A Girl...

Oh Leah. So sorry you're having to deal with this so soon after the miscarriage. I do think it's time to call it quits - uninvited, unprompted comments like hers affect you both, and gods willing, when you are pregnant and deserve to be basking in the happiness that invites, and all the planning and scheming, do you really want to have this on your collective plates as well? I appreciate Simon's history but she's not even being particularly nice to him any more.

Oh, man. What a mess. When this chick says YOU'RE not ready for kids, what she really means is SHE'S not ready for you to have kids, because you having a baby with Simon means she will have even less control over his relationship with you, and - presumably - his patience with her shit-head antics will grow dramatically thinner until it runs out altogether. And she doesn't want that. Because she is a CONTROL. FREAK. Who really needs to mind her own beeswax already.

...said the girl commenting on a situation involving people she has never met. Ahem.

But you ASKED! So here's my 2 cents:

I really think this is a situation where Simon's going to have to cut her loose. I know it's hard (and I know from toxic friendships), but he's going to have to lay it out for her and tell her that - unless she's willing to keep things civil and butt out of the personal stuff - he doesn't want to hear from her anymore.

Seriously, my friend. You do not need this stress. You're coming off a miscarriage & are trying to get pregnant, and the last thing you need is this drama. I think you've been more than patient. I have some friends whose significant others are not my favorite folks in the world, but they are the person that my friend chose, and that's that.

Good luck; I know this is tough.

And I understand the position you're in, Leah, and how frustrating it can be. I have been the subject of plenty of vitriol spewed by Will's female readership, possibly friends (anonymous emails), and exes.

I could write a kind, thoughtful, hopefully sensitive comment, but your other readers will offer you that, methinks.

I can understand why she had issues with you before - NOT saying they're right, but I know (some) of the history.

But if she hasn't let it go AND calls Simon to comment on an obviously difficult time for the two of you? That's not a friend.

Simon, sack up and cut the bitch loose. Pronto.

Whether or not you choose to tell S that said "friends" need to hit the road is up to you and I, honestly, don't have any feelings on it one way or another. The method of this wouldn't be my primary concern.

As his partner, you are within your rights to insist that he make it clear to his friends that you ARE his chosen partner, and deserving of respect.

I know I would make it very clear to friends and family, once I choose a husband, that he is deserving of their consideration, courtesy and an extension of general human decency. And if they are unable to comply with this (incidentally, VERY reasonable) request*, I would cut them out. I mean, my parents have done as much to their toxic siblings.

Honestly, my friends are only my friends as long as they act that way. There are small spats that occur in any normal relationship, and then there are routine patterns of unconscionable behaviour. I would never subject someone I intended to spend my life with to the latter.

Family is more difficult and harder for me to wrap my mind around, because my parents themselves have had such poor relationships with their originating famiilies due to toxic behaviour, and thus, have consciously made the effort not to act like that and drive their own children away. That said, my child's father would come first. Despite our heathen status,we seem to be biblically prone to cleaving unto one's spouse.

Best of luck.

*(this is unlikely to happen, I don't have psycho friends, am highly boring and stable myself, and my family is so awesome it's downright ridiculous)

Catherine--As far as I'm concerned, she hasn't been particularly nice to him for several years now. Now that I think about it, I'm not sure what he's even getting out of the relationship, aside from occasional glimpses into the lives of people he used to be really close with.

Jive Turkey--You're right--it's that SHE's not ready for us to have kids yet (and never will be, for that matter), but I also wonder what difference that makes anyway since she never even sees us! I don't think it's about her being a control freak so much as immature and nosy. Simon has already given her several guidelines and ultimatums, but she just doesn't get it. The hard part is that I don't think she's trying to be evil, I just think that she's so wrapped up in herself that she can't fathom how expressing her own opinions could be affecting other people in a negative way. I used to be like that too--then I turned eleven. Ha!

