A Girl...

Oh, I totally understand and support your rush-y feelings. The feelings of wanting things to begin and be going and be done before you do other things.

If you need any wedding planning support or baby fussing support, you let me know. There will be no "chill out, woman!" from the Meg, because, as you say... we all have our timelines.

I would have loved your timeline, but sadly, a couple idiotic breakups and one infertility diagnosis leaves me wondering a bit what's next at 32.

But it leaves me free time to help:). So let me know!

You have plenty of time fo the babies, you've worked so hard to grt to this point. Sit back and enjoy it a while.

No "Chill Out, Woman" here. All you're going to get from me is sympathy because, well, I get it. I totally do.

Will--You are a boy. You don't get it.

What do you mean? I understand, I just disagree.

I mean that just because I HAVE time doesn't mean I want to TAKE that time. It won't work for anyone to convince me that I have many many good years ahead of me to do all the things I want to do--I already know that. This is simply a matter of personal preference. Besides, haven't you heard? The future is NOW.

(And none of this means I'm not completely enjoying where I'm at right now, because I am. You know as well as anyone, Will, that I'm not taking any of this for granted.)

I don't think you need to chill. You have given this much thought are examining the possibilities and when you want them to cross your paths.
Just know that the internet will explode with joy when you do get engaged, married, and have a baby...whatever order those things happen in.

I know you better than to think you don't cherish the time you're having. Whatever you do, I'll think it's awesome because you always do the right thing.

Aw, sweetie!

(Also, you said "cherish." The Slackmistress is, paradoxically, making you kind of gay, isn't she?)

Do you ever watch Friends? Your whole post reminds me of Rachel's birthday where she freaks out about all the stuff she wants to get done by the time she's 33? 30? 35? I don't remember the age. But it's along the same lines- I want to have a baby by 35, but be married a year before we get pregnant, so be married by 33, a year to plan the wedding, so engaged by 32, but two years of dating- OMG!! I must be dating the guy I want to marry by... NOW!!
Ok. Sorry for the terrible recap. All that to say, I get it. You'll get no CHILL OUT WOMAN from over here, either. I think all us girls had or have those timelines. They kind of suck, cuz wouldn't it be nice to just take life as it comes? But alas, I have yet to meet the girl that thinks like that.

I hate to be this commenter, but chill out. An extra year or two being childless but in love with your smoking hot love slave will or should ease the pangs of no baby. That said, I would have chosen to have my baby younger, but circumstances, like infertility, etc, prevented that. It was frustrating and even kind of scary as 35 was looming. But is was OK. Mostly I worry your frenzy to procreate and inability to do it EXACTLY at a certain time will or is making you unhappy, when I believe, it should not.

So, chill out, with love.

xoxoxo

No wisdom here. I'll be as excited as everyone else when you DO get married, have babies, etc...whenever that is.

And the 30's DO rock :)

I've read your blog for a few months now but never commented (don't ask why, I have no idea). Anyway, I just wanted to say I completely understand that feeling of wanting the wedding and marriage and babies because if you're a person who has wanted that for a long time (and it seems like you are) then those feelings are only magnified by a billion when you're with and in love with someone you just can't get enough of.
When I met my husband, I knew I wanted all those things already. What took me by surprise was one day, I woke up, looked over at him and thought to myself "I WANT A LIFE WITH THIS MAN AND HIS BABIES AS SOON AS POSSIBLE." It was just shouting at me, there's no ignoring it and really, there's no waiting. I understand.

Can I just say "Word"? I've yet to meet a woman who doesn't have one of these timelines in their head. I've got the guy but yea, I'll be 28 right after we get married and I wanna enjoy being married without kids for a couple of years but then I'll be 30 and I have this silly idea that I want to have my first kid by the time I'm 30 which means trying to get pregnant before then and how is that enough time?

