Shake It Up
Sometimes when we're out walking and eating at the same time (what?), Simon will toss his burrito wrapper or empty soda can on the sidewalk. Even though he's doing it for the very specific reason of making us both recoil in horror, I still can't help myself from, well, recoiling in horror. To me, the thought of dropping trash on the ground or throwing it out the window of a moving vehicle is against the order of the natural universe. It feels like I'm a snake, a big one, and a group of schoolkids on tour of my terrarium are petting me against the grain of my scales; I feel my skin prickle and my stomach do a side-twisting back-handspring, and I want to systematically sink my venemous fangs into each of their prepubescent forearms until they agree to only stroke only head to tail from then on. Watching someone throw garbage on the ground is as bad even as if they'd done "shave and a haircut" without the "two bits." Drives me batty.
It drives Simon batty too--the litterbug thing--but in true Simon style, he likes to push his own boundaries every once in a while to shake things up, and throwing a napkin into the gutter now and then is safer than skydiving, so I don't complain. Whenever he throws garbage on the ground, I'm a mess of nerves, convinced we're going to get arrested or be docked ten points on our citizenship report card. Meanwhile, he revels in the delicious torture of so bold-faced an act, and I can see him testing himself, wondering how long he can stand it before cleaning up, and not just his mess but probably also someone else's.*
I was reminded of this yesterday when, as I was taking off my pants last night, instead of undoing the button first and then the zipper, I reversed the process, zipper first, then button. It was a tiny little detail, but I got that same against-the-grain feeling in my gut and, with it, a little thrill. I guess it's a product of having too regular a routine if something so minor could throw me for a loop the way it did. But, in true Leah style, I turned a pathetic situation into a positive one, reasoning that I am not sorely lacking in excitement but instead incredibly lucky to be so easily entertained. For some people to really feel "alive," they have to don chainmail jumpsuits and swim with sharks or freebase methamphetamines with scabby hobos. Me, I just undo the zipper before the button and wham! I'm walking on the wild side.
Other things that rock my world include:
--driving twenty feet without my seatbelt on
--skipping my facial moisturizer with UV protection
--going commando under a skirt while still at home
--biting into a stick of butter
Okay, I've never actually bitten into a stick of butter, but doesn't the thought of it just make you turn inside-out? *shudder* Please tell me I'm not alone in getting a kick out of this sort of thing. Otherwise, I'm going to have to sign up for Fear Factor.
*Although he still might pick up a random bit of trash from the gutter, Simon has retired from cleaning up after people while they're still within swinging range. He once saw a biker type (burly, hairy) toss a wrapper to the ground in a parking lot, and he (Simon) made a point to not only go over and put the wrapper in the dumpster but to say to Mr. Harley-Davidson, "Let me get that for you." He (Simon) almost got his ass kicked.
Oh, man, I am SO with you on this. I think twenty feet sans seatbelt is about as far as I could go, though. I almost feel as though I will be EJECTED from the CAR like, NOW if I don't put it on. I have no idea if I have ever undone my zipper before my button, but I imagine it would elicit a similar response to yours. I have never purposely littered, ever. That is something I just might not be able to handle.
There's some family tale about my mom as a kid, sitting in frong to the 'fridge eating butter. It always made me a bit gaggy, and I LOVE butter! (but for cooking, and putting on bread...)
Having bitten into a stick of butter I assure you that it rocks. Use ketchup.
Sometimes I don't wash my hands right after going to the bathroom, even though I'm just getting right into the shower. It gives me those same heebie jeebies. Something just is not right with the world. :) Funny post.
If I'm just moving the car in the yard, I have to put my seatbelt on or I feel like I'M GOING TO DIE!
1. i had a coworker with a pregnant wife who, apparently, would regularly sit around gnawing on a stick of butter. . .
2. ever since i had amnesia for about 15 minutes after getting in a bike accident (my helmet saved my ass that day), i can't ride a bike without a helmet anymore - it freaks me out. . .
3. i actually make an effort to avoid throwing things like apple cores and banana peels into a trash can and instead i litter by tossing 'em under a bush or something. . . for some (possibly retarded) reason i figure decomposing like that is better than going into a landfill. . .
4. one of the hardest against-the-grain feeling things i've done was the first time i peed in my wetsuit while surfing. . . now it's not a problem and actually feels really good 'cuz it warms you right up. . .
heh...this is timely, then...(from sfist, re: litterbugs in san francisco)
Why go commando only at home? In the summer time, it's such a wonderful, breezy feeling and makes me walk around with a bit of a smirk on my face -- a secret I don't have to share!
I'm with Audrey: pro-commando.
As to what makes me nervous - not wearing a bra. I take off it off for showers and boy-time, but that's it. It makes me feel like I'm not wearing my own skin.
Wow, nice impression: my comment is solely about underthings. Viva!
For what it's worth, I'm pro-commando as well. But you already know that.
Ladies--Don't you find that your legs get all sweaty and slimy when you sit with your legs crossed while wearing a skirt? Doesn't that translate to going commando too? Is this TMI?
I went commando under my skirt, during an abnormally warm DC spring day, while working in a House office building. And let me tell you, there is nothing more risque than that.
Oh and yes, to your above question. Yes to translating to going commando. But no to TMI. Who doesn't want to hear about going commando and being hot and sweaty??
Oh man all that stuff drives me nuts.
I once tried conditioner first then shampoo. It was horrible.
And don't get me started on the milk first then cereal thing.
It's just not human.
As for the cammando thing, I discovered something better when I realised I REALLY needede to do some laundry...
Wash your underpants as normal and then put them on like that. Wet.
This was great in the days of high school welding class in the middle of summer. Felt wrong though.
Leah, I totally heart you. Also, jaywalking? I feel like a freaking drug dealer.
Yes! Jaywalking!
Thank you for the smile that still splits my face from ear to ear.
This was one of my favorite entries EVER. Too funny.
I have a twin sister, and my mom said she found us sitting in front of the refrigerator when we were toddlers. We were gnawing on the same stick of butter (one on each end). Isn't that disgusting? Neither of us have an aversion to butter as adults, which surprises me.
Butter makes a great moisturizer, I'm told, but it also does not have UV protection.
If it was socially acceptable for me to wear skirts (my Scottish ancestry notwithstanding), I would go commando all over the place. Except when I'm going to sit on metal bleachers. That would be WRONG.