A Girl...

Don't Do Anything I Wouldn't Do

Last night I laid down to rest my eyes for "just a minute" and woke up FOURTEEN HOURS later. Thus endeth the wedding weekend of all-out partying that started on Thursday night with the bachelor and bachelorette parties and ended yesterday with my snooze of Van Winklian proportions.

Since I skipped out on a day and a half of work to participate in pre-wedding activities, it's likely that I won't have time today to sort, process, and post the best of the hundreds of photos I took, or even devote too much time to describing the sweet and spectacular celebration of the marriage of two people we met through the Internet--this very website in particular--but for now, I thought I'd at least make note of what details I'm allowed to share about the bachelor/ette parties, especially since one of them has a surprise ending...

The Girls
--unintentionally stumbled into a gay bar featuring a topless bartender, several topless patrons, and as many televisions as you'd expect in a sports bar but instead of showing football or basketball, it was videos of men wrestling in the nude
--dinner and a floor show at AsiaSF, the premier performance of "gender illusionists," aka best drag-queen-dancing-on-the-bar action in the city
--a private lap dance for the bride-to-be by a buxom French maid she-male named Simone
--cage dancing to hits from the 80s
--a series of short ventures into and out of clubs peopled by tiny Asians
--vomit
--sleepover

The Boys

--manly steak dinner
--boobs and vajayjays and dollar bills tucked into G-strings
--getting mugged! at gunpoint! no shit!
--martinis in the hot tub
--sleepover

Puke and hangovers and armed robberies aside, everyone had a splendid time and got home safe and sound and ready to continue the party the next day. I still can't decide whether the mugging of the groom and groomsmen was worse than the near-poisoning of the groom and Man of Honor that happened two days before Simon's sister's wedding, but needless to say it's the sort of thing that's best avoided if one wants to actually attend one's own wedding. Several people have been making lists of Things Worth Doing Before You Die, and I'd like to suggest that if anyone has started a Things NOT To Do list, please add "eat tainted mushrooms" and "get thug-mugged" to the very top, where you won't overlook them.