A Girl...

Simon Says - "Free Tickets!" (part two of two)

I realized last night that this idea backfired. I was going to tell two brief stories as a prelude to the story about winning all these free tickets. Turns out that the stories of the prelude variety were much more interesting than the stories of the ticket-winning variety. Oh well.

For those of you with actual knowledge of the events described below: please bear with me regarding any exaggerations; these stories were gently embellished in order to win free tickets.

For those of you unfamiliar with the actual events described below: these entries are 100% true, right down to the letter.

Concert #1: 80's Prom Night - Tribute bands playing songs of The Cure and Depeche Mode

Question: Tell your story about your senior prom.

My Winning Entry:

The night of my senior prom was also the night of the county track meet. I was no track star, but I competed in two events. The coach knew that the meet was on prom night, but he told us that anyone that skipped the meet and went to prom would get an F for the semester. We learned this only a week before prom night.

I had already bought the prom ticket, and reserved the limo, and as a goody-two-shoes student and athlete, I couldn’t possibly miss the meet and risk calling the coach's bluff. An F would destroy me.

On the big night, I got into my tux, and went to an early dinner with my date and 2 other couples. We took the limo back to my date’s house, where I changed into my track uniform (the pictures are fantastic – them in tuxes and prom dresses, me in my track team uniform), and the rest of them hung out for a while. I raced to the school, warmed up, competed in my 400m and high jump, and then drove back to my house, where I showered and got back into my tuxedo, and met up with the group.

We drove to the prom, which was on a BOAT, and missed the the departure by about 5 minutes. We could see it sailing away with all of our friends walking around on the deck bedazzled in sequins and matching cummerbunds. A fisherman was unloading his day’s catch on the next dock over, and saw us standing there in our formal wear (have you ever seen four high school seniors standing all alone on a boat dock in prom garb? You can't even google that shit.) My date was crying, and everyone was pissed. Although he must've already figured out what had happened, the fisherman asked what the problem was, and I told him about the track meet, the speeding between locations, etc. (I didn't mention that there was no WAY I was going to get any that night from my date, but I think he sensed it).

He started laughing, and said that it was the funniest thing he had ever heard. He let us onto his boat, and let us sit in the relatively clean cabin, and raced us out to the prom. The mate on the prom ship lowered a rope ladder to us, and we made it before the music started.

My date was so relieved at making it onto the boat that she didn't even mind that there was another girl there with the exact same dress.

Review of the show: Neither Leah nor I was ever a fan of the Cure, so we skipped that part. However, the band that did the Duran Duran tribute was a lot of fun. Really authentic old-school keyboard sounds, and a great bass player (go right now and get out your copy of Rio, and listen carefully. That song has one of the greatest bass lines in the history of pop music).

The singer was having trouble hitting a few of the really high notes, but it didn't matter, because he was standing on the speakers at the side of the stage, sweating profusely, giving it his all. My only complaint was that there was a female backup singer who basically didn't seem to do anything except play tambourine. She didn't even do the "Uuuunnnngh!" in Hungry Like a Wolf - that was a stupid pre-recorded sample triggered by the keyboard player.

Concert #2: Stung: A Tribute to Sting and The Police

Question: What is your favorite Police Song, and why?

My Winning Entry:

When I was in about third grade, I had just moved from Michigan to Southern California. I was desperately uncool. I was completely unaware of what the culture of cool even meant. I dressed like a nerd, I had a bad haircut, and I was a total wimp to boot. Over the ensuing years, in order to create some sort of discernible exteral personality, I tried both desperately and constantly to develop a bit of a smart-alec sense of humor. I could say things that would make people laugh, and then they would like me. It worked for all the Huxtable children, why not work for me?

So one day, I was at the beach, in the water, boogie-boarding in the small waves in the knee-deep area. Remember, I am seven years old, fresh from Michigan, white as a sheet, and a total novice in the ocean. Add to that my bowl haircut, lack coordinatino, and complete befuddlement at the physics of how waves work. There was another kid wading by me, a year or two older than me, obviously a native, obviously coordinated and athletic, and much cooler than I. He was singing out loud, “There’s a little black spot on the sun today…” which was getting 24-hour-a-day radio play at the time.