And then I freak out about how busy and tired we are NOW and how can we possibly have the energy for kids? And isn't it nice to be unencumbered? But then I go read Dooce or Watch Holly and it's all "tick, tick tick!!" and "aww" and shit.

I get it. My timeline was a little later than yours, but I get it. I got married at 27, spent three lovely years getting married, and I'm turning 31 in two weeks. And dude, I don't know what it is about 31 that has me all flipped out, but I'm all DUDE. DUDE. BABYBABYBABYBABY NOWNOWNOW. Do I know there's time? Sure. It's not forever, but there is TIME, for God's sake, AND, I'm of the mind that if I couldn't have my own, I would adopt without a single qualm, so actually there IS an assload of time. And yet, no. No, I am not having any of the "there is time" talk. Because in my mind THERE IS NO TIME AT ALL THERE IS ONLY BABYBABYBABYBABYBABY HELLO BABY FROM ANYWHERE BABY.

It's funny how we all try to go down that prescribed rout through life. Marriage, baby, baby, marriage. It causes more stress than good. You'll figure it all out.

But then, I do vote for baby. :)

I - um - don't want to contribute to the madness BUT, it DOES take 10 months to make a baby. And that is something that you really do need to consider.

You also need to consider what if it doesn't happen right away and you start to freak, oh no, what is wrong with my ovaries? Then the baby comes. Then comes another one a little too quickly and you suddenly realize, wow, my ovaries work, yay! I'm saying from experience, totally.

Yay for you for planning. I like planning.

every day I click over thinking, is today the day she'll announce she is engaged? not because of any timeline but because Simon is so perfect and you seem so happy. and not that being engaged is the end all be all but I guess it secretly lurks in the back of my brain that it would be so wonderful to watch you go through the poofiness and everything... because it was so fun for me, I could relive it all through you.

Hey you know if you want practice planning a wedding uber fast (so you can shorten the time line a bit) you are welcome to take over mine. PLEASE take over mine!

Ah, le timeline. I get it. And yet, I get the Simon-tinged loveliness of kind of strolling along and letting things figure themselves out. The thing is: the strolling and the timeline, as we know, do not mix. And I would never tell someone not to be a planner because planning! is ! good! I love planning!

Here's the good part that I see in your timeline: you aren't playing around with the "settling" thing in any area. You aren't finding a "manageable" boyfriend who makes you feel like you've just eaten a fairly nice sandwich to fulfill your plan- no, you have a lovely boy who wears hats and makes honey martinis and genuinely makes your heart do a two-stepping pitter patter. This is the most important, and while I realize it doesn't get you farther along with engagement, wedding, baby, it is fantastical.

So, I join your confusion.

The End.

* Except for: the P.S. I had a coworker who made ridiculous amounts of money and had her wedding in Vegas. It was big and poofy, PLUS it was a bit of an elopement since it meant that people had to love her enough to travel. Since then, I've thought I could manage quite nicely with a strapless dress, some Fluevogs and the people who like me best.

Did I REALLY just leave a comment that long? Oy.

I live the same "shit"...future is now. I do feel there are so many things to be accomplished and I have no time...I am totaly in a rush. Me and R have had a beautiful relationship for 3 years allready...but no engagement, no marriage, no baby! Few months ago I used to be so frustrated because every woman around me was pregnant or had at least a child...I was feeling that I am TOO SLOW. When I come to the point that I need more time to pursue my career without the responsiblities of a child, to became firmly rooted in my own existence, to enjoy every minute with my mate partener, you know what happened?
R told me that he wanted so badly kids...that time is running, that we are emotionaly ready to settle down.
So...I think we have to lead with our head and we have to know what we want...as if it would make it much more easier!

Ahem. When you are ready, you are ready. You aren't going to stop being ready, while you wait until Simon is ready, unless you find out that he never planned on being ready. Perhaps it's time to make a plan? On second thought, you two are so perfectly cute, I'd be surprised if you DIDN't have a two or five year plan.

