January 18, 2007
Cletus the Fetus?
Just before school let out for Winter Break, my aunt, who is an elementary school principal, held a contest among her fourth, fifth, and sixth graders to name the forthcoming manchild of her daughter, my cousin, who is due any day now. Each kid was given a form (printed on blue paper) and instructed to write down three name suggestions, under contract that if the parents choose one of their names, the student(s) win a $25 gift certificate to a local toy store. Sweet deal, eh? (This is the brainchild of the same aunt who promised her students that if they read a million pages she would get married in the school auditorium/cafeteria and they would all be invited. (They did, she did, and all the kids showed up in dresses and ties and each got a piece of the wedding cake. SO CUTE.))
Among the hundreds of bids for both Miguel and Michael (one kid used up all his chances on "Miguel," "Michael," and "Mikey") were a few gems that really stood out and practically begged to be shared with the entire Internet world, especially since I know how hard it is for some of you to come up with boy names *cough cough Lainey cough*. Ever the happy helper I, maybe this will inspire some of you out there who are at a loss for manly handles for your future son. (For the record--and I'm only telling you this on condition that you promise not to steal it--I have already decided I shall call my first manchild "Jareth," after the goblin king in Labyrinth as portrayed by a ruffle-shirted David Bowie.* Let that be a precursor to the names that follow.)
As it turns out, most of the students were pretty traditional, suggesting names that were remarkable only for what they revealed about the school's ethnic makeup. There were a lot of Alejandros, for instance, and even some traditional African names here and there. Along those same lines, also interesting were the names of these kids themselves. If one were to draw a Venn diagram of naming trends, these 9-, 10-, 11-, and 12-year olds are snug in the overlap between the "McKennaleigh and Jaymison and Slayte Era" and the "Age of Olivia and Henry and Algernon." I mean, some of these kids had more silent letters in their names than fingers on which to count them, and all the rest of them sounded like the 2007 Shuffleboard Championship lineup. No wonder so many of them suggested names like Max or Joe or Junior.
I was perplexed to find a handful of kids suggested the name "Toolio." Like "Coolio," I suppose, except instead of being cool, he's a tool. Yeah... Apparently the name is not a popularity deterrent, however, as my aunt informed me that Toolio happens to be the name of the most beloved kid on campus. Or was it most ridiculed? I can't remember.
Some of the bolder kids, unswayed by Toolio's reign of the playground, really dug to the depths of their baby-naming vaults and surfaced with some genuine stunners. I'm thinking of those who went the uncompromisingly feminine route, proffering names like Sharla and Jessica for the ever imminent bouncing baby boy.
But the best three suggestions all came from one single kid, who proposed in his humble scrawl the following monnikers: Fifty Cent, Yoda, and Elevador [sic]. Wow. Just wow. I might also mention that this is the same kid who wrote down his teacher's name as "Bebbi Wight" (Debbie White), which I point out not to make fun of him because that would be mean but because I find it fascinating. Why not "Wite"? Or "Whyt"? Or anything but the befuddling British "ight"? Anyway, the day I intentionally hurt the feelings of a kid who thinks Elevador is a good name for my cousin (once removed) is the day the world stops turning and goes gray.
For now, my cousin's son remains unborn and unnamed, so until that time, I'm going to have to trust you not to use Elevador yourselves, okay? Do we have a deal? After that, Lainey's got dibs.
*I may be kidding here. But don't steal it just in case.
If you name your future son Jareth, he will grow up to sport a mule knuckle. It's fate.
Posted by: Emily at January 18, 2007 05:56 PMElevador? Some where, some how, I am using that name. I don't care if I have to get a goldfish for my desk, something in my life will have that name.
I am, however, going to have to pronounce it with a decidedly Spanish flair, with the accent on the final syllable.
Posted by: Frank at January 18, 2007 08:01 PMThrough nearly 25 years of teaching, my wife assures me that the overwhelming majority of "Problem" boys in her classrooms had names that started with "J."
