Confessional
I'm not a team player. I never have been and I suspect I never will be. I always hated group projects in school (because guess who always did all the work?), I tend to avoid extraneous meetings at the office (because more cooks in the kitchen only mean longer/louder/more meetings), and my experience of life in general has overwhelmingly supported the notion that I'm more likely to achieve a desired outcome quicker, better, and more easily if I'm allowed to just take care of things myself. Confident, competent, and independent? Or major control freak? Probably a little of both.
At the heart of the matter is that I hate being told what to do, but even more than that, I hate being told what to do when it implies I'm incapable of doing something by myself. I'm a smart girl and, although an admitted novice at a million and one things, I'm a fast learner when I put my mind to something, and I generally enjoy proving myself (even if only to myself) when a challenge is set before me. I of course understand the value of asking for and accepting guidance when necessary, but even when I'm untried or unpracticed at a particular task and mistakes are inevitable if I'm allowed to proceed on my own terms, I'd still rather do things my way, make my own mistakes, and come out the other end knowing I alone am responsible for whatever the outcome may be. I don't like excuses, blame, or passing the buck, and the easiest way to avoid all three is to play my own game by my own rules. I'm actually pretty good at asking for help when I really feel I need it; I just usually don't feel I need it, and besides, there's always Google to turn to when I'm really lost! (I'm only kind of kidding about that.)
(There's also the not-so-small matter of my being fussy about stupid things like how the towels are folded and how the bowls are stacked in the cabinet, etc., and although I'll admit that that's not my most charming trait, I nevertheless have my reasons (order! consistency!) and would rather just do everything myself if it means I don't have to (a) re-do everything myself later anyway, (b) supervise while someone else does everything my way, or (c) deal with everything done "wrong." Like I said, not charming, but there you go.)
I bring this up now because with the impending arrival of Wombat comes the impending arrival of family, all of whom have more experience with babies than Simon and I combined, and most of whom just love to "help," even when I insist that their help isn't really helping because they're doing everything WRONG, and I can DO IT MYSELF, and it's MY dishes/house/baby, and I'm not an IDIOT, for crying out loud. (Not an idiot, but maybe just a wee bit immature, ya think? Remember the drama when my mom tried to do my dishes shortly after I moved out of my parents' house? It's like that.)
I've been referring to our families' collective visit (they're coming at different times, about a week apart) as "the descent upon our household," and in my brain the phrase always echoes with the magnitude of some grand figure standing on a mountaintop announcing the apocalypse. I love our families--LOVE them, and even LIKE them, all of them--and I'm really, honestly looking forward to seeing everyone and introducing them to our son, but--confession!--I'm also terrified that, in those first few weeks of fumbling, insecure, sleep-deprived new-parenthood, my delicate ego will often wrongly and rudely interpret their "help" as interference.
Look, I know Simon and I don't really have a clue what we're doing, and I appreciate that there are things I can learn from those who have gone before us, and obviously people are going to want a chance to hold and cuddle and kiss the boy before they return to their respective corners of the globe, but...I want to give my baby his first bath. I want to soothe him when he cries. I want to figure out the best way to change his diaper, and get a shirt over his head without pissing him off, and keep his arms and legs comfortably swaddled during a nap.* I've been waiting to have a baby for an awfully long time, and I don't want to have to compete for him. Mostly, I don't want someone standing over my shoulder telling me how to do everything.
Perfectionist that I am in some areas of my life, I want Simon and I to be allowed to make our own way, our own rules, and our own mistakes (so long as they don't endanger the baby, of course) as we figure out our new family. That doesn't mean the wisdom of our existing families is going to be thrown out the window, or that I want everyone to just observe us from a safe distance behind sound-proof glass as we screw up again and again, with only ourselves and Google to blame. I'm not really looking for a solution to this problem (why don't I just get over it? easier said than done); I guess I just really want to confess that one of the things I'm most afraid of about bringing a new baby into the world is its turning me into a totally insensitive and inflexible mommymonster, especially toward the people I love most, the people who will be my greatest assets and allies. I don't fear the self-doubt and guilt of doing things wrong as a first-timer; I fear the judgement and tsk-tsking of those who will witness it.
So, the baby's not even here yet, and already I'm dreading the transfer of my "the towels have to be folded THIS way or else we'll all diiiiie" attitude to everything about how my son will be raised, from how his socks are folded and stacked in his bureau to what kind of music he listens to while feeding. I hate that I feel this way--especially pre-emptively!--but I figure the best way to deal with it is to admit my problem out loud and in a forum that might also serve as a warning for those about to "descend." Lord knows that all babies come packaged with a one-way ticket to UnsolicitedAdviceland, and the best thing I can do is pack well for the trip and try to enjoy myself come what may; we'll all be happier if I can sooner rather than later learn to get over feeling like every suggestion is a challenge, or an insult, to my parenting skills--particularly when coming from people who would never intend that. I mean, if I can't take advice from my own mother, how do I expect to raise a child in front of a live Internet audience?!
