Do As I Do, Not As I Say
I like to joke about how I'm an absentminded cook, the type who puts water on to boil and then half an hour later finds a volcano of melted Teflon on the stovetop. The truth is, though, that when I'm in the kitchen blood is rarely drawn, cookware rarely mangled. Since we installed the new smoke alarm twelve days ago, I've set it off twice, but that's neither here nor there.
Last night, however, I almost set the kitchen on fire. The kitchen and, more importantly, my hair. (Granted, my eyebrows probably could have used the trim.) I was making the boys shrimp pasta while they were watching their stories, and I heated up a pan of olive oil to somewhere around "cracklin' hot," and then dumped in a pound of thawed shrimp, dripping with water. Do you know what happens when water meets cracklin' hot olive oil? FIREBALL. The whole kitchen lit up and, I kid you not, the flame was about four feet in diameter--certainly outside the bounds of a purposeful flambée.
Good thing I have long arms because instead of running shrieking from the room, I picked up the pan, backed away from the stove (and all that glorious wood cabinetry), and then just stood there in the middle of the room, holding fire in my hand, saying "woah! woah!" and blowing on the inferno like a kid over a birthday cake, all the while wondering if blowing on a grease fire is such a good idea.
On several occasions I've told Simon that I've watched so many cooking shows on PBS over the years that even though I haven't put most of that knowledge into practice, I really do know what I'm doing. I've never actually cooked a potroast, but I've seen it done and that, to me, is close enough. This is the point at which he says, "I've seen a lot of episodes of ER. How about we see if I can do a double bypass? Lay down."
Even after this latest mishap, I still think I know more Cooking Theory than the average person, and I'm generally up on safety guidelines too. Dull knives are more dangerous than sharp knives, don't start water boiling and then go organize the closet, etc. Until last week when I made him look it up on the web, Simon thought my fear of salmonella contamination via raw chicken was just a personality quirk; his stock response to my "Ohmigod, don't touch the faucet with your contaminated chicken-juice hands! Uncleeeeean! Disinfect! DISINFECT!" was always "Chill out, freak." Even after I tried to convince him that everyone knows the serious dangers of raw chicken, he still had to confirm it with Master Google because he'd never heard anything so foolish as uncooked chicken being deadly poison that will kill, kill us all. I might add that Teddy, Mr. I've-Never-Heard-of-Poison-Chicken-Either, wasn't helping my case, but let's remember that until a few months ago, the only thing he could "cook" was Instant Quaker Oats. I'M JUST SAYING.
Although I know I've certainly never heard about it on PBS, at this point I'm willing to believe that the whole hot oil + cold water = explosion "thing" is something that everyone else knows and that I just happened to miss out on in the grand swirl of my life experience. Like, you know how sometimes a song comes on the radio--let's say it's "Born to Be Wild"--and the person you're riding in the car with says, "This is a cool song! I've never heard it before," and they're totally serious but you think they're playing a joke because how could anyone have not heard "Born to Be Wild"? It's a classic! It's the darling of television commericals advertising everything from big ol' American trucks to laundry detergent! It's the favored soundtrack for home videos of babies wearing sunglasses and propped up next to twelvers of beer! Oh, the unexpected juxtaposition! Honey, get the camera!
My larger point is that I DIDN'T KNOW, OKAY? Hot oil/cold water is my "Born to Be Wild." I'm sorry I almost burnt the house down and I'm sorry I interrupted The Sopranos during a moment of high tension and I'm particularly sorry I almost gave everyone heart attacks, especially since although Simon, given electroshock paddles, could have put his ER knowledge to work at last, I'm not exactly confident in his as-yet-untried defibrillator skills given how I trusted Joanne Weir and Martin Yan and they nearly killed me. Just more proof that TV is not a substitute for real-life experience, I guess. Rats; I was really looking forward to that career as a flashy no-nonsense crime scene investigator who moonlights as a singer in a jazz club and always has perfect brows.
Because I didn't see this in your post: always keep a FULL box of baking soda by your stove or within grabbing distance. It's safety in a box for less than a buck.
I didn't know about the cold water/hot oil thing, but I'm with you all the way on the chicken-death-juice.
Uh, I didn't know about the hot oil cold water thing either. But I don't cook all that much either. Thanks for the warning!
Yeah, I definitely had no idea and I'm glad you're okay.
However, I think I should pay a visit to Master Google myself because I tend to be of the "chill OUT" variety when it comes to raw chicken juice.
