Get Up, Stand Up
If you follow my Flickrings, you've already seen the latest shocking development.
I don't know how it is that I manage to be photographing him whenever he first learns a new skill (Simon says it's because I'm always photographing him) (Simon might be right), but there it is--Wombat's first pull-to-stand on his own power. Strange days have found us.
***
A few weekends ago while hanging out with an eight-and-a-half-month-old and his parents, I experienced a moment of Mommy Weirdness that I'm now experiencing even more Mommy Weirdness in trying to relate but I'm going ahead with it anyway, despite the weirdness, so forgive me if this sounds, uh, weird.
We were sitting around in a mutual friend's living room, pre-swim, and I put Wombat on the rug to play with some shape blocks. As I watched my 6.5-month-old baby roll effortlessly from his back to his front, immediately pop up on his hands and knees, rock back and forth a dozen times with violent elation, and then push back onto his diapered bottom to sit up, one block in each hand, the better to bash them together, I noticed the other baby just...sitting there. He eventually grabbed his own blocks and growled playfully at Wombat, showing all dozen(!) of his teeth, but that was it. No crawling, no scootching, no rocking, no rolling.
Just then, someone asked how old the older baby was, and maybe it was just me, but I definitely sensed The Awkward filling the room. Non-confrontational, lets-all-be-friends, don't-rock-the-boat type that I am, my instinct in that moment was to scoop up my boy and immobilize him in my lap so no one would accuse me of showing off, of being a competimommy (competitive + mommy? anyone?), of trying to make the other mommy/baby look bad.
The passing of physical milestones during this first year is serious business, and even if you say you don't care or insist you understand that all babies develop differently and on their own "normal" schedules, it's hard not to compare notice the differences, especially when they're so obvious. But what do you do when you're trying your best to be supportive and noncompetitive and p.c. but your baby is all "Look what I can do?!" and then rips a triple backflip off the sofa? (Or just, you know, bangs a couple plastic blocks together and then rips a mighty thunder in his diaper?) Why should I feel like I need to hide my baby's strengths or stifle his personality if he's just being his little awesome self?
Q: How do we let our kids be excellent--and how do we enjoy and share that excellence--without it turning into a competition? There's obviously a good way and a bad way to talk about our children's accomplishments (general rule: don't be a bitch about it), but no matter how you handle it, it's still a touchy subject. (So touchy that I'm touching on it--poke! poke!--over at Work It, Mom, this week too.)
Are we all just too sensitive these days? We're embarrassed to talk about the good stuff--easy pregnancies, trouble-free breastfeeding, babies who sleep through the night, early walkers/talkers/readers--because we don't want anyone else to feel bad in comparison or, worse?, we don't want anyone to think we're bragging. But does that mean there's no place where we can say, "Hey! My kid is awesome! Look what he can do!"? Are mistakes and failures and accidents all we're allowed to share if we want to be accepted in the mothering community?
(This is one of the reasons I'm glad I don't belong to a traditional moms' group, i.e., a pack of women who all had babies at about the same time. Aside from the yearly hassle of suddenly having ten birthday parties to attend in one weekend, what about the constant and inevitable comparisons bound to crop up at every meeting? Has your baby rolled over yet? Does your baby drink from a sippy cup yet? When did your baby start adding two-digit integers because my baby's been doing that for ages. It's bad enough comparing Wombat's progress to the predictions of an outdated parenting book (Your Baby's Development According to 1996: Week 26, The Macarena) and the book has never once rolled its eyes at me or sneered the way a mother might. Mothers are way scarier than books.)
***
When I posted a picture of Wombat rolling over at 12 weeks, that was the real deal. What I didn't bring up (for lack of relevance more than anything else) was that he didn't roll over again until almost three weeks later (at which point I was of course panicking that he was falling behind). Same with this interactive chatting at six weeks. He did it once, on camera, and then not at all for months afterward. Am I guilty of false advertising? Bragging? I say no; intent is everything. Am I guilty of wanting to show the world how great my kid is? You bet. I just wish I didn't have to do it without first feeling like I need to apologize for daring extoll his greatness out loud, in public.