So...I can't believe I'm asking this, but do you have any advice about dealing with advice? Please make sure your comments are spell-checked, correctly folded formatted, and not composed under the assumption that I'm an IDIOT. Or else WE'LL ALL DIIIIIIIE! ;)
*I imagine the novelty of some of these things will eventually wear off. Maybe several days of changing diapers will do the trick and I'll be more than happy to let anyone who wants to take a crack at it have their chance as often as possible. Heavens knows I'm much less sensitive about dishwashing than when I was twenty-two and considered doing my own housework as a symbol of successful adulthood. I can't imagine I'll cling to diaper changes as the best way to prove myself a competent parent. That would be insane.
I've heard that people change a great deal when the baby arrives. Don't worry about it and go with the flow. When the baby is squaking and you've done everything you know to sooth said child, you will be glad that someone is there to give you a pointer, take a try at it or just give you a break.
My sister, who is rather, ahem, CLEAR about how she likes things done/folded/stacked/etc recently had a baby and I know she struggled with this a fair amount. I know that she often repeated to herself "this baby doesn't belong to me, it belongs to everyone" which is a sort of vague, hoobie-scoob sounding mantra, but one she came to believe. She really does believe that Clara (my most adorable niece) is a part of their family, but belongs to everyone---and it's really helped shift her freakout-ness on how people treat Clara. My sister is still very particular about how she and Clara interact, but has chilled considerably about how everyone else is with the baby.
It's sort of hippie talk, but helpful hippie talk at least.
Here's my assvice, coming from someone who hasn't had kids and hasn't been around a new baby since age 7:
Decide ahead of time (before Wombat gets here, before the relatives descend) what things you want absolute control over and what things you're willing to let someone else do for the sake of your sanity. Your families are Going to Want to Help so if you have a list of stuff you know might be helpful ahead of time (dishwashing, laundry, clothes folding, food preparation, grocery shopping, etc.) that will be necessary when he's there and they are there but not directly related to his immediate care, you can refer them to that rather than have to think of tasks when you're healing and sleep-deprived. I know it sounds tough, especially since I know you, but resolve now that you CAN'T do it all yourself and your families love you and want to help, so you'll deal with towels folded differently or bowls stacked wrong because that will free you up to attend to Wombat without worrying about all the peripheral stuff. I doubt you'll notice in those first few weeks that household stuff is done Someone Else's Way; as long as it's done and taken care of for you, you'll be free to chew on his feet or gaze into his eyes. Worry about doing stuff Your Way after the helpful relatives go home. And definitely make it clear that stuff directly involving Wombat should get run by you before it's done (diaper changes, baths, etc.)
Already such good advice about advice!
Val--I hope you're right! Sometimes my worst enemy is me worrying about things before they've actually happened.
Leenie--God, even thinking "this baby belongs to everyone" skeeves me right the heck out, but it's something I'm willing to try. Maybe everyone else can meet me in the middle by repeating the mantra "This baby belongs to Leah and Simon" and that way everyone will feel generous and loving and in a state of pure hippy bliss? Maybe?
Emily--Yes, yes, yes. I've definitely thought about making a list of "things people can do to help" and "things people are not allowed to do so help me god," but I'm nervous that even that won't turn out so well. Our families are here to "help," sure, but I seriously doubt that they'd be content to stick to cooking and housecleaning when they're also chomping at the bit to get their hands on this baby. Best-case scenario is that Wombat arrives several days before the first family member does, allowing Simon and I to have a few days of alone time, which will surely plunge us into a state of "oh god, someone rescue us" desperation, thereby allowing parents and siblings to swoop in and be the heros they are.
Well, of course you're going to have to let them hold him since he's the reason they're coming! And he's your (and Simon's) baby, so if relatives ask "What can I do to help?", having a list of stuff ready ahead of time makes it easy. They can't really complain that they meant "What can I do to assist in the direct care of Wombat?" if you have other stuff for them to do. He's not THEIR baby, he's YOURS. (He also belongs to them, but not nearly as immediately as he does to the two of you).
I'll keep my fingers crossed that he arrives before the families do, but even if he doesn't, maybe make a deal with everyone ahead of time that there are certain things that Only You (and/or Simon) get to do first before other people get to do them. It might also help to think of ways to involve them, like asking your parents/Simon's mom about the early days of your respective babyhoods, or letting someone choose the next outfit after he pooped up the last one. And someone needs to be put in charge of making sure the cats get fed and attended to, right?
