and drinks so he could reach them. He could be a helper and feel involved by getting blanket, diapers, etc... financially- They won't be in college at the same time. :o)

He was definitely excited about becoming an older brother. He was able to grasp the idea of it a little so he wasn't just shocked when we brought a baby home.

My reasons for having a second were varied. Sure we wanted another baby to love on but I also really, really wanted my son to have a sibling. I wanted for him to have someone when we're gone. Morbid? Maybe, but I felt like I was giving him a a great gift.

Does he see it that way now? Not always, but they are great together and I have high hopes for a good sibling relationship down the road.

You are very good at posting about topics that make me want to leave a nine-paragraph comment but then scratch it all and go lie down to recover.

You make me think too much, lady!

Still, so much to say on this and I have no idea how to go about saying it. Talking it over drinks in NYC sound good?

With my first son I had serious baby yearnings before getting pregnant. With my second son, I wanted another child but mostly I wanted a sibling for my first son. My two guys are 21 months apart and I intended for them to be close in age (although not quite that close). For us, it has worked out really well. That's not to say it isn't hard, because it most definitely is, but it is WORTH IT. They are 2 and 4 right now and they love each other and they are best friends, and though that isn't always the case with siblings, I'm so happy to have given them the gift of each other.

My two are just two and a half years apart. When contemplating a second pregnancy, I didn't feel totally ready, but I could just about see the light at the end of the tunnel - my son was starting to sleep through the night and we cut down nursing to just a couple of times a day. Pregnancy gives you nine months, after all, to prepare for what's coming, and a toddler will grow up a lot in that time. I did know I wanted to be pregnant again, though - every time I heard that another one of the mums in our group was pregnant, I'd think, "That should be me." I'm an only child, and to me the question of a second was never whether, just when. (My husband is one of five, and he felt the same.) I also thought that by doing it then I was leaving time for a possible third before my totally arbitrary and self-appointed time by which I wanted to be done having babies.

Now we're at that point again (my daughter being just a month older than Wombat), only it's very much a whether. And right now we're leaning towards not, but I'm reserving judgement in case I suddenly get that yearning in the next year or so. But I've been saying "Ask me again in a year" for at least a year now, so I think my self-appointed deadline will go out the window if we do have a third. I'm not sure I want to enter the tunnel again, and the longer you're out the harder it is to contemplate going back in.

Have you read this entry and all the comments from Alice Bradley last year:
http://www.finslippy.com/finslippy/2009/12/only-.html

It's a goodie. Tough but really good all the way to the last comment.

Clearly I'm in the minority here but I am an only child and I like it. It was perfect for me. Many of my friends are in families with 3 or more siblings and I have never once felt envious of them. Being an only child can be hard, sure, but so can being a sibling. The number of siblings I know who wind up being the only member of the family dealing with elderly parents is, well, pretty much all of them.

It's OK to be/have/advocate for one child. It's OK to be have/advocate for siblings. I find that by and large people only advocate for the latter. So I speak for the former, because I believe in it.

I love the title of your post. As for the question of the second kid, that decision was pretty much made for us 27 weeks ago. We wanted a second, but to be honest, I was not ready. With a capital NOT. We both agreed that we wanted another kid at some unspecified future date - future being the key word. After much freaking out, I have come to terms with the timing and am completely excited about how our family will change come October. But I do dwell on the effects a sibling will have on my one-and-only. On the one hand, I think having a sibling is invaluable experience, for better or worse. There are lessons there in family and love and sharing and compromise, in patience and disappointment and jealousy and all the other crazy experiences that come with sharing DNA. But I also worry about the effects of splitting my time (and love?) between two kids. Is it too soon? Will she be upset? I think once we become parents, we can't help but consider how any new experience will affect our kids, especially the addition of a new one. Surely *you* should want a second child, but now I think your wanting is inextricably linked with what you want for your first child. Good luck with those big decisions!

