A Girl...

Blog Talk Rock

As long as I'm telling people how to do things even though I have no business doing so, I thought to myself: Self, why not tell people how to write a blog? I mean, sure, people could go to the real experts, but doesn't that take all the fun out of it? Wouldn't you rather be a part of the excitement that comes from following the instructions of a homebaked amateur? It's like the difference between watching a professional trapeze artist fly through the air with the greatest of ease (thrilling!) versus watching a B-list celebrity dangle fifty feet off the ground in sparkly hotpants (terrifying levels of thrilling! with sparkles!). Mario Lopez, you haven't changed a bit.

So. Ahem. How to write a blog:

1. Be personal. Talk about things that happen to you, things you think and worry and dream about, things that are relevant to your experience of life, things that matter. It doesn't have to be serious, but it should mean something to someone somewhere (unless you're just writing for yourself, that is; but I wouldn't know anything about that...) And if you can't be personal, at least be specific. I may be speaking for myself here, but I have a seriously hard time reading posts that feature an endless string of characters whose names read like business reports ("The CRA and I went out with PQ last night and ran into TW, whose numbers just went up three points from last quarter!") and who make only one or two appearances on the blog and then disappear into oblivion. If it's impossible for me to keep characters straight, it's hard for me to care about them; see also: Russian novels. Even worse than random unnamed figures are significant others referred to as The Boy or Mr. Boyfriend or Hubbywubbykins, that sort of thing. I know some of you out there do that, and you know I love you, BUT to be honest, it drives me nuts--not just because I think it's reductivist (wtf?) but also because if you read fifty different blogs like, um, some people who have no lives offline *guilty guilty guilty*, and half of them have characters named The Boy, it's sometimes hard to remember what's what ("Wait...do I hate this guy or love him?"), and that makes it hard to stay invested. Sorry, but it's true. If you need help naming your signifcant others or your friends, I'm happy to be of service. I've always liked the name Cletus.

2. Don't forget the backstory. I remember the first time I read a Dooce post (circa 2003) and I was all "What the hell? Why is she so angry and bitchy? What's her deal?" Since then I've obviously come to my senses and realized that (a) Dooce is cool and (b) it helps new readers if you refer (or link) back to previous entries in which you explain why you're angry/bitchy/bitter or otherwise scarred for life by something that happened to you in the past, whether last year or last week. Sometimes an About Me page is enough; and sometimes an About Me page is two years out of date and you should just ignore it's there altogether because it pretty much sucks in a self-important, unintentionally insensitive and judgemental and pretentious sorta-kinda way. Point is: if your past is relevant, it never hurts to bring the rest of us up to date. (Remember when I almost married that other guy?! And then we broke up? GAWD. No wonder I'm such a pill.)

3. Write often, and if not often, then at least regularly. Maybe that means posting every Saturday. Sometimes people need you to remind them to care. The best way to do that is if they know when they can expect the goods, like the way my cat now expects to get a handful of treats every time we leave the apartment, even though I'm only oblige because it gets her to shut her little kibble hole for a damn minute.

4. And speaking of cats...Know when enough is enough. For instance, don't post a picture of your pet every day. If, however, the pet is no longer yours but is temporarily staying at your coworker's house until he has a permanent home, AND if your coworker happens to send you a darling picture of said pet to set your weeping heart at ease, well...

5. Do something. As Maggie says: no one cares what you had for lunch (unless you're Ariel). Likewise, no one cares that you came home from work and watched another episode Grey's Anatomy off your Tivo. I may be outing myself as the world's biggest approval whore, but I have actually accepted invitations to events and activities I might otherwise have avoided, simply because I thought there might be blog fodder in the endeavor. Lame? Oh hell yes. But impetus aside, I'm still getting out of the house, right? If, however, watching Grey's is all you can manage to do most nights, here are two things you can do to make it tolerable for your blog readers: (a) have something interesting to say about it and (b) don't ever ever ever use the term McDreamy. I can't believe McDonald's hasn't sued ABC's McAss because there's no way Patrick WhatsHisNameSquintyEyes is as tasty as a Sausage, Egg, and Cheese McMuffin, I don't care if he is a doctor.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to work so I'll be done in time for Gilmore Girls.