Oh dear. I agree completely with both of the above comments about this woman. I also have to add that you are obviously much more generous and caring and forgiving than I am. When John's best friend and planned best man in our wedding wrote him a letter detailing all the reasons he shouldn't marry me, I would have gone crazy if John hadn't basically cut off what little contact there still was. So, kudos to you for being strong and loving!

As for Simon, I think it's probably been healthy so far for you and him to let him deal with this woman how he wants to. He obviously still cares about the friendship, or he would be reaching out to try to make contact with her. However, I think there's a fine line between trying to maintain a friendship and giving someone an "in" that they no longer deserve.

I agree that the comments about you can just roll off your back. But at this point, she's making comments about Simon, as well. And about the child you had created together. That, my friend, is a big fat line line that just should not even be toed. I think you would totally be in line to tell Simon the time has come. He may not choose to do so, and that's between him and you, but if ever there was a time to give advice, gently, from the person he loves the most, this is it.

You, neither of you, need this woman even peripherally in your lives, and she clearly needs to move along and grow up. The best way for all involved is to cut ties.

I wish you luck, and lots of support! *hugs*

Slackmistress--You're totally right, the history does have a lot to do with it, but there are still good, constructive, sensitive, mature, unselfish ways to deal with that, and she couldn't even pretend to be understanding. The worst part is that she made it all about her, which just baffles me.

I'm pretty sure that in your cases the bitches were just jealous. ;)

I second my wife's (Slackmistress)advice, cut em loose.

I kind of, sort of know what you're going through. Although, obviously, not completely.

And as much as I wanted to tell Mike he couldn't talk to her--it was hurting our relationship--I just couldn't. And he eventually got there on his own (as it usually goes). I don't think even the strongest of histories can take what she's doing to their relationship and it would seem it's just a matter of time before the door is FINALLY closed.

She sounds awful. Hating you without ever KNOWING YOU? And if she really hated you, why does she read your site? What is that doing for her? What is THAT?

She's immature, ridiculous, clearly out of touch. She's horrible for putting a strain on their friendship when all she had to do was meet you, be civil, learn a thing or two and try to be friendly. She never had to be your best friend. But as an adult, she handled this ALL wrong.

And SHE is ruining their friendship, probably permanently. I'm sure Simon knows how you really feel and how hard it is on you. And it's probably equally hard on him. But I'm also sure that your lives will be rid of her soon enough.

You are in his life 100 percent. How does she ever expect to sustain a friendship with him when she refuses to accept 100 percent of his life?

I hope she does read this and realizes that by not supporting Simon and not giving him enough credit to respect his choices, she's going to forever lose someone that's probably 10x the person she is.

She Likes Purple--Just to clarify, she has met me--she was part of the group of friends I met Simon through in the first place. Her hatred is only 10 percent about me and 90 percent about the situation, which is why her judgment of me is irrelevant. She's just reacting without actually thinking. My problem is her total lack of regard for Simon's feelings; that is NOT COOL.

I think the time to show this woman the door was probably long ago, but since it hasn't already been done ...NOW is the time.

After a certain point, I absolutely think it's disrespectful to you (whether intended or not) for that so-called friendship to continue when she is nothing but hateful toward you and your relationship.

I also see her as wanting to somehow control Simon, which is bizarre in its own right and not something either of you need in your life, especially not right now.

I actually had a very close friend dump me when she disapproved of a relationship change in my life, too. (Although she just dumped and ran; she didn't continue to harass me as this woman has done). I find that sort of behavior to be so revealing about the other person -- that they can sit in judgment of anyone else and want somehow to inflict pain just because things aren't how they would like them to be.

That woman doesn't deserve either of you.

Lawyerish--That's the thing--I don't think she was trying to inflict pain on purpose, at least with regards to the miscarriage thing. I think she really is just short-sighted and selfish and doesn't think about the consequences of what she's saying.

I find it equal parts upsetting and laughable that she has refused to be a part of our lives (coming to parties, etc.) but that she feels it well within her right to tell us what she thinks about our decision to have kids. Disconnect, anyone?

Wow, that is some drama. Dude, I would SO cut em loose!