Great topic and a tough one, I have to say that I never really felt the great overwhelming urge to have babies so it suprised me that I felt the desire to have a second at all after Amy was born! We waited for nearly two years before trying for a second but there was never any doubt in either of our minds that we would have more than one child, or at least try to. We both came at it from different angles, my husband and his sister have never got along whereas I adore my sister now in adulthood. For me I definitely wanted a sibling for Amy, for AMY'S sake more than mine. We live a long way from my family, only have one sibling each both of whom are not likely to have children themselves which could leave Amy as the only child to take care of all of us adults later in life. What Krissa said is so true, no matter whether you like your siblings or not, they are family and are there for you when the times get really tough. Now strangely enough we are talking about having a third because I just don't feel like our family is complete. I dream of a huge dining table with my children and their husbands and their own children sitting around it! Strange how my dreams have changed so much!

I really want to comment on this, but am in such a newborn foggy haze that I can't string more than 5 words together.

(The gist: Doing the newborn thing with another child is hard, yo. BUT seeing a new tender side of Wito with his sister has already made it so worth it. Did you see the video on Flickr? I mean, COME ON. Also, I am loving the 4-year age difference in terms of Wito being independent enough to do things on his own as well as help me out when needed.)

(Siblings rule!)

I was 100% sure I wanted one kid. My single mother had two kids and a job and basically loves to do chores, and I felt pretty ignored, so I wanted my kid to be worshipped and spoiled by both parents and given everything that money could buy. But I had twins. Now we don't have much money, and for about the first 6 months of their lives, I was always worried that they weren't getting enough attention or being held enough since there were two of them. I'm so glad I got to meet both of them, and they seem to really love each other (so far, anyway). But now that I've gone through the process, I'm pretty sure that if I had had one, I wouldn't have had another. For one thing, starting all over with the bottles and the crawling sounds exhausting, and for another, it seems like having a second would be saying that the first one wasn't good enough.

If you don't think it sounds exhausting, you're tougher than I am. :)

Oh, just have another. You and Simon seem like thoughtful citizens of the world (as an above poster so perfectly put it).

I don't have any kids yet, but I am a hybrid only child/sibling. I was raised in southern cal by my mom and dad, but my dad had two sons from his previous marriage. The boys were raised in NY by their mom. I felt like an only child primarily because I am my mom's only child. One of my half brothers died unexpectedly in his early 20's, and I still find myself grieving that relationship, even 17 years later. I think siblings are something to be cherished.

Now that my kids are 3 and 1 years old, they're starting to play together (and yes, fight). They hold hands in the car and feed each other, and that's what I wanted for them, companionship.

But I'm not sure I can honestly separate what I wanted for them versus what I would have wanted for myself. I was an only child, and I was lonely. My mother had several miscarriages after I was born, and then my parents got divorced. But I really wanted a sibling, even as a young kid. My husband has 5 younger sisters, and now that they're all grown it's really awesome being part of a large family. It truly is what I missed growing up.

We're planning to have another kid, or maybe even two or three. But right now I need a break, since I've been continuously pregnant or nursing for 3 years (sometimes both!) and, dude. NEED A BREAK.

My mum always says that you want to give your baby everything it needs, and that when your precious baby gets to age about 2 you realise the one thing it needs is a sibling!
My brother and I fought like cats and dogs althrough our younger years, but we get on very well now. I think having someone who shares your early years, remembers that time you ate rabbit poo and can take the piss out of your parents with you is an incredibly valuable thing.

When the husband and I started talking about having number 2, there were brief mentions of "doing it so #1 can have a sibling". But (and this is only my opinion), the best reason to have another child, be it #2 or #7, is because you just don't feel like your family is complete and you want to add another special someone to it. Anything can happen with siblings...I am the oldest of five and am really only close with one of my sisters. My kids may grow up and not get along. But! I will never regret having my second child, because I did so purely for the joy of having him in our lives. Whatever their relationship is in the future when they are adults, I know that we welcomed him into our family sheerly for the fact that he is himself, and we love him.

Oh, I go back and forth on this ALL the time. On the one hand, Sadie is SUCH an easy baby. Happy, healthy, a champion sleeper & eater. There's NO WAY we'd ever get that lucky again. But that tiny newborn phase (which I actually love) goes so FAST! And I'm a little sad when I think we'll never get to do that again (with the exception of the detestable BREAST PUMP). And what if Sadie's lonely as an only child? But what if we have another and they can't stand each other? But aren't all worthwhile things in life also MONUMENTAL risks? AAAAAAH!!

