Go with the Flo
One thing they don't tell you is that menstrual cycles following a miscarriage are nearly as bad as the miscarriage itself. For one, they evidence that yet again--or still--you are not pregnant, and thus they dredge up all the crap that goes along with it, although "dredge" is inaccurate because it implies bringing up something from the depths rather than merely stirring around the gunk that remains always just below the surface.
The other thing that is similar between a miscarriage and a post-mc period is that both hurt like a motherfucker, so bad that you think you are going to die, or at least pass out from the sheer exhaustion of so much prolonged intense sensation right in the pit of your gut. This may have something to do with my body trying to regulate itself and prepare for a healthy and fertile future, or it may have to do with the baby aspirin I've been taking to allegedly thicken my uterine lining. That baby aspirin is in addition to the prenatals I've been on for six months and the B6 I'm taking as of Saturday, to allegedly lengthen my luteal phase, which appears to be dangerously short, a condition lovingly classified by the medical establishment as a "defect," as it both hinders implantation of a fertilized blastocyst and, if it's a symptom of low progesterone, is a known cause of first-trimester miscarriages. Yippee. To round out my over-the-counter self-medication, I'm looking for eye of newt and possibly something containing wormwood in an easy-to-swallow gelcap. Know any dealers?
What I'm saying is it's a fine, fine line between wishfulness and desperation, and voodoo has now been added to the list of things I'm willing to try.
And while we're talking about things that happen behind closed doors, I need to air two bits of info pertaining to the bathroom at my office. Firstly, they've replaced the frosted-glass window with a clear one that looks directly into the office of a coworker. He's a guy but a gay one, so no scandals are forthcoming, and yet I still find it offputting that the ladies of the office can watch him surf the web while he can watch us pick our teeth and check our zits in the bathroom mirror. That just doesn't seem right.
Secondly, guess what I saw floating in the toilet when I walked into the stall? A bandaid! A used bandaid. What the what? How did it get there? What happened to the wearer to require a bandaid in a place that would be proximal to the toilet? Does someone have a boo-boo on her behind? An owie on her out-system? I shouldn't judge because heaven knows I've been there myself, but I'm nevertheless having a hard time working amongst my officemates without eyeing every female one of them, wondering who has the sore nethers. Part of me may also be curious if perhaps a bandaid is the answer to fixing what is broken "down there," and if so, I will be following suit at my earliest opportunity.
Finally, since I'm way past salvaging this entry, I have a question for you. If you have recently had a baby, would it be awkward for you if your friends told you they had had a miscarriage? Not awkward in an "ew! TMI!" kind of a way but awkward in a "we don't know what to say and now we feel bad that our baby is making you sad" kind of way. In a few days we're going to visit some friends and their two-week-old daughter, and although they know we're on the baby train ourselves, they don't know about the miscarriage (the last time we saw them was about a week after it happened, and we felt weird springing it on them when it was so recent). The problem is that now that they know we're trying to have a kid, they ask about it every time we talk on the phone, and I'd really rather they didn't. I don't necessarily think that once they know about the miscarriage they'll stop asking, but I think maybe it will be good for them to know, just in general? I'm not sure why I think that, but I do. So what do you think? Do we say something or not? If you were them, would you rather just not know?
I have a luteal phase defect and I too am taking B6 and prenatal vitamins. I didn't know about the baby aspirin (stopping by Target after work today).
And I too took a little offense to the word "defect."
Miscarriages just really suck in every way imaginable. My periods were screwed up for months afterwards (though not as long as they were screwed up after having a live baby).
I think you should say something about it. You don't have to make it dramatic or anything, but if they ask you about your baby making say something about it. Maybe it will make them a little more sensitive (Lord knows it hasn't made my family any more sensitive, though).
I find that once it is mentioned in a group of women, almost every other mother and TTCers in the room chimes in with their miscarriage numbers.
*hugs*
And a clear window in the bathroom??? That's gross!
[HookedOnPhonics girl's voice]B6 worked for me![/HookedOnPhonics girl's voice]
Speaking as a non-parent, I think it would be fine to mention your miscarriage to the couple as a way to get them to lay off with the inquiries about your reproductive success.
Seriously: even if you hadn't had the miscarriage, that would be annoying.
She Likes Purple--The baby aspirin isn't for luteal phase defects specifically but for maximum uterine cushyness in general. Allegedly. It's also famous for eating up your insides, though, so I don't know if it's worth it or not...