Oh Leah. I can relate so well. I am a control FREAK. FREAK, I tell you. In many ways parenting has helped me learn to relax about a LOT of things (why so many caps? no idea.) and I now am able to realize that it's grown me in so many ways I had no idea I could grow. But you only see that looking back, not living in it. And I'm only almost 2 years in with many MANY to go.
I must say "the baby belongs to everyone" thing would not work for me at all. I'm glad it was helpful for someone but what about when "everyone" (to whom the baby belongs) has 18 different solutions for a problem the baby is currently in the middle of? Then who decides what to do? You and Simon do. Because the baby belongs to you.
As for dealing with advice I try as hard as I can to be pleasant and try to engage the person into talking about how/why it worked for them. (They feel heard and validated and listened to, etc.) Nodding and smiling without ever agreeing that it's right for me. And then I affirm them by saying something like, "Wow that's really great - I'm so glad it worked so well for you, but in our situation I've found that *insert what you plan to do or have done* works best." Or if you don't know yet then just say something like, "I don't see that working out for us."
Bottom line: YOU are the expert on YOUR child. Always. No one else has to live with the results of their advice carried out on your child. Only you do and that means you're in the best position to make decisions for your kid. Of course none of us are perfect and we will make mistakes (which may elicit some "I told you so"s but oh well.)
It's a tricky thing, baby advice, because I know I would take advice from my mother much differently than advice from Google or advice from the kids pediatrician or advice from some mom I see once a week on a play date.
On another note, there have been times in K's development that I'm begging for advice - something/ANYTHING, hoping that someone will have a solution that I haven't tried yet and that will work.
Parenting is such a vulnerable process (sleep deprivation does NOTHING to help this!) and I have every confidence that you and Simon will emerge beautifully as loving and confident parents.
And in conclusion to this essay, I would like to say...
Holy CRAP!!! Wombat's almost here!!!
I went through this after my oldest was born, but didn't actually have family staying with me. I was going to say what Emily said -- delegate other tasks to the family. But also, depending on Wombat's temperament, you might just be so relieved to have someone else "please just take him."
In my experience, most people are pretty considerate about those first delicate days after the birth, but then again, I don't know your family! You and the baby (and Simon) will need plenty of rest, so even if your baby doesn't arrive before the family, I think you have license to hibernate a little, and let the family busy themselves with the list of things to do.
And if all else fails, when they're offering their direct advice, just give a polite (as polite as post-partum can get), "I'm going to try this first." And try not to shoot arrows out of your eyes like I did. (I wish I was a little more patient and level-headed in those days.)
Hi Leah! I felt the same way. In fact, my husband and I didn't even want family to come stay with us or visit the first week. After M arrived my tune changed pretty darn quick. It was so nice to have my mom there. It will get stressful, don't think it won't, but it's manageable. And trust me, my mom is controlling and thinks she knows everything about everything, and in some cases does, but for the most part she knew when to push me and when to back off.
Like some of the others have said, smile and nod, be polite the best you can, and communicate with Simon. He is going to have to be your voice when you are too tired, weepy, or otherwise engaged with the wee wombat.
Good luck, and try not to stress too much about all of the unknowns. You'll drive yourself crazy and miss out on all the great stuff going on around you!
Hi Leah! I felt the same way. In fact, my husband and I didn't even want family to come stay with us or visit the first week. After M arrived my tune changed pretty darn quick. It was so nice to have my mom there. It will get stressful, don't think it won't, but it's manageable. And trust me, my mom is controlling and thinks she knows everything about everything, and in some cases does, but for the most part she knew when to push me and when to back off.
Like some of the others have said, smile and nod, be polite the best you can, and communicate with Simon. He is going to have to be your voice when you are too tired, weepy, or otherwise engaged with the wee wombat.
Good luck, and try not to stress too much about all of the unknowns. You'll drive yourself crazy and miss out on all the great stuff going on around you!
(Raises hand to concur.)
And we solved it by putting family in charge of housework. Meal time, meal clean up, laundry (of which there will be oodles) and vacuuming all fell to the visiting family.
The baby was awake so little, there were some "turf wars" between us and the fam. Plus, i was more obsessed with my nipples than any other time in my life.
(Not okay to be nipple-obsessed in front of my obviously uncomfortable stepdad.)
Like some commenters said before, a list ahead of time will head off lotsa issues.
Yes you change, but less than you think.
So, this is only related to advice on advice, because I don't have kids yet, but I happen to be a) a control freak and b) bad at politely rebuffing advice, so I thought I'd share what I've learned so far.