As for this whole business of Wombat pulling himself to standing by grabbing onto whatever's at hand--the coffee table, Daddy's chest hair--I thought this might be another case of him previewing a skill several weeks before he's ready to commit it to his arsenal. Which of course means he would do the very opposite of what I was expecting, just to keep me on my toes. The morning after he first stood up in his crib, I woke up to him in our bed, standing tall on his pajamaed feet, using my hip for balance, and now he's pulling up on everything, all the time, this is surely the end of days.
And what do you know, I've already caught it on video. (Next thing you know he'll be begging me for a pair of skates.)
Oh my gosh, already?!? I can't believe you caught that on tape! Most kids stop doing anything cute or innovative the second the camera starts rolling. With your luck, you'll also catch his first steps!
Eh. Meh. My girls did physical things early and well. But K didn't talk until much later than I expected she would (I'm thinking post partum depression played a role in that... we'll see what H does.) It is awkward at times but I try to be sincere and real and I hope my friends can sense that. I make no apologies for my kid's triple backflip, but I also don't mind people asking if my kid's talking yet. Kids are what they are and I want to love them the way they are. =)
The thing is that as a Mom you are proud of every little moment. I say brag away, we know our kids. They are all different. That's just the way it is.
Elizabeth--I just had a major epiphany. Maybe that other mom didn't care at all that my kid was proto-crawling and hers wasn't. Maybe I was projecting because I think I would feel bad if I were in HER shoes (although I hope I wouldn't because Wombat's perfect as he is). Major epiphany!
Really, just like adults, every kid and baby has something special about them. So my approach is to be sincere in sharing my kids' accomplishments and in discussing my kid with other parents. Of course there are always parents who want to compete, so let those folks brag away and ignore the bait.
You know, it's very possible that she didn't care at all. Physical development in the first year IS so variable. Some kids don't even ROLL OVER until six months, and it's not a big deal at all. Some kids are walking at eight months, while some kids in our playgroup are 15 months and counting, and still haven't officially taken their first big steps. And they're all perfectly great kids.
I have a hard time seeing the first year physical stuff as an accomplishment, and maybe that makes me a bad mom -- I'm proud of her, certainly, and I'm THRILLED that she's developing more or less in the right progression, but that's just it, it's all a progression. Nearly all kids will meet the milestones, just on their own timetable. I'm just here to enjoy the ride and help her to enjoy it too.
I am with Jonniker. While it is hard not to take it personally when one's child does amazing things that first year, the reality is that much of it has little to do with our parenting skillz. In fact, I swear my 2nd child is learning by osmosis because she is doing things that I most certainly did NOT teach her (counting in Spanish, for example. Thanks to Diego.)
I have learned this, though. If a parent is insecure before parenthood, then they most likely will be after. This job will bring a weak person to his/her KNEES. No? Anyway, say that mom had been upset over the gross motor prowess of Wombat? She probably was an insecure type anyway.
I used to hang out with a gal who had to point out every single accomplishment her daughter did. She was a competitive person in general, that was just her nature. Fortunately, I do not hang out with her any longer.
So, I say hang out, watching your little guy do his thing. It becomes a problem when you constantly point out every single movement. All bets are off when you are with family though. Great balls of Fire, if you cannot brag to your family, then to whom can you brag? :-)
YAY for Wombat! I'm terrified of mobile babies. Certainly this is the end of days.
Oh, and I totally understand the desire to hold back your bragging in the presence of others, but please do not hold back on your blog, at least. Bursting with pride about each and every little smile/coo/roll is one of the best parts of this whole thing, am I right? Brag away.
My take is that the milestones of the first year really aren't serious business. Some kids roll over at three months, some six months. Some kids walk at 10 months, some at 15 months. But, eventually, unless there is some underlying problem, ALL KIDS WALK AND ROLL OVER. There is also no connection between things like walking early or talking early and later great success in those areas. So I mainly just ignored the milestones in the first year. If he met them on a timeline that seemed appropriate to his pediatrician then I didn't worry about it. My son was very ahead on his gross and fine motor skills front and a little behind on the verbal front. Still is. Each kid has his/her own strengths and weaknesses and it shouldn't really be cause for great discomfort or great pride. (Ok, that sounds bad, I DO take pride in my son but mostly it is pride in just him being him.)
