January 23, 2007
Crying Shame
Sometimes when I turn on the television, I'm pleasantly surprised by what I find playing on the channel that comes up first. For example, last Sunday night we were kinda sorta half-watching an episode of Extreme Makeover, but we had to leave before the final reveal to catch our 7:40 movie. (Pan's Labyrinth = good but super violent and definitely not for kids.) When we got back from the movie threeish hours later, I flipped the tv on again, and what should appear on the screen but the second half of the same Extreme Makeover episode we were watching when we'd left. Awesome. It was good to know that nice woman's face didn't get stuck looking like a bandaged rutabega forever.
There are other times, though, when I'm not so pleased about what comes on the tv right when I turn it on, for example last night, when Supernanny blasted forth on the screen with a toddler tantrum of great proportion and volume. Oy, the 5.1 surround-sound screaming, it was enough to kill a person. Or at least make a person donate his or her ears to charity.
Simon didn't say it, but I could tell he was thinking, as oft he does, "And you actually want one of those? On purpose?" And, you know, even though I'm quite dedicated to the Babywatch 2008 cause, sometimes I ask myself the same question. I mean, maybe I don't really want one. Maybe I only want one when the geeks at Apple have invented a non-screaming, non-stinking, self-cleaning model. Maybe I just want to be pregnant so I have an excuse to talk about my boobs and my gas and post pictures of my stomach online so everyone will tell me how cute it is when it is anything other than washboard flat.
Seriously, what is it about pregnancy that makes bodily functions suddenly headline news? Don't misunderstand me--I actually like hearing about most of it (equal parts peparation*, warning, and perspective that makes me thankful I don't have to get up to pee fourteen times a night). No, this is not a criticism or a complaint but more a general observation about how even the most meek and private of ladies, upon their blessed impregnations, all of a sudden bust out with a full report on the state of their hemherroids over brunch. Sure, I guess my nonpregnant self could do the same if I really wanted to--talk about how gigantic my pre-menstrual boobs have been the last two days and would everyone like to touch them because they're amazing? But then I could also take off all my clothes, hop up on a table, and start doing the Chicken Dance, couldn't I? See, there's just something about the mystique of the enciente that makes socially acceptable things that are otherwise not okay for the rest of us.
Let's just add "complete freedom to talk in detail about bodily functions" to the growing list of Worst Reasons to Have a Baby, among which are:
--save marriage/sanity/the whales
--win irony points by dressing Baby as a thug
--test the veracity of coworkers' interest in my ability to do anything besides fixing the same incorrect punctuation for the tenth time this week (there is no space after an opening quotation mark, dammit!)
--get a stack of gift certificates to Toys R Us
--ennui
*Ever since my AlphaMom interview about the importance of mommyblogs to those of us who aren't (yet) mommies (mommys?), I've been obsessed with the fact that I said ON CAMERA that I read fifty mommyblogs a day. First of all, that can't possibly be true, can it?, and second of all, why would I say something like that even if it were true? Fifty mommyblogs A DAY? FIFTY? Who do I think I am? Amalah? Someone who needs an intervention? (Someone who needs a baby?)
Posted by Leah at January 23, 2007 03:49 PM
As a mother, I probably shouldn't say this, but don't be seduced by this cult. You know the saying, Misery Loves Company?
Misery also change diapers, drive minivans and discuss bodily functions online, as you noted.
Also, I saw Supernanny last night, and those children were pretty normal - they just needed some less flaky parents. So really, try to get a cult member to slip you the manual - this isn't all it's cracked up to be. On the other hand, free hugs and kisses all the time outweighs it for me.
Posted by: Karen Rani at January 23, 2007 04:26 PMYou totally do want a baby. I felt just like that (like maybe I was too old and set in my ways and what if it was awful and I couldn't take it back and also babies are a big mess) but then I had one, and it's REALLY FUN.
All that other stuff is still true, but it doesn't matter at all.
Two thumbs up for baby-having! (And I'm 36 and practically have OCD about messes - if I can deal with it, anybody can!)
Posted by: Heath at January 23, 2007 04:51 PMWait. Wait. There really is a manual? Oh, those liars!!
Anyway...
I was just gonna say that if you need any advice or tips on how to read 50 mommyblogs a day, just stop by Karen's place (Troll Baby) 'cause BoyHowdee she's on a roll. But, never mind; she's already commented here and I cannot BELIEVE she didn't mention her new video that's coming out.
Anyway Dux...
I didn't bore these children o' mine (although I bore them a-plenty every night.. BaDumBum...) but I might as well have because my ability to do all of those bodily function things has gone up exponentially equivalent to the amount of times I had to yell, "Quit playin' with yer yanker!" And that's quite a lot.
And don't be watchin' that Super Nanny crap. That'll scare the eggs right outta ya!
