July 27, 2006
Sans
When my dad was in his early twenties, one of his favorite pastimes was hurling himself off a mountaintop in a mail-order contraption he built himself using instructions that were probably written in Japanese. My mom--uber-cool girlfriend that she was at the time--would drive him and his shaggy-haired friends to the Point of the Mountain, help them unload their flimsy frames, sails, and passenger sacks, and then drive back down the mountain to meet them where they landed, hopefully safe and sound and with their cheeks not windblown into an unattractive state of permanent flatness.
As I've heard the story, those heady hang gliding days were over once and for all, though, when my parents decided to spawn and could no longer afford the possibility of an untimely splat from three thousand feet. I think my conception also coincided with the demise of my father's extreme downhill skiing hobby and my mother's crack cocaine habit, which, BUMMER, no wonder people don't want to have children anymore and the human race is in danger of dying out--you have to stop having fun.
We all know that with babies come lifestyle changes, body changes, spousal relationship changes, and priority changes, and among the considerations and compromises parents need to make are How Can I Make Sure I Don't Die Today and How Can I Make Sure I Don't Go Crazy Today. Sometimes that means no more dangerous recreational activities, and sometimes that means giving up weekly visits to the crackhouse not only because it's unhealthy but because it's just too hard to get the baby's stroller up that dark and narrow staircase without waking up the resident stabbin' hobo.
Whenever I get to moaning and groaning about the lack of baby in these here parts, Kristin always tells me to go to Bali for the weekend or to just go on, move to Santiago for a few years and kiss the Chilean sand on her behalf. Just yesterday, newly pregnant Beck (who I have been reading since before she was even married! my little girl is all grown up!) gave me strict orders to eat as much sushi as possible to make up for all the sushi that won't be going into her belly until sometime next year. And Gimmy, in one of the most inspiring moves I've ever witnessed, took advantage of an unfortunate miscarriage and walked a 250-mile historical pilgrim route across Spain last month. Yes, walked. ON HER FEET.
But because I'm sometimes a little dense, none of those amorphous details really gelled into a meaningful shape until I thought again about something one of my coworkers said when I visited her and her two sons (two years and two months old, respectively) a few weeks ago. Between the stroking of tiny baby fists (me) and the singing of "The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round" (Simon; what, no Alice in Chains?), my coworker looked each of us in the eye and very sternly told us to go out and have fun and travel and be active and enjoy our youth and freedom because one day it will be gone, gone, all gone, and we'll never sleep again and we'll have a prolapsed uterus and engorged mammaries and our lives will be shattered beyond all recognition and it will be the GREATEST MOST BLESSED THING EVER. (Don't you love it how everyone's all "Parenting is the hardest thing I've done and it's miserable torture like you couldn't imagine and I'm SO HAPPY *twinkle twinkle*?)
So yesterday I got to thinking and said to myself: Self, maybe you should compile a list of ways to take advantage of your current babyless existence. What are the things you've always wanted to do (or maybe never even thought of doing) that will be compromised by your having children one day? Now Self, we're not talking about dangerous things or stupid things--although one or two "risky" things might be in order--but about the kinds of things that you either (a) can't do while pregnant or breastfeeding or (b) don't want to do when you have a kid because it's too much hassle and too expensive and you'll lose your ever-loving mind trying to make sure the infant is safe and happy in his bouncy seat while you're clear across the room, onstage trying to win that wet T-shirt contest. Or, maybe, just out to dinner and a movie.
And because Self is always thinking of you, the public, I have not only decided to share my list with you--so that all you non-moms can join the Exploit Our Youth and Freedom Brigade, and so that all you breeders can be insanely jealous of our collective awesomeness--but I have also decided that you should make my list for me! Am'n't* I nice?
So, ladies and gents of the parental variety, what should we be doing now that we won't be doing later? What is too risky, too expensive, too complicated, or otherwise too inappropriate for you in your pregnant and post-pregnant states? What would you do with your evenings, your weekends, your two-weeks-paid-vacation if your life wasn't all pooping and vomiting and kicking and screaming and tongue piercing?
I'm taking suggestions as big as travelling around the world in eighty days, and as small as sleeping in until noon (check!). As grand as going back to school to earn that master's degree, and as humble as going braless to a family reunion (check!). Keep in mind that we don't have a million dollars and also that I'm a big puss, although Simon might be up for some within-reason danger. Also keep in mind that I'm not saying I'm going to take on all of your suggestions, or even that I'm going to attempt any of them (although it would be cool if I did, wouldn't it?), but you never know who you're going to inspire with your ideas, so let them flow forth like a mighty river, etc. etc., even if you're sure I'll give a thumbs down to your request that I move to the Icelandic wilderness and start my own religion and Cinnabon franchise.
