December 11, 2007
At Last
I suppose you have a right to be dubious when I follow "I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm really fine" with tidbits that suggest that all the while I was clothes shopping last weekend I was stiff-upper-lipping it, trying my darnedest not to think of being pregnant (quite difficult under this, The Reign of the Ubiquitous Empire Smock (Dear teenagers: Dress skinny while you are skinny; save the mumus for when you really need them)), and then I go on with "blah blah, and as the yellow roses bloomed outside against the harsh winter elements, I looked at my face reflected in the window pane and couldn't distinguish the rain from the tears, blah blah Christmas baby, my heart will go on BLAH."
But hear this: I'm fine! Really! I just...have a lot of thoughts to share on the subject, I guess, which shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone who's stopped in here for any length of time, considering I've been bursting with all things baby (except for, notably, a baby itself) for as long as this site has existed (and before that too). For obvious reasons, my interest in the subject has skyrocketed in the last few months, and now, even after what happened, I can't just turn it off. I'm Crazy Baby Lady! Gimme candy! Anyone want to make a guess as to how many baby-related posts are currently wasting away in Draft mode? At last count, just a hair under sixty. Sixty! Since mid-August! Aren't you glad the internet isn't connected directly to my brain and designed to publish my unedited thoughts every time I blink? Yeah, me too.
It's just that I am thinking about it--although about the future more than the recent past, really really--and now that I finally have an excuse to share all the hopes/fears/etc. that attend impending parenthood, I can't help wanting to take advantage of the opportunity to let it all spill out after having held most of it in for so long. At last!, I am part of the club. I have had a capital-E Experience and can no longer be dismissed as merely an uninitiated mommy-hopeful.
See, there's something exclusionary (however unintentional) about parenthood (and by extension parenting blogs) that both directly and indirectly says, "You can not speak to being a parent unless you are one." And while at first glance that makes the kind of obvious, no-duh sense that makes me want to slap myownself upside my own head, on second thought, it's actually kind of dismissive of the fact that there are a lot of people out there (me! me!) who think an awful lot about becoming parents before any child is actually born, or even conceived. And why, pray tell, is there anything wrong with that?
And yet, when I ask a question about breastfeeding or potty training or what to do when your teenager comes home with whiskey breath, the response I've most often received is a non-answer along the lines of, "Oh, honey, don't worry about that until you actually have to deal with it," and then the ever-wise and almighty Parent pats my head and gives me a lolly and sends me on my way. I hate that. And although I understand it's silly to obsess over my non-existant newborn's eating habits and my non-existant toddler's toilet phobia when, god willing, I might have champion feeders and gold-medal poop-in-the-pottyers, I have to say that after years and years of head-patting and dismissal, I'm pretty tired of being told to just sit back, chill out, and keep quiet until I have something to say that's based in actual experience. So now you must excuse me if, from time to time, I revel (or wallow) in the fact that I have something to say that's based in actual experience. All those times I freaked out about something being wrong with my fertility? I bet no one would pat my head and send me away now.
I seem to have strayed from the point I wanted to make, which was that I wanted to warn you that I'm probably going to be talking about ProjectBaby08 more than just every so often. Not intimate details or a progress report or anything (you're welcome), but just stuff in general--pregnancy, babyhood, the surprising and severe streak of vanity that reared its ugly head when I peed on a stick and realized, ohmygod, I'm about to lose my girlish figure, what if Simon thinks I'm fat and ugly and never kisses me again? It's just surreal to finally be a part of something I've spent so much time preparing for (and it's especially strange that I'm doing it from this weirdly intermediate, purgatorial state of "having had") but I'm nevertheless ecstatic that I'm here, at last, and that I can talk and write about it and people will, for the most part, take me seriously.
Right now, the smallest things are huge because they mean I'm really in this thing. On the medical front, it's just blood test after blood test until my hCG hits zero (320 on Thursday, 109 on Saturday), but for once the doctor's office is calling me instead of the other way around, and that is validating. On the homefront, Simon is the one saying, "Let's make a baby!" and, after years of it coming from my mouth only, that is validating too. I'm finally participating in something I've been anticipating for years and years and it feels good. Forgive me if I gush.