I've asked her co-workers and they've mostly supported her observations.
I realize that this is not scientific and in no way even statistically supportable...still, I thought it my duty to pass this on.
Should little Jareth be sent home from school in 4th grade for refusing to leave the little girls bathroom, don't say you weren't warned.
In response to iamnot's comment about J-names: it seems the majority of popular boy names start with J anyway. At least I'd like to believe that as I've dated about 10 J-named males, and about 3 that weren't.
Or maybe I just fall for the bad boy.
Posted by: El at January 19, 2007 07:00 AMCan I use Elevador if I throw a 'Y' in it to change the spelling? Elevaydor? I'm thinking Elevaydor Toolio.
Posted by: lainey at January 19, 2007 07:30 AMYour aunt sounds wonderful! I love hearing about baby names since I know how hard it can be to find one that fits. (Especially if you have an ornery husband with differing opinions from your own.)
Posted by: Amanda at January 19, 2007 08:12 AMI have actually met (or read about) two Jareths. Both Mormon.
So that name is out for me - no worries about me stealing it.
I, too, have a name picked out for our future child, but of course we're not pregnant yet. Maybe I should have waited for a name until fertilized? Did I jinx it?
Posted by: Alyce at January 19, 2007 08:23 AMYour aunt sounds awesome! I would love to see the entire list. I'm glad I don't have to think of baby names anymore - it's HARD :)
Posted by: Angella at January 19, 2007 09:07 AMThere is so much about this particular entry, coupled with the last one ("Arm! Down! Baby! God!), that makes me happy. It's not often that someone's writing makes me laugh out loud, but even better was the fact that I flat out giggled through both of these posts. Thanks for brightening my day, and also offering an idea for my classroom when I someday get pregnant with a boy and Sean is still insisting on the name "Seamus."
Posted by: Missy at January 19, 2007 10:46 AMThe only Seamus I've ever met was a black laborador retriever. Just sayin'.
Posted by: Leah at January 19, 2007 11:04 AMOur mom told Older SlackBRother J. and I we could name our younger brother when he came along. We conferred for days (I was 5, J. was 7; it was an awesome responsibility.) We finally came to my mother with two options, in case she didn't like the first.
1. Tarzan
2. G.I. Joe
There was a quick lobby for Peter Parker, but by then SlackMom was lighting a Newport 100 with one hand and smacking the crap out of us with the other. Alas.
I asked my husband, who is a teacher, about the J-name-troublemaker theory. He teaches middle school social studies. He said not so much. There were a few J-names, and they were big troublemakers, but not even most of the troublemakers were J-names. Maybe it's a regional thing? ;)
I have a name picked out for our not-yet conceived child too. However, only a girl name. I think we thought of a boy name but I don't really remember it. I must really love it, huh?
Posted by: Paige at January 19, 2007 02:44 PMI think we ladies are genetically programmed to plan our babies' names far in advance of their existence. It makes the world go 'round. Happily, I've met my match in Simon, who not only does the same thing, but plays along in pairing his last name with interesting first names we come across. Admittedly, it's gotten out of hand at times. I mean, do we really want to name our children "Celexa" and "Delorean"? I think not.
p.s. Another aunt of mine, when she was little, said she wanted to name her first child Soggy Eyeballs. WTF? At last count she has seven kids and not a Soggy Eyeball among them. (Lainey, you could use that one too if you want.)
Posted by: Leah at January 19, 2007 02:56 PMWe pair names with our possibly-going-to-be-combined new last name, you know, hypothetically speaking. Unfortunately, Hulk hates my favorite boy name and I hate his, so we'll just have to have girls.
Posted by: Emily at January 19, 2007 06:16 PMthis is hysterical. Thank you so much for this laugh, it was a great way to close the day! You do need to let us all know what name she chooses, though!
Posted by: rachel at January 23, 2007 06:30 PM
