A Girl...

you said: I’m curious to know if people who had hard childhoods and/or don’t really like themselves intend to raise their children to be different from themselves.

i had a very hard childhood and i wouldn't mind a child just like me. i just intend on raising my children differently so that they don't have it hard the way i did.

Okay, here goes.

I had a difficult childhood. My father was emotionally/psychologically abusive. He yelled. A lot. My mother coddled me and spoiled me, probably as a backlash against my father's treatment of me.

I vowed I'd be different with my kids, and I am. I *do* have a quick temper, but I'm really working on it and if I slip (yell at the kids or say something I really don't mean in the heat of anger) I always, always apologize and talk about why I said/did what I said/did. My kids know I'm human and that we all make mistakes and it's okay, as long as we keep trying to be better.

That said, I find it much more difficult to "get along" with my son than my daughter. My son is SO much like me it's almost like he's a clone. My daughter couldn't be any more different. I think I'm afraid to see my son make the same mistakes I made, so I tend to be harder on him. Again, it's something I work at constantly, to treat him fairly and to not let my personal demons interfere with his childhood.

Then again, the ways they are different from me are amazing. They both have *incredible* self-esteem (from being told from birth how awesome they are), they're both very social (unlike my "hide behind my mother's legs" approach to life), and neither of them are struggling at all at school (probably because their home life is stable and secure, unlike mine. I never knew what was going to happen when my dad came home).

You recognize your failings and you try your hardest not to pass them on. That's all we can do. We have to love them with everything we have, and they'll turn out okay.

Oh, one more thing: I said my mother coddled and spoiled me, and I refuse to have spoiled children. They work for an allowance and they have impeccable manners, and I *do not* allow tantrums of any kind. Tantrums are met with immediate consequences (loss of privileges, time outs, more chores) and they are few and far between (even in the "terrible twos").

i want my kids to be less like the very shy and socially awkward me when i was young, and more like the more outgoing and at ease me that i've grown into. i see kids like that, so i know it's not something you can only grow up to be. which means me being different than my parents in some ways, mainly showing affection and being more positive. that's not to speak ill of them, that's just the way things were.

i also want them to be independent, critical thinkers, to march to their own drummer yet be considerate and socially responsible...again, more like the me i've become than the me i was.

I think I could handle one or two tiny Amy Chop's. They'd eat a lot of popsicles be all freckle-y. I'd cut out the curly Richard Simmons hair stage though, which is easy enough since my mom did it to me on purpose with home perms. Yeekes.

I always wondered what I'd do if I had a daughter who wanted to be a cheerleader - how to be supportive rather than disowning them as a changeling or biological sport!

I would want my kids to be a lot less shy and more assertive than I am - I agree that brash confidence, even if it's labeled as brattiness, is better than being too unassuming.

I admire people who are unlike me in that they're uninhibited and unselfconscious and I've always believed that a big part of that has to be linked to having had a really warm, welcoming home environment. My parents did the best they could, but I definitely plan on having a much different atmosphere for future mini-mes.

It was less “You’re not the boss of me” and more “I disagree with your methods and I’m not afraid to say so and defend my right to autonomy.”

And when that doesn't work, you just cry until you get your way (and hey, if it works every time, then why not?)

I don't want kids at all. Ever. I couldn't imagine anything that is further away from my ideal plan for my life (but then what in life ever goes to plan?). But really, I'm just missing that gene that makes people feel the urge to procreate.

That said *if* I did have kids - they could go ahead and be my dopelganger when they were young - I had a great childhood (my family ROCKS), I was well balanced, popular, outgoing and clever, things just got a bit skewed as I got older for some reason.

This doesn't quite answer your question, but I would like my kids (if I have 'em) to be however they are. I guess I believe that personality is to a great extent biologically predetermined. I only hope that I will nurture all that is good in them, and not aggravate that which is not so good.
If they turn out like me, that's fine. But if they don't, that's fine too.

I worry less about whether my boys are like me and more about whether they are happy, confident, flexible and know right from wrong. I see bits and pieces of my personality in my children, but as we all know, we change from childhood to adulthood -- so who knows how they will be years from now. I am actually excited at the opportunity to watch them "blossom", whether they are a sunflower or a rose or a bleeding heart, it will all be fine with me.
I had a difficult childhood, not because of abusive parents, but because of other circumstances. Those circumstances made me a better, stronger person -- so I really try not to complain.

It's not so much that I want kids just like me as I want to give my kids a chance to have a childhood like mine. I was very lucky and very sheltered from bad things in life and it gave me the chance to be always idealistic and always optimistic about the chances of things working out for the best.

This wasn't easy, either, for my parents - the first decade of my life was a difficult one for the adults in my extended family but I respect that my parents actively shielded me from that and let me have a very happy-go-lucky childhood. I was allowed to be exactly who I was.

That's what I hope to have the wherewithal and emotional fortitude to pass on to my kids - the ability to just be themselves and not be saddled about grownup issues until they're grownups and I've had enough time to instill some good lessons about that.

Also, the grace to accept it when they make mistakes and love them all the way through it.

I'd love to see some of my favourite parts of my personality shining back at me through my children, and I think it would be cool if they kind of looked like me (is that vain or what?). But I hope that they don't have to struggle with the same stupid issues that I have had to.