So moms, dads, what should we be doing with our lives? And non-moms, non-dads, what are you doing with your lives right now that other non-moms and -dads should be doing? What have any of you done that other people should try, and what do you/will you miss about your childless existence? Spread the word! Ask your friends! Heck, ask your parents how they used to have fun before you came along and ruined everything!
The only rule is this: I don't want any of you mommies to end your list of Things You Sacrificed to Have Kids with anything resembling "But it was all worth it because I love my little peanut!!!" I don't want to hear it, okay? I've got mountains to jump off of.
p.s. to my Mom: The Internets know I'm kidding about the blow. Put the phone down.
*Yes, I know the subjunctive takes the plural verb, but if I'm going to make the double contraction my contribution to the English language, I'm going to have to ignore some rules, okay?
Posted by Leah at July 27, 2006 02:31 PMAnd will it be written on a scroll the size of a steamroller?
Posted by: Leah at July 27, 2006 03:06 PMGo to China
Go to Mongolia
Go to India
Go to Southeast Asia
Why not?
We have spent our extra $$ on travel, because you can go out to dinner anytime but you can't go to China with a 2-year-old. At least, not the way we did. Our trip to China last fall was planned but we hadn't yet bought the plane tickets - and then Hulk's car died. We had to choose between getting a different car and going to China; we picked China.
But we're both big on travel and just don't miss daily luxuries as much I think. Someday if/when we do have kids (no more than 2 we are agreed) we'll be able to look at the journals and photos and cool stuff we bargained our little touristy butts off for and be glad we did it when we could.
Next trip? Guatemala and Costa Rica in January.
Posted by: Emily at July 27, 2006 03:08 PMSweet list, Emily. Especially since my well-traveled boyfriend has been exactly none of those places.
Posted by: Leah at July 27, 2006 03:13 PMi can obviously recommend morocco for a trip. as well as denmark.
but also? bungee jumping or skydiving. neither of which i've tried but want to in the event i do decide to want to spawn and thus won't want to potentially leave said spawn dad-less.
put together a book. either diary-style like sedaris, fiction or even a photography collection. granted you can do this when pregnant or as a mom, it just might take much longer. so do it now.
and of course there's the must-do three-month crack and whiskey bender.
Posted by: this charming man at July 27, 2006 03:27 PMSleep through the night.
Have sex (of course, that'll just accelerate the whole baby thing.)
Go to the bathroom undisturbed.
Take naked pictures of each other (while you still want to).
Write a book about good parenting (while you still have all the answers).
Hang gliding. I did it. My mother did it (once I was grown and gone). It's a magical experience, much less terrifying than bungee jumping and sky diving. And I can recommend a man who's touted to be the best instructor on earth. No joke. I trusted him with my mother's life, so you know he's good.
Go wine tasting. Do lots of it. Giving up wine during my short pregnancy was no fun at all. And I can't stand it when people take a stroller into a winery. Hello? So not the place for one.
Go Go-Kart riding.
Go to Vietnam, hell see all of SE Asia. (I highly recommend Singapore. Not for sights but for the mofo delicious FOOD!)
Party until 5AM, and wake up at 2. Lie in front of the TV all day eating junk food.
Swear, run around with scissors, use bad manners at the table--all things you can't do when impressionable minds are around.
Fool around in every room in the house, knowing nobody will accidentally barge in.
Eat steak rare, smothered in blue cheese.
Wear teeny tiny underwear.
Show off your smooth (no stretch marks) belly.
Hold a baby and give it back once it poops or starts screaming.
I'm sure there are tons more, but this is all I can think of right now.
Posted by: gimmy at July 27, 2006 03:49 PMI've had 2 kids, pregnant with a third, and not a single stretch mark. It IS possible :) But show off the belly now, just in case.
We're not big travellers, but we ARE big renovators. If you ever plan on buying/fixing up a house, do the renos BEFORE kids, even if you need to borrow money. It takes MUCH longer with kids underfoot (and never mind the anti-noise rule when it's bedtime or nap time) We wish we had...it's been 5 years of renos & the end is FINALLY in sight.