As deadpan as I knew how, I looked up at the sun, squinted, and said, “Where? I don’t see it.”

I thought he would laugh, because after all, I was being very, very funny. Instead he looked at me for a second and said, “You’re a fag,” and waded away. I didn’t know what the word “fag” meant, but I figured it wasn’t another word for “real funny person.”

That Huxtable stuff is bullshit.

So this doesn’t really answer the question of my favorite Police song (it’s actually Roxanne), but it’s a better story.

Review of the show: Sadly, I got the "You Won!" email on Sunday morning, after the show. So we missed it completely. I would have loved to have gone. I like Sting. Incidentally, I remember watching Sting play bass and sing at the same time on TV a few years ago, and I thought to myself, I bet that's easier than playing guitar and singing, because you only play one note at a time instead of chords. Turns out I was wrong! It's so much harder singing and playing bass than playing guitar. I am still practicing, and it's getting easier, but I have a lot of respect for Sting, that's for sure.

Concert #3: AC/DShe, an all female AC/DC cover band

Question: What Bon Scott era AC/DC song would you like to hear at the show, and why?

My Winning Entry:

At my 30th birthday party, I had my computer on shuffle mode, playing all the stuff I like – from 80's to disco to rock to the Spice Girls. Music was blaring, people were shouting to be heard, drinks were spilling all over the carpet.

Suddenly, my mom comes bursting out of the bathroom (yes, I invited my mom to my birthday party – I actually like the broad), and she’s bopping and stepping, singing along with the music… “It’s a long way to the top if you want to rock and roll! Oh yeah, baby, you betcha! Shake it! Whoo!”

My sister and I stopped in our tracks.

“What is this? I like this music!” asks mom.

After patting her condescendingly on the head, and assuring her that it was only the chardonnay talking, we told her that it was AC/DC and she didn’t really like it. It’s a fluke.

"Mom, you don't like this music, trust us."

Since my mother has great respect for the judgement of her incredibly worldly children, she took our word for it.

But wouldn't you know, about a half hour later, she comes into the kitchen, doing the same old-lady boogie, singing “Highway to Hell! I’m on the Highway to Hell! Who is THIS one? I love this! Is this Bob Seger?”

So there you have it. My 65 year old mom is now a fan. She’s got the CD’s. She’s got the t-shirts. She’s got a key chain. She is a high school teacher, and the kids think she’s crazy.

So I’d like to hear either Long Way to the Top or Highway to Hell, for good old mom.

Review of the show: If you do have the opportunity to see AC/DShe, I recommend you go. First of all, there's the schtick. It's kind of funny, because it's chicks, so right there you have a winner. But let's dig deeper, shall we?

They are good musicians. They can play their insturuments really well, and they capture the sound and the feel of AC/DC. But more importantly, the singer really beomes a female version of Bon Scott. She has the voice, the attitude, the swagger.

Plus, she is hot in a way that society seems to have forgotten in the past 30 years. Imagine, if you will, that it is 1978, and you're in rural west Texas (or maybe Kansas City), and you're at a stop light. Next to you is a Trans-Am, black, with a golden eagle on the hood and a big dent in the fender. It has a layer of dust on it, and the t-tops are off. It has no muffler, and you know it would blow you off the road in a second. The driver is 22, and has a job at the supermarket. He never graduated high school, and he loves to drink beer and smoke weed. He listens to Thin Lizzy and Sabbath. Now, here's the important part: look at the 19 year old girl next to him. See the long bangs, decidedly not feathered, but hanging over her eyes so that she has to tilt her head back a little bit to see. Look at her confederate flag belt buckle. See her slight overbite and nicotine-stained teeth, her fingernails chewed to the nub. See her bare stomach and low-riding jeans. Can you smell the smoldering sexuality beneath the surface? Can you imagine, even for a moment, what she looks like groping about in the back seat of that Trans Am? She knows swear words you've never even dreamed of. She has been in more fist fights than you. And she is HOT HOT HOT. This, my friends, is the singer of AC/DShe.