;)
Sadly, my girls are the products of an Apple employee (well, at the time of all 3 conceptions), and they are still not the new improved model. And we tried to upgrade 3 times!
But babies are CUTE! Don't watch SuperNanny, go to a park. Much better. Or go somewhere with cute babies. It's just like kittens & puppies - they suck you in with the cuteness, and then you're attached by the time they get annoying. :)
Posted by: rachel at January 23, 2007 06:24 PMAll new readers: get thee to the archives. I am the last person who needs to be convinced that I need to have a baby.
Posted by: Leah at January 23, 2007 07:40 PMthose kids last night were quite normal and the parents well intentioned. maybe you should stop watching all nanny type shows now. and honestly, i hate hearing about all the pregnancy bodily changes, in blog and regular world. even when i was pregnant, it irritated me. dunno why.
Posted by: jenB at January 23, 2007 09:09 PMMy unsolicited advice is to NOT read everything you can about pregnancy and babies. Anxiety and the joys of new experiences are part of the rollercoaster that is parenthood. Learn too much beforehand and it's like writing yourself love notes, or wrapping your own Christmas presents. Not as much fun as making your own mistakes. Sure, some knowledge is power. But you gotta find your own way, too. When the time comes, we'll be here to toss you nuggets of affirmation, but you'd be just fine without us.
I was offered a beta version of Apple iSpawn, but I would have had to upgrade my hard drive and motherboard. So we made kiddos the old-fashioned way. :-)
Posted by: Texas T-bone at January 23, 2007 09:16 PM
My best friend lovingly asked me why the hell she should have kids because I was scaring the bejeesus out of her. To which I had to remember that as funny and sarcastic as I can face the whole mom gig at times, it's just as equally terrifying to those who are waiting to become one and just perhaps, she might not appreciate the importance of folic acid and hemorrhoid cream in detail.
And honestly, what IS it about announcing all this crap to everyone? Can't I find something normal to talk about?
So. How 'bout them Yankees?
Posted by: Mrs. Flinger at January 23, 2007 11:52 PMMaybe I only want one when the geeks at Apple have invented a non-screaming, non-stinking, self-cleaning model.
You do realize that the iBaby (complete with thug skins) will be made obsolete within two years once Apple introduces the iToddler.
Posted by: Tim at January 24, 2007 08:04 AMSometimes I too try to understand why I really, really want another baby - yesterday on the bus there was an incessant fuss-budget of the age of 1.5, and it brought back all those haunting memories of tantrums for no good reason and sleepless nights, but babies aren't babies forever. Soon they become five and five is a really good age. You can talk to them and stuff. Plus when you have a baby people give you things and worry over you, and that's fun.
Posted by: Rebecca at January 24, 2007 09:17 AMGuilty as charged. I wrote (write?) too much about bodily functions and problems. The kicker? I didn't even mention the REALLY bad things happening to my body while pregnant. Consider yourself warned. But to quote every mom on the planet, "It's so worth it!"
Posted by: Angella at January 24, 2007 09:18 AMJust think Leah you'll be experiencing the miracle of childbirth...something that only everyone who has ever lived on the planet has been conected to.
Don't get me wrong...I like kids, I think you should have kids but try not to worry about it. When it happens you won't ever say...I wish we did this a year sooner or a year later.
Also, you're a blog liar...50 a day. Come on.
Posted by: will at January 24, 2007 12:20 PMWill, you underestimate the power of my regret. Most likely, when I have a kid, I'll wish I'd had it both earlier AND later. Nice, eh?
Posted by: Leah at January 24, 2007 01:18 PMi totally read mommy blogs too. yours is the only one that i read that isn't a mommy! ?? i think to me its b/c moms and their lives intrigue me and are interesting...well not as interesting as mine...but i think i love watching the bloggers become pregnant and follow them through the belly stages. or maybe its that i just really really am preparing myself for what happens when i do become a mom. b/c i want one NOW! just kidding. really i am. but these damn mommy blogs make me want to have one dammit!
Posted by: Amy at January 24, 2007 01:22 PMThe Dooce letters to Leta get me all baby-wanting every damn time.
Posted by: felicity at January 24, 2007 02:29 PMThe word "mommyblog" makes me want to stab my eye out. But so does the world "blog."
Posted by: the slackmistress at January 24, 2007 04:17 PMThe change to "talk about everything" seems to be permanent, too: at a party the other day, an older mom told me all about her prolapsed uterus. We were EATING at the time.
We often watch Comedy Central in the evenings, and then I turn on the TV in the morning for the kids and we see certain Inappropriate Situations. Or we watch Fox, and then first thing in the morning the kids see 5 seconds of the latest on someone's killing spree.
Posted by: Swistle at January 27, 2007 10:17 AMAll those awful kids on Supernanny are like that cause their parents are dumbasses. The end.
Posted by: justJENN at January 28, 2007 10:49 PM