I'll be happy to listen to you talk baby! I'll be happy to talk baby with you! Parenting/breastfeeding... whatever! No dismissiveness here! I think parents too often assume that non-parents don't want to hear about their baby's latest whatever... it's something that a fellow parent might care a little more about (poop color and consistency, for example.) I would hope that people wouldn't intentionally exclude you from discussions... it hasn't been too long since I was there myself.
Posted by: beck at December 11, 2007 05:49 PMI'll be happy to listen to you talk baby! I'll be happy to talk baby with you! Parenting/breastfeeding... whatever! No dismissiveness here! I think parents too often assume that non-parents don't want to hear about their baby's latest whatever... it's something that a fellow parent might care a little more about (poop color and consistency, for example.) I would hope that people wouldn't intentionally exclude you from discussions... it hasn't been too long since I was there myself.
Posted by: beck at December 11, 2007 05:49 PMPeople only give you the whole 'you just wait until you have a baby' speil becasue they don't have a decent answer. As for asking questions do it - and observe Mums in action - I know I did it and by the time the Young Man was born I knew lots of things I didn't want to do and what things I thought I would give a whirl. Ten months down the track I am still learning how the be a good mum - I hear it takes years of practice to succeed!!
Posted by: Anna at December 11, 2007 05:58 PMI am totally OK with hearing about all things baby. I can't write about my burgeoning baby-related stuff on my blog, so I'll live vicariously through you. Also, I have the feeling my blog is going to become increasingly All Things Wedding, so, you know, I can't complain about someone writing about a current Important Topic.
Posted by: Emily at December 11, 2007 06:04 PMNo forgiveness needed. You've actually imparted enough wisdom and virtual strength to make me feel as if maybe I should start talking about it too since it's all I want to be talking about and, seriously, I'm allowed. What's stopping me?
Posted by: She Likes Purple at December 11, 2007 06:58 PMI'm eagerly anticipating the baby posts - it's more interesting to me right now, since I think I'm about a year out from trying to get pregnant.
Posted by: Janssen at December 11, 2007 07:04 PMOh!
So, SO HAPPY for the place you are in.
I promise not to pat your head.
For this is YOUR journey. Not mine.
And it will be every kind of wonderful.
Whee!
Posted by: Angella at December 11, 2007 07:10 PMFunny! I totally thought you were fine. I guess I am dim. I also totally understand all the parenting patting on the head. I would never do that to you of all peoples. AND I understand being obsessive, I can only think of my current life project. Everything else is like going through the motions.
loving you
xo
Posted by: jenB at December 11, 2007 07:48 PMI have been trying to get pregnant for almost 2 years now and it's been a pretty frustrating experience. I was surprised to read your last few posts and honestly feel like my recent "internal pulling for you" has allowed me to remove myself from jealously and self pity in exchange for hoping for this to work out for you because if/when it does, that's somehow proof it can/will for me too. TMI? not sure, but have felt compelled to write for a bit.
Posted by: claire at December 11, 2007 07:58 PMI think the only time I might play the obnoxious Well You're Not a Parent So STFU card is if someone got on my case about a parenting choice I was making, and even then I think I'd go the We All Have Different Priorities and Aren't We Lucky We Live in Such a Diverse World LA LA LA (PS: STFU) route. Anyone unlucky enough to ask me *questions* about parenthood is likely to get their ear talked right the hell off, because hey! Someone is asking me questions! About a subject I enjoy talking about, even though I don't know shit! About parenting-shinola! Woe, woe, woe to them.
Obviously I don't belong to this Wise and All-Knowing parent group. Who are they, and can they maybe come over and potty train my kid?
Also: squeeeeee on babymaking in 2008! I hope it is smooth sailing on that front from here on out.
Posted by: Sundry at December 11, 2007 08:07 PMSundry said it! I am more than happy to talk all things baby with people that are interested even if they don't have their own anklebiter to compare stories about. But its when my (albeit well intentioned!) babyless friends give me advice about how they think I should be doing it, well thats when I am more likely to whack them over the head and then kick their retreating behind, than hand out pats and lollys!