1. Make your expectations known BEFORE anyone arrives (including Wombat). Call them up, even, and tell them all that stuff you told us. That you are already feeling a little territorial, that you are a control freak, whatever. I mean, they are your family, right? They probably know this about you already anyway, but just say it right out to them.
2. Practice saying in front of a mirror: "Thanks so much for that hint/ advice/ assvice! We'll take that into consideration." It's polite, but also implies that you aren't necessarily just going to say, "You are BRILLIANT. Thank you so much for that PEARL of WISDOM."
3. Just be honest. If you are exhausted and cranky and you just want to hold your damn baby, tell everyone you are exhausted and cranky and just want to hold your damn baby, please.
4. Maybe have a rule, like: When Leah is in X room with (or without!) the baby and with the door shut, it means she does not want to be bothered under any circumstances, unless the house is literally on fire. Stick to it. Do not let anyone in. Even if you don't mind at that precise moment.
5. Remember: you can put the bowls back to normal when they all leave. Make them all cook for you so you don't have to look at them being put away funny in the first place.
Well of COURSE they're going to drive you crazy. That's your family's job. But rest assured, it can't possibly be as bad as you're making it out in your imagination. You're going to want everyone in the world to love Wombat as much as you do, and BEHOLD, here are the people that really will. And you're actually going to appreciate their help just as much as it sort of bugs you. And as soon as they're gone, and there's no one to let you nap for awhile, you're going to miss it. Enjoy it while it lasts.
Also, here's an important thing. Your parents and Simons' parents did an okay job, right? Let them do their own thing with Wombat. They'll be gone soon and things will run on your own schedule. But they get to be fun grandparents and aunts and uncles and spoil him rotten, and that's the Wombat's relationship with them, which is wholly different than yours. Now and when he's older and goes camping with grandpa or whatever, he's going to get scratched and eat too much candy and stay up late, and it will be FUN! And you can just let it happen and know that he really loves spending time with them without everything having to be just so.
typing one handed, sorry about sentence structure.
when my huge extended family poured into my hosp. room after my 1st baby was born, i held onto my flannel bundle with a death grip, they fired flash bulbs in his hours-old face that made him cry, and i just sat there with my swollen lips and puffy cheeks and held on for dear life. later, at home one of the grandmas remarked that it was so stingy of me not to pass my baby around at the hospital.
whatever! i was a brand new mama and all those people were overwhelming. now that we live farther away, i have the utmost pleasure in not even calling to tell anyone i'm in labor to ensure no one 'pops over' to 'help' while i'm still dealing with dilating. i guard my babymoon fiercely.
family is wonderful, but you are the mama. do NOT be afraid to tell people to step back / hand over the baby / quit taking pictures / just get out of the room etc. you can always apologize later!
my fave response to advice? 'thanks, i'll think about it.' they don't feel attacked for trying to help and you buy some time to mull over whatever they said w/o getting all defensive, because, hey, maybe it is good advice.
wow - you said all the things I'm afraid to say out loud. I'm not even pregnant yet, but I have this horrible fear about the day I bring my baby home. I already know I don't want anyone to touch, talk to, or breath on my baby. My husband and I worked damn hard to make it - so back the *baby approriate* word off.
I love all the advice I've read here. The phrases for accepting advice politely and the idea of a mommy and baby only room. My mom-in-law and sister-in-law (already a mother of three) are the 2 who scare me most... I know they'll be bursting with well meant advice and I'm afraid I'll definitely make them hate me forever.
I look forward to learning how you deal in this situation. I wish you all the luck in the world.
My advice? With this already being an issue and the PLUMMETING hormones that occur post-birth, I would rent them a hotel room. I'm not even kidding. I so needed to be on my own schedule and doing my own thing when O was a newborn. I can't help but "host", and having people there just upped my anxiety. You will want to hold that little guy all the time, and half the time you're topless anyway, and having others around full-time may make you sort of insane. Well, it did me : )
I had the same fears, trust me. Luckily, my mom, who was here for a week after the birth, really isn't much of a baby person, so besides holding her occasionally during my naps, she just cooked and cleaned. It was great and a HUGE help during my PPD phase.
Just be honest with your family. Say, "Hey, I need to figure this out my way, so please, just work with me." And you will learn which battles are worth fighting because this is just the beginning. The advice will never stop coming; you just have to learn to smile at most of it and just ignore it. Some great crap I've had to deal with:
You're swaddling her TOO tiiiiight! (Um, no, I KNOW what she likes, OK?)
She should be drinking water (at 8 weeks old). (Uh, no. Drinking water is actually bad for babies, mmkay?)
You pour water OVER her head?? (Yeah, she's no priss. She doesn't mind at all.)
Oh, come on. Let her have a bowl of ice cream. (AT THREE MONTHS OLD.)
