May 19, 2008
Pain in the Rear
A couple of cripples were in our house this weekend. I can say that not because I'm insensitive but because when one is talking about one's beloved as well as one's own self, one can say whatever the hell she pleases. And so: a couple of cripples were in our house this weekend, and those cripples were us (technically "we," but sometimes right just sounds so wrong).
Simon's slipped disc flared up again, and just in time for the onset of first-trimester posterior pelvic pain, which feels like a milder version of what it would be to have a woodwright affix his smallest clamp to a sciatic nerve, the main difference being that instead of focused on a single locus, the pain is spread out through my extreme lower back and butt. When it doesn't hurt like a motherfuck, it mostly just feels like I bruised my tailbone, but still, OW. I can no longer sit comfortably on the floor, unless your definition of "sit" includes crumpling up in a modified child's pose, where the knees are open far enough that the chest can touch the floor between them. (Thanks to ballet, I have extremely flexible hips. And thanks to extremely flexible hips, I inspired a conversation last week about just how far my legs can spread apart--said conversation occuring between Simon and the n.p. who was at that very moment giving me a pelvic exam. Oh the joys!)
To return to the Pairs Back Pain Competition, this interesting experiment in immobility led to a series of negotiations and compromises and sacrifices that really surprised me, for my capacity for selflessness is, sadly, rather limited. The negotiations included who will haul the laundry up and down the stairs (me) and who will load and unload and load the dishwasher (me); the compromises were who will go to the garden center to buy herbs during the one-day-only sale (me) and who will pot the herbs (me) and plant the new vegetables (me); and the sacrifice was who will weed the tomato rows (Simon, with regular hammock breaks).
I spell this out in detail not to martyr my pregnant self and make Simon feel bad--he already feels bad enough considering that the entire right side of his trunk is swollen outward into a six-inch shelf of flesh--but I do it so I can tell the story of how he was in too much pain to go to the hardware store/garden center for twenty minutes, and yet he insisted on accompanying me to Target yesterday--a trip not only guaranteed to take more than an hour, but also a trip made for the express purpose of purchasing some honest-to-goodness maternity pants. (I'm wearing them right now (with a gigantic smock top from the Junior's section, no less) and never before have I felt at once so unsexy (I'm not yet big enough to fill them out = PLEATS) and so comfortable. Save for the posterior pelvic pain, I mean.)
What a guy, huh? He followed me around the (insanely busy) Target clothing section (using the shopping cart as a walker), and then came into the dressing room too, so he could tell me I still look cute even though I am wearing elastic-waist short shorts and a cotton poplin tarpaulin. (Also so he could lay down on the bench and whimper in semi-private.)
And then he took me to McDonald's.
And that concludes the weekend review. Ten-week belly photos are in order, yes? I'll make that my priority, right after eating an entire Christmas ham.
firm believer that fountain coke and french fries makes everything better. it is a religion.
Posted by: jeorg at May 19, 2008 06:04 PMUm, actually I've always found that particular use of the word "cripple" the most offensive. Technically, a cripple is someone who can't walk and won't for his or her life. FDR was a cripple because he didn't get better. You will get better (in fact you are not even injured, just adjusting to a new part of life), so you are just not a cripple. When the doctor tells Simon that he'll be confined to a chair for his life, then you can call him a cripple. Till then, be thankful for the legs you got, sister.
Posted by: kate at May 19, 2008 06:34 PMI'm all for throwing the laundry down the stairs in those cases. Up is more difficult, yes. For that I suggest common household oxen -- a.k.a., the cat hitch-up.
Posted by: Linda at May 19, 2008 09:01 PMI hope you feel better soon!! That goes double for Simon!!
I can't tell you how much I love reading about your Adventures in Pregnancy!! And I'm sure you look absolutely adorable in your new maternity wear :)
This is all so exciting!!! Even the back pain!!
(um, did you see how many exclamation points I just used?? I guess I really am excited!!)
