April 22, 2008
Whistle a Happy Tune
Following yesterday's blood-test-form-got-sent-to-the-wrong-lab* mixup and this morning's blood-test-form-didn't-include-all-the-information-I-wanted snafu, I was finally and successfully phlebotamised today and should have numbers (large ones!) by tomorrow. I'm feeling better and calmer now that it's done, and also because (1) last night after dinner my belly bloated out to six months' girth, (2) I woke up to pee in the middle of the night, just like a pregnant woman should, and (3) I felt like ass this morning and had to choke down my cereal--the very cereal that I eat for breakfast and sometimes dinner and sometimes in my very best dreams. There was also the not-insignificant phenomenon of my tasting a bit of strawberry cheesecake yesterday and finding it unforgivably repellant, and this is where you--like I, like Simon--cheer because when I feel bad the news must be good.
As I wait for the results, I pat myself on the back (and not just for surviving yet another blood draw without fainting like the guy did this morning). Having made five baby-related phone calls in the past twenty-four hours, I'm feeling rather grown-up and proud at my new social skills. As you may remember from the near-coronary that was calling to schedule a frickin' haircut appointment last month, the phone is not my friend. More like a fire-breathing dragon with halitosis. I'm not so good with dragons.
Add to this general phone phobia the fact that I must now make frequent phone calls to discuss important medical issues that sometimes require I discuss the state of my nipples with a surly receptionist, and you have a perfect storm of anxiety. With the haircut, I was worried about being rejected by the salon because my tone of voice didn't contain the proper amount of hipster irony, but we're not talking about bangs here--we're talking about a baby. What if my phone skills render me ineligible to take one home? What then?! Surely they're not handing out babies to people who can't phone talk good?
Actually, the real problem is that in an effort to be nice and low-maintenance, I tend to just say "okay" and "sure" and "fine" no matter what the person on the other end of the line is telling me. Them: "That mysterious $50 charge to your card was a 'maintenance fee.'" Me: "Okay." Them: "We can't solve your problem here, so please call again the number you called in the first place, you know, the one that transferred you to us to solve your problem." Me: "Sure." Them: "I understand that you're afraid you're having another miscarriage but we can't fit you in to see the doctor for another three weeks, so just try to relax."** Me: "Fine."
Embarrassing as it is to admit, when there's a problem with my bank statement or car loan paperwork, Simon is kind to volunteer to take care of those phone calls, but in this case, even though this is his baby too, it just doesn't serve for him to be in charge. The only thing worse than me discussing my nipples with the receptionist is Simon discussing my nipples with the receptionist, so I've bucked up to relieve him of that responsibility, even if it means I need to write down exactly what I want to say, and then rehearse it for a half hour before actually making the phone call. I put "Eye of the Tiger" on my iPod and do a few mental laps.
Being an impatient person, I always expected my children would teach me patience. Being a perfectionist, I always expected my children would teach me how to embrace imperfection. Being a planner, I always expected my children to teach me that sometimes the prettiest flowers lie farthest from the path.*** What I never expected was that they would start teaching me these things before they were even born.
I also never expected that they would teach me--gigantic fraidy-cat that I am--how to be brave. I thought that all of the hugely terrifying facets of parenthood--pregnancy (eek!), labor (yow!), and raising a brand new person (ka-bam!)--would just give me a longer list of things to be afraid of. I'm surprised to see that the very opposite is happening. Now, with such a huge responsibility on my shoulders, the only right response to fear seems to be fearlessness. Or feigned fearlessness, at least.
Whenever I feel afraid
I hold my head erect
and whistle a happy tune
and no one will suspect
I'm afraid.
While shivering in my shoes
I strike a careless pose
and whistle a happy tune
so no one will suppose
I'm afraid.
The result of this deception
is very strange to tell
for when I fool the people
I fear, I fool myself as well!
I whistle a happy tune
and every single time
the happiness in the tune
convinces me that I'm not afraid.
Make believe you're brave
and the trick will take you far.
You may be as brave
as you make believe you are!
Say, do you think they ever denied someone a baby because she couldn't stop whistling?
*Is it weird that I have to go off-site for my blood tests and ultrasounds?
**The nurse practicioners who are actually in charge at my clinic are fantastic. The receptionists, however, are a little drunk with power and think they can push people around. Not cool.
***A lot of what I know about life and parenthood comes from Sondheim's Into the Woods.
I love my doctor (LOVE HER) so I can't see myself ever leaving her, but the nurse practitioner and the receptionists make me cry. (Sometimes literally.) The nurse practitioner actually told me the other day--in jest, I will admit, but I WAS NOT IN A JOKING MOOD--that if I didn't do what she was recommending, my ovaries could explode. Thanks, woman. That's the kind of joke an infertile woman wants to hear at 9am.
I am happy you're doing so well. And there are about two paragraphs up there that made me get misty (damn you) and then want to link to you (AGAIN) for my post of the day.
Posted by: She Likes Purple at April 22, 2008 04:27 PMThe image of you scripting and rehearsing your phone calss reminded me of Miranda calling Steve to ask him out on SATC :) Such a funny scene!
I left a good OB/GYN office because of Front Office people. They would bad mouth clients for all the waiting room to hear. Something to consider.
Posted by: Sarah at April 22, 2008 04:39 PMmy friends and i used to do this thing when we'd go bar hopping where, whenever one of us would go to the bathroom, we'd wait 'til he/she was halfway across the room and then call out to him/her, "Hey ! Eye of the tiger man, eye of the tiger!" and raise our fists into the air. . .
