A Girl...

I understand far too well what you are going through. *hugs*

Here's to fertility icons, Leah.

I know someone who miscarried fairly early on and had...some test done. I don't know the name of it. It was to find out why exactly she miscarried. Anyway, that test also showed the gender. I didn't know they could do that!

Crossing my fingers for you! I totally donate money to my gym every month too. Sometimes, I think I should just stop by to see what new equipment they've purchased on my dime(s)! ;)

I hear you on all fronts, of course. And there's the whole issue of moving to Vermont and needing to buy new winter wear and I can't help but feel (hope?) that it would be POINTLESS, of course. Then again, maybe I should jinx myself by buying new winter wear that I won't be able to wear until two winters from now, ergo, wasting all the money on that winter wear.

Also, I spied one or two of those women on those message boards, too. It sort of freaked me out that honestly, if I didn't know better, I would read it that they lost an live-born child, perhaps of the age of two or three. At first, my heart broke for them and then I was a little ... a little creeped out, and I know that might make me seem insensitive, but then again, I, uh, kind of ... well, no. Part of me wonders if perhaps it's hindering the grieving process more than it's actually helping.

Jonniker: Yes, right after I felt creeped out, I felt bad, like I was the weird one. I guess I, personally, have just found it more helpful to disconnect from the proto-person (although I know several other women who have needed to process the miscarriages as the loss of an actual baby in order to grieve and let go). For me, it was never about THAT baby but about the idea of it. I guess I just can't say I had "bonded" with anything in those three weeks of knowing I was pregnant.

But still...Naming your first-trimester miscarriage? Maybe what it comes down to is that if I were SO SURE of my child's name that I felt comfortable calling it that at week nine, I think I'd want to save the name for when I have an actual, live child. But maybe that's just me.

Dotty: Very interesting. Personally, I'm glad I didn't find out the gender, or even see the heartbeat, as that would have made the whole thing worse, I'm sure. Actually, that's probably why I didn't feel like there was any real bond there--knowing too well what can happen, I refused to believe it was going to stick until we actually saw a heartbeat (I mc'd four days before my appt.). I told Simon we couldn't buy any baby stuff until we were sure there was something growing in there, because for all I knew it was an empty sac. Aren't I little miss sunshine?

Confession time: I don't even want kids yet, but sometimes I really really hope that I'm accidentally pregnant so I won't have to worry about being fat, for just a little while longer. I'm horrible, I know.

Posts like this one is why I love you so. You run with an intelligent theme, speak honestly about your life and experiences, and make me feel like we're talking about this stuff over a cup of coffee in your living room.

I just heart you.

one thing that helped motivate me go to the gym was having a goal beyond "losing weight" or "getting in shape". . . specifically i started doing triathlons (but even a 5k or 10k would give you something to work for). . . and before you dismiss this suggestion, the thing to remember about triathlons is that the sprint-distance ones are *totally* doable. . . i did the pleasanton tri-for-fun ones and i remember even seeing a few kids who couldn't have been more than 9 or 10 years old doing 'em. . .

It is SO hard to get motivated during the winter. Of course, this does not stop me from thinking every morning that TONIGHT will be different, and TONIGHT I won't just want to hide under a blanket from 5pm till bedtime. Hope springs eternal. As does my growing winter ass.

Sorry about the post-mc range of emotions you're going through. I know it can't be made any easier by all the pregnancy/birth news. The morning after my last negative test, my friend emailed me all "GUESS WHAT?!?" and I'm ashamed to admit my first reaction was "oh HELL no."

I started working out during my lunch hour (we have a little gym in the basement of our building so that helps the matter out considerably.) Do you feel you could manage a workout or a brisk walk during the lunch hour (that is if you have one? I know some people do not get a dedicated lunch hour in their jobs...) It has helped me with the timing issues (ie: get out of bed NOT happening and after work = exhausted and no desire to do any sweating for any given reason.) I usually eat lunch before or after the workout at my desk while doing work. It works. Just a thought!