Posted by: Brooke at May 20, 2008 01:20 AMI love taking Eric with me when I shop for clothes (but only when he's in the mood, if he's not it's like shopping with a moody 13-year-old boy).
Posted by: leandra at May 20, 2008 07:14 AMTechnically, a crippling is not always a permanent deal. I always find it perplexing when people choose to take offense where clearly no offense was intended. Does the world really need that kind of drama? Computer says no.
Posted by: Leah at May 20, 2008 10:45 AMIt comforts me to know that I was not the only woman to need maternity pants by week 10! With your 2nd sure but the 1st? Yikes. So thanks for that. I dont think I needed real tops until about 6 months?
I found those self stick heat pats to be really nice on the lower back pain, Thermacare I think.
Well, for me its like a straight guy who decorates his apartment and says "I'm such a fag" or a white guy who calls himself a ni66a because of how he dresses and what kind of music he listens to. Both could occur in situations where offense is not meant, but both are painful comparisons that, as an adult, having heard them for years and years, we don't like to let go when communicating with sensitive, smart people who might think about what their words mean. Its not fair that some people get to use some words and others get to use others, but permanent disability isn't temporary disability. Had you not said it in a public forum, I don't think I would have said anything. But if you said it in my workplace or on my kid's sports team, I probably would have mentioned it, too.
Posted by: kate at May 20, 2008 11:29 AMI'd be interested in discussing this away from my completely unrelated comments section, but you didn't leave a real email address...
Posted by: Leah at May 20, 2008 11:52 AMLove it. Also, poor Simon. I hope you, both, are less-crippled soon!
Posted by: Elizabeth at May 20, 2008 11:56 AMbut I do think public is public, in general.
Posted by: kate at May 20, 2008 12:59 PMLeah,
I think that your long-standing (pun actually not intended) hatred of the handicapped has finally been displayed for all to see.
There goes your presidential bid.
-Simon
Posted by: simon at May 20, 2008 01:17 PMBoo to back pain, hope it gets better for both of you. But cheers for boys who go shopping!
Posted by: water sign at May 20, 2008 01:37 PMIt must be catching. I'm sorry our bad luck has rubbed off on you guys.
Also, I'm mortally offended by your use of the term cripple.
Love,
Ms. Gimp
I was only going to say that; I remember how good maternity pants felt when I was busting out of my clothing but..............
I often think that people release their judgment before they consider the intent. We are all guilty of saying things that could be considered offensive, including Kate I am sure. Intent is everything, and I don't believe that Leah intended to disparage the disabled. This comes from someone who has a disabled sister and I wouldn't hesitate to use the word crippled if my back hurt! Grow up we nobody needs your drama
In case madam would like some dessert after her Christmas ham:
http://www.baskinrobbins.com/Spotlight/bumpday.aspx
Heh.
Posted by: Catherine at May 21, 2008 04:47 AMCatherine: I saw that! And I wonder: how does a woman actually prove she's pregnant unless she has something physical to show for it? I think all ladies should hie themselves to Baskin Robbins today and get their free cone!
Posted by: Leah at May 21, 2008 10:00 AMOh man, the "cripple" brouhaha made me cackle so HARD. Honest to gods, if you want to see some offensive writing I'd direct you to my friend internet friend Dena's blog (used to blog as non vocabulum). 'Cept she locked it down. When you're ethnic you can really get away with saying the rudest shit.
Having actually met you in person, the muted offense over this is even funnier.
Posted by: monkey at May 21, 2008 03:42 PMOH yes, I am in my 9th week and already ballooning up to whale-like girth. I'm small by nature so I think that's why it's popping so early on. I had to pull over on my way to a meeting yesterday and buy some maternity pants from Old Navy. MY GOD IN HEAVEN are these the best thing ever, I'm like, never taking them off. Even when I'm not growing a person, I intend to wear these at future Thanksgivings, Christmas dinners, and any and all eat-offs. Congratulations!
Posted by: Tori at May 22, 2008 09:36 AM
