Second Chance at a First Impression
This time of year my office is lousy with interns. Fresh-faced and chipper wee elves, they slave away over envelopes in need of stuffing, press releases in need of photocopying, beans in need of brewing. Sometimes they do some of the crap work I'd otherwise be stuck with, but the only good thing in that arrangement is that when I discover they've done everything wrong and I have to spend hours of my valuable (blogging) time to redo it all the right way, I don't have to tell them they suck, I only have to tell their supervisors they suck, which is much more comfortable for everyone involved, if by "everyone" I mean just me, which I do.
Most of our interns are nice, intelligent, eager little undergrads, and as long as they don't touch my stuff or try to usurp my role as The Sexy One (a pox on you and your see-through half-shirts, marketing intern Lily), I have no problem with them. But they? Probably have a problem with me. And that can be problematic.
Here's the thing. I am talkative and animated and, yes, even a little obnoxious. I have no fear of public speaking, no reservations about voicing my opinion (in situations where it's relevant), and I like to hang out and have a good time with my coworkers. When it comes to interns, though, I'm really standoffish. When we pass in the hall, I avert my gaze, and when I see one of them standing at the water cooler, I turn around and walk the other way. I generally try not to learn their names and try not to let any of my projects pass through their hands.
It seems obvious that the reason I avoid them is because I don't like them. Add to that a "special something" about my natural confidence, and my attitude readily translates into "I'm too good for you, lowly interns, because I'm a big snob. You are beneath me and I spit on you and your born-in-the-80s ways. Get thee hence and do not curse me with your presence again. Now be gone from my sight!"
The truth, though, is that I get very easily and strongly attached to strangers in a relatively short amount of time. If I talk to someone at a party for twenty minutes, chances are I think they're totally fascinating and wonderful and have already reserved a space for them in my bridesmaid line-up. This happens at parties, on public transportation, in classrooms, at meetings, any time I'm introduced to a new person who is even the least bit tolerable. Thus it follows that I can't risk becoming friends with the interns because as soon as the semester is over, I know they'll pop open their umbrellas and float away on the wind clutching their carpetbags and I'll be left behind. I can't take the abandonment.
I know what you're thinking. Why don't I just make an effort to hook up with them outside of work? Meet for drinks at a pub, host a dinner party, have them over for a movie? Hello, my name is Leah and I'm such a social misfit that if my best pal Teddy didn't harass me about weekly meet-ups, I'd probably never see him again because I'm just that incapable of setting a date. I hate the planning and decision-making and accomodating of schedules that come with hanging out with anyone other than Simon, and so I simply don't do it. I never invite anyone anywhere, host a party, or organize an outing.
Luckily, I know this about myself and can therefore give people fair warning about exactly what kind of friendship they're entering into with me. As soon as I start to get close to someone, I make it very clear that I'm a flakey flake with a thick flakey crust and that they're going to have to be militant about planning our get-togethers if they're ever going to happen--not because I don't want to hang out (because I do! really!) but because I get all stressed out and paranoid and nervous about the thousand and one things that could possibly go wrong. You'd think I lived in the worst of all possible worlds where disaster lurks around every corner, but in actuality, it's all in my mind.
How to deal with this? Say yes to every invitation. Stop obsessing. Make friends with people online who live hundreds of miles away and will therefore never want to go shoe shopping next Saturday.
I guess when I get right down to it, I'm not even upset that this "condition" has cost me potential friends. I don't need any more friends than I've got, thanks. And although I fear I sometimes don't take care of the friends I do have as well as I should, even that is more under control now than it's ever been. No, the real problem is that people who see me at work, at parties, wherever, think that because I'm friendly and outgoing around people I know but quiet and standoffish around everyone else, that means I'm stuck up and snotty, when in fact I'm really just afraid to get attached to something I can't maintain. My high school yearbook has more than a few autographs that include sentiments like "I used to think you were a bitch, but then I got to know you and you're really cool! BFF! Call me!" Let's put aside the fact that it's not very nice to call anyone a bitch in their yearbook and think about how stunned I was that I'd given off such a terrible impression when I thought I was only ever nice and kind and accepting of everyone. True, pereception is in the mind of the perceiver, but that doesn't mean I had nothing to do with the negative image I conveyed.