That is creepy about the miscarriage naming the baby during the 1st trimester thing. I have seen that before too and was WAY weirded out by it. Perhaps I am not entitled to an opinion having never had the experience but I know enough people who have and it is hard any way you look at it & every one deals with it differently I suppose...

one of the things that i have to do in order to exercise is to always have my gym bag packed and with me. i cannot go home and get comfortable other wise i would never leave the house again. :)

Wishing you well. I found it so frustrating to be overwhelmed with all the baby stuff after I had my mc. I hope that things get easier and go the way you wish they would ;)

I tried losing weight before getting pregnant and instead managed to gain 10 lbs. I did, however, get in shape--if that makes any sense. By the time I was pregnant, I had good stamina and I was strong from lifting weights. I continued to exercise through my pregnancy until the end of my 8th month. (I'm now in week 38.) I believe it's the reason I've had the world's easiest pregnancy. No back pain, hip pain, knee pain, marginal ankle swelling, no constipation, little heartburn, etc. I've also managed to only gain 15 lbs so far with the pregnancy (which is fine as I'm already carrying extra).

Most of the women on the forum I read have been complaining about all sort of discomforts since week 20. None of them have done any exercise since the stick showed a pink line. Coincidence? Maybe.

Also, with my first pregnancy, which I miscarried, I had horrendous nausea. It would wake me up from a deep sleep and send me sprinting to the toilet. It SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKED.

This pregnancy? No nausea at all ever. Just mild food aversion. Proves that every pregnancy is different for everyone.

I hear ya on everything you said. I wanted my tummy to be flat again but just. could. not. get up the energy since I knew we were going to try for baby. I thought, why do all that work if it's all going to have to come off after anyway?

Also, being, um, with child, I spend a lot of time on BabyCenter and there are a lot of women on my board who have miscarried. I totally think the fetus-naming and making-of-fancy-siggy-memorials is weird and maybe counter-productive, but again, never having had an MC, I guess I can't relate. I mean, I'm 31 weeks and I feel weird calling our boy by his name.

Well, I actually do run in the mornings before work before the sun is up.. I leave work after the sun is down and I come home and can only think of FOOD and stuff myself whilst lying on the couch with my dog and husband watching awful TV and wonder the next morning why my clothes aren't fitting properly. I always hope that it's that I'm pregnant.. it's been 3 months already since the pill! but the pee stick says otherwise. I would love an excuse as to why I am craving ice cream, nachos and indian.. if only. So I feel your pain.

Oh and I did see on the Today show last week that if you want to get pregnant start taking Folic acid because it really helps. So I bought some Sunday, no luck so far. Maybe next week.

Amanda--Not coffee. Blech. But how about some homemade mint tea?

Bloopy--Yeah, when Simon did the Tri for Fun, I thought, "I can TOTALLY do that!" But triathlons are definitely not for me. Gettin in swim practice would be impossible, and the last thing we need in the house is another bike. I have been thinking about Bay to Breakers, though...

Christina--I work through lunch, so that's a no-go. Plus, I can't imagine coming back to work all sweaty. Ew.

Sonnie--That used to work for me when I had an easy commute, but now I think it's one of the things that stopping me from going. Hauling even more stuff to and from the office everyday fills me with dread.

Hue--You know I think you rock--I've never known someone so dedicated to working out. Didn't you get up at like 5 am every morning to go to the gym? I know in my head that the best way to have a fit and healthy pregnancy is to be fit and healthy BEFORE the pregnancy, but I still just can't find the time/motivation.

Andrea--I've been on prenatals since September, so my folic acid is more than covered.

I may be in "shape," meaning able to run, hike and lift weights, but I'm also 40 lbs overweight. So don't be too impressed. :)

40 lbs. overweight and what, eight months pregnant? *eye roll* Seriously, though, what I'm impressed with is your dedication. I know a lot of women think being pregnant means they should sit around and eat cheetos all day, but you're going on hikes. I want to be like that when I grow up! Actually, I would just like to be able to run up a flight of stairs without keeling over.

I'm just wondering why you're wearing a winter coat in the first place. It's been ridiculously warm this week for February, and I love it!

