Just As Sick of My Whining As You Are
You know how awesome it is when you discover a five-dollar bill in the pocket of those pants you never wear but now find yourself donning partly because you're trying to vary your stale wardrobe and partly for old time's sake and partly because you forgot how miserable you were squeezed into those pants the last time you put them on in a fit of nostalgic fashion-consciousness?
Well, this week I put on the metaphorical freelancer pants I haven't metaphorically worn in a while, and what did I find metaphorically crumpled in the metaphorical pocket but a (real! actual! non-metaphorical!) uncashed a check for fifteen hundred dollars' worth of work I did a year ago. (!!!) I also just accepted another freelance project that will consume the next two weekends and hopefully earn me another fat check--all of this, of course, partly because I'm trying to vary my stale income and partly for old time's sake and partly because I forgot how miserable I was chained to a manuscript the last time I took on an "easy" project that turned out to be a 600-page academic study with 100 pages of microscopic, eye-crossing endnotes and bibliographies and timelines and biographical sketches of everyone who set foot in this state between the gold rush and the beginning of recorded history.
I realized today that the fuel feeding this Ansty Train to Dissatisfiedville is nothing more than my obsessing over the little chunks of time I spend not doing anything fun or unusual or active or social. When inside this downtime, I find myself analyzing how boring my life is, how I never do anything, how I might as well just take pictures of my cat in baby clothes and post them on the Internet for the next fifty years because that's all my life is and all it will ever be.
Which, duh, I've been doing all kinds of exciting stuff lately (BlogHer, Pioneer Day, roller derby, triathlons, company picnic, Xanadu) and I've got all kinds of exciting stuff coming up (England, Simon's band gigs, cohabitation, triathlons, Philly, Christmas in SLC and Orange County), and it's just those annoying and yet necessary to my sanity pockets of quiet that have me wringing my hands at all the nothingness and absence of general hullaballoo. Instead of floating down that slow and steady stream, we've been riding a tidal ebb and flow that has us crazypsychobusy one day and then recovering with chips and salsa on the living room floor the next. Although I love (and need!) the time to catch my breath and regain my footing, I think my brain's been misinterpreting relaxation as slacking. Hence my moods, and hence I need to be taken by the shoulders and shaken with some force.
Okay, so maybe the bulk of my complaints are unfounded because we are doing stuff, and it is exciting, but nevertheless, steady she goes with the restlessness and the ennui, and so today I made plans to see a play and attend a ballgame and buy a new dress and have drinks with friends, and guess what has also been a big success? Buying a copy of Glamour and sniffing the perfume pages. Who knew?
But it's the lack of these minor diversions, I think, that has had me feeling stuck. Upon examination, I was surprised to notice that our daily activities this summer have not been what they once were, i.e., instead of going out after work or staying in to cook a well-balanced meal, I arrive at one of our two homes at about 7 p.m., lay on the couch and whine for an hour, and then have a bowl of cereal, or a quesedilla and a pickle, or a can of garbanzo beans and a pudding snack because I Can't Be Bothered.
When we have a new grill, we'll eat better, I say. When we live in one place, we'll use the extra time pursuing our creative interests, I say. When I have a car, I will be proactive about running errands, I say. But, NO, OH HELL NO, I am not one of those "when I have X and Y everything will be perfect" types, and I will not hang my existence on the hope of a better future. TODAY we will have a good dinner. And TODAY we will pursue our creative interests. And TODAY I will not whine on the couch for an hour, because I don't want to be ungrateful of all the good things coming my way, including a check for fifteen hundred smackers, and just think of the Glamour magazines I can buy with that kind of dough.
I *love* it when I find cash in pockets that I haven't checked in months. It makes me want to open my closet and look in all of my jackets that I have hanging...
Anyway, I know the feeling that you're feeling, and I must say that it's good every so often to get a kick up the rear and have some motivation to fuel you for things that you've been wanting to do, just never have for whatever reason. Normally I would say ride the wave until you hit the shore, but it sounds like you've got a lot of crazy/busy times ahead of you and you should enjoy the relaxing time while you can, because when you're up to your eyeballs in errands, work and other social activities, you'll be wishing for time to prop your feet up and have a good deep sigh.
But what do I know? That could just be my advice because right now I'm doped up on sinus medication and anything that includes movement of any kind is far too exhausting even to think about.
live for today my love. what you have now is GREAT, dare I saw awesome. you sound like one of those people (like my husband) who does not know how to relax unless it is planned.
today charlotte and i ate lunch and breakfast together as a graze. we had kettle corn, digestive cookies, rasperies, yogurt, soy milk, diet pepsi, and a couple of wine gums. we watched tv or played with toys in the tv room until naptime. why am i telling you this? different perspective i guess.
OH! i did put on a load of laundry.
No kidding today while going through the bills, I found a check in an envelope for $800 that I thought had been deposited three months ago. No kidding #2, I checked the mail today and the IRS is demanding $18,000 by the 20th of August we owe them or they're going to seize our bank account.
Joy, Joy down in my heart I tell you.
Life isn't always fun but it's a helluva journey. I would like a refund on my ticket though.
apparently what I tried to say comes across as SPAM so I guess i'm having a banner day. Hmph. Just imagine a witty & insightful comment here.
I totally get you on the restlessness. I finished a summer graduate class a few weeks ago, and the fall semester still doesn't start for a month... and I'm still actively trying to get to a place where I'm actually enjoying the time to relax rather than focusing on the boredom and the fact that we "never do anything fun anymore." It's almost like I get so used to the frenetic pace of my normal life that when it slows down to a much more bearable pace, I have no idea what to do with myself. Finding a way to be more focused on the small, good things that are happening NOW sounds like a pretty good idea to me.
No Wayyyyyyyyyy!
(to the fact that you found surprise moola)
What ever will you spend it on?
I just got a security deposit back in the same amount and I am dreaming of all the wonderful treats and treasures it will buy....
...and then my broken car windshield and massive credit card bill breaks the reverie.
But YOU go have some fun with your dough - it didn't exist in the first place, right?
Hi Leah~ You don't happen to be a Virgo, do you? Because I am and I'm going through the same feelings you are right now. Perhaps it's just parallel coasts/ parallel consciousness, but if I'm not doing something productive, I feel as if I'm BAD BAD BAD. I feel like everyone in my life is going to start saying, "Ky, WE. GET. IT. You need health insurance, you need roommates, your car sucks, shut the hell up, already." But it's YOUR blog and if you can't whine and be self-absorbed on your BLOG, where the eff can you?
you're going to philadelphia? i grew up there, went to undergrad and grad school there. lemme know if you need pointers on where to go, what to do. it's an awesome city.
What the f* you people don't need money that badly that you all never cash checks? Damn you! I need some magic money pants. So I can take the findings and gamble it all in Vegas.