And take in a wine festival. gimmy had it right. We live in wine country, and every fall there's a huge wine festival. I'm usually either pregnant or nursing, so I haven't made it to one. Yet. Next year...
On that note, enjoy and savour EVERY alcoholic bevvy. I miss my almost-nightly glass of wine.
Go to lots of movies/theatre/sporting events, etc.
Sleep. And nap.
If I think of more, I'll be back :)
Posted by: Angella at July 27, 2006 07:15 PMGet a motorcycle lisence. Which is something I was almost going to do this summer (think of the savings in gasoline!) if I got bored and also if I managed to conjure up enough courage to IMAGINE that I might be able to split lanes. Because really, what good is a motorcycle license without splitting lanes? And I still might get one, eventually. My mother does have her permit to ride the devil-wagons, so it's not like once you have kids it can't ever be done.
Posted by: beck at July 27, 2006 08:59 PMEat an entire bag of peanut M&Ms.
No, I'm not kidding. What is with these people. You CAN still travel with children. It's just whether you want to deal with it or not. It's not impossible.
But what is impossible? Being worried about possible genetic peanut allergies while pregnant/breast feeding. And yes, I sacrificied it all for the love of my peanut...M&Ms. Goddam I *heart* those candies. More than my children.
Posted by: justJENN at July 27, 2006 10:59 PMVisit Macchu Pichu and the ruins in Tikal, Guatemala. Not only are they both unbelievabley beautiful, but they are very powerful sites where you can feel the energy of thousands of people who have been there before us. We sat for three hours on the top of Temple IV not speaking, just taking it all in.
Also, volunteer! Either in the Bay Area or around the world. Planned Parenthood has a great Community Outreach Representative position that you would be great at. Also, St. Judes has a wonderful International Outreach Program where you can go to developing countries and help out their oncology programs. I went to Tegucigalpa, Honduars and while it was one of the toughest things I have ever done, both physcially and mentally, the experience itself was lifechanging.
Wonderful post Leah. Im hoping to use some of the suggestions you receive myself!
Posted by: Joni at July 28, 2006 06:25 AMTwo words - Vegas, baby.
Now, although it's not quite as exotic or imaginative as your other suggestions, just think about going to Vegas with children. Even if the young 'uns stayed at home, would you still be able to have that "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" attitude? Not so much.
Posted by: Miss Pickle at July 28, 2006 06:40 AMSkydiving -it's amazing you should do it before you have kids and the worry that you will leave them orphaned.
Paragliding -best when done off a mountainside in Switzerland.
Swim with the dolphins in the waters off a beautiful island.
Backpack around part of the globe.
Give money to people who need it while you still have some.
Hang out with some little kids then give them back at the end of the day when they are tired and cranky.
Lay on a beach and read a book.
Swim with the sharks in Australia.
While there, dive in the Coral Reef.
Posted by: Ashley at July 28, 2006 08:53 AMGo island hopping in Greece on my behalf.
Posted by: Amanda at July 28, 2006 09:03 AMI can't tell you how happy and yet incredibly sad this entry makes me all at once. And I love what Kristin tells you.
And I'd say, swim as many reefs as you can and go to out of the way places where it might be hard to schlep a baby and take all the risks. And love, love, love each other.
Posted by: Meg at July 28, 2006 09:48 AMMiss Pickle: My parents used to take me and my brother to Vegas every year when we were kids (pre-teen and teenager). You'd be surprised...
Posted by: Leah at July 28, 2006 10:21 AMI think you should make a list and enjoy your freedom as much as you can while you've got it.
But I still stick to my guns that having children (loved and wanted children, when the time is right) is the most freeing experience a person can ever have. It changes things, that's for sure. But it also, essentially, cuts the crap out of your life. The important things come into focus, the drunken bungee-jumping fades to the memory pile, and life does go on. There are also bouts of freedom, made sweeter because you don't have it all the time and when your brief reprieve is over, you have a little someone special who missed you terribly (and vice versa). Anybody who thinks life ends at parenthood is wrong ... very very very wrong. That's when the fun begins. Either that, or I have the best kid in the world.
T-Bone: You are not playing by the rules! Kids = life-shattering little worms. At least in this thread.
Posted by: Leah at July 28, 2006 12:37 PMI suppose so. I would have gotten into a whole lot of trouble had I ever gone to Vegas as a pre-teen.
I was thinking more along the lines of really young children, but hey, after reading the rest of the suggestions, screw Vegas and hit the beach/rainforest/islands/ocean.