Posted by: bloopy at April 22, 2008 04:41 PMLuckily, I'm never in the waiting room longer than one minute (wow!), so I'll never know if they're talking smack about me, and frankly, I don't care if they do it so long as I don't hear about it.
When dealing with them on the phone, though, I've already discovered the "open sesame" with which to begin every conversation: "Hello! I would like to speak to a nurse practitioner please!"
Posted by: Leah at April 22, 2008 04:42 PMYes, normal to have to go off site for bood work and ultrasounds. I'm continuing to send good thoughts your way. Good thoughts so you vomit.
Posted by: Mama Urchin at April 22, 2008 04:44 PMMay you vomit thrice more this week.
Posted by: Moose at April 22, 2008 04:49 PMI hate making phone calls, too. Let's never call one another! (Just kidding; I don't mind calling pals. But credit card companies, doctor's offices, salons, etc. - I'm terrible.)
I'm glad you're feeling better/worse.
Posted by: Sara at April 22, 2008 04:50 PMI hate making phone calls to. The only time I was able to do it bravely and without delay was when I was calling my OB during pregnancy.
So happy you were wrong!
Also, it is normal to go off-site unless you are with a big group that has a lab. I am making it my mission next time (if there is a next time) to make sure I am with a group with a blood lab.
Posted by: Carrie at April 22, 2008 04:57 PMI'm also glad that you are feeling worse aka better.
Still thinking of you...
I've been refreshing your page a few more times than I would like to admit, hoping for the good news you just gave us! Yea! I'm wishing you more food aversions and middle of the night pees.
Posted by: Andrea at April 22, 2008 05:31 PMWhat Moose said.
Also, I know it's hard, but tell the NPs about the front office staff. My sister is a NP, and it was only after her intervention with a doc I had in VA that it became clear that the office staff was impeding my treatment. A lot easier said than done, I know, as I too am a big fan of nice and low-maintenance.
Posted by: Mandee at April 22, 2008 06:05 PMhere's to feeling bad!
Posted by: jeorg at April 22, 2008 06:12 PMI've never wished someone nausea and puking before, but there's a first time for everything! Glad things seem to be looking up.
I also hate talking to strangers on the phone, I was less wussy about it before I got married, but now that Jay's around, it's just so easy to coax him into calling about car insurance and things. I tell him it's for the good of us both, because I'm terrible at saying "no" or making a complaint.
Posted by: awatersign at April 22, 2008 06:32 PMI am exactly the same way on the phone! I forced myself to take a call centre job in order to try to get over it. Of course, I work from a script! But I also rehearse even the simplest phone calls. Glad to know I'm not alone :)
Posted by: Sami at April 22, 2008 06:34 PMSo happy for you! :) I agree with Mandee though, you should tell your doc (in a nice way) about your experiences or ask to speak to their practice manager.
I manage a medical practice and always like to know when patients have bad (or good experiences) with my staff. I can't ALWAYS control it and sometimes my receptionists DO have to hold off the person with EAR WAX - this is an EMERGENCY! It's just that sometimes, they forget that people have real emergencies. Someone should know.
Glad you are feeling better! Thinking about you!
Posted by: Super Sarah at April 22, 2008 08:20 PMHuzzah! for sure signs of pregnancy. And a hearty amen! to avoiding the phone the way I would avoid fire-breathing dragons with bad breath, were I ever to meet one.
Posted by: Kerri Anne at April 22, 2008 08:35 PMWow, this took me right back to pregnancy! Been there done that, and when I wish you morning sickness that lasts all day, I say with support and the best intentions!
Oh yes, and I am also such a wimp on the phone that I jumped up and down and yelped when I found out our local pizza place had online ordering. :)
Posted by: nik at April 22, 2008 11:52 PMI had to go off-site for ultrasounds and lab work. No biggie.
re: the incessant worrying - I remember during my 1st pregnancy talking to my doctor about The Worrying. I said to my doctor "I cannot wait until he heads off to college so I can stop worrying". And the doctor gently patted my knee and said "Oh honey, you never stop worrying. Not even then."
I am beginning to suspect she is correct. sigh.
Posted by: cagey at April 23, 2008 06:52 AMDelurking for the first time. The on/off-site blood tests and ultrasounds depend on the doctor's office. I get my blood taken at my doctor's office but I have to go elsewhere for my ultrasounds. Strange, though, because when I miscarried last May, they gave me an ultrasound right there in the doctor's office. Maybe the machine was just on loan or something.
Posted by: Pam at April 23, 2008 07:36 AMWe have to go to a clinic for the taking of the blood and the drinking of the orange syrup. And to the hospital for the ultrasounds.
Yay for feeling barfy! I never actually puked, but just felt like it for three months or so. It's AWFUL, but also reassuring :)
Posted by: Angella at April 23, 2008 08:34 AMI always have to go off-site for lab work, but my doctor definitely has an ultrasound machine in his office. It's not so big and fancy as the one they have in the hospital, but it can see a heartbeat and make you giddy with delight at seeing it.
And I don't think they would EVER make a pregnant woman wait three weeks for an appointment if she were worried about a miscarriage. I TOTALLY understand the desire to be nice and low maintenance. You want the staff at the doc's office to be your best friends, but there are definitely polite ways to say "I MUST SEE THE DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY!!!"
Great news that you are feeling ill again! Keeping the fingers crossed!
Posted by: Katie at April 23, 2008 05:43 PM