But honestly: I believed in marriage first, kids after. Now I'd just be happy to do it all on my own. Maybe because I'm 31 now and have no hope of finding my future husband for at least another day or two. Then, like the Rachael/friends thing, there's the dating and moving in and engagement and planning of the wedding then the year for ourselves then the trying to get pregnant...

I feel very similarly but have recently had a realisation.
If you want it so badly, and you are happy and committed in your relationship, then why not just bite the bullet and do it now? Talk to him. Who knows what could happen?

Well, if you change "before 30" to "before 35", then you'll have plenty of time to do everything in the right order :).

But I know all about "I want it now", I am the same regarding a lot of stuff. I's a trait that can be great (as it means you're good at formulating your goals), but the side effect is that the nagging impatience tends to take up too much mind space. I am actually training myself to be more patient, but it's soo hard!

I get it too. I didn't meet my guy until I was 30...we just got married 3 months ago which means I'm 33...clock is ticking and the time for "enjoying being newlyweds" is slipping away because I am in baby-mode. I can't help it and can hear the clock ticking very loudly! I'm so paranoid that there will be problems conceiving and I will just keep getting older. Timelines are what they are. Each person's is different...so whether you chill or not, you'll keep your own.

I'm vehemently anti-schedule, so I have to say it: Chill OUT. Just think of all the great things that have happened since your schedule got thrown off the last time. :)

My reaction to this is all over the place, but mostly I get it, and if your timeline is super-important to you, then it's super-important and "chill out" isn't really applicable.

So here's a thought: why don't YOU propose to Simon? Like, now. Or soon. Get that timeline going, chicky! Take control, yadda yadda.

It's a little turnabout and all that, but I have to say, the whole baby-before-wedding thing seems odd to me, but I am weirdly traditional in all sorts of ways, plus I do think that a wedding - not necessarily poufy, but a Wedding with a capital W - is a wonderful thing to have, mostly to gather together lots of people you love in one place to, you know, seal the deal and all. You WILL regret it later if you don't have that.

Oh my god, there must be something in the water. I hear you. Oh, how I hear you. I feel like I wasted 6 and a half years of my life on someone who wasn't worthy of those 6.5 years, nor of having children, and I completely denied that I ever wanted any... but now I'm dating the most wonderful, father-material-ish man in the world and damn biological clock, I'm absolutely craving babies. Ick. Well, not ick, but dammit! And he wants them, but he's traditional. Marriage first. I'm 31 in one and a half months. He's 4 years younger. And he told me, "We'll have a baby in 2 years." TWO FRIGGIN YEARS??! I'll be 33. Gestation period and wanting to have 2 of these things... You want to be logical and wait until ready and all that jazz, but I really understand the impulse to rush.

so i'd like to be that reader that says, hey girl! just chill out!
but. i cant. because i am totally with you. except that i'm the 22 year old that has 25 in her sites for mother/wife/dishes and dinner and laundry, oh my! and it doesnt help that i'm breaking the line of generations married at 17 (::gasp!!::)
but i fully believe, age aside, when the time is right it just kinda sort of happens. so hang tight and hope that simon is as patient as my guy is when i go into freak out mode, lol

I think that the most important thing is to make sure you and Simon are on the same page. I can't tell you how many people I know who never really talked about this stuff with their partner and then were bummed (or divorced) because their life's "agenda" wasn't met.

I am a firm believer that there is no "right" way to do anything! As long as it's "right" in your mind and you're ready! Bring it on, mama!

A couple of things from the unexpectedly-married over here.

1. Weddings can look very nice in your mind but ultimately, you can and will have ONLY the wedding that fits with your life. I'm the girliest girl around. I would have LOVED to plan a gorgeous, perfectly-executed affair with a sparkly bit of bling on my left hand. I met Stuart and you know what? I married him in City Hall with no bling and no big party because it wasn't what was going to work for us. Do I miss the bling a little? Of COURSE. Would I trade it? Never.