I think my answer right now is that I'm not ready to make this decision. I have a sneaking suspicion that in a year or so, I'll feel more strongly one way or another.

I was completely sure i only wanted one.. until i had one. now that she's a toddler i find myself wanting another. but my hubby is looking at the finances and saying okay but.. i don't think this is feasible. and realistically it's a terrible time to thing about it. his job is uncertain and i would need to quit mine.. but..i can't stop thinking about it.

Well, I am of a certain age (41) and our first child came to us 8 yrs ago via adoption. We tried to adopt another little girl when Emi was 4 and we had her for 5 weeks when the birth mom decided to take her back (long story) so while I was heartbroken, Emi said that she was happy that McCartney was gone because she wanted her mom and dad back (painfully honest still at that age). Fast forward 4 more years and as of 3 mos ago we have added a little bro (almost 3) and sis (almost 2) courtesy of all of Emi's prayers for siblings (she brought this on herself) via adoption. We weren't trying or even looking but we were instantly smitten with the kids when we met them. Some days she's in love with her brother and sister and other days she longs for the day when she had it all to herself. Grass is greener? I would say that most of my thoughts towards increasing the family size have centered around Emi and what her home life would be like without any siblings. I have 2 bros and 2 sisters but that did not make me want 5 kids (opposite in fact)! More kids = more work and less money, but also, more LOVE. A few months ago we weren't sure how we could fit another 2 kiddos into our life but we shifted here and there and somehow we fit together as a family. I have had to learn to take (or try to anyway) life one day at a time and treasure these chaotic times because they really are short lived. Good luck in your decision...maybe it will be made for you?!

I am right there with you. My son is just a month younger than Wombat and my husband and I have decided to start going for #2. We've always been sure we wanted two (we both grew up with a sibling), but the timing has been tricky. I'm 34 and I want to get on with things because I'm SO TIRED. I need to get through the tunnel faster. (I love the tunnel analogy, BTW). I had a tough pregnancy and labor, and I am in no way thrilled to be putting myself in that position again. But I'd rather have the kids closer in age (God willing) than farther. I feel like that might help secure the good sibling relationship. My sister and I were three years apart, and it wasn't until we were adults that we became friends. I also feel like the older I get the harder all of this will be--physically and mentally--so let's get the party started.

I am an only child with a single mom and very little family. It is a very lonely existence. I survived, but I've always thought that if I was going to have kids, I *had* to have at least two. Maybe even three or four. What's interesting is that my husband is one of two kids, and says he wants "one or two." Granted, he had a bad relationship with his older sister and they are still not close (though cordial). It just seems like people often think the grass is greener on the other side regarding this topic.

I've known several people who had bad relationships with their siblings and they always seem to be right about four years apart. There seems to be something about that specific gap that I plan to avoid. And I prefer three to two because I feel like it distributes the intensity of the relationship between any two of the siblings. These are just my own little hypotheses; how things play out in reality remains to be seen.

My wee one is five months old and I keep thinking to myself that perhaps a second one would be in our near future. It's hard for me to wrap my head around, though, since sometimes I cannot believe I made the precious child that I have now.

Not only am I an only child but my husband is one too. He is okay with having just the one. I think the newborn stage was really difficult on both of us and I went thru PPD for a short period. I don't know if he feels like he can handle that again. He is also okay with being an only child and thinks it was a great experience. He comes from a big family background, though, that he lived around.

Even though I have no problem with my kid being an only child because that means I'll always have enough time to pay attention to her and love on her. I still feel like maybe I would be taking away from her the experience of having a sibling. I come from a background of a small family and we were a military family always moving. So, at times I did feel alone and think it might have helped to have had a sibling to share the experience with.

I'm getting up there in years and feel this pressure to hurry up and make a decision. I had Olivia this year and I'm 36. I had to finally make the decision to have a kid or not. Kind of like, sh*t or get off the pot. Heh. My hubby and I were married for 16 years before we finally decided on the "maybe" baby and I'm totally shocked at myself in even having the thoughts about having a second kid! Who is this person that I have become? It's amazing what parenthood does to you. :)

Mine are now 15 (son) and 17 (daughter), exactly two years (+ a day) apart. They've always gotten along, and still do. I was a spoiled only child, while my husband never even liked his younger brother. For both of us, our children's relationship is a constant joy. I wouldn't have it any other way. We recently got a second dog, hoping it would work out as well.