Which brings us to this weekend. Tomorrow we're taking off after work for the O.C., where I will meet Simon's mom for the first official time in my capacity as his girlfriend. We met briefly several years ago under much different circumstances, and let's just say it didn't go well at all. So much for first impressions. That history only makes worse an inherently nervewracking situation, and it's taking everything I've got to not crawl under the bed and hide there until next Monday.
But of course, Simon is as Simon does, and that means he's being wonderfully wonderful--kind words of reassurance and every now and then a "Get a hold of yourself, woman!" *slap slap* It will be fine, just like he said, but I'm still nervous about how much I can control how I'm perceived by someone who is already very important to me. If I'm talkative will she think I'm self-absorbed? If I'm quiet will she think I'm boring? Depending on what I wear, will I come off as too sloppy/prissy/trashy? Even if I planned out every little thing to wear and say and be, I could never control how any of it is perceived, and that is both liberating and paralyzing.
Simon's advice is "be yourself." Wise words but, um, have you noticed that I am kind of self-absorbed and boring and sloppy and prissy and trashy? Do I really want your mom to know all of that from the get-go? True, it's me and I'm proud of it and there's no use trying to be someone I'm not, but MAN, I want so much for her to like me and relate to me and understand me and--most importantly--understand us. I want to do well not for my sake or even her sake, but for his.
I generally don't stress about this kind of thing at all; worrying about the judgement of others will just make you crazy. I only care when it really matters. And people, this one really, really, really matters. Wish me luck.
She will LOVE you, Leah! You love her son with all that you are, and what more could a mother ask for? Hope it goes well. :)
Ah, I was just discussing with a friend tonight how I have the same problem. Because I am sometimes shy around people I don't know, but very open and friendly around people I do know I am often either told I am aloof or a snob. At one point some family members assumed I was - get this - mentally challenged because I didn't talk and I wasn't funny or witty. (Apparently this is very important in Egyptian culture.)
Anyway, you are AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME, and I'm sure Simon's mom will love you and things will go well. Like Amanda said, you love her son, and that should be enough for her to love you.
Just so that everyone knows, my mom has already said:
- I am sure I will like her
- You love her, therefore I will love her
- I see that you are happy with her, and that is the most important thing
There. Taken care of. Now we introduce, and it's a done dea.
The above comment was from me. Leah was using my computer last night, so the "name field" still had her name on it.
With what Simon just pointed out, and the fact that it is two english majors meeting, I see no problem. But, good luck anyway!
having been a temp for years i've been on the receiving end of the same behavior you exhibit toward interns. . . i never really cared 'cuz i knew why they did that - in a few days (or weeks) i'd never see any of them ever again so what was the point in even introducing yourself?. . .
plus, after several years of temping, i met a *lot* of temps and noticed that in general we're kind of a weird and quite often dumbass lot. . . and i mean "weird" in a bad way. . . which makes me understand even more why people never talked to us. . .
eventually after going on a few jobs i started reciprocating the behavior - if the person wasn't my "boss" or someone with whom i had to deal with to do my work, i'd ignore 'em. . . come lunchtime i'd either sit in the lunchroom buried in a book or fuck around in the parking lot with my skateboard. . .
Good luck! I've got my fingers crossed for you! :)
LUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And, miss avoidance-woman, I'm getting ready to send you a pestering email about getting together when you return.
;)
Nothing like meeting the outlaws to strike terror into your heart! According to your own Simon, all will go well :)
I, too, suck at making dates with people. At least I can blame it on my kids :)
I'm the same way - I get attached way too quickly. Let's be BFF...but not hang out..ever.
Wanna go shoe shopping next weekend? Hehehehehe
Good luck for the parent thing.....
Good luck! And try not to think about your previous meeting, you'll both have changed immeasurably since then. Have a lovely holiday weekend!
Good luck Leah! Not that you need it. I'm sure that you will be fine and everything will be easy peasey.
Good luck. I'm sure you'll win her over in record time.