The other good thing is that the lead guitarst is called Agnes Young. Genius!

So I loved every minute of the show. All the old stuff, really powerful barre chords, never a fourth chord in a song. That's what AC/DC is all about, right?

I knew that Leah was enjoying it a little, but she wasn't into it like I was. Because I am so nice, I suggested we leave early. We didn't hear Highway to Hell OR Long Way to the Top, but that's OK. I got the flavor.

I would also like to point out that when I was told I won a pair of tickets, they said I could have three if I brought my mom.

Concert #4: Zoo Station: The Complete U2 Experience

Question: What is your favorite U2 album, and why?

My Winning Entry:

There is no question. My favorite U2 album is Rattle and Hum.

This is not because of the music, though. Duh. No one (NO ONE) would call it their favorite because of the music; this goes without saying. Most of the originals are pretty weak, and the live songs tend to be uninspired.

I love this album because it was the album I listened to over and over on the night I fooled a beautiful and intelligent girl into thinking I was genuinely cool.

She and I stayed up all night in the auditorium at the Catholic retreat my mom sent me to when I was a freshman in high school. I have left Catholicism behind, but I still remember that night - there were no rules, odd for a Catholic camp, but there you have it. We were in the auditorium together, me and Jennifer, alone, while everyone else was either making out in the woods, playing “Bloody Mary” in the bathroom, or sleeping.

The auditorium had a sound system with a CD player, one CD (Rattle and Hum), and a microphone. I must have spent six hours with that microphone, making up poetry on the spot, singing along with Bono, and philosophizing about life to 2,999 empty seats and one full one.

Every time I set down the microphone, she’d say, “No, do some more.”

After a few hours, I was reduced to doing old Woody Allen and Jonathan Winters routines and telling knock-knock jokes. All the while, fucking "Van Diemen’s Land" playing over and over on 64 speakers.

As the sun came up, I told her I was tired and hoarse, and that I was done, and needed to get an hour or two of sleep. She told me that I was the most interesting person she could remember meeting, and gave me a quick kiss. She held my shoulders and looked at my face, slowly shaking her head back and forth. She was 18, and I was 14.

I still get chills when I think about it.

We said goodbye six hours later, when the buses left for home. A quick hug, and that was it. I never saw her again.

(As for which album is best by any objective standard, I don’t think that there is an appreciable argument against Joshua Tree)

Review of the show: This one topped them all. The musicians were fine - they did the music pretty faithfully, made it sound real. But the guy who did Bono (Bonalmost! Ha!) was amazing. He has obviously seen a lot of U2 concert videos. He has the look DOWN, with the glasses, the hair, the grimace. He moves like Bono - he does that lean down over the right hip, he moves his hands like Bono, he throws his arms in the air like Bono, he cradles the mic like Bono. But most of all, He SOUNDS like Bono. As he strode through the crowd, women groped at him. It was amazing. I have to admit, when I squinted my eyes, it was like seeing U2 in a small club.

At one point, he said "Growing up in Ireland, U2's heroes were the Ramones. Growing up in America, our heroes were U2. So if there was no Ramones, there'd be no U2. And if there was no U2, there would be no us." On the drive home, I decided that I wanted to start my own tribute band, but instead of having it be a tribute to U2, it would be a tribute to Zoo Station: The Ulitimate U2 Experience. A "U2 tribute band" tribute band, if you will. I can't wait for the day I can introduce myself as Bonalmost-ish, and say "If there was no Ramones, there'd be no U2, and if there was no U2, there would be no >Zoo Station: The Ulitimate U2 Experience, and if there was no Zoo Station: The Ulitimate U2 Experience, there's be no us.

Got it?

The Morals of the Story

1. An unplanned boat ride takes the edge off the pain with when someone else shows up in the same dress.
2. Kids in real life aren't as clever as kids on TV. Same goes for adults.
3. Hessian chicks in Trans Ams are ready for a comeback.
4. As of yet, there are no tribute band tribute bands.
5. Sometimes the prelude is better than the story.

Posted by Simon at March 18, 2008 01:45 PM