October 30, 2007
Monster Mash
Before bubblewrapping and boxing my camera, I took off the strap and tucked it into my backpack. (Yes, I carry a backpack. Shut up.) I'm not sure why I did it--I certainly have no use for it while the camera's away--but later that day when I saw the strap tucked away all folded and forlorn, I felt like a little old lady sighing over the leash and collar of her poor departed Fido. I'm not saying I slept with the strap or anything, but it sucks to find bits and pieces of my precioussss--battery charger, extra CF card, connector cable--every time I open a pocket or a drawer or an eye.
***
Last night I could feel the early twinges of one of those fantastic underground pimples, the ones that get huge and hot and fuschia and stick around for weeks and weeks, and when I woke up this morning, yes, there it was, deforming one side of my chin. When I say "deforming," I'm not just talking about a blemish, I'm talking about honest-to-goodness misshapenness. My chin is now lopsided, so much so that a coworker standing all the way across the room told me I should go have it looked at by my new primary care physician, as selected for me by my shiny new insurance provider, har har har. Although I haven't looked at this new addition to my face in several hours, I can't quite believe that it's grown so large as to be visible from fifteen feet away, so I can only assume that it is announcing its presence by beaming forth a striking fall-leaf shade of red, a result of all my nonstop fiddling and faddling.
There are people who pick and people who don't and I, ladies and gents, am a picker. I can't keep my hands off this zit to save me, and as soon as I hit publish on this post I'm going to find a mirror and check out what kind of damage I've done, what kind of monster I've created with the constant poke, poke, poke of the last five or so hours. From what I can feel, this thing is not full of pus or some other simple syrupy liquid but is instead full of something more like Play-dough, since I can MOLD IT INTO SHAPES. I press and squeeze and twist and voila! I wonder if this off-center cleft looks as distinguished as it feels?
In other news of bodily deformities, I have one tremendously long fingernail and it's kind of freaking me out. I've been a nail biter as long as I've had teeth, and although it's always in my mind to stop, it's HARD. There is no keratin patch or gum for nailbiters. The main problem is that I bite when I read and reading is what I get paid to spend my daylight hours doing, so: screwed.
Every once in a while, though, I manage to make some progress on a nail or two or three, and at this point I'm fifty-fifty of nails bitten to nails with a tiny sliver of growth or more. There's one nail though--my left index finger--that has raced ahead out of control, and while it's great for opening cans of stewed tomatoes and picking at things like, oh, fantastic underground zits, it is so long now that whenever I catch sight of it I feel like someone else's finger is attached to my hand. Someone else's tremendous coke-nailed finger. Basically, I'm Frankenstein. Or the Bride of Frankenstein. Or at least the live-in girlfriend of Frankenstein. (If one of my coworkers got engaged last weekend, why is everyone looking at me? What do they want me to do? Cry or something? Perhaps pull her hair and start a catfight?)
At the most, this one crazy fingernail is a sign that I just might be on the road to becoming a proper adult person with proper adult person fingernails. (Perhaps I might also try a purse instead of a backpack?) At the least, the gallery of grotesqueries that has become my body is just in time for Halloween. I don't have a costume picked out in the event that I'm dragged through the streets to be festive against my will (Dear Castro: I'm over you), but in a pinch I can now just wave my menacing talon and wag my mutant chin and call it a night.
Posted by Leah at October 30, 2007 02:09 PMI am also a nail biter. My nails became significantly less enticing after I started changing diapers every day.
Posted by: Dotty at October 30, 2007 02:53 PMThe Proactiv refining mask which you can find at any respectable mall kiosk. Twenty bucks and well worth it.
Posted by: hello insomnia at October 30, 2007 03:34 PMI was a nail biter from the age of two on and then one day I just stopped. Nothing happened no life altering event or special formula I just didn't feel the urge to do it anymore. The other day two nails broke and I was bummed even though for years I could have cared less about having nails. I'm not sure where I was going with this but umm...yeah...perhaps you'll stop one day. The end.