Oh, and I totally get your workout drift. I'm running the SF Marathon in August and have been putting off the training -- until today! Today begins an all new me. I've thrown out all the junk food in the cupboard, joined a yoga studio, now if I could just locate my dusty running shoes...

This isn't warm for February here. Usually we get a sweet spring heatwave about this time--70 degrees and the blossoms pop. All I've felt is freezing wind lately.

No advice from me. I'm still carrying "baby weight" and my wife was the one who gave birth.

Sure, I'm loving myself in my 30s. Just hatin' that there's a little more of me to love.

It sounds from your description like I have more of a weight problem than you. But I've been on Weight Watchers for seven months and in that time I've lost 60 pounds. And one of my big motivators has been the idea of getting pregnant someday soon (although, both fortunately and unfortunately, not quite as soon as you). But because I have/had such a weight issue, I have been keenly in tune with all the studies about healthy weight=healthy pregnancy, it being easier to lose the baby weight if you started from a healthy weight to begin with, etc. And also, I have a fear of not being able to fit into maternity clothes when I'm pregnant, because do those come in plus sizes? I have no idea.

I do feel what you're talking about, though. When you know (or hope) that you're about to start gaining weight, it is hard to feel motivated to try to lose it. Good luck.

Believe me, if there's one sure-fire way to get pregnant, it's just to get to a point where you're like "actually, I'm quite happy with my figure right now..." because then the universe will laugh in your face, get you pregnant and send you flying off your bicycle, breaking your elbow in the process, all within one week, just to let you know that pride (in the fact that you can run 8km, for example) does indeed come before a fall, and 9 months of rapid weight gain.... Or wait, that might just have been me...

I am a fairly long time lurker and I am de-lurking to tell you that reading your blog has helped me in the recovery of my recent miscarriage, which was one month ago, at 11 wks pregnant. I really understand all of the feelings and stages you are discribing - you are not alone!
This past weekend I had a surpise visit from one of my best friends, who just told me that she is pregnant, and is 2 weeks further along than I would have been. Ouch. The realization that we would have been pregnant together and our babies would have been so close in age really hurts.
And your comment about it getting worse before it gets better is exactly where I am at right now. I feel more sad now than I did in the first week.
So this weekend I have a party to go to where I will also have to encounter another pregnant friend and I am nervous about going because my whole reason for going is to be distracted from thinking about the miscarriage... and I know that being around pregnant friends does not help with the distraction factor. At least I can drink. lots.
As for the whole naming of the miscarried baby idea, it's not for me either, but one thing I have learned from this grieving process is that it is very personal and very real. As long as we are being honest with ourselves, I feel that each of us needs to do whatever it takes to get through the process. So I think we have to be careful not to assume anything about what is healthy or right for other people.
So hang in there Leah. You WILL have a healthy baby, and so will I.

(Hey - Lindsay! You're here too! (Leah - Lindsay is C's cousin and one of the coolest women I know. We used to hang out and drink red wine and talk about sex and get our hubbies embarassed before C and I moved to Scotland.)).

Leah - I haven't had a miscarriage but we did lots of problems in the first trimester with D and I was in and out of the hospital for emergency checks and all I could think of was "please let me feel sick" so I sort of know what you mean. I didn't relax until we were past 27 weeks. So when you worry in your next pregnancy I'll keep my fingers crossed that it'll be as unfounded as mine turned out to be.

And I was in great shape before my first pregnancy and spent the entire nine months in absolute discomfort - hips, back, ligaments, swelling, all of it - being in shape does not guarantee an easier time of things. I'm convinced it's totally random so don't beat yourself up about getting into shape pre-pregnancy if it's not what you want to do. I didn't bother to before trying the second time.

I am thinking of you and crossing my fingers...

i'm a perinatal fitness trainer, so it feels like i should have something helpful to say, but really i just think this, especially, is a case of doing what feels right even if that's chocolate and naps and sausages.
i think the body knows how to take care of itself, and sometimes NOT moving and running and exercising is the healthiest. yeah, i say that as a personal trainer, but i see it in myself and my clients and think it works. stillness brings clarity-- cheesy and vague and airy-fairy as it sounds...