April 10, 2006
Don't Call Me Ishmael
By way of the birth of Gwyneth Paltrow's new son Moses, Dutch just posted about his own wish to name a future son Goliath. Strong, virile, able to crush small boys with a stomp of his mighty foot, etc., I get it, but Goliath? Seriously? Besides, isn't he one of the bad guys?
A little over two years ago, when Simon and I were practical strangers to each other, I remember sitting on the opposite side of a snowed-in hot tub from him and hearing his speech about how glorious will be the day when he names his first son Ulysses. Which, um, over my dead body. I know it wasn't even my baby he was talking about then, but although I generally try to keep my nose out of other people's parenting decisions, when it comes to baby names, I can't help trying to save people from themselves before it's too late. See, pre-nascent parents get all loopy on hormones and nursery wallpaper fumes and then end up with spawn named Jarrako and Maiysleah and Dallkin. Say it with me now: WTF. Since the babies can't speak for themselves, I feel it is my duty to give voice to their in utero cries of "No! Not that! Anything but that!"
Now, two years later, although Ulysses has remained Simon's solid frontrunner, he's expanded his options to include other stunners of similar ilk. Recent proposals have included Merle (as in Haggard and "Merle the Girl"), Hank (as in Williams and "Hanky Panky, Want a Spanky"), and Kermit (*ribbit*). I don't know what kind of brain-crippling disease is responsible for this mental diarrhea, but thank god at least one of us is sound of mind and mindful of general aesthetics. (Don't bother asking what my proposed names are, though; they're all quite handsome and dashing, and I can't risk anyone stealing them, seeing as how everyone in the world will be pregnant twice over before I'm ever allowed to name a kid (*pout*).)
And now, because I'm all about saving the world one well-christened baby at a time, here are some quick naming tips for you and yours:
Tip 1. Remember that your baby won't be a baby forever. When choosing a name, pick something that will survive with grace and dignity into adulthood. No one wants to have a Grandma MacKayliegh or Grandpa Trayxton, and I don't know about you but I'm not comfortable putting my future in the hands of a Dr. Jessalynnalee Cooper or Chief Justice Whorrin-Delayne Robertson.
Tip 2. Do a little research so you don't give your baby the same "unique" name as every other kid on the block. I don't care how you spell it, Caitlin is Katelynne is K8len, and they all sound the same during kindergarten roll call. Unless you are over the age of twenty-one, if your name rhymes with Hatelyn, we can't ever be friends. I'm sorry, but don't blame me, blame your parents.
Tip 3. Don't be stupid. This is most important tip of all.
Maybe I'm harsh. Maybe I'm paranoid. Maybe it's that I come from a state where people wantonly ignore all three tips, or maybe it's that I'm the daughter of a man who calls his neices Scumberly and the Nissan Elf. Maybe I just want what's best for the babies of the world, and something tells me that spending the K-12 years as "Ulysses the Sissy" isn't condusive to a young boy's mental well-being. I believe the children are our future. Name them well and let them lead the way. Show them all the beauty they possess inside. Give them a sense of pride. By not giving them stupid-ass names that you think are kyoot because, like, you spelled them in a totally kewl way.
Posted by Leah at April 10, 2006 02:07 PMAll I can add to that is...AMEN! I'm NOT a fan of made-up names, or weird names, or whatever.
I would really love to hear your choices, though. We don't live ANYWHERE near each other :)
I know someone who called their kid Nemesis...they call her Nemmy for short. Simon's Ulysses idea reminded me of that. I'm not sure where they were coming from with that idea but you might as well call them `mortal enemy' and be done with it. I mean who looks up the definition of Nemesis...sees `something that causes misery or death; the bane of my life' and thinks YES!
Posted by: Tan at April 10, 2006 05:04 PMWellll...Nemesis *can* be seen as a good/cool name because she was actually the goddess of divine justice in Greek mythology. Sorry, I don't mean to be a snot, but the Classicist in me was crying out over that one. And speaking of Classical names, I've always liked (and have seriously thought of naming my daughter) Penelope. :o) Maybe my daughter and your son could hook up one day!
Posted by: Shirley at April 10, 2006 05:36 PMWhat is UP with that anyways? Superman has always wanted "Titan" for a boy. Yeah. !?!?!
Posted by: beck at April 10, 2006 07:41 PMLook, in a totally different universe, Simon, I'd stand behind you, buddy. Ulysses! Was there ever a better role model for a young scamp! Well, yeah, I guess there was JESUS but whevs.
However, in this universe, everyone will just call him Sissy.
Posted by: Krissa at April 10, 2006 07:48 PMAgreed!
My parents thought they were being interesting and kooky in giving me a rare "good, strong" blokey welsh name (I'm not welsh, not to mention not male!). Thanks heaps Ma and Pa. And some how my older sister and younger brother got away with 2 of the most drab common names around.
I hate having to repeat my name a million times and THEN spell it just as many when telling people what it is. I reckon I have lost at least a month of my life doing this!
Whats wrong with names like John and Jane people???
