In Spirit, In Law
Thank you, everyone, for your kind words and shared enthusiasm for what, I agree, is pretty much the sweetest gift a baby (or a mama) could ever get. Some of you mentioned what a good whistler Simon is and yeah, I know, holy cow, right? Sometimes I wonder how a 6'2" canary got in my shower and turned on the water all by himself.
Also, I'm sure Simon thanks all of you new readers for promoting him to Husband without him having to do a damn thing to earn it. Speaking of which, did anyone see this particularly relevant cartoon in the New Yorker last week?
Simon has been saying that exact thing for at least a year now, and I couldn't believe that, once again, the New Yorker has been using my life for inspiration. (See also this. It's funny cuz it's true!) Simon obviously hadn't seen the cartoon yet (I know this because it hadn't been ripped out of the magazine and sent on a wild ride through his digestive tract before I got to it), so in my darling passive-aggressive way, I left the magazine open to that page for him and eagerly anticipated his response. Would he laugh? Would he cry? Would he take a diamond ring out of his pocket and, in the Most Romantic Proposal Ever (apologies to The Bachelor), throw it at me and say, "Fine. You win."? As it turns out, he took the shock rather well and instead of blaming me, he blamed the media: "So, I see the New Yorker is making fun of this generation's fight for civil rights? How nice." So very earnest, he was. I wanted to pat him on the head.
Seriously, though, I get that he is passionate about the gay rights issue--and I am too--but I still had to be the one to break it to him that, unlike Brad and Angelina, the public at large (or at least Entertainment Tonight) doesn't really give a damn if he marries me or not, and no one is likely to blanket-sanction gay marriage just to see it happen. Also, I think his approach is bass-ackwards to begin with; not getting married to protest other people not being able to get married is like not eating your dinner because there are starving children in China. Didn't his mother tell him that starving children in China means we have to clean our plate before we can leave the table? And really, if we care deeply, shouldn't we be eating extra dinner? And extra lunch? And extra pickles on the side? And a big bowl of Applejacks before bed? Hey, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.
But I don't really want to talk about my marriage (or non-marriage) because, wow, I think I've just defined a boundary for myself about an aspect of my personal life that I don't really want to discuss with the Internet; I'm either growing up or wiser. What I will say, though, is that whereas all consenting adults should be allowed the legal benefits of marriage to all other consenting adults, in many ways the husband-wife/husband-husband/wife-wife relationship is a state of mind that exists outside of what the law officially recognizes. Many of the same-sex couples who get legally married in California this year will have been married in spirit for a long time already, and I think the same is true for me and Simon, what with our mortgages and pets and fetus and well-defined dedication to love and honor and put up with each other as long as we both shall live, so help us Elton.
Even without the official document, we know that our relationship requires patience and caring and commitment if it's to work and last. Why, twice this week, I have been patient enough to pick up Simon's shorts from the floor of the bathroom (where I am likely to trip on them AND DIE in my middle-of-the-night closed-eye stumble to the toilet) and, because I care so very much about him, have lovingly deposited them into his sink, where he will be sure to see them and thus learn a valuable lesson about How Not To Kill the Mother of One's Child. I do this because I am committed to our success as a couple, which, I think you'll agree, would be seriously marred by the death of one of us by the floor pants of the other. Passive-aggressive calling card a la shorts in the sink? We may not have a marriage license, but if that's not Endless Love, I don't know what is.
The best way to teach your man about the proper place for his shorts is whenever you find them in the wrong place, put them in an envelope and mail them to him at work. You have so much to learn, grasshoppa.
Now, if I can only convince my wife that the Bra Fairy has stolen her bras (found hanging all over the house) until she gets that big package at her office!
T-Bone, funny you should mention that. When the superhero and I clean the living room, we have a contest to see who has more socks or bras that need to be tossed into the laundry. At least we're consistent about where we remove them. Though I can definitely see the merits of mailing them to a place of employment, I'm too cheap to pay the postage.
(and the subject of this post is why we used an exerpt from the Goodridge (Mass.) decision for the wedding ceremony)
I don't understand why it's such a big deal. My older sister has been with her boyfriend for almost 10 years. They are fully committed to each other. Last year my little sister got married to a guy she'd been dating for a short time (they got engaged after 3 months - the wedding was 1 year and 1 month after they started dating.) My parents view my little sister's relationship as more valid than my older sister's (not that they'd come out and say it - it's obvious though from the fact that little sister's husband is treated more like family than older sister's boyfriend.) It blows my mind.
So help us Elton. Heh!
I recently told a friend of mine that I had no interest in getting married (various reasons) and then he tried to convince me that I did, in fact, want to get married. Because obviously what I needed was 25 minutes of someone else telling me why I should do something. What sucks though, when making any decision in one's personal life, is that you're then forced to justify it to others. My question is why should anyone care? And does it really affect another's well being or state of living that other people don't want to get married or that two people who want to get married are of the same sex? I think not.
Oh man. My husband leaves his underwear EVERYWHERE. I've tried everything. If he runs out of them he either goes without or buys new ones. I can't win.
I hope you turned the water on for a couple of seconds so that the shorts message would really hit home haha.
I am unsure whether I think hetero couples should wait until same-sex marriage is legal. Maybe if I lived in the USA I would know for sure but since it is legal up here it's hard to tell. I understand what you're saying - nobody is going to stop the presses because you two aren't getting married. It is a nice gesture but an empty one perhaps. I am still very happy that you two are so open and non-judgemental.
Also, I haven't said it but congratulations on the baby. I am happy following along with the progress
I've started four different comments and deleted them all, so I'll just say congratulations on your committed relationship, on not killing yourself on Simon's shorts, and on this well-written post. Superb.
Hope to see you again at BlogHer this year (I'll just be at the cocktail parties).
i just listened to "the stranger" and almost,
ALMOST cried. i love you two. and i'm always
encouraged and inspired when i stop by here. good thing that little stranger has such a warm place to come home to.
Ha ha....I love that you and Simon have separate sinks. Is it weird that I've requested separate BATHROOMS for when my boyfriend and I finally cohabit?
I would also like to shout a loud "here, here" from across the globe to everything that you said in your post. Well done.
when we stop eating a big bowl of apple jacks before bed the terrorists will have already won. . .
I'm totally getting Matthew to install his own sink. SO I CAN DEPOSIT ALL OF HIS TOOLS IN IT.
"Leaving them in the hallway is easier", says he. WHATEVER. I'm tired of stubbing my toe on hammers and squares.
*grumble, grumble*
You guys are awesome. Can. Not. Wait. to finally meet you (and sit in your backyard, and smell your lemons).
That sounded dirty. Heh.
I agree with you that a committed relationship should be given as much credence as a 'legal' one (my father-in-law and his girlfriend have been together for over 20 years) the only problem is in some instances it can lose you some rights, emigrating to a different country together, etc, that's where the real injustice of not being able to marry your partner comes in.
My husband and I started a baby registry at Target this weekend. I'm obviously pregnant, but the Target people asked multiple times whether this was a wedding or baby registry. Just in case you guys reconsider, you could do create two registries at once! Think of the time efficiency!
Shorts in the sink. What a freaking awesome idea. To bad we SHARE THE SAME SINK. ;)
I love that the New Yorker is living vicariously through A Girl and a Boy. Awesome. Next, the New Yorker will have a website. Oh.
Anyways...I just love your writing style and your story is awesome.
Now, I would have said to my spouse, "look at how the New Yorker manages to be up to date and also amazingly sexist." He would have rolled his eyes at my vain mis-placed but righteous resistance and patted me on my head.
Delightfully written post.
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