Dissatisfaction
I won't say I was unceremoniously dumped, but I was indeed dumped this morning. Without getting into details, up until about an hour ago I was looking forward to being part of a top-secret project that would have included lights, cameras, a make-up artist, a video webcast, and a cable tv spot. After the producers decided to "refocus" the project, however, I was dropped from the list of interviewees. Why? Because I don't have a $#@% kid. Nice timing, Universe.
As I was responding to an email about it, an interesting word came up: clique. I hadn't ever really thought about it that way, but it's definitely part of why this "refocusing" has the sting of a rejection and thus ends up bothering me more than it should. Let me be clear: I don't think the clique mentality has anything to do with this particular project (what's going on isn't in any way judgmental or personal), but it has everything to do with my reaction to the refocusing and, in a deeper sense, to the larger mommyblogging community.
One of the best things about blogging is the fresh start you can make in a community that, on the surface, seems infinitely fluid. People build friendships more freely, it seems, and it's easier to see past egos to the people underneath when so many of us are not just writing about what we had for breakfast that morning but about the things that make us angry, sad, or scared. Even better, instead of trying to find friends in a more-or-less randomly collected school classroom, we get to seek out our own connections--read through countless "100 Things About Me"s and pick and choose at our leisure.
But it's not that simple of course, because groups do form, some personalities are bigger than others, and sometimes people get hurt. For all the good the blogging community does, I'm hardly complaining, but today I just felt like some of my previous feelings of exclusion weighed a little heavier than usual. Then again, I also cried at work over a funny email Simon sent this morning, and I had potato chips for breakfast and mini-marshmallows for dinner, so clearly there are some nutty hormones at work.
I always describe my PMS symptoms as being one part snippy and three parts feeling sorry for myself, like the whole world is picking on me. And I guess that's all this really is. Why do mommybloggers get freelance gigs to write about their daily lives and I don't? Where's my contract with BloggingBoyfriend, with ClubChildless, with AlphaTwentySomethingGirlInACommittedRelationship? Where are the blog rings for women who want to have babies and can't but it's not a matter of infertility or lack of a partner? Maybe I'm the only one out there? Or maybe I'm just the only one who's bothered by this limbo, this inbetweenness? Maybe I know that nothing can be done anyway because even if someone were to say, "Hey, look over here! We're your peer group!" I'd probably run the other way (yes, that whole I-don't-want-to-belong-to-any-club-that-would-have-me-as-a-member schtick).
So here I sit. Crying into my potato chips and marshmallows. Trying not to buy into the hype of the "other"--of everything that is not me right at this very moment. I hate it when I feel like this.
Leah- the reason I love to read your blog is because you don't have a kid and are in a committed relationship. Even though I don't post often (um ok, maybe never) I love to read about your daily exploits with Simon because you represent my peer group. I am spared the numerous random drunken hookup stories and endless baby babble and can instead read about people like me who are living this stage of their life to the fullest.
I'm with you.
Their loss. Really - I'm not just saying that.
And I have days where I feel exactly like you described. It sucks. I'd drop by with some chocolate, but you're a little far away :)
So many people suffer from undefined longings...imagine that. In your case, the longings are very well defined, and you're on the path to realize them. I think that means things are going right.
There aren't many support groups for people with things going right.
You are SO RIGHT. And I know I'm being ungrateful and whiny, but hey, it's only for a day or two each month, so I'm just going to let it flow. I'll be better tomorrow.
What kind of chips? (I'm PMSing too, and am craving Balsamic Vinegar potato chips. They're evil and oh so wonderful all at the same time.)
Just plain old Lays. I also prefer vanilla ice cream because I'm boring like that.
I'll join your club, Leah.
What about someone who is like you except still not sure about the whole kid thing? Am I allowed?
Three words. TOMATO KETCHUP LAY'S. And also, inbetweenness is good because it means there are Things To Come and I don't doubt for a second that, in your case, they're great.
I am working on responding to your email. But I wanted to comment here too and say they are inSANE for dropping you!
I would read you if you wrote for Bloggingboyfriend. Fire it up, friend.
Cath--Yes, I have heard you speak of these mysterious ketchup chips before. Must research further because really, they sound completely scary.
Kristin--Meh. I'm sure it has more to do with a change in subject matter more than anything. I mean, no matter which way you spin it, I can't really talk about what it's like to be a mom, now can I?
Also, I am being the biggest self-commenting whore today. Can you tell I'm having a wee bit of trouble concentrating on my work?
They are amazing. In fact, I am now craving them, but it's 1.30am here and I'm slightly tipsy, so venturing back outside is probably not a good idea. They're also great for hangovers though. :)
I have found myself in a similar situation where in the past two years all of my friends have become mothers. They now visit with each other during the day while I'm at work and I feel so left out.
I know exactly how you feel. I really enjoy reading your blog, because there are not too many people in the blogging community that are just like me. I love reading mommy blogs, because I can't wait for that part of my life someday... but I can definitely relate better to people like you, who are in the same boat as me. Thank you for that.
I know exactly how you feel. I really enjoy reading your blog, because there are not too many people in the blogging community that are just like me. I love reading mommy blogs, because I can't wait for that part of my life someday... but I can definitely relate better to people like you, who are in the same boat as me. Thank you for that.
dammit! I knew I shouldn't have hit post twice! GRR...