And a clarification about the couple with the new baby: They aren't being rude or pushy or anything, they're just really excited for us. Plus, they don't seem to have many friends with kids, so when they found out we were on that path, they got super excited that we'd all be able to parent together. Also, it's kind of embarrassing to admit this, but part of me wants to tell them about the miscarriage just so they know that we're not having "no luck" but "bad luck." It shouldn't make a difference and yet it does, to me.
I am in the throes of getting my LPD treated/fully diagnosed and am likely going on progesterone and perhaps Clomid. Good times. The thing is -- and I know this is small consolation -- on the scale of infertility issues, an LPD is kind of like Infertility Lite. It's very treatable.
Have you been to the doctor with your suspicions?
Jonna--Oh, I know about this being Infertility Lite, believe me. Not a day goes by that I don't pull out the supplies for a raging pity party and then immediately bitch-slap myself back into reality because this, in the grand scheme, is No Big Deal. At least not yet, it isn't, and I really need to reserve the panic and pity for when I really need it, should I really need it.
I haven't been to the doc yet because I only have two months worth of charts (LP 8 and 10 days, respectively), and since I'm still only three months out from the MC, I suspect everything's still a little wacked out. In theory, I'm taking a break for two months (to avoid the dreaded Christmas baby), but I'll continue to temp and see what develops on the lutel phase front. B6 might work, might not. Progesterone cream is also available OTC, I think.
Silver lining: The longer I go without getting pregnant, the more chance I have of getting married sans maternity gown, HINT HINT.
I ... I think I'm getting suppositories. Hold me.
I used to think suppositories were the better alternative, but that was before I found out that the cream is rubbed not where you would expect (or a least where I would expect) but on the neck, chest, feet, back, arms, etc. That is obviously preferable to a suppository, supposing, of course, that the cream does not have a smell.
But hey, at least you're going to the source!
I suggest honesty. Something like... that question makes me uncomfortable; I will let you know when we have good news to share... Also, if you want to reveal about the mc, I'd imagine that your friends should be sensitive to that!
Good luck and best wishes.
As long as you feel comfortable with telling them about the miscarriage I think it should be fine. Obviously they're friends who are concerned and telling them might get them to stop asking all of the time.
Or you can act like you can't hear them and turn their attention to their really great end table or how great the wine is.
HB--We're certainly comfortable telling them, and the point of telling them is NOT to get them to stop asking because, frankly, of all the people who ask, they bother me the least. What is the point of telling them, then? I honestly don't know. That's why I'm confused.
Mostly I'm worried that I'm oversharing something they don't really NEED to know, and something they might wish they DIDN'T know. You know how sometimes someone reveals some big secret to you and you come out of the conversation wishing you didn't know about it because it's somehow now you're problem and responsibility? That's the sort of thing I don't want to happen; I don't want them to feel like they can't talk about babies and babymaking because they're afraid I'll feel bad. (Yes, I'll feel bad, but that's pretty much inevitable no matter who talks or doesn't talk about it. Believe me, I've tried NOT talking about it, and it doesn't make anything better.)
Wow.
Didn't have to go far in this post before I got to know more than I wanted....
Pretty much the same for the comments.
I only held on to add some generic words of support from the other side of the reproductive spectrum.
Take care
My brother - who has two children of his own - keeps asking me if we are going to try for a baby soon. Some part of me wants to tell him "yes, we're trying", but the frightened "what if it doesn't happen any time soom and he keeps asking, what will we say?" part of me keeps making up excuses to give us breathing space.
I'd tell your friends about the miscarriage. It'll give you a bit of air to get on with in - parts of trying are after all supposed to be fun... (Hereby admitting I sometimes forget that)
Drew--Yes, while some people find comfort in letting others know that they're trying but having difficulty, others would rather no one know about it so no one feels sorry for them, whether to their face or behind their back. I think I have one foot in each camp.
Sorry about the painful periods, that sucks.
Several months after friends of ours lost their baby at 22 weeks, we got pregnant and I was scared to death to tell them about it, I really didn't want to make them any sadder. But I think you should share with your friends if you're comfortable doing so. True friends would want to know anyways. :)
You know, I always remind myself in these scenarios that a friend can tell a friend anything, no matter how difficult.
I would tell them before the trip, maybe in a phone call?, so that everyone can have time to adjust.
If I were your friend, I'd want to know and I would admire you for telling me.