I feel strongly that one should only have more children because they want to parent more children. I dont agree with the whole, "wanting to give your 1st a sibling" sentiment. Seems to me is a crappy responsibility to put on either/both kids and it can backfire on you. On the other hand, if you want to mother another child--and clearly you do, then go for it (assuming you get Simon on board)--and Im confident that Wombat will love/come to love his sib. I think sibling relationships become strained when the parents are taxed/marriage is strained during childhood. Im a mother of two boys (2 yrs and 4 months to the day apart) and planning on trying for number 3 (knock on wood) early next year.

For what it's worth I found going from 1 to 2 easier than from 0 to 1.... (and WAY easier than going from 2 to 3 so I'll be on Simon's side at that stage - although now 3 is fine.)

It was HARD at first though. But 2 was easier than I feared it would be.

I guess it's a no-brainer from my standpoint, but (as usual) not everyone will agree.

The vast majority of only children I know, whether young or adult, are self-centered pricks. Most of the rest would have been self-centered pricks except that a) they had lots of friends / cousins / etc to take the place of siblings, and/or b) they have made a conscious effort to not be self-centered pricks.

I'm generally in favor of having at least two. Not only does it help show the older that he/she is not the center of the universe, it helps your parenting because (usually) the two are different and you learn more as they grow up.

If you stick with one, it's not necessarily a disaster, but I'd expend extra effort on teaching the only that there are other people in the world.

Not at all the same thing, but we got a second dog more for our first dog than for us. It gave them each someone to have when they didn't have our attention.

That being said, I can't imagine only having one child (although maybe I should wait and see how delivering the first goes next month). I watched an only child friend of mine when his mom passed away and it was tough to shoulder that burden on his own. I imagine it will be even tougher when his dad is gone too. I like having siblings who share my memories and sometimes my burdens.

You knew I would have to comment on this :-)

As an only child I always knew I wanted to have more than one child myself, which I obviously ended up doing. I hate to make sweeping judgments and so can only tell you my experience as an only child was kind of lonely. But it is even moreso now as an adult. I miss not having someone who shares my history. Some one who can remember with me. The only stories of my childhood are the ones I carry. There is nothing from another perspective.

Even my friends who are not best friends with their siblings, still are thankful they have them now as adults.

Also, I know of no one who regrets having another child. But I know many, many people who regret never having the second, or third, as the case may be.

We chose the "shorter and darker" version of child spacing, with ours two years apart. I knew I wanted a second child as soon as my first son was born, it was actually one of the first things I thought as I held him, so I was ready to start trying when he was around nine months.

My second pregnancy was really hard and, while the intensity of feeling wasn't as strong as with my first, I knew I was done after my second was born. Sometimes I get wistful about the idea of a third but I know that I like the idea of three more than I would like the actual day-to-day of it.

Going from 1 to 2 has been so much easier than going from 0 to 1, it's not been a huge change at all. (Except for daycare, and woo boy, does that financial pain hurt. No way getting around it though.)

I have only one and will have only one. If it was possible to order up a child, she is everything that I would have put on my order. I would love to have another but am over 35 and so is my husband. And I had atrial flutters while pregnant, so it would be scary to go through that again. It is hard for me not to feel bad that I won't be giving my daughter a sibling, and don't want her to be spoiled rotten. (a little spoiled is ok, just not the rotten part).

It is hard for me to feel peaceful about only one when all of my friends have more than one. I hate that question "is she your only" The way people say it. I am sure I read too much into it.

I also read alice bradleys blog post about this topic and it was so nice to hear so many positive words about having an only child.

I am an only child... aged 29. And I regret almost on a weekly basis that I have no siblings. My parents both got sick in the past 2 years, and it was incredibly painful realizing that I was all alone in making decisions about them. I have a close extended family - but nothing replaces siblings. Sorry for the downer comment... but for me, it's difficult.