I can't believe you let her cry it out. (Oh really? Would you like to take over the night shift?)
And so on. Fun times! But don't worry, soon you'll be the experienced one and you can be the one to hand out unwanted assvice instead.
I have nothing to offer but this sentence "I don't fear the self-doubt and guilt of doing things wrong as a first-timer; I fear the judgement and tsk-tsking of those who will witness it" is so good and PRECISELY how I feel about motherhood.
ohhhh man. i remember very similar feelings pending the arrival of my son. i was so overwhelmed with many of the thoughts you mentioned. i even attended a pre-birth class where the instructor spent a decent amount of time on how to respond to family members like that, in that situation. i thought i was prepared : ) i ended up with an emergency c-section (do to some complications) and was pretty drugged up for the next 10 days, so anything in those days didn't bother me too much at the time. i think i STILL get overwhelmed with my family and all their input. almost 4 months later, i'm finally getting used to being confident in my (and my husbands) decisions, bold - sticking up for myself - yet respectful at the same time. it's an "art", but as you well stated, you learn things quick - so i'm sure you'll get pretty good at that, too.
I was in your place almost a year ago when my son arrived. I had an emergency c-section so there were a few days (weeks) when I just couldn't do it myself. But as I began to feel better, I started to count the minutes until my house would be empty and I could finally load the dishwasher correctly. But... My mom fell in love with her first grandchild that week so how important is having it "all done right" really? Take some naps and let them do it and when the week is done you can redo all the cabinets. I did. Hang in there the first six weeks are tough.
OMG. Reading this just took me back to when C was born in May and I think my heart rate just started rising thinking about how hard it was not to flip out at everyone. In the hospital, there were so many people in the room and someone else was holding him and I really had to hold back tears. I. just. wanted. my. baby. back.
I'm a little type A but I really value sleep and alone time so I thought it would be no biggie for me to have people around. Perhaps you'll be better off since you have a clear sense of your reaction ahead of time, but I had to physically bite my lip at times to stop myself from telling someone, anyone, not to let the door hit him/her on the way out.
The biggest things that drove me bonkers:
1. People thinking the baby was a toy. Since toys are available to play with whenever, people tended to think his nap time was eh, whatever, no big deal. Someone actually woke him up once! Never wake a sleeping baby is a rule that was not to be broken in our house.
2. The flashing camera. We literally would say the paparazzi was coming over.
3. People asking me if he was hungry when I fed him like an hour ago simply because he was starting to get fussy (which I knew meant he needed to be getting ready for a nap, see number 1).
I don't really have any advice (you've gotten some good already) but you will get through it and passed that stage. Now people hand him to me and say "oh he has a dirty diaper" and I want to yell at them to go change him, then.
I will be watching the comments with interest, since I am a bit of...well, a do-it-myself perfectionist...and have some of the same worries you expressed here.
**HUGS**
It's really ok to take your time to get your groove figured out. I'm sure your wonderful family will understand.
A trio takes a huge adjustment!!
Oh god. Reading this just made me realize that this exact issue is going to be a huge problem in my future, because my bossy mother-in-law is assvice central... sigh.
My guess is that, in the moment, all of the stuff you're worried will feel like stepping on your toes won't matter as much as much as you fear it will. The reason I'm guessing this is that I am the EXACT SAME WAY. I have had the same thoughts about what I imagine I will feel when I give birth (What if my mom is better at comforting the baby than me? What is my mother in law thinks I'm crying too much about everything?), and I'm not even pregnant yet! But my thinking about it usually leads me back to realizing that I'll probably, when it actually happens, be grateful for the shared experience of loving the new baby with the people who brought G. and I into the world, and will be comforted by them (at least as much if not more than I am annoyed by them). And, on the flip side, I also know that I will probably get my feelings hurt and cry about it, but that would probably happen even if it were just G. and I in the house during that time, simply because I think those first weeks are such tender and raw ones. All this to say that I think it will go smoother (or, at the very least, faster) than you think it will, and before you know it, it will just be the three of you, building the memories you're hoping for, as well as some you haven't even dreamed up yet. (Is it dreamed or dreampt?) And your families will be so happy to have had that time with you guys and the babe.
I'm thinking about you and Simon a lot and am so eager for this little guy to make his debut. Thanks for sharing this with us!
Congratulations on just identifying a fear I never knew I had. :)
Thanks for writing this! I'm going to be a first time aunt before long, and I have to remember to keep all my words of advice to myself so I don't alienate my sister-in-law. It's a good reminder of mom's point of view. :)
Is there any way you could have your families postpone their visits for a few days? I think it really is important to have a few days on your own as a new family. My mom was there for the birth of my son and then stayed on for a week. After about two days it was feeling like her presence was more work than help for me and my husband. My second is due in May, and we've already made it clear that we need time to ourselves right after the baby's birth. It might be helpful to you and Simon to set your boundaries from the start. I wish I had.