Heidi--That's exactly what I'm afraid of--them feeling uncomfortable talking about their baby because of me. I don't want anyone to feel like they have to tippytoe around me, especially about something so wonderful and exciting, for both them and me (because I'm happy they had a baby, duh). I don't want to be all "I had a miscarriage" and then have them think we need to stick to safe topics of conversation instead of cooing at the baby. This is why I think maybe I just shouldn't say anything at all...
Also, these friends aren't really "close" or "true" friends, so that makes the situation a little more iffy than if these were BFFs. Simon's known the girl since he was little, but we only reconnected with them last year, and we've only hung out with them maybe five or six times since then. Being that we have a pretty casual relationship, I wonder if I'm just overstepping the bounds of the friendship by sharing too much info that really doesn't have anything to do with them. I feel like I would be burdening them more than unburdening myself, which seems to be a point in favor of NOT telling.
The more I think about it, this is really about my ego more than it is about anything else. The only reason to tell them about the miscarriage is so they don't think (a) I'm barren or (b) we don't know how to have sex. Those are dumb reasons to bring up an uncomfortable and irrelevant-to-our-friendship topic; I think I'll just keep it to myself. (And write about it here ad nauseum instead! Woo!)
Blog epiphany! Hooray! I adore those. Especially when they come as I'm wracking my brain for some helpful comment to make. And, needless to say, coming up utterly blank.
Hey, have you guys given acupuncture a try? I feel it may be presumptuous of me to assume you haven't, but I thought I'd ask. I always think that as long as acupuncture is around, any little fertility challenges I may experience can be dealt with.
Also, even though it sounds from your last comment that you've made up your mind to some degree about whether to tell them, I thought I'd say that myy own experience with these things is that it's good to tell people who are not really close friends stuff like this together in as light a way as possible -- kind of, hey, here's a little something you may want to know -- acknowledging that it's been rough, but that you're hopeful and still cheerful and optimistic. This puts it out in the open and lets them know without you having to say it that maybe they want to stop asking so often, and also gives them an opening to acknowledge any difficulties they had that they overcame, you can too, etc., that maybe you didn't know about. Maybe something happened with them that can help? But at least it gets it out there, and if there's anything hanging in the air, your own happy, airy attitude can overcome that. "Anyway, enough about that, I know it will work out -- now, where's that nursery of yours?" I type this realizing that I may be more of a Pollyanna than I ever thought I was, so take this with a granule of extra sugary sugar.
Linda--I'm a Pollyanna myself, so I know of what you speak. :)
With these friends, though, there's really no reason they need to know. Telling them would be entirely selfish (i.e., it would be all about me) and it wouldn't really change anything, so what would be the point? I do agree, however, that it would be an excellent way to open up a conversation about fertility issues and/or the conception process, if that's what I were looking for. But that's not what I'm looking for; my community is online and it's doing a fine job so far. (Honestly, if our parents didn't read this website, I don't know that we would have even told them about the miscarriage, as the only thing it's done is make them worry and pester.) That said, though, your advice might be really helpful for someone else looking for that flesh-and-blood support; a lot of women don't talk about their miscarriages until someone else brings it up.
And no, I haven't tried acupuncture. We haven't been diagnosed with any particular issue yet, so it's entirely possible that everything is fine (or nothing that a little extra B6 won't help), so although I seem to be losing my cool and acting as if All Hope Is Lost, I'm really trying to remain calm and save the extraordinary measures (e.g., acupuncture, for me) for a time when I really need them. No use getting stuck through with needles unless I have to!
I would tell them, but only because I am pretty open with friends. I like all the support and information that comes with open discussion.
I saw in one of your comments that you are charting. I used Taking Charge Of Your Fertility to both NOT get pregnant and TO get pregnant.
Good for you for taking a break to skip the dreaded Christmas baby. I was so consumed after my miscarriage that I threw that plan out the window. Hence Graham's birthday is December 29th ;)
Angella--You charted to achieve/avoid pregnancy? I chart to make myself crazy! :)
In this case, though, I'm happy to say that more information is better than less. After all, if it turns out I do indeed have a luteal phase defect, I'll owe it all to charting.
I can't comment on the baby issue as I'm not a parent nor have I had a miscarriage. But I can tell you that I'm in the architecture field and where I live that bathroom door of yours is against code, no visible sight lines allowed. I have no idea what codes are in California but if it bothers you enough you might want to look into it.
As someone with a newborn, I'd feel like a total shithead if I asked about the occupancy status of your uterus and heard that you'd suffered a miscarriage.
Having said that, I'm not one to ask that sort of thing because a) I know it's a loaded question and b) it's nobody's dang business.