2. I know you're ready, so I'd never tell you to chill out. But the fact is, Simon isn't. And until he's ready, you're not really ready either - unless, like some astute commenter pointed out, he's never going to be (which I doubt). Ready is a state that only exists when BOTH parties arrive, honey.

3. Have faith, though, that not only will you get what you want in life, the way you get it will be the only possible right way for you to get there. Does that make sense?

As always, feel free to ignore or deride all advice from pH, Inc. It's free of charge.

Oh Leah, I know exactly what you mean. I had a timeline of my own. I just had to get married before I turned 27. And yet whenever John brought up the subject of marriage during the first few years of our relationship, I kept plastering my hand over his mouth. But then I turned 26. And suddenly I was, "OMG! Why aren't I married yet?" Luckily John had already planned on proposing or he wouldn't have been too thrilled with my sudden rush to make things official.

He proposed on January 4th. I was going to turn 27 on Sep 28th. So we got married Sep 5th. Yep, I really am that crazy.

Now it's baby time. I'm going to turn 30 on Sep 28th and I had planned on having one before then. Well, to accomplish that, I'd have to get pregnant right now. And I probably could. (I already know I'm crazy fertile.) But I also feel I should be at my healthiest. I need to lose about 15 lbs, work out more, take my damn prenatals, etc. So I've relaxed my timeline.

You're right, having a baby is bigger than getting married, which is why I feel a decision like that can't come down to a timeline I set for myself before I knew any better.

Y'all are so lovely, not to mention RIGHT in so many different ways. I'll try to write up a fitting response to it all, but for now I'm going to let this entry sit and gather more of your thoughts.

Welcome to my world..Babies and optometry school and weddings and akkk.. Thou has hitteth the nail on the head.

I started to make a comment that was very personal and, you know, schmoopy and stuff, and then I read everyone else's comments a few times and realized how widespread this is.

Now I'm really interested from a sociological perspective, in terms of what society tells us is approrpriate or important when it comes to our Timeline of Meaningful Events - engagement, marriage, baby etc. While things have changed since our parents' generation, they haven't changed all that much. I'd like to think that my mom threw a curveball into the equasion by choosing not to marry until she was 29 (that I came along 9 months later was a happy accident of her biological clock ticking a little louder than expected). But in the 1970s, getting married at 29 was SO OLD. Now I think back on it, and think about how I feel at 27.75, and realize that my dad already had a kid at my age and another on the way. And since I am 27.75, 29 doesn't seem that old to me.

But even though the timeline has shifted a bit, and it's a lot more socially acceptable to make babies even if you aren't married, most of us still have that traditional timeline engraved - engagement, marriage, baby. And for me, when I read parenting blogs and infertility blogs I feel a little bit frightened about my prospects for fecundity past the age of 32 - I mean, isn't it impossible to get pregnant if you're over 35? or somthing? seems like it. But I look at my own mom, who totally did her own thing and had her babies at 30, 33, and 37, and we all turned out fine.

Though I'd like to think that I'm more egalitarian about people's life choices, some little bit of traditional WASPy upbringing still clucks disapprovingly in my head when I see celebrities having babies and then getting married, or having babies without getting married at all. And while I completely understand where you're coming from in terms of your internal timeline, I don't think it's up to me to tell you how to feel. The choices that you and Simon make about your lives are your own choices.

After reading everyone's comments, I am totally fascinated by that societal message, and how things have changed to some degree, there's still so much traditional cultural baggage hanging around. I think it probably affects women more than it does men, though that's obviously a generalization. But men don't have to worry about infertility due to age (aren't 80-year-old male celebrities still making babies sometimes?), women do. And I've never thought it fair that we spend so much time, energy, and money on trying NOT to get pregnant, and by the time we're ready, so many of us have to spend time, energy, and money on trying TO get pregnant. One of life's little jokes, I guess.