I'm assuming I probably shouldn't be licking batter that contains raw egg either. Damn it.
Batter is okay. Because IT HAS TO BE.
yes, ditto with the baking soda or the lid! loved this post.
I have a very vivid image of you blowing gingerly on a pan full of flame. I feel less bad for melting the tea kettle now.
Dan's a fantastic cook and cooks things all the time. He makes grandiose meals several times a week. However, this one time? He was baking bread or something and needed a water bath for it, so he put a pyrex baking dish below whatever was baking, let it heat up, and then opened the oven and poured cold water into the pyrex.
KABLOOM.
So here's another tip: Don't put cold water into hot glass and expect it to stay in one piece. Luckily (or unluckily, as it was my very favorite one) it was blue glass so the pieces were easier to spot than clear would have been.
Glad you, the cabinets, and your house are all OK.
By water bath I meant "thing full of water to make steam", not that he planned to immerse it in the water.
You can always put a metal lid or baking pan on it for quick snuffage, but I also second the baking soda.
I've always been told by my dad (an ex fire-fighter) that I should always just keep the lid to the pot handy and use it to smother any flames. He drummed in to me that I should NEVER put water on it.
The first time I had an oil fire I picked up the pan and watched it for a moment trying to decide what to do. Then repeating to myself "Don't put water on an oil fire" I threw it in the sink and turned the tap on.
Sometimes I think that I might actually be INVITING bad things to happen to me. That or my stupidity is indeed boundless.
The baking soda thing is a neat trick I didn't know about. The lid thing makes sense too. We had a much more practical solution--the fire extinguisher (foam, not water) in the pantry--but before anyone could grab it the flame died down by itself, thank goodness. The whole incident lasted probably twenty seconds, but it took about three years off of Simon's life, poor thing.
My experience is that hot oil + water = splatter. And that the splatter of tiny little oil pellets into the air (and around your pan onto the gas flames) is what caused the whoosh/fireball.
Not that I've ever caramelized sugar into a hardened black mass that clung to step-mom's brand new all-clad even through repeated soakings.
Of course I wasn't banned from the kitchen after that. (well, not for long, anyway)
Alyce--I think that's exactly what happened. There were a few cracks and splatters and then WHOOSH. So does that mean this isn't a problem with electric stoves?
The more I read the internet the more freaked out about stuff I get, now I'm going to be terrified of accidentally doing the hot oil cold water thing. eee.
I realize this is somewhat random but that last paragraph was among the funniest and best things I've read all week.
And to think I always thought baking soda was used for... well... baking!
Great visual!
Matthew's sister did the same back when she and her now-husband were engaged and actually SET THE PLACE ON FIRE.
That taught me the whole water and oil fire hazard :)
Glad you were all OK :)
I didn't know about the whole fireball thing either. That's disturbing. Good thing I hardly ever cook.
The salmonella thing is real, though, just ask my ex-boyfriend. He wasn't near death but his hind parts will never be the same.
Oh my gosh! I did the whole Olive Oil + Water = Fire thing last March! I had no idea about it myself and singed all the hair off my arms and fringe. Ughh. It's not cool. I don't know where people learn that lesson, I was evidently asleep in the back or not listening when that came up in cooking class.
My mom's a nurse and she's super anal about chicken juice related death/illness. I remember cutting my finger on a kife with chicken juice and she went flipto! Consequently, I just cook the snot out of my chicken and cause fires while doing it..
Been there, done that, nearly burnt my apartment down. Well, I melted the hood fan. Thankfully I remembered the lid thing in my panic. The pan was dead though.
On a random note hug your kitties extra hard tonight. My baby (Gabby the kitten interloper) got hit by a car this morning and didn't make it. So extra cuddles for kitties everywhere!
Glad you're okay, but this was hilarious to read in retrospect. I think every once in a while, cooking shows should be interupted to bring people some common sense safety ideas.
how funny!
I was teaching a fire safety course THIS week!!! keep the lid nearby, OR if you don't have one, grab the closest cookie sheet! they're big enough to cover most cookwear, and more...
oil and water don't mix... water just displaces the oil and the oil that gets too hot catches fire... the oil that splattered when the water was dumped in (hot or cold) probably hit the burner, and the nearby particles would have caught the flame.
oh goodnight... I sound like a public service announcement.
I think I pulled a muscle laughing while reading this post. Ouch!
Im glad you are oki. Had to laugh of your husbands ER comment though :D