April 21, 2006
What Will I Do With You / Pink and Blue / Pure Gold / Nine Days Old*
I'm blaming this one on current topics of conversation at work and not on anything my little old brain just came up with by itself.
Of the four pregnant or recently pregnant women at my work, two found out the sex of their baby during ultrasounds, one wants to be surprised in the delivery room, and one--still in her first trimester--hasn't yet decided whether she and her husband want to know.
In theory, I was always a fan of finding out the baby's sex because, for one, it seems way too weird to have a person growing inside you and not know if it's a boy or a girl--eek! parasite!--but also because oh my god the planning! That's not to say that my child's private parts will thereafter determine the color of his or her clothes or whether Great Aunt Sue should buy it a Baby's First Football or Baby's First Vacuum, but rather that, well, whereas baby girls can wear and play with and do anything baby boys can, the reverse is simply not true. I don't care how progressive you are, man-cubs should not be subjected to a little thing known as the Baby Princess Ballerina Onesie with Matching Pointe Shoes. I might stick my son in a handsome masculine frock for a Roaring Twenties garden party at some point, but certainly nothing with flounces and frills and coordinating footwear with pink satin ribbon that laces up the ankles. But if I'm having a girl? I want to do it up right and well in advance.
On the other hand, Simon (can you believe he actually engages in these conversations with me?) says he likes the idea of a good, old-fashioned "It's a [insert sex here]!" in the moment the kid slithers out into the lights and the cold, although I suppose Simon himself wouldn't be in the delivery room to hear it in that exact moment, as he'd be out in the waiting room with all the other gentlemen in hats puffing forth celebratory cigar clouds of cancer.
Anyway, stogies aside, I've pretty muched embraced the idea of a surprise, although we'll see how well that goes considering I can be, on occasion, a little tiny bit impatient about this sort of thing. What? Stop looking at me like that.
So finding out the sex or not is a personal choice, blah blah, do what makes you happy, blah blah blah, I'm not trying to make a case for anything here...unless it is to say that I think my Queer Theory professor might have been onto something when she said that "sex" is separate from "gender."
When parents show a preference for the sex of a child, they're pretty much showing a preference for a stereotypical gender role. When parents-to-be talk about wanting a girl, they're basically saying they want to take her to dance lessons and play dress-up in grandma's costume jewlery, and when they talk about wanting a son, it's so they can take him to karate practice and cockfights, er, I mean Star Trek conventions. I've even caught Simon saying that if he had to choose between parenting two girls or two boys, he'd choose boys so he can coach their basketball team, which, um, girls can play basketball too.
Although our society does not yet have the technology to create a diaper that doesn't explode when used as directed, we do have the ability to select the sex of a child to an accuracy of 91 percent. Through a technique called MicroSort, technicians are able to weed out individual sperm cells based on which chromosome they're carrying, thus increasing a couple's chances of having a child of a particular sex. While MicroSort's website points out that sex selection can be used to reduce the risk of diseases passed through the X chromosome, its other purpose--and, I suspect, the more popular one--is "family balancing." This is what worries me.
Parents who sign up for family balancing are basically admitting that they expect their children to conform to standard gender roles. They want their girls to be girly and their boys to be, um, boyesque. Ironic, isn't it, how an advance in technology can serve to thrust some people back fifty years in social progression?
It's no surprise that parents and children seem to fight most during the teenage years, when the child is exercising autonomy, exploring identity, becoming a person separate from his or her parents. The teens are all hormonal and angsty and dramatic because that's how they're made, but what explains the hurt and anger the parents feel? I bet a lot of it comes from realizing that their children, alas, are not who they wanted them to be. The society lady in the pearls and pink pantsuit wanted her daughter to be a debutante, and what she got was the Eighth Wonder of the Tattooed World. The quarterback and the cheerleader made a baby boy expecting him to be an MVP, but the only MVP he knows is a multimedia video processor, which he uses to screen his flash-animation shorts, set to a mashup of "It's Raining Men" and "If I Could Turn Back Time," by Cher, who is FAB-u-lous!
