A Girl...

Oh Leah! I've said it before and I'll say it again: you are going to be an amazing mom :) It WILL happen for you! Excuse me while I have a total hippie moment, but sometimes we can't always control the timing that the Universe has laid out for us. I am most definitely cheering you on, as are tons of other people!!

I didn't post yesterday, but I have to say that having struggled with infertility this has been hard. The people I didn't want to tiptoe around me- i.e., my good friends- did, and one even delayed telling me about a pregnancy due to it. That was so frustrating.
And the people I would have appreciated some tiptoeing from- the insensitive louts, well... they were just self-centered and loutish. Never had a moment of even acknowledging what we were going through.
Not easy, for us or for them.

hang in there. I've got stuff crossed for you.

Sorry you have to deal with the most annoying kind of unsolicited advice. I don't know why people who give the "Just relax and it'll happen" (in the same family as "it'll happen when you least expect it" and "stop wanting it so much and it'll happen") don't stop to think how they'd feel if someone said that patronizing drivel to them about something they really longed for.

Oh, darn. I'm sorry I was one of those yesterday suggesting there were good things about telling them. On the bright side, I really had to laugh at your saying that next time they ask how you are, you'll say you don't speak English. Comedy gold.

I just realized that the way this is written makes it seem like I told the friends in question about the miscarriage and that they were the ones who told me to just relax. That's not what happened. We don't see them until tomorrow (so excited!); the "relax" came from someone else.

My response: "Telling someone that the reason they don't have a baby is because they have a bad attitude is just about the worst thing you could possibly say. The only thing worse would be 'You don't have a baby because God hates you.'" To imply that any couple--some of whom likely have a medical reason behind their fertility issues--isn't conceiving because they're too uptight/working too hard/trying to control everything too much/not having sex enough is BULLSHIT.

Ah, the unsolicited advice. My favourite. Sorry you had to endure it.

I had a great visual of you giving a zerbert. You are going to be the BEST Momma!

Your comment, right above Angella's, is EXACTLY how I've felt for the last seven (wait, eight?) months. Wanting to have a kid and not doing a JIG when my period comes does not mean I'm uptight or in need of relaxation or that my feelings aren't completely valid and normal; it means I have an opinion when MEDICAL REASONS cause plans to go awry. People really should breathe deep and think through the things they say. Really the only thing that makes me uptight is other people being assholes.

Perhaps I need to put the champagne bottle down. Can you tell I relate to this subject ;)

You are certainly not alone. I get the "You will be such a great mom, it will happen at the right time etc.." on an almost daily basis. While I am thrilled for the 6th (?8th 10th?) friend who just called me to announce their upcoming weight gain....I sometimes wish that being babyless didn't feel so LONELY. I will love all their babies as I do the 5 babies born 2 years ago. I am "over the moon" (as the celebrities say ;)) for them. I would never say anything to them because I would not want them to hide their joys from me. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt sometimes. Sorry you have to deal with this - and that this comment is long and appears to be about me!

I love you lady. That is all.

Oh one more thing! You've such an amazing uterus, I secretly think it tries to turn all sorts of tissues and things into babies!

That's the story I went with for my miscarriages and damnit, I'm sticking to it. You're just too awesome at the babies.

Also, you're awesome.

baby making is hard work but rewarding (instantly -nudge nudge - and in the long term). I am not going to say any of that naff stuff about you being a good Mum - its true but I know you know it already hence the whole trying for one. What I will say is that pratcice makes perfect so I suggest you keep on practising and enjoying it for what its meant to be.

I just wanted to say that I think you rock in all manner of ways and the thoughtful and insightful way you go about handling things is something to aspire to. I hope you do whatever you feel is right at the time this weekend with your friends and tell anyone who gives you any "useful advice" to politely blow smoke out their ass or something along those lines!

Perhaps we can craft some proper responses to unsolicited advice. To start how about:

"Hey, wow, thanks for that. It's interesting, though, I've been doing some research and I just read a study that found conclusive evidence that unsolicited assvice is the number one cause of miscarriage in America. I thought that was so...true."

I'm pretty sure the universe delivers AT LEAST one, "just relax!" comment for every female trying to conceive. It's like some sort of rule. That makes us all want to poke the comment-giver in the eye with a stick.

On a related note, these are my favorite responses to the news that we're trying to have a baby:
1) "Are you SURE?"
and
2) "Make sure you really think about it first."

So, THAT is encouraging.

The "it'll happen" and "you'll make a great mom" comments don't hurt at all and are in fact really lovely to receive. Keep 'em coming! It's the comments like "relax," "stop trying so hard," and "your anxiety is creating a hostile uterine environment that babies don't like" that is making me angry (and that's a strong word because I don't anger easily). What those comments imply is that I'm doing something wrong and it's my fault things aren't working out. It's NOT my fault. I'm NOT doing anything wrong. And the key to conception is NOT magical thinking.

Most of all, what we've gone through so far is not in any way unusual or worrisome; it's not like we've tried to have kids for five years and nothing has worked. I got pregnant pretty much immediately; I experienced a miscarriage (which happens ALL THE TIME); and my body is still adjusting. I wouldn't even say we're "having trouble" so much as that our first try had an unfortunate outcome and that we're taking the necessary steps to learn from that and move on.

Oh darlin', I hate it when people say that kind of crap. It doesn't fucking help, does it?

I get the same "relax" comments about marriage and it makes me want to claw the eyes out of people who say it to me (who often speak from the post of comfortable smug marriedness). I don't know what's worse, people who say it to me without the slightest inkling of the cultural issues I am facing, or people from within my own culture. I'm going to go with fellow desis because they should frocking know better.

Of course, now that I've given up on partnerhood, it seems to have tailed off.

If I wouldn't simultaneously frighten you away with my mad 1992 puffy-paint skillz, I would totally make you a t-shirt that says "I AM! FUCKING RELAXED SO LAY OFF!"

And then I might make me one, too.