Making plans for the future is very admirable, but occasionally life ignores our goals and occurs in spite of them. Plan just don't waste too much time worrying.

I have a friend (and former employee) who postponed his engagement to his sweetie because he wasn't happy with his job and she couldn't find one. I found this utterly ridiculous. If life hands you lemons, you need someone special to squeeze 'em into something usable. The moral is, if something is right, it might as well be right now.

You've talked babies and rings. What's the hold up, people?

P.S. A diamond ring may not be necessary. I mean, it's the love and commitment you two will have that's the thing, right? It's just that a diamond is easier to show off to friends.

I know what you mean about the timeline. It doesn't help when my doctor sister helpfully points out things like "you know, you're on your last batch of really good eggs and I will be soon." Which makes her sound like a big bitch but I know she doesn't mean it like that (esp. since we're pratically twins in age). I figure worrying about it will just acceleration the deterioration so I choose not to give a shit.

Anyway, even if my life choices in terms of career and law school have put me on the fast track to infertility (especially since I am myself a post-infertility miracle baby), I don't really give a shit. There are some things I was not willing to sacrifice in terms of building a family and I acted accordingly. I've made my bed and will accept the consequences.

I read your entry and thought, "Now when did I sit down a write a blog?". I completely see where you're coming from and when I think about the future there is a clear picture of what I want, but the timing of it all is a BIG question mark. I'm dating a man who I know I will marry, and who I know wants to marry me, but I also know that he has his own "timeline" and ideas for when the best time for us to take that step will be. We've been dating almost 4 years, I'm about to turn 26, but I honestly don't know if he will propose in a month or in five years. He wants it to be a surprise and romantic, but I just want to know if I should renew my apartment lease for 6 months or a year and WHEN OH WHEN can we move into a house with a nursery. This whole being on the edge of the next big things in life is tough, and I think part of it is because these are the first stages in life that aren't set out for us. We know we begin driving at 16, we graduate high school at 18 and can vote, we legally drink at 21, if we go to college we'll head to campus for four years, and then suddenly routine spits you out and you're on your own to make these choices and not everyone is on the same page with you. It's frustrating seeing the next steps that you want to take and having to depend on your partner being ready to take those steps at the exact same time. Ah, well. My mantra continues to be that it will all happen when the time is right. I just wish I was the one picking what that right time is. :)

I will only tell you this: At 6:30 this morning, I was sooooooo wishing I could sleep another 15 hours. And then running around the city, doing Christmas shopping and lunching with a girlfriend. Instead I am reading Fuzzy Bee and friends afuckinggain, wiping up snot, and babysitting another baby this afternoon from our babysitting co-op.

My point is this: Figure out the timeline (roughly; no ovary has every exploded at age 30), and then you can enjoy every single day of child-free life until then, knowing that it is going to hapen.

I understand your feelings but as someone who pushed herself to get married at 29 because I thought I MUST be married at 30.....slow down and enjoy Simon, and fully wait till your both ready. My father said to me on my wedding day, "I know you love him, but sometimes love isn't enough."

I heard those words the day I signed divorce papers at 32.

I understand your want for children, but you've got PLEANTY of time. Not too long ago I turned 37, and I cried a river of tears for the babies I will never hold. I have one BEAUTIFUL son but I wanted more. My fiance's pipes are tied off. I buried a daughter who was born premature, and one to a misscarriage--you're the one I AM jealous of, you have babies and I wont.

There's no finish line to live, so don't race to the end.

Wow, I'm embarrisingly late to the conversation, but sweetie, there is no right or wrong. What is in your heart IS RIGHT. The end. And you know what? If you feel strongly about it, I promise you won't change your mind in a decade. 'Cause you'll remember this post (or you'll go back and re-read it) and all those feelings come flooding back and you'll be so glad you took the road you took.

Whichever that ends up being. It's the right one.