There's no guarantee that mentioning it will stop them From asking. It might just make things worse. I'd tell them and let them know that you're still hoping for a baby, working toward that goal and will let them know as soon as you have good news to share.
Wow. My longest comment ever and I only cussed once! Aren't you special?
hey leah - i don't really have an opinion one way or the other about telling your friends (or rather, i agree with both of your lines of thinking - i would want to tell for the same reason you do, and also wouldn't want to tell for the same reason) but i just wanted to chime in to send happy thoughts as far as all the charting and stuff goes. this is my second month charting as well and i'm still trying to figure it all out. it's bizarre to me that in SUCH a short time, i've totally programmed my brain to think "TAKE TEMPERATURE!" before i've even opened my eyes in the morning.
Heather--Making these sweet, wonderful, delerious-with-newborn-love-and-not-sleeping people feel like shitheads is exactly what I want to avoid. Especially since the miscarriage was in December and they've asked about our procreation status three or four times since then. I don't want them to think back on all of that and feel like jerks (even though I don't think they're jerks). I just think that bringing it up is going to open up a completely stupid can of worms and will at best dissolve into a festival of apology ("No, I'm sorry," "No, I'm sorry!") and I just don't have any interest in that.
Thank you for answering my question by putting yourself in the parent-of-a-newborn position (and so convincingly, with a real live newborn and everything!).
I think as a friend it would feel equally sad to hear such news regardless of whether or not I was holding a squirming, farting newborn at the time. I totally understand your position, though -- getting myself into the I'm sorry No I'M sorry NO IT IS ME WHO IS THE SORRY ONE state is something I'm humiliatingly good at.
I think if I were them I would want to know. They seem like close enough friends to value the honesty despite possible awkwardness/sadness, etc..
I am late into the conversation but just wanted to say that a close friend of mine (much closer I believe than these friends of yours, not because I know them or you, but from what you have said previously - you get what I mean right?!?) decided not to tell me about her miscarriage for the same sorts of reasons, I was a bran new mum, consumed with love for my child etc and then when I did find out (she told me a few months later) I felt like a total heel for a couple of reasons. It hurt that a close friend thought I would be too caught up in my own excitement and joy to stop for a moment and give a damn about her, but also because I had been so insensitive with my comments about how she would make a great Mum too and would she like to have a hold to get some practice etc.
So, I think you need to see how the weekend goes, if there are lots of comments along those lines, maybe you need to just mention that as desperate as you are to follow suit and procreate, you guys are having a few issues so you will let them know. I am SO much more sensitive to these kinds of things post baby than I ever was pre.
Confusing, yes, well intentioned, definitely!
Leah - I feel like you are writing the story of my reproductive history, and the timing is uncanny. I thought I was the only one going through these insane awful never ending periods. I seriously feel as though I have had a period for almost 8 weeks now since the miscarriage. My cycle is so whacked out, I'm not even sure what to call cycle day 1. I don't get very far (about three weeks this time) before I get my period again. Another thing that is bothering me? My poor achy cervix.
I pop in here frequently hoping for good news... like if it happens for you then maybe I can get pregnant again, too. Good luck Leah!
I'm going to go against the comment flow here and suggest that somebody maybe had the bandaid on a different body part (something harmless and perfectly normal, like their finger, or knee) and decided to remove it whilst they were in the bathroom, and just dropped it in the loo as a method of disposing of it... That's what I would be telling myself anyway...
I'm following Kathie's new comment flow, only because I have nothing to add regarding the first 1/2 of your post:
But, have you thought that maybe someone swallowed the bandaid? OK, maybe I'm the only one laughing, and too hard at that.
I'd tell them about the miscarriage. And from the other side, I'd definitely want to know. Sure, I'd feel bad, but I'd feel bad for YOU...and I'd be grateful to know what was up so that I didn't put my foot in it with future comments/questions. But of course, I'm not a parent of a newborn, so there's that.
I thought I posted my comment...but maybe I didn't? Oh, well - at any rate - if I was your friend, I'd want to know. But I'm not a new parent, so I don't really have that perspective. I'd just want to be aware of your situation so I didn't inadvertently say something insensitive, you know?
I would feel bad, but as your friend, I would want to know about the miscarriage. I'd hate if my friend didn't tell me and I made some faux pas that made her feel even worse about the miscarriage. New babies are in-your-face kinds of things, but since you are going to visit them, I assume you are managing your grief in a way that allows you to take joy in their new bundle.
Best wishes.
Can you give more info on the short cycles? Suddenly curious here...