June 25, 2004
Broken
Here's the deal.
*deep breath*
Four weeks ago Ethan and I broke off the engagement and broke up. For good.
*deep breath*
Before I go any further, let me just say that I'm fine, he's fine, we're doing well, and it's For the Best™. But it still sucks. This isn't how it was supposed to happen at all. I'm not getting married to and having babies with and growing old beside the man who's been my one and only for the last six and a half years--since I was eighteen years old--for what amounts to, in short, my entire adult life. We grew up together. And now we've grown apart.
Even though I've had a whole month to figure out how to explain things, not to mention plenty of practice telling family, friends, coworkers, and virtual strangers about it, I'm still not quite sure how to put everything down so it makes sense. Because in a lot of ways it doesn't make sense. And yet, it is, as Martha would say, a Good Thing. Like heroin withdrawls are a good thing, I suppose.
It started out with an innocent enough conversation over burgers that soon evolved into a realization on my part that, Oh my god, he hasn't been into this relationship for months now and I just wanted it to work so badly that I kept ignoring it and ignoring it and blaming the distance and lack of interest in all things Me on his school-related stress. But once the dreaded oral exams were over and the academic detox complete and we were able to go out and do fun things together without the constant distraction of so many books to read and so many names and dates and battles and political movements to memorize, it hit me like the proverbial Mack truck that I was on the losing end of an "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" relationship. SMACK.
And then it shifted into reverse and hit me again. SMACK.
We drove around a lot that night. We laid out the groundwork on the tip of Point Richmond, overlooking the north end of San Francisco Bay, red with sunset. That only took about an hour. Then we ventured over the Berkeley hills into the valley, where we drove for what seemed like forty days and forty nights. Not much was said on the second half of the drive; I think we were in shock. I think there was nothing that could be said. But we did put in the perfect disc and now, strange to say, we have a beautiful and heartwrenching and absolutely perfect breakup song. Something to remember "us" by.
What it comes down to is that we want different things for our future. I, for instance, want to get married. He's not so hot on the idea--not just with me but in general. Now, part of being in a relationship is compromising and making sacrifices, but the whole marriage/family question is hardly something either of us could ask the other to let slide, and so here we are in the situation we're in. There's a lot more wrapped up in the issue beside marriage and all its trappings(says he)/benefits(says me). But that's the basic issue. For a myriad of complex and sometimes nonsensical reasons, he can't/won't commit himself to being my husband and the father of my children. We don't hate each other, we're not fighting, there wasn't an epic clash over any of the usual stuff couples fight over (except maybe his obsession with his career); we just want different things.
Strange that all along I thought we were on the same page while it seems he was hoping he'd eventually grow out of his distate for "conventional domesticity" and be the person he thought I wanted him to be. But I can't hang around forever hoping that will happen. I'm sad and disappointed and I do, in truth, feel a little betrayed, but I can hardly be angry at someone for wanting to be true to his own needs, can I?
Now I'd like to be sensitive to his side and I certainly don't want this to become a forum for hating on someone I still very much care for, but because this is my blog and I can say whatever I want, I will let it fly for just a paragraph that I think it is his fault, and that I think if he had his priorities straight he'd see how much more people matter than scholarship and philosophy. But I can't make it my life's work to convince him of that. It shouldn't be that hard to be in love, and if he doesn't feel that, I shouldn't have to make a pie chart and give a PowerPoint presentation to defend my case. What keeps me going these days is the knowledge that when the time is right, Someone out there will need no convincing to move in with me, no coercion to ask me to marry him, and no small army to drag him to the altar and nod his head up and down when the vows are read.
This is an exaggeration, of course (something Ethan couldn't stand about my communication style...), but it's an exaggeration offered up to make a point about a True thing, a True thing that makes me feel a little angry and a lot foolish, but also relieved that I'm seeing it now instead of a year or two or ten from now. I haven't wasted my life on nothing; I haven't lost the best years of my life; I don't regret a thing that's brought me to this point. We were perfect up until the last second, and when our time was up, we let go and walked away with a tear in one eye and a knowing wink in the other. And that, I am sure, is better than sticking around until you can't stand each other anymore and it's years and years before you finally run screaming to opposite corners of the universe and can't ever look each other in the face again. No, for the last month we have been living in the same tiny one-bedroom apartment, sleeping on the same futon, eating dinner together, going to movies together, doing laundry together, vacationing to New York together(!), all this without being together together. It's been weird, but it's also been okay.
Perhaps it's been okay because our separation isn't yet physical and because--sexual stuff aside--we've been carrying on largely as normal. But that's all about to change. He starts moving his stuff out on Monday and I'll be alone alone alone, all by myself, just me and the cat and Dr. Phil and endless cans of tunafish and Dennison's 99% fat free chili (how do they do that and make it taste so good?!). So although I feel that, by not writing about this for so long, I've robbed you, dear readers, as well as the future me (who will be reading all these archives forever and ever like the true narcissist she is) of the detailed autopsy of the world's most bizarre breakup, the shit has yet to really reach the vicinity of the fan. So pull up a chair and wear a poncho because it's about to get dirty. Not angry dirty but sad and depressed dirty. I apologize in advance. I am not by nature a sad and depressed person and I will fight it like a champ, but it's also a swamp I have to wade through to get to the meadow on the other side, so bear with me folks, okay?