I am super excited for the big adventure ahead for you guys, and who knows, maybe our number two will be around the same time as your number one! (potty pun references not intended!)
Baby talk is awesome. What a supportive bf you've got there, ready to pick up and try again. Yay for participating in things you've anticipated!
Posted by: Tricia at December 11, 2007 11:10 PMAre you kidding? Pat you on the head and send you away? I feel like such a know-it-all expert when it comes to baby raising that I actually have to stop myself when someone asks me, "What do you do if your baby..." Actually, I know nothing more than what I've been through and what my friends did for their kids, but I'm happy to share that if it helps. Your blog will be a wonderful and terrible outlet for those questions. So many answers! Which one is right?
I'm excited for you and Simon and where you are right now. Even with the loss and the concerns for future success, it's a happy time full of possibilities. Thanks for letting us share it.
ps....I'm as crazy as jenb. I thought you were fine, too.
Posted by: Heather at December 12, 2007 12:32 AMOh, gush away. The way I see it, it would be a much better world if everyone's parents were so excited to meet them before they even existed.
Posted by: jive turkey at December 12, 2007 05:45 AMHmm, head patting sucks. I am short and "cute" so I have been patted on the head a lot... screw those people! Woo hoo to project baby '08!!! I hope all goes well and I look forward to hearing your thoughts and ideas this coming year!
Posted by: Christina at December 12, 2007 06:11 AMI get the head patting too, mainly from members of my own family who say something along the lines of "let's get through the wedding first."
I hate it.
Posted by: Clink at December 12, 2007 07:06 AMHead patting - ugh. I am sad that you have had that experience with parents for I am of the opinion that the things we learn as a parent are to be shared. And, I (before kids) was exactly the same way...asking all the great and gorey details when it was still a dream. I'm glad that you get to live this dream.
p.s. It's funny, though, now that I am a parent of a could-be-potty-training little boy, I want nothing to do with "those" discussions - I think that it makes me feel guilty (nothing quite like a good comment-leaving to help me to come to a realization about myself, thanks for that).
I am NOT a parent, so please keep that in mind. However, uh, I know parents. And most parents I know chose to have kids, were very excited to meet their kids, and very excited about raising their kids. Most parents I know took every course, bought and read every book, read every blog/website about parenting and babying and all that good stuff.
But every parent I know, while "prepared" for the baby they were about to have, have all confessed readily that they were never prepared for the amount of time and work and strain that it put on all of their resources (although every one has said they'd happily do it again.) And they have said that while all the research in the world is good, nothing actually compares to having a wiggling creature in your arms or hearing the wailing at 3am.
So many these people aren't patting you on the head, maybe they're just making it up as they go along, maybe they don't think they have an answer, or maybe they do and they just simply do not have the time to sit down and explain it. Or maybe they're afraid that it may be wrong.
Again, I am not a parent, but the one thing I do know about parenting is that it seems to be a fuckton of work. So maybe some of these parents should be cut a little slack. :)
Posted by: the slackmistress at December 12, 2007 10:08 AMGush away! I'm so excited for you! And I love to talk about babies, real or hypothetical.
Posted by: lainey at December 12, 2007 11:42 AMIt was not that long ago that I, too, was the recipient of the "how would you know?" commentary from Folks Who Had Already Procreated. Bah. As such, I try to be sensitive about that myself now that I Have Procreated.
Also, I remember that giddiness when my husband and I started trying for a baby. It was exactly how you described! I was SO excited to finally get trying towards something that I had dreamed about since I was a little girl.
Unprotected sex for a change?? Yee haw! :-)
Posted by: cageu at December 12, 2007 01:59 PMWow!! You ask parents about what to do when your teenager comes home with whiskey breath?? Man, I always knew that you were going to be an amazing mom, but now I'm certain that you are going to be UberMom of the Century!!!! Wow. Those lucky, lucky kids. It seems quite possible that parents may give you the "pat on the head" because they realize that you are going to be UberMom of the Century and maybe they are feeling some internal guilt (or a form of jealousy) for not having been as prepared and dedicated in the planning process as you have been??? Either way, I know you will be a fabulous "Mentor Mom" for future mothers everywhere.
I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you and Simon in a big way!!!!!!
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