Even the enlightened among us are likely to harbor some tiny pocket of gender stereotype, so whether you find out your baby's sex at T-minus twenty weeks or the minute you see its bits in their full glory, it doesn't really change anything in the long run. The fact is there's no protecting our kids from internalizing those gender roles--whether they conform to them or not--and heck, there's little hope that we can even keep our adult selves from pressuring our kids to be a certain way. My problem is that the people who seek out and pay thousands of dollars for and put all their hopes and dreams on having a child of a certain sex are more likely to have children who grow up afraid their parents will stop loving them if they fall short of expectations, not to mention if they end up being gay/lesbian/democrat. To me, family balance seems like a step in the wrong direction for people who are already way the hell down the wrong path. Your thoughts?
*Mountain Goats Mountain Goats Mountain Goats
Posted by Leah at April 21, 2006 04:26 PMWow, that's a really interesting train of thought. I think I'm more of the "wait til the kid pops out" school, but this is definitely something I've thought about, especially after taking a sociology class about gender in college. It was very interesting to learn about studies done that have shown that people freak out when they don't know whether a baby they encounter and have to play with is a girl or a boy (I mean, that's the first question you always ask, right? especially if you aren't sure?) The way we relate to each other in this society is SOOO dependant on our genders. Other studies have been done that show that people treat baby boys and baby girls very differently; or at least treat what they perceive as boys or girls differently. If you dress a baby in pink ruffles, people think it's a girl - and are more gentle and talk about how "pretty" and "soft" and "sweet" she is, and if you dress a baby in blue overalls and miniature hiking boots, people handle the kid more roughly and talk about how strong and smart he is. I'm totally serious; and how crazy is that? I've always wondered whether finding out the sex before birth influences the hormonal environment without the mother even knowing about it. Certainly, it makes preparing for the birth different, because you already know it's a girl or a boy, and how you and your partner treat your growing belly is probably just a little different depending on what that ultrasound shows.
As for the idea of designer babies, it's always kind of disgusted me. Can't we have a little mystery left in this scientifically based world?
Posted by: Emily at April 21, 2006 07:46 PMJust so happens, I'm taking the kids to the cockfights next week.
Posted by: justJENN at April 21, 2006 08:57 PMThe last time I saw my cousin's baby, everyone was standing around saying, "My! Aren't you a pretty girl!" So I said, "My! What a smart girl you are!" Subversion!
Posted by: Leah at April 21, 2006 11:19 PMI've been surfing the blogs for a while. Your's is the best layout I've found. Very interesting and great writing, photography. Thanks!
Posted by: The Menace Within at April 22, 2006 05:58 AMI was one of "those" who spoiled the surprise of our baby's sex and I am so glad. I have felt so much more connected to the little life in me now that I know it's a girl. Is that because I am dreaming up fantasies of her dancing as a prima ballerina or playing with an Easy Bake Oven? I don't think so, but it's true that we've all got these entrenched ideas about what our children should be like, based on their sex, but also what we expect their personalities and aspirations to be. Weird. It's my goal to love our daughter for all that she is, whoever she may end up being. Tattooed or bare, goth or prep, bookworm or socialite. I'll let you know how it goes. :)
Posted by: Amanda at April 22, 2006 07:48 AMWhile tempted to find out the sex of our third, mostly out of curiousity's sake, Matthew wants to wait. And I'm OK with that. I love him or her regardless of the sex, and felt connected to both boys when they were in my belly before I knew their sex. Especially when they started doing backflips in there :)
As for the gender differences, and the nature vs. nurture theories, Men & Women ARE different. Physically, hormonally, etc. I have many friends who have many babies. And the kids, themselves, show preferences from an early age. From less than a year, my boys would choose "boy" toys - trucks, etc. when sitting in a room with both "boy" and "girl" toys. While some may differ from the "stereotyoes", I think a lot of the "stereotypes" are there because they are based on the reality.
Just my perspective :)
yes gender and sex are completely different things. to quote de beauvoir in english, we are not born women, we become it. i believe in finding out. why not? not so i can paint the room pink/blue, but because i need to know what i am dealing with. to be quite honest, i don't think of ballet. i think of soccer for a girl or a boy. i think of music and language (i am a nerd). but i want to know if i have to potty train a boy or a girl. what kind of sex talk am i going to have, the one about being a responsible man or a responsible woman. do i have to have the how to respect yourself and you sig other talk with a boy or a girl? do i have to have the talk about you can be anything you want to be, but it is different and harder for a woman conversation?
gender roles, i don't worry because i don't cook or clean... that's thomas. but yeah, i would love to have barbie in my life again. i won't lie.