I have to say that the junior high school girl in me would say go kick some ass but that would make a bad situation worse. Can I kick their asses for you?!?!?

And seriously I mean I have not been reading your blog that long so I do not know your "history" whatever that may be but WTF?!?! If someone ever even thought to talk my husband this way most especially way back when he was "just" by boyfriend or SO, I would have been pissed.

In fact someone did that to me and I was pissed but I also just let him decide BUT I guess looking back I am made him make a decision and he did. He choose me over her. As he should have - she did not care about him, she just liked being in control of other men while she had a serious bf "at home" who she eventually married.

It all sounds very petty and OMG I hope these women feel embarrassed by doing this and really just grow up!

We have absolutely reached the point where you should not feel bad about telling Simon she has to go.

She is toxic. Cut her loose.

While I have not been in the same situation (Thankfully!), I did have a toxic friend of mine in my early twenties.

We were "best friends" for years, but she would get mad at me for things that had nothing to do with me and I was always saying sorry to keep the peace.

A situation came up where a mutual friend lied about a situation and my "best friend" chose to ignore our history and not believe me.

I cut her loose.

And never looked back.

Time to break it off. Once she started attacking you in that manner, it would totally be over. She doesn't have to like you, but she also doesn't need to disrespect what Simon has with you. The woman obviously has no concept of "friendship". I'm sorry she was so nasty about the miscarriage. That was completely uncalled for.

She needs to meet the curb with her face. And Simon needs to do the planting of his foot in her ass to get her there.

Friendships are two-way streets. Both parties have to be getting something out of it, otherwise it's most like a drain. I once read that the first thing you learn as a parent is to cut off the toxic relationships you should have left behind a long time ago. Cuz guess what? As a parent you'll have even less time to deal with bullshit like hers.

It can be really rough cutting things off with someone you've got a lot of history with - but there does seem to be a degree of wishful thinking on Simon's part here. It's great that he's the one choosing to act like one o' them, y'know, whaddayacallit, "adults" in this situation, but based on your description, it doesn't seem to be making any difference. Like Yogi Berra said, "If people don't want to come to the ballpark, how are you going to stop 'em?"

Speaking of Simon, tell him to call me - tonight, if possible! Does that boy ever check his messages?

Leah, I don't have any great advice on the different ways to deal with this... but I do know that "friends" don't treat their friends that way. I'd say it's time for Simon to tell this woman that she's way out of line and that he's had enough. If she can't accept Simon's relationship with you and she can't grow up when it comes to respecting other human beings then she has no more place in his life or yours. This is an obvious case of a one-sided friendship, no matter the history and it will continue or get worse the longer it goes on. That is not a person who is enhancing either of your lives so it's time to let it go.

You have decided to have a child with Simon, that is more of a commitment than marriage these days. That commitment is more important than any friendship that has turned sour (and the moment that friend did not accept you, it began to turn bad). Plain and simple.

Agreed, girl has got to go! If I were in your situation my inclination would definitely be to tell Simon to kick her to the curb, but at the same time, you don't want to be THAT GIRL who has to give the ultimatum.

I guess the question is: does Simon see all of this the same way as you, and if so, what's keeping him tied to this chick?

And is it possible that she is in love with Simon herself?

Good luck, chica! ;)

Uuuuugh. Blogs can be so messy sometimes... it's tough to know where/what to say and respond to those real-life lurkers.
I can't really speak from experience regarding this specific issue but I trust you and Simon will handle it appropriately.

Enough of all the psycho-baloney. She is a witch, Simon is a wimp and you have caught the wimp germ from him. Tell Simon to tell this witch to bug off - or else. If you have a line of communication with this evil harridan, Tell her you will pull every hair from her head if she ever speaks or otherwise approaches YOUR Man. I am saying to stop sniveling and end this situation NOW.

Rosalicious--She's not in love with him, she was just too invested in his relationship with his ex and can't accept that's is SO OVER. If she wasn't hating on me, she'd be hating on whoever else he was with; that's why I don't take it personally.

