Yomamaween Mahumbatumbele
This week in my world:
Two more babies born (not counting J. Lo's)
Two more babies due
And four more--count 'em!--pregnancy announcements
It just keeps coming around again, like the scary black bear on the merry-go-round. Or more accurately, keeps coming up again, like a bad burrito. Anyone have a Pepto? I think I'm going to be sick.
(The worst part is that on the flip side of being happy for everyone else, really, I am also jealous and bitter and hateful. To the newly pregnant especially I have the urge to email them that I was once six weeks pregnant too and look how great it turned out for me, so they should not count their chickens/prematurely feather their nests, etc. And that? Is NOT NICE. Bitter bitter grumblecakes.)
At least I have my health, right? Or at least I have my health for now. Ever since we got home from vacation, Simon has been sick in bed with a cough, a fever, the chills, and creepy-crawly skin. Today was the first day since Monday he (1) wore pants and (2) left the house--thank goodness both at the same time. Although he's on the mend, and although we've studiously avoided tongue-kissing and sharing needles and toothbrushes this week, I do wonder if I'm asking for it just by sleeping in the same room, let alone in the same bed, let alone smashed up next to him every night. I like to imagine that I have some magical caretaker immunity which allows me to safely bring him juice and soup, and to sleep with my forehead pressed against his, without the protection of a facemask and surgical gloves, but who am I kidding? I'll probably be deathly ill by tomorrow morning, spending my final hours composing wry autobiographical headstone couplets while Simon repeatedly falls to his knees and wails "What have I done?! Lord, what have I done?!" He will drown his sorrows in MSNBC political commentary (easier on the liver than booze), and then pick up the pieces and start a new life with 75 percent less exposure to second-hand self-pity. My headstone couplet will make passersby chuckle for centuries.
Before my untimely demise, however, I would like to address the matter of our sleeping arrangements. Simon likes to complain about how I crowd him at night, and although I don't dispute it in fact, I dispute it in character. I'm not "crowding" him, per se, but "snuggling" him. Showing him how much I care. Showing him how much he is loved and adored. Showing him how much space two cats take up on a double bed when they both accordion to full length on my side with one or the other of their pink ends looking me square in the kisser. It ain't love, baby; it's kibble either on the way in or the way out. You'll learn all about it when I'm gone.
Finally, because this blog is as much a permanent record for me as it is a circus sideshow for you, Linus's new nickname is Yomamaween Mahumbatumbele, which, now that I think about it, will also be a good backup, after supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, for the next time someone shares their happy news and I can't think of anything to say besides "Bitch."
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UPDATE: FIVE preg announcements this week now, counting my former-lesbian cousin, who got married last July. If the flu doesn't kill me, surely this will.
"It ain't love, baby; it's kibble either on the way in or the way out."
Ha! Cats are just good comedy. However, imaginary cat scenarios (see: little red wagon pulled by sullen, one-eyed cat) might be more palatable (and hygienic) than Actual Cat bodily functions. So it may be wrong of me to laugh at you. But I think I'm doing it anyway.
My thoughts are with you as, I agree, everyone else is pregnant.
WITH you. I'm laughing WITH you.
Show me 2 people who claim to have no sleeping arrangement angst and I'll show you 2 LIARS.
I'm always freezing at night so I snuggle up to my fella for warmth. Except for some strange reason, I'm radiating waves of heat (while simultaneously losing feeling in my fingers and toes.) It leads to nasty 2am arguments about which is worse - to feel too cold or too warm. Gah.
Oh yeah, I've been there, both the not-pregnant hate machine while being totally happy for my friends at the same time and the sleeping angst. Although as for the sleeping I'm more like Simon and prefer my hubby stay on his side of the bed. A few months ago I woke to him violently coughing right into my face. Whatever Simon has, my money is on you getting it too.
This is why I highly doubt I will ever be able to sleep with another person peacefully on a regular basis; because of the cuddling and the need to be right on top of the other person. Ugh. I'm with Simon on this one (but you KNOW I love you lots). I just hate being crowded when I sleep. I like having my room. I suppose this means I'm destined to a life alone, now doesn't it?