You guys are awesome. This is Internet advice at its very best.
More thoughts:
--My mom is the only one who will be staying with us. (I think my dad's getting a hotel room? Because he's never stayed over at anyone's house ever?) Simon's family (mom, sis, bro-in-law, and little HJ) are renting a house nearby, primarily because I recognized this issue early enough to know that having a ton of extra people living with us 24 hours a day would make me insane (because it makes me a little insane even under normal circumstances). As much as I want to be a good, welcoming hostess, I know myself well enough to predict that NO ONE will have a good time if we're all crammed together for extended periods of time; and, true to form, Simon's family has been nothing but gracious about this arrangement, even though their general philosophy is "the more the merrier." Besides, we only have one bathroom (if you don't count the incinerator toilet, which I don't!), so that's always a good deterrent!
--I've promised Simon that I'm going to do my best to be as polite and accommodating and unselfish with the baby as possible, but I've also made it clear that I need him to be my advocate now more than ever. When I say "Everybody out!" I need him to support that and not tell me to just lighten up or try to be nicer, even if I really need to just lighten up and try to be nicer. I figure if there's any time in my life I'm allowed to be emotionally fragile and territorial and maybe even a bit irrational, this is it, and I don't know what I'd do if he of all people didn't understand that. I just hope that everyone else can understand and respect that as well and not just assume I'm being selfish.
--The good news is that I don't have a problem making my needs known and being firm about what is and is not okay. The bad news is that sometimes I'm so good at it that it can be misinterpreted as me just being mean/inflexible/crazy. And I don't want to be mean/inflexible/crazy! But I definitely don't want to be a doormat either and years from now look back on the first month of my son's life feeling pissed off about how things were handled.
--Thank you so much for all of the comments, especially from those of you who can look back on your own children's infancies and admit to feeling pissed off about how things were handled. You survived it, and so will I.
--Our family is all awesome and they know their boundaries and they really do want to help (and I'm not just saying that because they all read this site!). I'm extremely lucky that the problem isn't that anyone is bossy or insensitive (excluding perhaps me); it's just that their idea of "help" is different from what mine is, and I've found in the past that it's hard to convince some people that often the best thing they can do is to go sit in a corner and read while I take care of things the way I want them taken care of. If I say "Please stop doing the dishes," most people assume I'm just trying to be polite and save my guests from doing my housework; what I really mean, though, is "PLEASE STOP DOING THE EFFING DISHES," and I know that's really hard for a lot of people to comprehend. My hope is that I don't have to break out the all-caps and the swear jar this holiday season.
--Thank you for reminding me of the following two things: (1) with some of these issues (e.g., accepting unsolicited advice), this is only the beginning and the sooner I learn to handle it the better; and (2) with some of these issues (e.g., wanting to hold my baby whenever I want to hold my baby), the insanity is only temporary and before long we'll have found our family groove and everyone will be happy.
having just had my first (19th Nov, sweet little boy) I can tell you this:
1 - you DO change - I am a bit of a control freaking monster, and bossy and impatient and short tempered. Some how, and it's been 2 weeks of screaming, crying and demanding LOTS of milk, not to mention the breastfeeding difficulties and WAAAAAY too much conflicting info from the well meaning midwives, for some reason I am sweet, patient, relaxed and happy around my baby. I guess (I hope) it's the mother instinct coming out in me, the one I didn't have before, and as I wasn't even broody before I was pregnant, is as much a surprise to me as it is to everyone else. Even my own mother says she wouldn't be as patient as I am with Harry (my son).
2 - lots of older more experienced folk know not to interfere - mum herself has been nothing but supportive and runs around asking what I want, but even she now asks to pick him up and if she should wind him etc - so you may find that others are more relaxed than you think they will be.
3 - you're anxious - you're in tri 3 and things are getting a bit stressed for you - try to relax and know in yourself that you'll be a wonderful kind mum and take pride in the fact that you can be as exclusive with him and Simon as you want - don't even think about it, he is YOUR son, you can do what you like (within obvious reason).
4 - the first two weeks are not so taxing if like me you're already envisaging endless night feeds and screaming. Yes I have had that, but nowhere near as bad as I thought it would be and the help I have had has been amazing, even if I have got a bit sh*tty with my parents on occasion. This may happen, but less than you think, and I have found just taking a minute longer in the loo or walking away for 5 mins
always does the trick... Your hormones will still be raging for a while, go easy on yourself and again, others will know this early period is the hardest.