Posted by: just a girl at April 10, 2006 08:48 PMLeah,
I would appreciate it if you would NOT turn me into a laughing hyenna in the middle of Kinkos at 12 a.m. With that being said, am I wrong to want to name my daughter Brooke Lyn? And yes, that's her entire first name. Sort of like Mary Ann. What do you think? You are the expert on what NOT to name our children. Also, I plan on naming my son Christopher Wallace, after the Notorious BIG. I don't think anyone would notice unless I told them. But does the origin of the name alone make it unacceptable? Tell me your thoughts.
Don't bother asking what my proposed names are, though; they're all quite handsome and dashing, and I can't risk anyone stealing them
FWIW, Traxler and Gremlin are neither handsome nor dashing names. (Nice job crossbreeding Traxler and Trayden to get Trayxton, though.)
I can't wait until the 2010's when all the 13-year-old l33t-sp33k h4x0r dorks are old enough to start having script kiddies of their own. The common English language as we know it will be massacared by its own devices...
"Remember, English doesn't borrow from other languages. It follows them into dark alleys, knocks them down and then rummages through their pockets for loose grammar!"Posted by: Tim at April 10, 2006 09:34 PM- Kevin O'Shaughnessy
This made me laugh; I love your spellings. I don't get it either. One I've heard lately is Jaxon and it pains me, it really does.
Posted by: Sara at April 10, 2006 11:13 PMHmmmmm, yes I agree. I want to call my daughter Hannah (the worst I have come up with is Jezebel (even the evil 'ho has a nice name). No boy name yet, although no children now or probably ever hehehe.
I know someone named Jaxon. I thought it was quite cool, at least it is not as bad as Julyn (Yoo-lane), a mixture of her parents names, Jurie (jury with a silent j) and Madelyn (with pronounced Afrikaans accent)
This post goes along with one I just put on my blog (see blatant hint below).
I have to add in BIG LETTERS that it is also wrong to name a child a "normal" name and spell it weird. We've got some acquaintances (we wouldn't let friends do this) who have three kiddos with odd spellings, including "Abygayle." She is forever sentenced to her name being mispronounced and misspelled by others. FOREVER.
We went to great lengths to come up with a normal name for our son that was also unique to our family. It was while driving home from Home Depot that we both agreed upon a name for our son we liked (Justin Elliott T-bone). Guess we'll be making that journey again in a few months. (wink, wink).
Posted by: Texas T-bone at April 11, 2006 05:41 AMI keep a running list of names that actually make me angry. I have been in several daycares in the past few months and I constantly hear, "Payton! Connor! Bailey! Madison! Sit down, please!" (but I don't actually think Ulysses is that awful, it could be shortened and is a nice, historical name should he ever want to be President).
Posted by: eileen at April 11, 2006 05:48 AMok, maybe my name has given me a different persepctive on life considering it is jeorg. and that is not my made up name for the internet. i am a girl and i have a boys name. it doesn't bother me when people name their kids weird things. i don't like all of the names, but it is a matter of taste. i look at it as an evolutionary cycle.
my mom's name is a name you haven't seen since the 50's (when she was born) and anyone with that name was obv born in that decade. i agree that some names are silly, but again, that is a taste thing. and as a girl named jeorg, i pay no mind to what others get named or choose to name their kids.
your post is funny though.
Posted by: jeorg at April 11, 2006 06:40 AMFunny!
My wife is a teacher. We've had great fun over the years with her roster. On meeting these poor kid's parents, I've had to resist a powerful urge to whip the crap out of them.
My boys are Steven and Kevin.
You are actually the second woman named Jeorg in my life, so how about that? :)
My beef is mostly with the cutesy names that the parents think are unique. If you're going to name your kid Baylleigh Maddysin, just please be aware that 1. she will be one among thousands, 2. everyone will constantly misspell her name, and 3. she will never be a successful physicist.
Posted by: Leah at April 11, 2006 08:38 AMGoliath is in the bible? I thought he was just a talking dog?
Posted by: will at April 11, 2006 10:51 AMGood insights, Leah. We are still fighting the name battle in our house and have yet to agree on anything for our baby-to-be. It's tough, but I think we'll find something you'd be proud of. :)
Posted by: Amanda at April 11, 2006 10:59 AMRIGHT ON! RIGHT ON! RIGHT ON!!!!!
My cousin is married to a woman named 'Vendetta'. What kind of person would name their daughter, that they presumably loved, Vendetta?
My dad worked with a man years ago whose first name was 'Ordinary'. That was his real first name. Worse, his last name was 'Green'. I suppose that was better than naming him 'Kelly' or 'Forrest'...or maybe not.
This stuff drives me nuts, though!!
Posted by: Tammy at April 11, 2006 02:16 PMI really don't understand why people want to be so cruel to their kids. Maybe it's because I've been a teacher and have seen just about everything, but all I know is that I want my kids to have names that people can say and spell with a minimum of trouble. And I don't want to name them after a Disney character. Sure, Jasmine is kind of nice if it wasn't overdone. Ariel can almost be overlooked. Mufasa is just wrong. How am I supposed to keep a straight face when I have to call on Mufasa all the time?
Posted by: Carrie at April 11, 2006 03:05 PM"K8len"
Dammit. Why didn't I think of adding numbers to my kid's name? I could make a whole barcode.
Thanks for the laugh. I agree completely. I only comment now because I had an appraiser to my house yesterday. Nice guy. His name was Ulysses.
Of course, having just read your rant, I nearly lost it when he told me his name.
Hold the line on that name! :-)