I think Simon keeps her around because he, like me, believes in the virtue of forgiveness and acceptance. I've been on board with that all along, but considering that this woman has never made a move to get over herself, and has not, to my knowledge, apologized for the threats and namecalling of several years ago, methinks she's overstayed her welcome.

Ralph Leonard--Sink to her level? I think not.

Is Simon getting something positive out of his friendship with her, separate from the ugliness surrounding her feelings about you? If he is, I think it's up to him decide to end it (taking your feelings into consideration, of course). I say that even though this woman sounds more than a little nutty. If I were in your position, I'd be upset, too. But sometimes giving an ultimatum like "End this friendship now!" can breed resentful feelings toward the person giving it.

If he wants to continue the friendship with her for some reason, you could at least ask him not to fill you in on the content of their conversations. I mean, I'd rather not know what this crazy bitch was saying if I were in your position. It's good of you to care about the way this is affecting Simon, but that's really Simon's responsibility.

I've got friends whose partners I do not really like. I have other friends who I don't really approve of the way their relationship started. You know what though? I've never discussed it with them, because it is none of my business - if I am a true friend, I am just that, and I do not pass judgements. If it all goes to pot, I'll be there to help pick up the pieces, and still there won't be judgements. That's what proper friends do.
If I were you I would still let Simon make the decision as to cutting off his old friend or not. I would however make sure he knows how much she upsets you. Then you might find he makes the decision you wanted him to, as he realises she is not really a true friend to him, she betrayed him all those years ago by not keeping her feelings about you to herself and giving you some common courtesy.

I think you're correct in that it is Simon's friendship with this woman and that he should ultimately make the decision. She knows you or at least knew you and he's made an effort and in some ways, so have you. It seems as if she's going out of her way to be cruel and over time she's become meaner and meaner. And as tempting it is to say 'Cut the bitch off' only Simon can make that decision as he is the one with the history with her.

What does he have to say about the entire thing?

Wow -- I am surprised at my ability to be consistently shocked by peoples' bad behavior, but this is like ... one of the worst I've heard about in a long time. I'm sorry! And your boy is so nice -- much more forgiving and accepting than I might be in this situation.

That said, I think it's perfectly OK for you to say you'd prefer they didn't be friends. You're not telling him what to do, really, but expressing your opinion on the matter and then he can make his own decision.

I know you just said she's not in love with him, but in all honesty the situation just smacks of someone smarting with jealousy and dealing with a very secret, very unrequited love. No matter her own situation, she's acting very much like a jealous ex-girlfriend.

I will very rarely get involved in my husband's situations with friends, but it might be time to... not so much demand that she go, but have a frank conversation with Simon about the need to let her go.

When friendships are more pain than they are joy - and I'm not saying that all friendship is easy, like any good relationship it's not- but when the pain outweighs, it's time to consider it being time to end things.

Good luck. Overall it sounds like a hugely painful situation.

My husband is #1 in my life. No ifs, ands or buts. I do not expect my friends to be equally gaga over him, but I do expect them to RESPECT him. If they don't, then they aren't my friend. Simple as that.

In short, it is not unreasonable of you to insist that Simon's friends respect you and your relationship with him.

What is this? Offical Drama Week in Blogland?

I tried to put myself in your shoes and then I laughed out loud because I wouldn't have handled this situation with one iota of the class and maturity that you have.

However, I think it's ultimately Simon's decision. You can offer up your opinion, sure, and talk it out with him, but it will ultimately come down to him deciding whether or not someone like that needs to be in your lives. From what you've written, it doesn't seem like it's going to be that difficult of a decision.

I was in a similar situation with a girl who was intent on ruining my relationship with M. And I begged and pleaded with M to end his friendship with her. It wasn't until he came to the conclusion - on his own - that she truly was destructive and manipulative that he ended things for good. Happily ever after, etc.

1. It's always been true in my relationships that when we start talking about the "relationship" more than actually having one, that its time has ended.

