A Girl...

Utah

Oh man. Man oh man oh man. Here's a Top Five.

5. First, there's the Museum of Bad Hair that is the entire state. There's this thing that's happening on the backs of the womenfolks' heads here--the teasing, the bouffanting, the Sonic the Hedgehog spiking. And then there's the overhighlighting, the overstraightening, and, by god, the frosting. In the Bay Area, it's all about the Indie Hair--the overgrown shag the boys sport at Death Cab concerts--but way up here in the mountains it's all big and poofy and thirteen different shades of blonde and brunette and shimmer all swirled together like a sepia tornado. Here's some Sonic Utah Hair that I spotted on the steps of the Uffizi this summer; $100 says this woman is from Provo.

4. Wacky jello. Ahem: jello with marshmallows, jello with pineapple, jello with carrots, jello with cheese. I just asked my mom what else ithey put in it and her answer was "Oh, just stuff." Eek.

3. Conservative values = high shock value of every little thing. I told my very religious grandpa that Simon has a nose ring, and his next question was "Is he also covered with tattoos?! Has he defaced his temple?!" (Mormons teach their young that their bodies are "temples" so they won't get pierced or do the crack or drink the Folgers. Eating a whole bucket of KFC and then washing it down with a tub of gravy is totally okay though.

2. You've heard of Ebonics? How about Utahnics? The Utah accent is really hard to reproduce in print but it's kind of like a choppier version of a Valley Girl accent with more frequent abuse of misplaced glottal stops. Mountain: see, Mau-en. Clinton: see, Cli-en. Also: pillow, milk, crayon, and mirror = pellow, melk, cren, and meer. There's also a very special intonation called "church voice" that is a little bit like the Yiddish verklempt in that the voice gets all quiet and wavery, but with the added Utah effect of being full of "the spirit" and full of "telling you what to do." Utah accents are funny haha, but Church Voice is funny gross.

1. Not on the First Date: Utah's nod to reality dating shows. The quality of their website should be taken as some kind of evidence. Also, their motto is "Guaranteed to take you from first date to eternal mate." What's not great about that?! So of course there's the Utah Hair. And the Utah Accent. And the Utah Desperation to Get Married Before I Turn 22 and Have to Go to the Special Church Group for Rejects Who Couldn't Get Hitched Fresh Out of High School. I wish this show was on every night on every channel. It's funny ohmygod.

If there's one thing they know how to do well here, though, it's have cute babies in great quantities. Here's one:

Baby, baby, baby.