I know exactly how you feel, because Julius has better language skills than the average feline and can respond to commands in several Indian languages. I really believe it has a lot to do with me being his cat-momma, though. These things are genetic, you know.
Also, a brief shout out to the moms group thing. I was afraid of the same thing, and I have to say, I was pleasantly surprised. I really don't think that many people are as competitive as we fear. Like I said, there are kids of ALL developmental levels and all ages -- there are five kids almost exactly Sam's age, for example, and all the babies are at different places developmentally -- and no one has been anything less but rational and supportive. And no one with a kid "ahead" of the others on anything has been gloaty or weird about it.
I think it takes an exceptionally nasty person to be competitive and crappy about that kind of thing -- I mean, we're talking about our CHILDREN, the things that make us most vulnerable -- and mercifully, I don't think those people are as common as we fear. If they were, I would either ignore them or leave, and I sure wouldn't let them make me feel bad about it.
We were in a parent group like the one you described, where all of the babies were basically the same age, and it was really hard not to compare our baby to everyone else's baby. But every time we found ourselves questioning why this baby wasn't very good at lifting her head up, or why that baby's parents were already introducing him to solids, I had to remind myself that babies, like pregnancy and birth stories, are like snowflakes -- no two are alike. That same baby who would just lay there while ours would roll all over the place already had two teeth at 3 months old. At nearly 7 months, Rowan STILL has no visible sign of chompers. Should we be worried? Nah.
Brag away! I, for one, love to know what Wombat is up to, since he and Rowan are just days apart.
I can't believe that he's pulling up to stand. Wasn't he just born???
As for the competitive thing, I tried to stay out of it but some Moms see it that way. Graham NEVER crawled. Then, at one, he pulled up and started walking.
The epiphany you described in the comments is exactly right. I've now experienced both sides of the fence on this one (my daughter was very late with physical things, my son very early), and when I saw babies do things my late-crawling, late-walking girl couldn't do, it didn't bother me. In typical new-mom blindness, all I could see was the wonderful things about her. (Also, I found out later my sister-in-law was envious that we could just sit on the couch and read while she played at our feet.) Now, with my early gross motor skills boy, I'm mainly just EXHAUSTED keeping up with him. When I see a baby his age not doing the same things, I think, "They'll get it eventually." And, "Wow, they get to sit. In a CHAIR."
In addition to being calm and rational and secure (and pretty!), how is it that you all got to be so WISE too? You're right. All of you are right. I'm especially loving the comments about how most people out there AREN'T judgmental and nasty (and the people who are will most likely be that way not just about children but about everything, and who needs that kind of friend?).
I also had another (minor) epiphany: The more I think about it, the more I think the tension I felt in front of that other mother actually had to do with being afraid she wouldn't want to be friends with us. It wasn't really about babies at all.)
One other thing I wanted to add: Although first-year milestones aren't necessarily predictors of later accomplishments and therefore something we should be consumed with, I still think they're a pretty big deal because, let's face it, babies don't do a whole lot of ACTUAL accomplishing, so sometimes all we have are the milestones.
That is a tow-headed bebe right there! Wow! You have some powerful blonde genes.
You should be very proud of his mega-skillz.
I'm in agreement with your wise commenters, especially Miss Jonniker. I'm in a PEPS group with a pretty wide spread of ages, and it's been entertaining to see all of the kidlets figure out the world in their own ways and own their own schedule. While there has been comparing of when and how certain things have been accomplished, it's been all positive. I haven't noticed any of the judgemental sort of competition. So I guess I'd encourage you to give a playgroup a try, especially if there's a good spread of ages. All the birthday parties are pretty fun, too. Cake!
Mobility isn't so bad, really. They're fun to chase around and they get TIRED, which equals SLEEP. Courage!
This may be why I am popular with my mom-friends, they can brag all day long and I just nod and agree as I have no children to compare/contrast!