2. My friend Lori told me that people come into your life for reason, season or life. I like that sentiment. It makes me feel less... seethy.

as someone who has broken up with a toxic friend, it has to be simon to decide this since it is his friendship but you should point out how he reacts and how it affects the both of you. if he does do it, he needs to tell her why and that be the end of it. it isn't easy, but if the relationship is bringing nothing postive, then ask yourself this, "when she isn't around, am i happy? do i notice the "absence"?" if there is no "absence" then maybe it is time to let go...

Leah's not your real name?!?!? I'm boggled.

Sorry. Not the point of the post.

I'm not a leaver of people. I keep people as long as I can because I'm just that way. This year I sent a holiday card that said, "Is it weird that I still send these?" to someone who never writes back. I just got the card returned by the post office.

However, when someone was disrespectful to me in a very deep way that extended to our close circle of friends I dropped them. 2 people who I spoke to every day, who knew everything about me and who were as close to me as family. I figured out a graceful exit, I politely declined to be in their wedding and I walked away. Over the years I feel better and better about the decision. It was the first time I did anything like that but I see why people do. Sometimes it's the only serious choice.

I don't know that I'd be comfortable telling Simon what to do but I think it's plenty appropriate for you to tell him what you wish he would do and that it's because you hate to see him get pummeled like this over and over by someone who clearly doesn't respect him. I hope he figures out something that works for him 'cause even when it's the right decision it bites the big one.

The fact that anyone would presume to know what's best regarding your choice to have children or not (and then voice her presumption) astounds me.
If I were in your position, I would be speechless. And then? I would not be so speechless. People suck. What does she expect the outcome to be? Simon will smack his forehead and say, "You're right, nameless nasty lady. I shouldn't have kids with Leah. We aren't ready. I sure am glad you came along to make me see the error of my ways." Asshat.

I've actually been in a situation like this and, unfortunately, it never ends well. The thing is... this is a toxic relationship and regardless of the past and forgiveness, kindness, and acceptance, this woman is not and will not respect Simon for who he is through forgiveness, kindness, acceptance... or any other virtue I can think of. She willfully goes above and beyond to not include you, to only come around when Simon is alone, and to provide opinions/chatter that is hurtful and disrespectful.
You've gotta ask the question of, "Simon, what's in it for you?" 'Cause that's where it's at... and the past is the past... period. If she's like this today, what will she be like tomorrow?
This leopard has shown her spots...
As Maya Angelou says, "When a person reveals themselves to you, believe them the first time."
Cut her loose.
Just my opinion and...
Been there...
Done that...

Kudos to you for handling all this as well as you have (and for as long as you have).

I think you and Simon probably need to talk about this -- about her, and the situation and all of it -- and at least make sure you're both clear on what both of your feelings are, as well as what Simon's motivations and expectations are where this woman is concerned.

And I suppose if I were the one in your situation, I'd definitely tell Simon in no uncertain terms (if you haven't already) how and why this woman and this situation bother you as much as they do. Make sure you're both on the same page about each of your assessments and then go from there.

That said, I don't think there's anything wrong with suggesting to Simon that he ditch her if he's not getting anything out of the so-called friendship, but as for ultimatums...well, I've never really been about those. I guess I'm saying I wouldn't recommend it, because once you do that, not only is there no taking it back, but it opens the door and the worry that you (or he) may apply them elsewhere. Not that I think you two wouldn't be able to get past it, but I just think you guys can handle this situation without ultimatums -- especially ones that stem from some crazy woman's behavior.

It seems like she's done nothing but say to Simon that YOU should go. I don't think that calling for her removal from his circle of friends is out of line. Frankly, I don't understand why someone would want to hang around with a nutcase like her, history or no. I've stopped communicating with some friends with whom I shared many wonderful experiences and memories, but who just can't accept my life for what it is NOW. Simon is being way too tolerant of Crazy.

Ginamy--Yeah, ultimatums only work if you stand behind them. What am I gonna say, "It's either me or her (this girl you see once a year and hardly ever talk to?)" Yeah, like I'd leave him for that. (Or leave him TO that!) She has her own man and her own kids and her own life and she just needs to mind her own business.