I know how you feel, I need a group for mommy's of only children, but want to have more but their second husband is fixed and have lupus, and the internet kills me everytime I hear someone has had a new baby and I can't have anymore club. know about any of those, send them my way.
I know it's all about perspective, becuase it's your life and it feels like the biggest thing out there, the moment it's happening. You're not alone.
I'm with Emily - am I banned from joining the club cos I am anti-kid? I'll do a nice newsletter or something to make up for it!
Hi, Leah! Just wanted to say that your blog is one that I have missed the most while I've been away. You are wonderful and I hope you feel better soon.
cliques are for kids silly girl!
here's my confession: i do read many so-called mommyblogs (though the name "mommyblog" alone makes me want to gag), but when someone whose blog i am totally digging gets pregnant, i feel an immense sense of diappointment because then i know it won't be long before they're lost into mommyblogdom....
but since i believe everyone should be their own blogger, i guess i can't blame them.
Oh, F*CK no, you aren't the only one bothered by it! :) I'm a little tired of the whole mommyblog phenomenon - it's like, "Ooooh, she balances raising a child AND blogging!" Please. I hate that childless women are so often overlooked. I think there's a lot to be said for the childless women, too - there are so many stories to be told and the decisions about the children issue are big. Then again, I'm 30 now and maybe I feel a little more resentment about being left out because, much to my own chagrin, it's been heavily on my mind lately and I'm a little tormented over deciding if I want kids or not. And if I DO, then I have to move on from my shitty relationship FAST.
Anyway. I don't think the fact that they blog should make any one person or group special. It's all very strange, I think. I blame reality tv. It's like, next it will be "People who walk their dogs and who BLOG!" Or "Cheese lovers who blog - while actually EATING cheese!" It's a fad, a passing trend. Today it's mommyblogs, tomorrow it will be a new group.
Since I'm close to the same mood you're in right now... can we bitch about another clique? The NY bloggers? LOL Now THERE'S a serious blogging clique. And isn't it weird that there are "cliques" in cyberspace?
Ok, now that I've probably pissed off all the mothers and people in NY...
I like your blog now and I'll like it when you have kids. You can write, sweetie, and you can write in an emotionally honest way.
Be happy you were excluded. It's too hot for lights, camera, action, kids, etc.
I'll join your club.
As an AlphaTwentySomethinginaCommittedRelationship it's hard to feel like you're not just filling time and webspace until you can have a baby and legitimately blog about baby poo.
You are so not alone.
Whoops, I didn't mean to spam you in my previous comment by taking you to an ads site (if you clicked my link). I just put the wrong URL. I'm new to this malarkey.
I find it very difficult to find blogs that aren't written by Moms. While I enjoy what they write I often find it difficult to sympathize and understand. I like reading your blog because you don't have any children -not that I'd like it less if you did.
Cheer up, girlie! The reason we all come here is not because you have kids, or because you are in a committed relationship (although I do love hearing of you and Simon!). It's because we love YOU, and we LOVE your writing. Don't let any of that crap get you down!
(Also, what of these balsamic vinegar potato chips? I've never heard of them in up here in Canada. They sound yummmy!)
I'm in my early twenties and right now it feels like everyone around me is either getting married or having babies. I'm not doing either.
So I, too, will join your club.
Ps. The idea of Blogging Boyfriend probably isn't a bad one.
WTF? I go away for a few days and all bloody hell breaks lose up in here. Also, I thought you and I were in the "mashmallow 'n' potato chips" blogring. Or was that the name of our new puppet show review...I can't remember.
Well I'm in my 20s so I'm sort of like you. Actually that might be the only thing we have in common (at least on the surface). But hey, I always enjoy reading about your life with Simon and other tidbits that seem lightyears away for me.
i second your first comment...from joni.
it is refreshing to read your blog!
All those replies, and I think I'm the only male respondent.
I've always loved hanging out with the girls...but maybe I'm getting TOO in touch with my feminine side? :-)
I think you've hit on something important. I find myself surfing thru the webosphere in search of non-mom-blogs. For the record, I love each and every mom-blog I read. I am so glad that there is an outlet for moms to connect and to share their woes and joys. But it makes me feel left out sometimes, or other times like I need to just pop out a kid and then I'll have something interesting to write about. I always bookmark a non-mom-blog I find, because we seem to be in the minority.
I think you should create a group of non-mom-blogs, NOT to take away from the mom-bloggers, but to advertize extremely good childless blogs (like yours). There's a lot of us out there--we just need to organize!
Hi! R*belle pointed your post out because it's SO amazing (I agree, it is) and I have to say as a mommy-blogger, I still feel some of the same things. I'm not a "mommy-blogger" per-say, but a mom who blogs. And I can totally relate, still, with how you feel.
Well written. Well said. And I'm going to bookmark you now. :-)
I don't think I've commented before, but I read your site fairly often... and I am in the same place as you. I read a lot of mom blogs, and most of the time, I feel like it's a bit weird that I do, not even being married or have any kids myself. Then again, we read them because they're well-written and compelling and I think it's a pretty good way to know what to expect in the future.
Anyway, I don't want to go on and on forever, but I had to chime in with the others. :)
Yes! We do need the Alpha...long name Club! I think it would be a great idea. I agree with most of the comments. I read the mom-blogs because they're good writers and they make me laugh, not because their content is filled with things about kids. But it wouldn't hurt to have some sort of group that talks about the situations that people like us have.