5 - enjoy it my dear, the overwhelming love is truly indescribable - even if mine took a few hours after my op to kick in.
Very best of luck XXX
About a month before my son was born I had a dream in which my family was passing my baby around and no one was letting me hold him. I woke up in tears!
Fortunately that didn't happen in real life. But I'm a control freak, too, so I had to learn to let things go a bit. Just remember that you'll be all hormonal, which gives you license to get snippy with people once in a while. :)
I wasn't going to comment, because I am the opposite of a control freak and don't have kids, so I figured I wouldn't have anything to contribute. However, a lot of the things people have said have reminded me of my sister, who is a bit of a control freak, and who I know struggled with this, especially with her first. (She actually asked me to come stay with her 24/7 the first week because she knew I was one of the few people who wouldn't upset her with assvice.)
Anyway, someone mentioned someone asking if the baby was hungry when really the baby just needed a nap. I saw that and realized I have asked questions like that, and it may have seemed I was passive-aggressively giving advice, when really I was just 1) truly curious or 2) making small talk about the only thing anyone in the room cared about at the moment (the baby.) I bring this up just to point out that sometimes people really aren't challenging you; they're just talking. Of course, there are people who think they know everything about babies, and they will not be able to stop themselves. All of them mean well, but some of them also just like showing off. I would say try not to take it personally. I mean, really, they do it to everyone, not just you, so it can't really mean anything, right?
Good luck. :)
I am an only child who has always had her mom taking care of. As a matter of fact, I'm 40 now and she still does my ironing.
When I was 38 weeks preggo I decided that my husband should quit his job in Florida so we could move 12 hours back home to where my mom was b/c I was going to need help.
So, obviously we had no where to live so we lived with her. She tried and boy did she ever try to help me and I thought I wanted her help. But, I can honestly say that for the first 6 months of my child's life, I did ever night feeding and diaper change. I wanted to get up with him. I wanted to do it all.
My mom would come home from work and lie on the sofa and hold him while he slept and I let her and I napped then. But at night when she would get up or when she would even offer to get up with him so I could sleep, I explicitly said NO!
I wanted to do it all. When my second child was born 5 weeks early and didn't even have to go to the NICU and came home when I did, everyone thought I should let my mom (who didn't live with us by then but only lived a rocks throw away) and my husband get up and feed him. I would have nothing of it.
At one week he was put back into the hospital as a failure to thrive baby. I had spent that entire week trying to get him to eat. I was washing his face with iced down cloths and putting pure ice cubes on his feet (per doctors orders) trying to wake him up to get him to eat. He didn't instinctively wake up to eat like most newborns do. So, we set a clock for someone to get up with him. That someone was me.
When we would go to bed at night, my mom and my husband too would say, "let me get up with him tonight" but I was so afraid they wouldn't force him to eat and they weren't.
I can distinctly recall sitting on my sofa during that first week, my mother fetching a iced wash cloth and my husband ice cubes. One of them rubbing his face and the other his feet but by damn I was giving him his bottle and no one else was going to do it.
He was several months old before I agreed to let anyone get up with him even though the next day I had a toddler running wild around me.
So, I said all this to say.......this is your baby and you get to do it anyway you want to. One thing that rings in my mind is this, I just came from a wedding rehearsal that I'm directing and there's all these people to please besides the bride and the groom. Step parents, step kids, grown people who don't speak to one another because of some dumb something. So, even though it is this bride's special day, she is having to accommodate others in so many ways.
But, when you have this baby..it is your rules. You don't have to let anyone else do anything if you don't want to.......this is all about you, your husband and YOUR BABY...and don't let anyone tell you any different.
Trust me, my husband and I are both only children so grandchildren were highly sought after...but by George no one was going to tell me how to do it.
Guess what? We've made mistakes. I have a 4 year old who is still not potty trained.....guess what? I'm not taking anyone's advice either, we are doing this our way...our kids, our way! Your baby and your way.
My last piece of advice is this.....if all else fails, cry and act crazy. You can apologize later and blame it on hormones and no one will even be mad....
Good luck. I wish you all the best.
Best advice I can give? Ignore my advice. It's all you, girlfriend. No one else knows shit. You're the boss. You make the calls. Don't let the unsolicited advice-givers into your house. Especially on weekends.
(P.S. This is super timely because last week I did a momversation epi on this EXACT subject. I think it's up on Monday.)
My favorite response is short and sweet: develop the habit of being OCD about not appearing OCD. When someone points out an obsession or arbitrary fixation, let it go. As fast as possible, in the right way, OR WE'LL ALL DIE!
Bah. You and Simon WILL know what you are doing. It is YOUR baby and you will always know him best. Better than anyone, even the doctor. Never, ever let anyone try to railroad you on your kid.