Maybe the other Mom was all, "whoa that kid is so hyperactive he needs some baby ritalin!" ;-)
The video made me smile. I can not believe that he is already standing.
(Just FYI, I'm using the general "you" in this comment, not referring to you (Leah) personally.)
I hope I don't get swept up in the milestone madness when I have kids, i.e. feeling jealous or guilty or panicked all the time. It seems like it robs people of the enjoyment of watching their kid grow up. For example, say you feel your baby is late to start crawling. When he DOES start, instead of thinking "WOW!" you're just thinking "FINALLY, now on to the next thing! We have to catch up!"
I'm sure it's difficult to refrain from comparing your baby to others, because it's only natural. But unless something is really, obviously wrong... who cares whether they do it at 6 months or at 8 months? There's no prize involved. It's kind of a bummer. Just enjoy these days!
I found that the first year milestones were a VERY BIG DEAL to me with Riley, and about 100% less so with Dylan. My advice is to be proud of everything, and worry about almost nothing, because all kids pretty much end up in the same place eventually, no matter how early/late they did [whatever].
You know what else I was thinking? The other mom could have been afraid that YOU were jealous of HER, because she hasn't yet lost the sweet, sweet freedom of an immobile, unable-to-hurt-himself baby. I wouldn't sweat it at all. :)
I'm well into this parenting thing and I can tell you one thing I've learned: while most parents aren't competitive with milestones, some are. In a very serious way. And it doesn't stop when they get out of babyhood. It just goes to another level.
Now. That said, you'll just naturally gravitate toward the parents who aren't constantly comparing their children against every other child they see. You'll find (and I'm sure you already have found) parents who think all kids, all of them, are just peachy.
I don't think anyone really cares ... do they? My kids were ahead in some things, behind in others. Everyone learns to do the same things eventually ... I don't think anyone really cares.
And this comes from an incredibly competitive, 4.0 in college individual. : )
LDXG48
awww, what a great stander! And I love his stripey footie jammies...
Sometimes I can't help but be gushy about my daughter (see, SEE, how awesome!?!), but I have learned to wary around other mommies. Frankly, they scare me. So judgey and competitive and, whoah, so opinionated. Makes me nervous, like I might say the wrong thing... I was once told that I'm having too much fun as a parent and that I should tone it down a bit. boo.
I agree with the comments that all kids achieve the milestones eventually and most moms are sane enough to not compare or get jealous, etc. What I want to add is your comment about being able to talk about how awesome and great your kid is because of achieving x milestone. I think the distinction we need to realize is that you don't think he's so awesome because he pulled himself up at 6 months. You think he's awesome because he's your kid. Unless there is an issue, every kid learns to sit, stand, crawl. Its not really that special just developing normal skills, but because we are moms and it is happening to our kids, of course it makes it awesome. Does that make sense?
What I've learned as a mom is that nothing about your kid will ever be as exciting to anybody else as it is to you. Which is good, because it means I don't get competitive or jealous and compare my daughter to other kids and I still think that no matter what she does, she's the smartest, cutest, funniest little girl in the world.
So go ahead and brag, most people won't take it personally, everyone knows what moms are like when it comes to their own kids.
I personally am jealous and threatened by your photography skills. I turn on the camera and all demonstrations of skills stop. (Though that may have something to do with our dog hating the camera. Most photos are of baby looking at crazy dog.)
I totally agree with Nzojolla.
I'm not embarrassed to admit that my daughter is at the long end of the "average" curve on nearly everything. I will, however, refrain from bringing this up in conversation because of the aforementioned competimommies and their collective "Ohhhhhh. Well little Mary Poppins did it at 2 hours old but don't worry, she'll do it eventually." Because dammit woman, I KNOW she'll do it eventually and by the way, did I mention your kid is a freakin' ugly little weirdo that I know in fact DID NOT do it at 2 hours old because she's sitting over there in the corner rolling around stuck and should be able to unstick herself if that's the case. Have you seen my kid? THE SUPER AMAZING WAY MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN YOUR KID, kid? She's awesome, and she's just taking her time. Um, all that to say, Wombat is super cool and I'm so excited for you! (And your non-competitiveness. Let that kid shine!)