Simon has known all along how I've felt about this, which, up until this morning, has been support of his attempts to heal the friendship, not because I want her in my life but because HE did. It's safe to say, though, that things have gotten out of hand and she is no longer welcome.

I got here way too late in the game to offer any new advice, but I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for both you and Simon that you have this situation going on, and that it takes up some mental space/energy.

I've also had friends with chosen partners that I could have done without, but I would never tell those people how I felt. I'd rather just be supportive and attentive to the friendship I had with the person, rather than belittling the other person. I think Simon's friend is really rude, and I do wonder whether he is getting anything out of the friendship at this point. I like what helenjane said about reason, season, or life.

I'm sorry. I don't really have advice for you in this situation,I just wanted to share in your high school drama and tell you a funny thing. J and I have been married four years (together three before that) and now have two kids. His high school ex (who broke up with him) refuses to go anywhere that we will be, this is in reference to our mutual friends' children's birthday parties. LAdy? Get over it!
Anyhow, thanks for reading my little bit and I wish you all the best in your decision and your future (without this "friend", I think).

That girl is made of poo.

L, I am so sorry you and Simon are having to deal with this psycho. Seems to me that since she's showing Simon over and over and over how little she cares about him by bashing the woman he loves... well, there's no friendship there. Yes, it's toxic.

Whoa....

Why is this woman reading your blog?? It's like she has some sort of weird obsession with you and Simon....I feel like that is a huge, scary red flag!! If you honestly don't like someone, and if that person's blog "makes you sick," then why read it?? This is a classic hatecrush (and, by the way, the credit for that term goes to the Slackmistress.....)!!!I don't even know this woman, and I certainly don't want to pass judgment on her after reading one blog posting about her, but c'mon....she's clearly not operating on all cylinders. I think it's good that you posted about it!! Hopefully she'll read it, and then read the comments posted by your loyal readers, and be on her merry (or bitter??) way. Good luck, Leah!!!! Stay strong!!

Nothing terribly new or wise to say, just that I'm sorry that both of you have to deal with someone so toxic and that you have been more patient and mature than most people would be. Even though of course I'd say that Simon should cut this friend loose without remorse, as someone who's lost 3 close friends in the recent past, I know it's hard to let go even when the friendship completely fails to meet your standards.

But this woman has failed so spectacularly to be a good friend that she should be viewed as a tumor that needs to be removed.

I have nothing constructive to add that hasn't already been said. BUT - in the infinitely wise words of Dr Dre:

Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks...

It is YOUR business as a couple, not just his or hers. IMHO.

p.s. your hair is soft and shiny and Simon is handsome and charming.

I am sure that one of the reasons that you love Simon sooooooo much (aside from his rocking sense of humour) is the committment and support he provides to his friends and family. It seems however this 'friend' doesn't appreciate that at all. I would have no hesitation in telling Simon that she has to go. After all you guys are in the process of creating a family and that is far more important than any type of friendship - good or bad. Kick her to the curb and call the garbage truck

I'm so sorry this is being a stress on your life right now. Nobody needs that - ever.

I think there's a mid-point between telling Simon she needs to go and minding your own business. This is absolutely your business because it's making you both feel rotten. But the final decision about the friendship is ultimately up to Simon.

I know you'll both do what's best for you individually and for the relationship. And I hope all this resolves soon.

(And if you ever want to vent about friends of the SO, I have some doozies. DOOZIES, I TELL YOU.)

not advice as such, just sharing an experience.
I had a toxic friendship during my teenage years which I never really addressed, just let it fade away, ignoring the approaches of the bully in question. But, aged 27, it still bothered me and I seethed about it every day (believe it or not). A string of random- surprise surprise- Facebook happenings led to me finally letting rip and confronting her, in writing, with all the ways she hurt me. She apologised (!); I was boggled. And instantly, the bitterness vanished.
I don't know what, if anything, you might take from that tale, but I suppose it highlights the importance of the icky word: closure. And perhaps the positive impact of taking action rather than letting things pass.

