The Elephant in the Room
You know that trick where someone says, "Okay, DON'T think of an elephant," and then of course you can't get the damn thing from stomping around in your brain, all "Look at meeeee! I'm an elephant! Whee!"--sometimes with tap shoes and a tiny porkpie hat, a plaid one? Yes, that's pretty much the opposite of what happens when I tell myself, "Okay, sit down and write a thoughtful and touching blog post--a post for the ages!--about the sunrise/sunset/turn, turn, turn of your son turning one, no longer a baby, not yet a man, &c. &c., with extra tissue to soak up all the tears, my god, the tears." See also: why my blog apparently exists in a universe without presidential elections, notable celebrity deaths, and Christmas. I just don't perform well on command.
Speaking of Christmas, since Simon wouldn't allow me to put up decorations until after Wombat's birthday, we now have exactly five and a half days to deck all cat-safe surfaces, gather round the piano and carol ourselves hoarse, and watch all fifteen must-see Christmas movies while carving our five Christmas pumpkins before we leave for the icy tundra of my homeland. (My parents informed us after we'd bought our plane tickets that there isn't exactly..how did they put it?..."heat" in the room we'll be occupying in their new house (while sleeping on their old bedroom set, aka the furniture I was likely conceived on, aka EWWWWWW). It should be awesome!) We've had our exterior Christmas lights up since last year (yes, we're those people, although we prefer to think we're not late in taking them down but extremely early in putting them up), and we haven't even managed to plug the damn things in, such is the disruption that's resulted from the damned (blessed! precious!) December baby.
To clarify, though, when I said that Simon declared a war on Christmas until after Wombat's birthday, he actually caved on the issue before that, but not before I had become a full-on birthday-planning dervish, at which point there was no way in hell I had time to deal with garlands and candy canes and all the holiday finery that the cats like to destroy/eat. (I've heard other people say their cats "eat" their Christmas trees too, ha ha, but I don't think those people fully appreciate that when I say, "Our cats eat the tree," I mean that if it weren't locked behind closed doors, Linus and Eve would eat the tree until it was GONE, lights and ornaments and all. Mind you, although the roughage of a few pine needles might be beneficial to some felines--a year-end kitty colonic, if you will--I'm fairly certain that the consumption of an entire plastic Christmas tree would result in a bout of kitty constipation that no amount of Colace could remedy, and damned if I'm going to administer a kitty enema, much as I love them (the cats, not enemas).)
Anyway, back on Thanksgiving weekend I was all "I wanna put up Xmas decorations wanna sing Xmas carols wanna plug in the lights that we left up all year installed extra early this year!" but Simon--who has historically insisted that no Christmas pass our threshold until December 1--was adamant that we should wait until after Wombat's party, a mandate that is just downright humbuggy if you ask me. (I'm all for making the kid's birthday special, of course, but shortchanging Christmas is not the only way to do that.) (Plus, what about the advent calendars and the 12 Days of Christmas Secret-Santa stalking and the saaales?)
So I pouted and sighed and then Simon came home with a poinsettia on December 1 and gave me his blessing for the decking of the mothereffing halls whenever I wanted, which, sadly, was Thanksgiving weekend, then already but a distant memory and a few extra lumps on my bum. Here's what he didn't understand: People don't just decorate during Thanksgiving weekend because they're crazy Christmasphiles but because they know it's the only chance they'll have to do it because December is INSANE. I'd like to think that lesson is learned now and forever, though, especially since it's December 17 and we've been so busy we still have no tree, no lights, no wreath. I've been forgetting to eat the advent chocolates, that's how bad it is. (Actually, that's how bad the chocolate is, but what did I expect for a dollar?)
So tonight, the plan (band practice pending) is that we'll hang up and plug in what Christmas we can and then do our best to enjoy the hell out of it for the five days before we leave town (during which we'll also be doing all of our Christmas shopping, catching up on freelance work, sewing stockings from scratch, and playing our new Wii, courtesy of Holly Burns and Brand About Town. (Any games you recommend?)
It's going to be a crazy week. Perhaps the first order of business should involve a vat of eggnog, extra nog please, as I assume that's the part that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
p.s. We have a winner in the Aquaphor giveaway! Barbetti! It's you!
That's odd... whenever I hear "Don't think of an elephant" I get the image of a polar bear driving a red pick-up truck stuck in my head.
I am so far behind this year and I don't have the birthday excuse. Seriously if one more person asks if she's had her photo with Santa I might just scream..
Wii Sports is my favourite. We use tennis matches to determine who has to do the least-favourite chores in our house. We're pretty well matched but I've been practising when my husband isn't home. My goal is to never have to take the garbage out ever again.
Trader Joe's advent calendar? We keep forgetting to eat ours too.
Yay! I'm still SO SO excited! Thanks again.
And you're right. I always decorate for Christmas on Thanksgiving evening or Black Friday morning because December is insane. I mean, it's what, December 18th already? And I haven't mailed a single gift yet to our East Coast families (there are 12 gifts to mail ZOMG).
Yes I was ready Thanksgiving weekend as well but we simply didn't have time. And now we have our tree, purchased last Saturday set up in a corner, still bare. No gifts purchased either. I'm blaming it on being 14 weeks pregnant. I'm making a person, you can only ask so much of me!
Lights and ornaments commence tonight!!
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