A Girl...

Simon Says - "A Changed Man"

We went and saw it this weekend. Brokeback Mountain. Saw it from start to finish, including previews and credits. And sadly, this movie has changed me. Changed me in ways I never would have imagined.

I never thought it would happen to me...

... but I have switched. That's right, I'm gay now. Gay gay gay.

I know I should have taken them more seriously over at the Family Research Council (www.frc.org). They warned me over and over. By condoning homosexual activity, I have actually weakened my resolve, and have fallen into that pit of sin and depravity.

I'm all faggy now. And not tough faggy like Ennis (did you see him beat up that motorcycle guy? Oh, so hot!) but all limp-wristed and prissy. Like that one designer on that Home Makeover show. I noticed, as I sashayed from the theater, that my "s" sounds were becoming just a liiiiiittle more distinct (many people call it a gay lisp, but it's actually the opposite of a lisp, if you listen carefully. It's actually more of an over-enunciation of the s sound).

Tony Perkins, Executive Director of the FRC, how could I have been so foolish to ignore you and your warnings? Senator Santorum, how is it that your message fell onto my deaf ears? I should have known that the mere act of allowing gay people to marry each other in Massachusetts would soon make me lust for men. By allowing grown, consenting adults to do as they please behind closed doors, I have implicitly accepted homosexuality as an acceptable alternative to heterosexuality, and caused my sexual orientation to switch poles.

Ahhhh, men! Their hairy backs, their stupid big trucks and their goatees and backwards baseball caps! How I lust for them, for their thick arms and athletic legs! And the way they woo you juuuuust enough to get into your pants! Oh, how I lust for them now, in a way I never thought I would... never thought I could!

Homosexuality used to be so abhorrent to me. I used to actually prefer women, I used to think that sex, or even love with a woman was the route for me. HA! What was I thinking? Now that I have seen a movie that shows two people who desperately love each other, to the point at which it is painful for them to be apart, and happen to both be men, the ladies have no hold over me. I am reformed. Men for me from now on. Men, men, men!

I used to scorn the anti-gay people. I thought that they were crazy. They would tell me that accepting homosexuals in our society would harm heterosexual relationships. In fact, allowing gay people to love each other in the bonds of legal matrimony would redefine marriage, and more-or-less erase it from existence! I used to think that these were nonsense ideas. But now, now that I know the pleasure of carnal man-flesh, I realize that these homophobes were in fact right on the money. Now that I have seen Brokeback Mountain, I want to do a little Brokeback Mountin' myself, if you know what I mean! (Tee-Hee!)

As a matter of fact, as I was leaving the theater, I looked at a lot of other men who were apparently going through the same thing I was. I saw them look at their wives and girlfriends and dates with such distain, with such loathing, that I knew, I knew that marriage as we know it was about to die. No longer would our society be able to raise well adjusted happy kids. Nope, we turned a corner that night. We will now be a country of hedonistic faggots, basking in the glory of our great and lovely homosexuality. Women will eventually die off, and babies will stop being born, and we will live out our short homo lives in an orgy of gay porn, rainbow flags and Pottery Barn catalogues.

I offer you the following proof: when Leah and I got home (I refused to hold her repulsive girl-hand in the car while I drove), she did the unthinkable. She tried to kiss me! I tried to ignore it at first, but the more persistent she was, the more disgusted I became. When she tried the (formerly effective) trick of offering her woman-flower to me, I nearly retched.

"Woman," I cried out, "you disgust me! Can't you see that this movie has changed me? I no longer desire you! I am succumbing to the inevitable future of our nation, a future in which male-female relationships are no longer viable. You see, Leah, our society's permissiveness has gotten the best of me. Now that gay people can marry in Massachusetts, it is impossible to have happy children, a satisfying sex life, or a moral existence... for you, for me... for any of us! Any of us, I say!"

We talked for a while. She suggested that we try a strap-on, or perhaps we could compromise by going out together and watching boys at the mall. But alas, I told her that until she could pump me full of that lovely man-juice, we were through.

She cried herself to sleep, and I went dancing down at The Man Shack, and did a shitload of meth while I buggered a stranger I met at the docks.