First, sorry for the pain - it's shocking and so very personal. I think you are reacting to that and wishing you could let it all "roll off your back" like other comments do. I've been married to a man for 30 years who tolerates truly horrifying behavior. Friends who have treated me awfully, and he has not reacted to them because that's "just the way she is" or "she can't change". He does not see this behavior, and thinks I overreact to it. However, when I do not react, and simply let their insulting comments sit there and I smile and act polite then he will notice what terrible behavior they exhibit. I have learned to let it go until he is ready to see it for himself and then he reacts. When I complain, protest, get upset, he explains and excuses their behavior. When I don't, he will step in and stop them. It's awesome when it happens. It certainly doesn't happen every day, or every year or even every five years, but he has told people off, discontinued relationships and stopped the bad behavior or insults at least four or five times over the past 30 years. This is the way he is. He is loyal, forgiving, and looks for the good in me and in others. When I try to get him to disconnect from one of these "evil" (and I think they are that) people because they act out and truly hurt him, he does not see it, and it instead becomes a struggle between him and me. You do not want that. When you make him choose, when you make him act even when their behavior is hurting him, then it becomes an issue between the two of you. It is the two of you that matter. Whatever hurricane swirls around you two, you are your own world. It cannot touch you because you are impervious and strong. This will piss off those who sling the vicious at you, but it is not necessary to even consider that. Concentrate on the two of you. Revel in yourselves. You are the lucky ones. Smile.

wow. isn't it amazing how when you're in seventh grade and you know people that are also in seventh grade that act like this woman you think how great it will be when you're an adult and you don't have to deal with the seventh grade bullsh*t anymore? and then YOU grow up and realize some people never do.

life is too short to deal with "friendships" like this one.

Toxic indeed. What pain she's caused.
I don't really have any answers, just admiration for both your and Simon's maturity in dealing with such a meanie.

I'm probably not going to offer anything new after 54 comments, but my take is...she doesn't seem like much of a friend anymore. It's perfectly natural for some friendships to run their course and end at a point when that relationship is detracting from your life more than adding to it.

I really cannot add to what has already been said. Isn't it amazing how petty and hateful adults can be? I hope she isn't passing on this hatred to her own children....

It should be noted - one of the two friends was actually showing great concern and sympathy about the miscarriage. She and I actually had a grat conversation about life and kids and so forth. Should she be reading this, she should know that I ain't got no problem with her.

-Simon.

I just want to second what Cagey said. If you are in a lifetime commitment relationship, then yes, you should come first. I know for certain that I couldn't put up with anyone who spoke so ill of my husband, no matter what our history. I couldn't. It's not just disrespecting you, it's disrespecting Simon and the choices you've made together -- choices that he was a part of, so by speaking ill of you, she's speaking ill of him.

History or not, if I were you, I'd feel a little betrayed by it regardless, and I wouldn't have been able to idly put up with it to this point. I'm not saying that's the right way to feel, I'm just telling you how I would feel/react.

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's not right.

Wow. Just... WOW. Nothing to say that hasn't already been said. But I will say, I think you're handling this really well, and are being WAY more mature about it than I would. I'd be a screaming banshee by now and yelling for the friend's head. On a stick. Though I would also rationally, logically, and totally justified-ly demand that she goes. Your significant other is priority #1 and disrespecting said other shouldn't be tolerated. It's not even just a mild irritation, she REALLY crossed the line. Clawing your eyes out? Really? Tell her to go. She keeps disrespecting you because she's been allowed to get away with it thus far.

And honestly, I don't know you personally, but you seem like one of the coolest, nicest people out there. It boggles my mind that anyone could so forcefully NOT want to know you! :)

One other thing that I don't think anyone's mentioned... you also said that this person will only go to the house when you're not there. NO. That's YOUR home. It's a house that you bought and share with Simon and absolutely no way should such disrespect me tolerated in your own home. It's galling that she even think she has a right to step foot in your house, given her behavior.