Heartthrob Heartbreak
When I was a wee slip of a girl, I had posters of Luke Perry and Jason Priestly on my walls. I knew River Phoenix's birthday and favorite snack food. My best friend Brooke and I pretended we were dating Kirk Cameron and his secret twin brother Kurt. I longed to be washed up on an island with Balthazar Getty. But I only ever sent one fan letter. It was to Jonathan Brandis, star of SeaQuest DSV. I was fourteen and hopelessly in love with him. Those piercing blue eyes, that wild hair with the wanton streaks of gold. He gave me those special chills you only get when you're fourteen.
When I sent the fan letter out, I felt kind of stupid. I knew it probably wouldn't be answered and that if it was it would be forged by some secretary. There's no way he could personally go through the truckloads of mail he was surely receiving every day. I imagined my letter in a pile in a warehouse. I wrote it on purple paper and designed a fancy color envelope on the computer (the address appeared in a little tv screen) so it wouldn?t be overlooked. I remember addressing it to "Whoever Answers Jon's Mail" and writing something like "I know Jonathan probably won't read this letter, but that's ok. I just want someone to send me a picture of him or something." I probably offered to send them money if that's what it would take (I once left money under my pillow with a note trying to persuade the tooth fairy to do the old switcheroo and leave me a gold tooth in exchange) . It was a very humble letter as I remember, very much in the vein of "I've never sent a fan letter before and I just wanted you to know that my favorite color is blue too and I also like M&Ms." I think I gave him permission to call him sometime. I didn't want to scare him off so I made sure he was aware I knew the whole long-distance relationship thing wouldn't work out and that I just wanted to be friends, seeing that we had so much in common and all. I never told anyone about the letter.
As might be expected, I forgot about it about a week later. Then, months and months afterward I got an envelope in the mail. In it was a signed 5 x 7 glossy b&w and a note saying something vague and impersonal like, "Thanks for the letter and for being a fan. I hope you like the photo." It was signed by Jon. I compared the signatures on the note and the photo and decided they were comparable enough to be by the same hand. Then I wondered if his "people" just made sure the same forger (because there was a whole room full of them, of course) signed both the letter and the photo for each fan. I was mildly annoyed that there was no mention of my having so maturely and intelligently acknowledged that my letter would never reach His Royal Dreaminess and would be handled by a flunky. I thought my smarts would make me stand out for sure. Even though I was treated like just another giggly girl, in the end,all that mattered was that I got the photo I'd asked for. And I had connected with someone famous (or with someone who worked for someone famous). I literally trembled with excitement at the thought.
And today I trembled again when I found out he was found dead in his apartment last week, after apparently committing suicide. I haven't thought about him for close to a decade and suddenly find myself sad about the whole thing. Is it the death of someone so young and pretty? Is it the tragedy of someone ending his own life? Or is it the realization that I'm not fourteen anymore, that Kirk Cameron is the father of six and an evangelical Christian, that River Phoenix died long long ago ( the same year SeaQuest debuted)?
The writer in me realized this story would be more dramatic and would wrap up with a tight little moral if I could say this news has brought to light the death of innocence, the optimism I had when I was sure he would read my letter, he would answer it, he would realize that, by golly, a girl who liked the color blue and M&Ms was surely none other than his soul mate. But that's not how the story goes. I never had such innocence, such optimism. I was just a skinner version of the person I am now. I'm not jaded or cynical, just realistic. Maybe that's the sad part.
How sad. I was never much of a fan of his, but still. 8(
how sad! i had no idea he'd died at all! my god! great post. definitely has me thinking about teen celeb crushes and fan letters.
My teenage crush was John Taylor from Duran Duran. Apparently, he's still alive, but I think he's only got one nostril left from all the coke snorting... They fall hard and fast.
That was sad; I read about it elsewhere.
Guess "The Neverending Story" ended for him.