Oscar (Mayer) Wieners
I woke up today all excited that I had something meaningful to write about the Oscars (which I watched in its entirety, starting with the pre-show red-carpet extravaganza at 3:00 p.m. because I'm a dork and a loser). I mean, how could I not talk about that moment in his acceptance speech when Johnny Depp thanked his "beautiful boyfriend" and, in essence, came out of the closet right there in front of 200 billion people?
What a surprise, what a treat! What a huge risk for the Sexiest Man Alive to take on this, the most special night of his career! (I also wondered if he was offended when someone called his Captain Jack Sparrow "slightly gay" instead of the more accurate and politically correct "slightly effeminate.")
As I lay in bed this morning all warm and glowy with the thought that finally people are allowed to love without fear of rejection or public ridicule, I realized that, wait, Johnny Depp didn't win an Oscar. And he didn't thank his boyfriend. It was just a dream. A wonderful, horrible dream.
[For the record, everyone who voted for Lord of the Rings for anything that had anything to do with musical score or directing or editing for Christ's sake!, can kiss my big ol' J-Lo booty. You people suck. And to Scarlett: I wasn't so sure about the platinum blonde when I saw you at the Golden Globes, and you looked downright corpsish on the cover of Vanity Fair (top right), but last night you looked simply radiant. You glowed even more than 13-months-pregnant Marcia Gay Harden, and that's a lot of glowing. And don't despair JoJo; I'm still working out a plan to kidnap you.]
Since you've got the J-lo booty, I guess that makes me Ben, right? Of course, that's not possible since I'm about as attractive as Benicio del Torro with his gnarled mess of hair.
And doesn't everyone want some of what Peter Jackson's wife, Mrs. Flower child, was on?
No, dear, you are not Ben. And your hair is not tangled a la Benicio or The Hobbit who Stole the Oscars. Your hair is more like Tom Cruise's in The Last Samurai. Or Fabio's on the cover of this romance novel. Ick. (But I still love you!)
As I said, I got all the categories right. Nyah, nyah. ;P
since i didn't watch and somehow had managed to escape all the talk about oscars (except i heard that LOTR got many, and i so agree with you), i was reading this post and going oh my gosh! and really?!? and yay! and then, then the whole Johnny Depp thing was a dream... for a moment there, you had me believing. oh, damn.
I would love to hear your elaborate theory about why the LOTR won so many Oscars. My, not so elaborate theory is that LOTR had the most people working on it and they all voted for their movie.
My theory is somewhat similar. At the end of the broadcast there was a note that only people professionally involved in a certain category are allowed to vote for nominees in said category, e.g., only cinematographers or other qualified experts get to vote on cinematography and only film editors get to vote on editing, etc. So what I think happened is that because so many of the peripheral awards are "technical" rather than "artistic," all the techno geek boys (and girls) who work in these areas are the same techno geek boys (and girls) who absolutely worship the whole LOTR phenomenon--books, movies, action figures, lunch boxes, costumes, breakfast cereal, you name it. (Think of the guys who were on stage crew or in the radio club in high school. (I love you guys, but you have bad taste in entertainment--sorry!)) So that explains how LOTR won in all the technical categories.
Now, when deciding Best Picture, everyone in the Academy gets to vote. Techno geeks as well as actors, directors, screenwriters, everyone. But the "artistic"-minded folk couldn't possibly out-vote all the techno geeks, could they, because there are sooooo many technical categories and so few categories dedicated to the art of what makes a film "great" rather than just "skillfully done." I bet a bunch of the techno geeks didn't even see Lost in Translation or Mystic River in the first place because there weren't any 'splosions or CGI creatures from outer space.
So that is how Hobbit from Kiwiland stole the Oscars. I just hope we don't have to go through all this next year with The Passion. All I can hope is that the techno geeks will have renounced Christianity by then.
(As for how that bland Annie Lennox song won for Best Song over the super-awesome "Belleville Rendezvous," which I have listened to no less than 300 times in the last two weeks, and over the bland but at least a little bit interesting song by Sting, well, I think some money or sexual favors exchanged hands to make that one happen. I just hope Peter Jackson wasn't involved directly. Ew.)