So, I say, let go of the Bowl Stacking and have others do that for you while you focus on your squishy newborn.
FWIW, I have similar hang-ups and it was really, really hard to not restack the dishwasher everytime my husband tried to "help". Urp.
Been there, done that and have the t-shirt. Pick you battles...decide what is going to be the deal breaker and stick with it. This first few weeks sent the trend for the child's life. My girls are now 15 and 17 year-olds and we still say the same thing "Thanks for that idea...We will have to think about this" My older daughter is in the process of college selection and we are having to say the same things we said when husband and I were deciding when to start real food..."Thanks for the idea...we will have to think about this". It lets the advise-giver know that you hear them but it does not commit to their advise.
And the best advise I have ever been given that I actually took - "Enjoy, this only happens once"
Having had a control freak boss I know that it really is difficult for anyone who is trying to work with/help a person like that, if not impossible (at least it was for me).
I think it's great that you are thinking about how this aspect of your personality will affect your interaction with your family, and looking for ways to make things go smoothly. Like others have said, I'm sure they know enough about you already to let you do things your way. Finding things they can do for you that you can appreciate rather than resent is key. Also, I think laying the ground rules beforehand is important. If they don't want to deal with your exacting-ness, they can decide not to come (which I doubt would happen).
But, as the recipient of this behavior from various people, I must ask that you try a little bit to just let them help you, and try to let it go that it wasn't done your way, because there really isn't one best way for most things in life, especially bowl stacking and towel folding.
You'll be too tired to care about the advice. Just know that they'll all go back to their homes eventually (sooner rather than later, I hope).
OMG I totally understand. I am THE SAME WAY and have the same reservations about our family's post-birth house stays with us. I nearly fell over and died last night when my MIL said to me on the phone that "there's nothing wrong with letting babies sleep on their stomachs - they like it. Those doctors don't know everything." DON'T LET THIS WOMAN NEAR MY BABY!! AAAH!
I'm going to echo the fact that you have verbalized all of my fears about bringing home a baby (whenever that might happen). My brother and sister-in-law were crazy enough to move into my parents house with a 2 week old because their house had sold and their new house wasn't ready yet. I think those surrounding you just need to be reminded (albeit, gently) that the baby will be raised your way, and that you need to be given the opportunity to figure things out for yourselves and the little man.
I had some of these same concerns. Thankfully, people were very understanding about my desire to "do it myself" and "do it my way." Of course, the fact that I had a C-section took away both some of my desire and some my ability to take care of certain tasks. At some point, you'll happily hand over the sweet baby to the doting grandparents for a little more sleep. It took me a few days to realize that doing so didn't mean I was admitting failure: I was admitting that I needed to take care of myself and had to take advantage of the open arms that so badly wanted a wee bit of time alone with the first grandchild. I left them with the instructions to wake me when she was ready to eat again, and they did just that.
Twenty months later: "are you sure you trust them?" "Mom - would I leave my daughter with them if I didn't?" Seriously - it's mostly good, but sometimes (stupidly) bad when it come to (grand)parents.
As a mother/parent, you will get unsolicited advice from everywhere. It sucks and it's one of the worst parts of parenthood. When unsolicited advice is thrown my way, I respond one of two ways: (1) when the advice giver is snarky/condescending/rude: "Thanks! Someday I hope my kids are as well-behaved as yours." and walk away, (2) when the advice giver is making a real effort at being helpful: "Thanks! I'm going to try it this way first."
File every piece of advice you receive away in a corner of your brain. Some pieces make hilarious stories later, others just might come in handy some time.
I'd decide ahead of their visit what you are going to want to be "your area" and communicate that with your family. There are always useful things that excited grandparents can do for you... like clean your bathroom, or kitchen, or prepare meals... I know that all they really want to do is snuggle the little one, and there might be a time when you just want to fall asleep after nursing in the middle of the night - so maybe they'd be willing to burp the babe, etc...
I know, lame input. Good luck! So excited for you!!
I had a little wombat-- actually, "Rutabega" for what it's worth... Here's what we did: Entry fee for baby viewing= covered dish/pizza/chinese/whatever. Use paper plates and disposable utensils. Person bringing casserole LEAVES WITH the only dirty dish made, you are fed, and can go happily about your fussing over Wombat. Diapering/feeding/bathing advice accepted only upon request. Feign a little helplessness regarding cooking and they (the thronging crowd of admirers) will have a productive, non-crazy-making outlet for their energies.
Also, cultivate a little oblivion. You don't have to ingest even the slightest bit of unsolicited advice to smile distantly, pat the persons knee, and say thank you. Then make a reason to leave person's presence. After childbirth and everything involved you are 100% entitled to a little absent-mindedness.