Posted by: Heather B. at October 30, 2007 03:52 PMI was a horrendous nail biter until about the ge of twelve or so. I cannot remember how or why I stopped, but I have. I chew my cheek instead. Nathan, however, is a nail biter. I wish the other two were, because that would save me from all of the screaming that occurs when I cut their nails. :)
Posted by: Angella at October 30, 2007 05:29 PMI had a monster zit like yours last week in the MIDDLE OF MY FOREHEAD. I'd catch Steve looking at it, then trying to avert his eyes when my gaze met his. "Stop looking at it!" I'd cry. He told me he couldn't help it. It was terrible. Now there's just a scabby remnant. Love it.
Posted by: Amanda Brown at October 30, 2007 05:48 PMI stopped biting my fingers nails for about 5 years but have recently started again... it started with just the occasional nibble of my little finger nails and then when the others needed filing I would bite them down instead. Now I am sad to say that my fingers look like stubs on a regular basis - I know I can stop whenever I want but....
As for the pimple - a simple yet effective tip that works for me (given by Rachel Hunter in some faux beauty mag) is to put toothpaste on those pesky pimples that have no head - it dries them up and pushes all the goodness to the top ready for the glorious zit popping session.
I bite my nails when doing anything that requires concentration (but not the use of my hands). Or when I'm bored. So I often do it in staff meetings, which is perfect because all of my coworkers get to witness it.
Posted by: Stefanie at October 30, 2007 06:06 PMThis strikes me as a perfect "weird things about you post", just in time for halloween.
i too have on long finger nail right now. i don't bite, but i do pick at my cuticles when i am nervous and or anxious (talk about something you do all day). :-)
i miss Linus photos already.
Posted by: jenB at October 31, 2007 12:31 AMi'm also a picker. it drives my mother insane...me, my dad, and my brother are all pickers...we just can't help it!
i had one of those underground numbers starting on the side of my nose, like where sunglasses rest. There was no head so i frustratingly waited and waited and, thank the Lord, that thing never surfaced! :)
"Not way over in a bucket seat" I love that song! I love Cake (both the band and the dessert)!
Also, I wear a backpack. There's no shame in being kind to your spine.
Posted by: Kizz at October 31, 2007 07:04 AMThere is something so satisfying about popping a zit! I can't leave them alone either. And I bit my nails until my dad divorced my wicked step-mother. But I still pick at my cuticles when I'm not thinking about it. Have you tried that bitter nail polish stuff?
Posted by: Nosaby at October 31, 2007 09:44 AMFirst time reader here and I have to tell you that that is THE funniest post I have ever read. I was literally laughing hysterically in my office. Everyone probably thinks I'm crazy but that's ok because you are funny.
Posted by: Trianne at October 31, 2007 09:46 AMFirst time reader here and I have to tell you that that is THE funniest post I have ever read. I was literally laughing hysterically in my office. Everyone probably thinks I'm crazy but that's ok because you are funny.
Posted by: Trianne at October 31, 2007 09:46 AMI'm a picker, I admit it. I am committed to washing my face at bedtime for the last month of my pregnancy this time, no matter how tired I am, so I don't end up in all my hospital pictures with an enormous zit on my chin. Sigh.
Posted by: Brooke Habecker at October 31, 2007 10:15 AMI was a biter too, and just like the others I inexplicably stopped on a dime. So strange to trade one unhealthy comfort for another but I immediately picked up the habit of chewing the inside of my cheek. Only when I'm hungry. Glad to hear that I am crazy with Angella instead of all alone in my neurosis.
Go get yourself a bottle of peroxide and a sleeve of cotton makeup remover pads from the drugstore. Peroxide is an antiseptic. It kills bacteria and bacteria is the secret ingredient that causes the common infection also known as a pimple on one's face. I swear by it, although it's not fool proof. Things like Plain Forgetfulness and Other Things To Do Before Falling Asleep seem to get in the way at times, but for the most part swiping your face with a little bit of peroxide on a regular basis helps to keep the nasty zits at bay.
Posted by: reddirtroad at October 31, 2007 10:49 AMHilarious post! I am a total picker, too, and it drives me nuts. I seriously can't stop. I always lament over the possibility that I might have much nicer skin were I not a picker...
Posted by: allison at November 1, 2007 01:16 PM
