August 03, 2007
My Humps
Wednesday night we went to Costco because we finally finished up the eighty-pack of toilet paper that I bought last November and that Simon has been making fun of me for ever since. (What? Are you saying my ass is big? Say it again, I dare you!) I thought we'd pop in to our friendly neighborhood warehouse for two or three things (a new eighty-pack of t.p. to see us through the winter and maybe also a slab of meat and a jar of artichoke hearts as big as my torso (check, check, and check!), but two hours later we ended up as we always do--with a cart stacked in a fashion such that, if we were to pass in front of a floodlight ($19.99, aisle 12) and cast a shadow on the far wall, we might be mistaken for a dromedary: two legs in front, two legs in back, and an enormous hump in between. But our hump wasn't filled with fat stores (it's fat! not water!) for a long trek across desert wastelands, no; it was filled with sundry must-haves we didn't know we needed until we saw them (to the tune of $350), plus gym socks and frozen fish products because Simon, after stepping on the scale ($24.95, aisle 3), declared that he was going on a diet.
"It's a good thing I enjoyed the hell out of that Polish dog and soda," he said, patting his belly, "because that's it. I'm done. I'm a BFF."
[BFF is Simon's acronym for "big fat fuck," which causes just as much confusion as you might guess it would considering that the rest of the world knows it means "best friend forever."]
At which point I of course wanted to bathe him in Coke while pushing mustard-coated meat tubes down his throat end to end. (How gay is that?!)
I've noticed over the past several years that when it comes to denying Simon--even if it's self-imposed denial, and even if it's for his own good--my tendency is to throw reason to the dogs and spoil him rotten. Surely this does not bode well for my future parenting days, since children need to learn that, as a wise man once said, they can't always get what they want. Ooh, but what fun it will be to be the favorite parent, the one who threads licorice whips under the door while Simon Jr. is is grounded and who lets Little Leah have all the cotton candy she wants provided she keep mum about who bought it for her! Who cares about respect, I want to be the Fun One!
I guess that's what aunts and uncles are for, though. Aaaaaaand speaking of which...Simon's niecephew is no longer an unnamed, ungendered fetus but a real, live, healthy baby GIRL! I'm considering myself a proximal auntie, which is something I've never been before, and it's terribly exciting--so exciting that I neither minded the phone call announcement in the middle of the night (it was noon in England) nor the fact that my excitement made it hard to sleep for the next several hours until the alarm went off because OMGBABYBABYBABY. I can hardly wait to get back to JOE and stroke her little baby head and slip a Twinkie in her tiny fist when her parents aren't looking.
Posted by Leah at August 3, 2007 11:25 AMI'm new but I've been reading for a few months. Just wanted to say I think it's possible to be popular and create a circle of friends at the same time. Your writing is great and I really enjoy it. Thanks for sharing with us!
Posted by: Kiraa at August 3, 2007 12:15 PMCongrats on your new proximal niece! That's the best kind of news to get in the middle of the night.
Posted by: Emily at August 3, 2007 12:15 PMWe haven't been to Costco for awhile because our membership is due the next time we're in and also because we might not be able to leave without a flatscreen tv for our bedroom. Or a 12-pack of mangoes.
Posted by: Assertagirl at August 3, 2007 12:21 PMI always talk myself out of buying one of those 9lb tenderloins when I am at Costco. I saw that one episode of Good Eats where Alton Brown demonstrates how to carve one up into filet mignons (Tender is the Loin?) and I thought "I can totally do that." What I cannot seem to do is justify to the hubby the $80 worth of meat, even if it is an amazing deal. Shame, really.
Posted by: leandra at August 3, 2007 02:30 PMbabies AND eighty packs of TP??? can life get anymore awesome?
(answer:no)
Posted by: leenie at August 3, 2007 03:00 PMno more triathlon training?. . . 'cuz i remember that one of the best parts about the training was eating whatever the hell i wanted, whenever i wanted, and i still lost weight. . .
Posted by: bloopy at August 3, 2007 03:11 PMHe's got a bum back, so exercising is pretty hard for him right now. Hence the diet.
Posted by: Leah at August 3, 2007 03:25 PMA Twinkie? I just read a very interesting magazine article about those things and how long they can take to digest???!!!! Congrats on the proximal-aunthood and happy spoiling ;)
Posted by: Elizabeth at August 3, 2007 11:55 PMI know it shouldn't irritate me, but the fact that you just bought a house (in, as you pointed out over and over again, a very expensive market)and yet you continue to spend (and flaunt the exact amounts) of money here and there just... I don't know, gets to me.
Posted by: aliastaken at August 4, 2007 06:31 AMI know it shouldn't irritate me, but the fact that you just bought a house (in, as you pointed out over and over again, a very expensive market)and yet you continue to spend (and flaunt the exact amounts) of money here and there just... I don't know, gets to me.
Posted by: aliastaken at August 4, 2007 06:31 AMaliastaken, first off, I think Leah was trying to say that, she and Simon, like most of the rest of us, have that disease that doesn't allow us to walk into a Costco/warehouse store and buy just the 2 things we went in there for. I don't know of anyone who can, unless they use it as a replacement for their regular grocery store (and yes, people do!).
Secondly - well, as my mom used to say - if you don't like it, there's the door. Or, if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all. Or - you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. Or - the way to a man's heart is through his stomach ... oh wait, that wasn't my mom .... ;-)
Posted by: mar at August 4, 2007 07:54 AMAliastaken--You're right; it shouldn't irritate you. You don't know how much our salaries are, how much our mortgages are, what we buy and why, and how hard we work our tails off to have the things we do. It's hard to make excuses without hauling out the paperwork, and that's obviously beyond the scope of what I'm going to do on a blog.
Posted by: Leah at August 4, 2007 11:31 AMThere's no need to make excuses. Mar is right; it was rude of me to say anything in the first place. I apologize for saying out loud what I was thinking in my head. I really didn't need to comment (especially twice, quite by accident).
Posted by: aliastaken at August 4, 2007 02:58 PMNo worries.
Posted by: Leah at August 4, 2007 03:44 PMSince moving to Europe, I have not come across a Costco or Sam's Club...I thought I would miss it, however, Tesco and Dunnes Stores are Walmart wannabes...
Posted by: Dee at August 4, 2007 03:56 PMSince moving to Europe, I have not come across a Costco or Sam's Club...I thought I would miss it, however, Tesco and Dunnes Stores are Walmart wannabes...
Posted by: Dee at August 4, 2007 03:56 PMSince moving to Europe, I have not come across a Costco or Sam's Club...I thought I would miss it, however, Tesco and Dunnes Stores are Walmart wannabes...
Posted by: Dee at August 4, 2007 03:56 PMCongrats on becoming an Auntie - whohooo!
Posted by: carrster at August 6, 2007 02:21 PMomgbabybabybaby. baby fevahhhhh!
Posted by: whitney at August 7, 2007 09:24 AMAlways buy the biggest package of TP (you'll always use it in the, uh, end) and the largest jar of peanut butter (same reason, that is, unless one suffers from peanut allergies or thinks the stuff is nasty).
Posted by: Texas T-bone at August 10, 2007 09:10 AM