Posted by: jeorg at April 22, 2006 08:10 PMI'm glad you think it's OK for girls to wear boy clothes when they're little. If my wife is having a girl she is probably going to be subject to a few hand-her-downs from the Cutlet. But on finding out ... goodness yes. We are planners. Hence the jungle-themed nursery months before the Cutlet was (gently) ripped from the womb.
We were surprised enough to find a second child is on the way. There are months before we can find out the child's sex (vs. gender, 'cause any girl of ours will likely be tomboyish), but we'll find out and be ecstatic either way. We're just praying for healthy. Cute, of course, is a given.
Posted by: Texas T-bone at April 23, 2006 08:24 PMI was not disappointed when I went for the "You've got a [insert sex here]" moments with our first. She was beautiful and I loved her and, of course, I was CERTAIN she was a boy the entire time I was pregnant - LOL!
When #2 came along, I wanted to know. I didn't want to wait. And I did. Of course, prior to that, I KNEW it was a boy. BTW, she is also rather adorable (and quite the smartie)
It took us seven (and that's no exaggeration) ultrasounds with #3 before we could find out what flavor she was. She would turn around or cross her legs or straddle the umbilical cord. We literally found out within a couple days of her birth. Defiant then. Defiant now.
I'm glad I had at least one of those surprise, kind of movie moments, but I'm a planner, too. So, I'll say I wasn't disappointed knowing ahead of time on the others.
Posted by: Tammy at April 24, 2006 06:40 AMWe left the first one for a suprise. My wife and her sisters were so convinced that it would be a girl that we had not even picked out a boy name when HE was born.
The second came with an amnio. My wife gave me an envelope for Christmas with the baby's sex written on a slip of paper. The Dr. did not tell her, just gave her the paper. I lasted about 10 minutes before opening it and finding that I had another little boy on the way.
I always wanted girls...not for the dress up, but for what I perceived to be the love a little girl has for her Daddy. Ends up, the connection between myself and my boys is as strong as any I could imagine.
There sure is a lot of baby talk in the past umpteen posts. Are you and Simon pregnant? There's always the mention of babies these days so I figure there must be something going on...if so, congrats!
Posted by: Jason at April 24, 2006 11:37 AMNo no no no no no no. I just have the fever.
Posted by: Leah at April 24, 2006 11:56 AMoh god, i couldn't agree more! the whole family balancing thing is terrifying. ack! and you've put your finger on exactly what is wrong with it.
Posted by: lindsey at April 24, 2006 12:36 PMI'm of the wait til the kid pops out and go from there school of thought. I do want my first child to be a girl, but that's only so I can name her Brooke Lyn. She's gonna be a basketball player with the biggest afro known to man. She'll also look just like me, but act just like her father. She'll be more reserved than her younger sister Brianna who will be the black version of Alicia Silverstone in all those Aerosmith videos. Okay, let me stop before I plan out their entire lives before they are conceived.
Posted by: Liz at April 24, 2006 03:20 PMThat family balance things sounds scary. Eek. I think I'd like to wait and see, but I'm also similarly impatient about things so who knows? I've got a while yet before I even need to think about having kids anyway.
Note to Simon though - we are a family of 2 girls and one boy, and guess which 2 played basketball throughout middle and high school? And guess which one didn't really play any sports at all, unless you consider partying a sport?
(Ok, to be fair, he did play baseball till he was 14ish.)
Posted by: newgyptian at April 25, 2006 06:02 AMI think a lot of your points are vaild, but I'm thinking of couples like my sister-in-law and brother who had triplet boys. She feels a little outnumbered by all the testosterone and even if they're the most sensitive boys on earth, it's still not the same as the kind of understanding a woman has for another woman. And they're not rich, so when they try again, which they will, they are going to make sure they get a girl, cuz they can't afford to raise a family of 6, 7, 8 or however many tries it may take to get a girl.
Posted by: Gimmy at April 25, 2006 01:12 PM