And to you, Dylan (because that is your real name), you know all you need to know. Fill in the blanks the way you know I would. I love you and miss you already. It's been amazing. I can't thank you enough, and I wish you nothing but the very best.
Hey, you wrote some of the things I have been too chicken to say about my engagement-on-hold/engagement-over/breakup/move. "It shouldn't be that hard to be in love, and if he doesn't feel that, I shouldn't have to make a pie chart and give a PowerPoint presentation to defend my case." That's pretty much how I felt. Thank you for being so honest about it.
Posted by: tina at June 26, 2004 05:54 AMyou should not apologise for the words we are about to receive. you are going through a grieving process, grieving the life you lived and no longer have and the life you thought you would live with this boy.
*insert endless cliches* (but you know they have become cliches because they have rung true again and again).
thanks for your honesty.
Posted by: chlamygirl at June 26, 2004 07:59 AMAaah. Ow. Oh... =( And that stupid sad face still doesn't convey what I can't find words to say.
Posted by: beck at June 26, 2004 08:07 AMI am shocked. Really shocked. I don't know what to say except I'm sorry and hang in there and all that other cliche stuff. You wrote about it so beautifully that my heart feels like it's breaking too....sorry to be so sappy.
Cheers for your really great attitude.
Posted by: lainey at June 26, 2004 05:54 PMOh dear.
{{{hugs}}} from a virtual friend yet-in-reality stranger.
No need to apologize in advance. This is your place to write.
Posted by: girl at June 27, 2004 09:41 AMsigh... I have even more admiration for you now than I did before. If that's possible. Someday there will be someone who will wonder how he ever lived before he married you. You're that kind of girl.
Posted by: SAJ at June 27, 2004 11:37 AMI'm sorry to read about all of this. I know how hard realizations and the subsequent actions those realizations prompt can impact all of us.
I went through something similar about two years ago (right around this time) with someone. From what I gather, I was in your bf's position and one that still affects me to this day.
We all make decisions based on what we believe to be right for each of us. Sometimes, not getting what you want is the best thing that can happen to you. Hopefully, you'll find what your looking for and the journey in acquiring it will be worthwhile.
e!
Posted by: E! at June 28, 2004 01:02 AMoh... damn... I have no words. I haven't been THERE exactly but know how hard it is to let go of someone even if it is for all the right reasons.
Wishing all the best for you.
Posted by: emma at June 28, 2004 09:51 AMI'm sorry... and not. Consider this as the voice of experience (yuck). I was your age and in your position seven years ago, and here I am now infinitely happier and ready to settle down with someone who is just as prepared. It isn't hard to love someone when it is the right someone. I can't wait to hear those stories when they happen, but in the meantime, let the shit fly. *grabs umbrella*.
Good luck, kiddo - your maturity impresses the hell out of me.
Posted by: treefen at June 28, 2004 12:53 PMyou made the right decision. you are brave, strong and incredibly smart.
Posted by: mipmup at June 30, 2004 01:42 PMWow - I know it's very tough but it's good you guys realized that you have different goals now, rather than after you got married. I'm engaged, and my fiance and I are, a bit tardily, still trying to figure out all of life's big questions on getting married. I appreciate your sharing your experience.
Posted by: Bex at June 30, 2004 08:28 PMOhmyGOD! Where have I been! I'm so sorry, Leah. But I'm amazed by how you're handling it. Really. I probably would have been throwing things and then throwing more things cuz I'd be so pissed that I broke stuff.
You're right. It's better that you guys split now than later. What you two did took guts. You're amazing.
And look at you. You're gorgeous. Once you get through the required amount of grief and anger, you'll shine brighter than ever before. You'll be stronger, wiser, more independent and assured of what you want.
This will be a good thing. Hang in there.
Posted by: gimmy at July 1, 2004 07:12 AMYou sure do have a good head on your shoulders, you are thinking very clearly -- and it will only serve you well in the future.
I always used to say, "A short term pain is worth the long term gain." With that, while it may seem like a big pain now, in your lifetime, this change will be SMALL, but the gain will be huge, if you hold out to find the right partner for life.
Cheers to you -- and happy times very soon!
My boyfriend and I, while not engaged, are looking at a situation very much like this. I am moving out 'to go to grad school' which is true, but there is a far deeper truth than what we're telling people right now-we're breaking up. The part that I feel the most foolish about is that we've broken up once before. We tried the mutual blog, but it fizzled as we did.
Just wanted to share. Thanks for your heartfelt post.
At least you get the cat! : ) My bf is keeping ours.