I come from a family that is as broken and messed up as any other (one full sibling and seven half-siblings) and yet, I always knew I wanted at least two kids.

I love, love, LOVE the family dynamic that my family of five has. Yes, having the dudes 20 moths apart was insane, and having Emily two years later was even more nuts, but...

We have SO MUCH FUN. Like, seriously. SO MUCH FUN. My kids are literally the best of friends and all three of them crack me up all day long.

I'm so glad they have each other and I'm so glad I have them.

When my Mom dreamed of having 2 daughters, the image in her mind was best friends for life, camera panning out as big sister leads baby sister by the hand out into the great unknown...

My Sister & I fought like cats & dogs growing up--and it was mostly my fault. When I went off to college I finally started realizing that yes, most was my fault, but also how LUCKY I was to have her. Thus started the (still on-going) process of turning things around & making up for years of torture (she still has battle scars in the form of scars from my fingernails in her arm). I issued a heartfelt & very public apology when I gave my Maid of Honor toast at her wedding last summer.

My life is better because of my Sister. I can't imagine childhood without her, even if we did fight (the hilarious video of her dancing in Paris in Epcot Center that we never sent into Funniest Home Videos made it all worth it. Why yes it WAS shown at her wedding!), she was my built-in partner in crime. College & adult life? Where would I be without my sister? I love her more than I can fully comprehend, and I honestly feel a little bad for people who don't have a sibling, because they are truly missing out!

What's one more, really? :)

I am an only child. My husband is an only child. Nugget will probably be an only child. There was just an article in Time magazine about how the number of only children is rising - they cite economic reasons, but I suspect it has more to do with the fact that people are A) waiting longer to have one and B) exhausting themselves trying to have just one (since so many people need to do infertility treatments, etc.) There is nothing wrong with being an only child, though I'm a little bummed out that it's no longer unique.

From my perspective, as an only who rarely came across any onlies - they tend to be more independent (every only that I know has gone traveling abroad or moved abroad, which, to me, is a PRO for only children. We want Nugget to spend a lot of time abroad, traveling & learning, as both Mr Nikki & I did.)

There's a lot of pressure as the parents get older - being an only, we're alone in dealing with how to handle aging parents (his mother has parkinson's). But you find support in friends, etc.

I, personally, don't want another unless my parents move out here & are closer. We had Nugget completely alone on opposite coasts, had zero help and moved from Santa Monica to Seattle when he was 5 weeks old. It was a pretty dark period - moving with a 5 week old, adjusting to that, and then my husband trying to deal with the stress of acclimating & proving himself at the biggest job he's ever had. I realize it can't POSSIBLY ever be as hard as that was, but it still managed to make me skittish about going at it alone again. And that's just fine with me. I'm madly in love with my (now 8 month old) son and I'm happy to give him all of my love & attention.

I am curious as to what Simon disliked about the newborn stage? I know my husband is pretty ambivalent about it (hence my being pregnant with #3) mostly because I was the one up all night sustaining him with my boobs. My second never even took a bottle of pumped breast milk, so newborn for my huband meant snuggles in the evening until my son cried, then it was my turn. I have a feeling Simon was a bit more involved, so is there anything specific about those first few months that would keep him from anjoying another?

Our daughters were a completely unexpected thing and we went from no kids to two under the age of two in a 14 hour time frame. (we bought them instead of building them and it was an emergency placement) Because we just had to jump right in we got to skip the whole conversation of having just one. Instead we get to have the discussion of do we want to stop with just these two (who are 16 months apart and a hearty handful but also keep each other amused, usually by ganging up on us) or keep rolling all the way to five.

Our initial no kids stance was based on the overpopulation issue along with my general "eh, whatever" attitude towards pregnancy. Then these kids came along and tossed us for a loop and we decided that we LIKED parenting. I want a big family even though I have concerns over what that will mean for the two kids we already have.

My advice is that if Simon doesn't like the newborn stage, adopt. Our girls were 11 months and 2.5 years old when we brought them home. Because they were so young they have no memory of life before they were together or before we were a family. And yet we still got to skip the whole newborn thing. If adopting isn't an option, I still think you should give Wombat a sibling. Life is just better with siblings, even if you don't have the best relationship.

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