I think I'll spend the rest of the afternoon researching my next getaway!
Posted by: Miss Pickle at July 28, 2006 01:07 PMSLEEP. Please, sleep lots, lots and lots of naps.
Go to Africa. I've been to Tanzania once and I can't wait to go back. I'll have to convince the hubby that it's not all THAT dangerous, just dangerous enough not to want to take our kids until they're older.
Go braless as often as you can, oh how I miss that, especially during heat waves.
Spa treatments! Long ones, often.
Take spontaneous weekend trips just the two of you.
So many more I know I'd love to do again...
I'm absolutely and completely agreeing with T-Bone.
I never felt more alive and connected to the Universe than when I was giving birth and when I was breastfeeding. Seriously. And I'm not even a hippie/Earth Mother/New Age-y/granola type (though I do like granola). As you know from reading my stuff, we haven't had the easiest time with Christopher. I still maintain that my life before kids was somehow not complete.
All those things on the lists? You can do them *after* you have kids, too. Hell, the grandparents BEG you to go away and leave the little darlings in their care for weeks at a time. How else are they going to give them ice cream sundaes for dinner? You can even *take* the kids with you, when they're old enough and when you feel up to it. My best vacation memories all have my kids in them.
Yes, kids = life shattering little worms. But only in the very *best* way.
Posted by: candace at July 28, 2006 02:00 PMCandace is hereby banished to the corner with T-Bone until further notice.
Seriously. This is not the time for those kinds of comments. Really really.
Posted by: Leah at July 28, 2006 02:07 PMOOHHH! Great plan. I had a list of fifty things to do before I die that I wrote just after college. Lemme dig that up. I'm sure "Hiking to the top of a mountain" and "spending three weeks in a cabin writing" would do wonders.
Must dust off life dreams and share....
Posted by: Mrs. Flinger at July 28, 2006 02:24 PMNow I have no children but I have slept with a number of mothers. The best part about it is that afterwards I can play with the kids toys. Honestly children have not changed me at all.
Posted by: will at July 28, 2006 03:37 PMI have two kids under two, so I dream of sleep. Not sleeping later in the morning as my sweet husband allows me to do that, but the ability to come home from work, kick off my shoes and collapse on the couch.
Since I live on the East Coast I want to have weekends with just my husband in the following places:
Asheville, NC (The Biltmore or the Grove Park Inn)
West Palm Beach
Nantucket
Nashville, TN...
but, really? I would settle for a trip to Target with noone tagging along.
Posted by: R*Belle at July 28, 2006 06:22 PMI agree with the traveling and jumping off high places if you're into that kind of thing but I would like to add some more basic run-of-the-mill things to your list.
- eat stinky runny cheese
- see movies in the theater (or ballet, or opera, or anything shown in a theater)
- wear really high heels, clothes that you defintely don't want vomit on, and carry a teeny tiny purse (one too small for diapers)
- sleep late and eat cake for breakfast
- spend a whole day or, better yet, a whole weekend in your pajamas reading a really great book
- wear big, hoopy, dangling earrings
- go to lots of concerts in smoky clubs or non-smoky clubs for that matter
- sit in your home and enjoy the quietness
- listen to music with suggestive, offensive, vulgar lyrics
- eat an entire dinner, simultaneously with your dinner partner/guests, at a leisurley pace
I'm certain there are more but this is what comes to mind right away. Have fun!
Posted by: Mama Urchin at July 28, 2006 08:06 PMbe happy.
enjoy your time with simon, alone.
watch gilmore girls.
be happy.
oh, and be happy.
Posted by: jeorg at July 29, 2006 01:03 AMGet certified in scuba diving. Seriously. Go out, do it now.
Diving is one of my passions, and before I was married, I used to take myself on solo vacations to do it (amazing the people you meet). Then, when I met my husband, I told him that a precondition of marrying me was to get certified himself, which he did. And which we LOVED doing together.
Now, while I still love diving, it's...different. I don't like much going by myself anymore, but my husband and I tend to have to, because, after all, who's going to stay back at the hotel and watch the kid? Still, once I'm underwater, and breathing tanked air, and witnessing this whole other beautiful colorful undersea world, I'm reminded of how I was once this brave, strong, powerful single woman. And while now I'm a brave strong, powerful, married parent, the memory still makes me smile.
Posted by: Chookooloonks at August 1, 2006 06:28 AM
