Nuggets
Yesterday I spent three hours in a doctor's office, most of that horizontal and sideways on the exam table with medicated drops in my ear. I was there to investigate a four-day-old earache, but apparently there was so much wax in my ear canal the doctor couldn't even see all the way inside to confirm an infection, and so instead he laid me down, put wax-dissolving drops in my ear, and left me there for an hour. (Apparently my hygeine is worse than even I knew.)
But at least I wasn't alone! Can you imagine how awful it would have been to be stuck baby-free in a quiet room full of magazines all afternoon? Horrors! But THANK GOD Wombat was with me. I sure enjoyed the challenge of entertaining him while horizontal! We talked, I sang, he cried, we nursed, he barfed all over the hateful crinkly exam table paper, and I cleaned it up with the only thing I could reach, which was my pink scarf. It was great! Even better was when the doctor looked in my ear a final time and then just sort of shrugged before sending me on my way with an appointment for the next day to see if it would maybe be better then. (This is why I hate going to the doctor. They always just shrug and send me on my way. Imposters!)
Now, I know that sounds like a tremendous amount of fun, but the best part of the day was yet to come, in the form of two young dazed and confused Berkeley hippies, who accosted me in the grocery store parking lot to tell me they "liked" me. After saying "What? WHAT?!" several times because, oh yeah, I CAN'T HEAR, I at last delivered the first timely comeback of my entire life: "If you think I'm cute, you should see my baby," whom I then hauled out of the car and into a shopping cart to the sound of two young dazed and confused hippies sputtering away as fast as their hemp pants would take them.
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Speaking of going to the doctor's office, I don't even know why I feel compelled to share this, but last week while I was in Hour Three of my "Just Five More Minutes" on the Internet, the t.v. was on in the background and I overheard Jay Leno jackassing about how some woman had her kidney removed through her vagina. I looked it up and it's true.
America may have been shocked, but I wasn't. When I was last at the gyn's office, for my post-natal appointment, I was allowed to feed the kid privately in the staff breakroom, which was equipped with a big comfy chair and walls lined with shelves lined with gynecological medical books full of instructions and diagrams for procedures like "How To Remove a Kidney Through a Vagina." Diagrams, people. In the lunchroom.
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A few nights ago I was moonwalking* around the house with a screaming baby when I chanced to see a raccoon of the big-assed variety on our back porch. "CUUUUTE," I screeched to Simon, who got a flashlight and stood at the door until the raccoon retreated down the steps, at which point he (Simon) went outside to spotlight the critter's further activities, which included dragging Simon's coat (the one he had left slung over a chair two weekends ago) across the deck and into the pond. The coat had already been rained on for a week and was a $3 special from Goodwill, but still...the raccoon dragged it into the pond! And then washed his hands! CUUUUTE!
*It's not Michael Jackson moonwalking but Neil Armstrong moonwalking, wherein we jog in slow motion around the house until either the baby goes to sleep or our calf muscles ignite and burn to a crisp.
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A few days ago I caught Simon singing an original song to Wombat about selling babies on Craigslist. I'm not telling you this because I was alarmed but because I wanted to give you a heads-up in case you're interested.
I'll buy him. What's your return policy?
I'll only buy if he comes with a money-back guarantee. We don't want no stinkin' defective babies!
(Hope your ear gets better. One time I went over a month unable to hear out of one ear. Sucked.)
Wombat and Elaine need to hook up and wail to each other about the miseries of being owned by their respective parents. And while they're doing that us parents could go somewhere and do something totally grown-up like sleep.
Also having to remain horizontal while entertaining a baby for an HOUR sounds pretty horrible. My sympathies.
hahahha.... oh, babies. sounds like you're having a blast over there ;)
y'know, there's a very large probability that the entire reason your ear was hurting was because of the wax, not because of an infection. wax can get pretty painful, i speak from experience.
ear hygiene is a tough one, doctors always say not to use q-tips, only a washcloth around the outside, even adults. i use ear candles once a year. they're pretty great and really easy to use. (and you will be amazed at what comes out...)
removing a kidney through a vagina? really? can't wrap my head around that.
i second the ear candling. it's one of those things, like the neti pot, that sounds disgusting, but is really a folk medicine miracle. i am completely hooked on both and i HIGHLY recommend.
Does Wombat like bouncing on one of those big yoga ball thingies? I spent SO much time one of of those (still put my munchkin to sleep that way), I really should have better abs.
I manage an ENT office (a reputable one - even though this sounds crazy) so speak from experience that yes wax can be very painful (so can ear infections). We sometimes recommend liquid stool softener (colace) to soften the wax. Honestly. People always call back and say "Is this really what they wanted to me get?" It is. The patient can use this for a week or two and then come back and the wax is easy peasy to remove! Also, you don't have to lay horizontal and entertain your baby for an hour in an exam room. That sounds difficult! Just for future reference! (Also some people make lots of wax - not your hygiene - just lots of wax. ;)
ohmigod. my josh had the same ear wax problem. the doctor used a SPOON to get it out. a flipping spoon!
I love your raccoon story. When I was 12-ish I was home alone and a raccoon was crittering around on our deck. Being the generous host that I was, I threw salami out to him and his friends. Um, my mom was none-too-pleased as those raccoons never left and have been living under her porch for the past 15 years (well, many generations of them anyway). They have caused a lot of crazy damage to her backyard and she's spent a crap ton of money trying to get rid of them. Whoops! But they were so CUUUUUUUUUTE!!!
Those ear things are the worst! A few months ago, when I had trouble with my ear, my ENT used this vaccuum thing when the drops didn't work, to get a bunch of dead skin out of there.
Ew. Ouch and ew.
Hehe. Fabulous post. Love the moon-walking, sounds like a great workout. Also, Wombat is totally on my baby-picture-board. Thank you.