Posted by: Susanne at July 14, 2004 01:40 PMWhere have I been - Dear Leah! I am so very, very sorry!
I'm finally catching up on some of my blog's reading and I foud out about the break-up.
I'll send you a note soon!
I go to Europe for one summer and all hell breaks loose! Well, I have had the same experience, and trust me, as Treefen said, you will be much better off in the long run. Hold your head up high!
Posted by: Jeorg at July 21, 2004 04:12 PMJust found you through sassylittlepunkin, and was so sorry to hear about this breakup, on my very first visit here. But as someone older than you and hopefully a little wiser, let me pass along the wisdom of a friend of mine. I constantly complained to her that I couldn't find anyone suitable for me. And she told me that it's better to wait endlessly for the right person than to try to force it to work with someone who doesn't want it to. I think you've found that out for yourself, and I know it doesn't 100 percent help. But my friend came through this wisdom after her divorce, and the ex-couple has a two-year-old child, which is very difficult. You got out at the right time, which still hurts, but is a different kind of hurt than what might have come if you had forced the issue.
Keep the faith, girl. There have to be enough of the good boys out there for all the good girls I know, virtually and in real life. Hugs from a stranger coming your way.
Posted by: Esther at October 5, 2004 02:46 PMstate of idaho job service fashion jobs in new york job listings job finder san antonio jobs florida disaster jobs security guard jobs nj job search medical laboratory technician jobs graduate engineering jobs accounting job virginia job search in illinois employment agency new jersey state jobs listing las vegas security jobs find a job for teen recruiter jobs houston job search san antonio hospital jobs medical jobs find jobs at monster at home medical coding jobs houston job opportunity computer job new york singapore it job armored security jobs clearwater florida jobs job description marketing executive arkansas education jobs job vacaville california billing from home job medical work employer choice virginia employment commission career opportunities employer tax jobs in los angeles california insurance executive jobs jobs in peoria illinois nursing jobs in texas
Posted by: Dan at November 6, 2004 11:05 PM*sigh* I just found your site through Gimcracker...and was surfing through reading this & that...when I found your engagement story & photos. I got all teary and felt like an ass at my desk. Then I found this post and got even MORE teary. So now I'm posting without reading anything current so I hope I'm not being a repeat ass (again). I will have to catch up. I have to tell you, I've been on your side of the "I'm not in love with you" conversation and it still hurts. After 4 years. Luckily last year I met someone who being in a relationship ISN'T hard with and someone I consider my soul mate. They're right - sometimes NOT getting what you want is worth it. So worth it.
Posted by: carrster at December 9, 2004 08:56 AMHi
I know it's now six months after the fact, but I stumbled upon your blog here tonight. I haven't read the current postings, so I don't know how it all turns out, but I'm betting that you are doing just fine! As so many have already told you, you handled everything with such class and such maturity. When I started reading it, I literally felt like someone had watched my life and wrote a story about it. I had the same things happen, the exact same feelings, same thoughts... same everything...After 6 years together, my ex-fiance left 3 months before our wedding and went to New York. We dealt with so many similar issues to what it sounds like you guys did. We actually tried to hang on and tried to make it work, I was going to move there (a place where I want to crawl out of my skin after spending any more than a weekend there)we talked about him moving back here (he was miserable when he was here, how was that going to work?) until finally after another 2 years (yep that makes it 8 years all together) we finally realized that our worlds were never going to mesh. We had such different wants/desires/views/goals out of life but for some reason, just couldn't let go. It's amazing how we can love someone that can be so right in so many ways and yet so wrong in so many more. I, like you, thought that eventually he too would "grow out of this" and would want all of the same "family things" that I did... it was just taking him a little longer... I mean, he is a guy, and.. afterall, isn't that what everyone wants eventually!?! Isn't that everyones "happy ending"!!! (yeah right!)
I learned so much from what happened and while at times I feel anger and regret mostly just because I'm not yet at the place I want to be at in my life at 32 yrs old...I realize that no matter how much two people love one another, it doesn't always mean it is meant to be. Neither one of us could or should sacrifice our happiness to make it work.
As hard as it was/is...it was the right decision. You were smart, you didn't keep trying to hold on like I did. Who knows what the future holds....but I have no doubt that it is 100x better than what would have been if you went through with the wedding. When you said "it shouldn't be this hard to be in love" you couldn't have said it better... it is so true.
I still have my share of hard days when he crosses my mind more than I'd like...but, throughout those years, he became my best friend too, so no matter how much time passes, I'm sure a little part of me will always miss him and what "could have been" but when I think of him now, what comes to mind mostly is that I hope he has found happiness.
Anyway, I could go on and on.. .but just know, (as I'm sure you do) that you are not alone and that so many of us have been there too. It sounded like you handled it amazingly.... I hope you are still doing just as good as you were then!
sorry for such a lengthy comment... just hit close to home.
Good luck and thanks for sharing your story.
Take care and stay strong!