AAAAA! I'm not generally superstitious, but feeling bad feelings toward pregnancy is not a good way to get the universe on your side in that arena. I'm making little magical gestures all around you. She didn't mean it! She didn't mean it! She has no such feelings, and if she does she will SUPPRESS THEM *looking pointedly at you* from now on.
Paul and I have that same crowding/cuddling dispute, except he's the cuddler and I call it "oppressing."
Oh my God, it's the dreaded Man Cold (someone sent me a YouTube video after Simons' last bout). Yea gods, it was like living in a typhus ward. And while I blithely fetched him soup and cold compresses, crossing fingers against catching it myself, I only found out a week later that the ungrateful git was using my toothbrush the whole time. *harumphs bitterly*
Oh, and I totally feel your friend-baby pain. Last month, 4 friends had babies (boy, girl, boy, girl) and two more are due in the next month. That is SOOOO much baby knitting. By the time I have one, my fingers will have fallen off, and it will have to wear a trashbag.
Oh, please. Don't you worry about trying to turn off your emotions, Leah. 1) You know it's not as easy as flipping a switch, 2) magical thinking will not prevent you from having a healthy baby and 3) sometimes it helps to get this stuff out, no matter how ugly. You're doing just fine, even if it's hard.
I am in the same boat around here. Since having a m/c a few months back, nine (yes, NINE) people that I interact with on a weekly basis have announced their pregnancies. That is not including half the mother's in the preschool class that I no longer want to attend because looking at all those pregnant ladies is starting to make me physically ill and it has become quite obvious that pregnancy is not contagious, but how I wish it was.
If I have to hear "everything happens for a reason" or "it will be your time soon" one more time I am likely to go mental. Of course now I sound like an angry old bag when in reality I am happy for all these people and their growing uteri, but more so I just want it to be mine that was growing.
oh man. YOU kill ME. why can't I be as funny as you... bitch.
"I am also jealous and bitter and hateful. "
That sentence is a prime example of why I LOVE your blog!!
Ah, Leah. I've noticed that just when one decides one wants something, and is attmepting to get/ achieve/ have that thing, it seems that EVERYONE ELSE IN THE WHOLE FREAKING WORLD HAS WHAT YOU WANT. And then, perhaps, one's thoughts go to, "And why can't *I* have that thing? Like, right now? Like all those other people who have it RIGHT NOW?"
You know that saying, "Patience is a virtue"? Yeah, sometimes that phrase can just go suck it.
Thank you thank you thank you again for expressiong more eloquently than I ever could regarding new pregnancies in your circle. Jesus! My brother-in-law and his bitchy wife (she really is a bitch and not just b/c she's pregnant) just announced the impending little miracle, number 2 for them in 2 years. Grrr...my husband politely reminded me to be HAPPY for them..GRRR...
AND he has the flu too. I've sprayed more Lysol, swallowed more vitamins, washed my hands until they are red and sore and still somehow I think I'll catch it. We sleep close too. I'll try to remember to stop sharing needles for the next few days though.
I've noticed the everyone-is-pregnant thing too and it stings me in a totally different way.
I know you and Simon will have the Cutest Baby in The Universe one day, and I can't wait to meet him.
I relate. EVERYONE had a baby every single place I looked.
It's hard to not feel like a bitch when you are picturing shaving all their hair off and tatooing "Wench" all over their radient, glowey face.
Sigh.
I so wish I had a former lesbian cousin. I have only two first cousins, both guys.
Although, I've always wondered about Brian ...
And, uh, DOUBLE BED? Are you crazy?
We don't have enough room on our queen bed for independent sleepage. Get thee to Mattress Giant, or Sleep Experts, or whatever annoying bed place you've got out there. Go up at least a size!
Goddamn! That sick sleepy shit is sexy. Just kidding.
Oh Leah.....I am sending lots of good thoughts and baby-making energy your way!!!
Hehe, my boyfriend is a crowder too. We have two 3 feet wide mattresses, but he has gradually moved over to mine and piled his own side full of stuff (ie clothes and books) so that he has no other "choice" than too sleep on top of me.
At first I was annoyed and had him move back to his side, but now I have gotten used to it, and it actually feels a bit empty and sad when he works the night shift and is not gently crushing me with his affection.